Unreasonable mother

[kat2792]

To start this off I am 20 years old, I still live with my mom or I used to. I have been riding dirt bikes and atv's almost all my life, I have a motorcycle license and recently sold my old one, I have been telling my mom I'm going to buy another one for the past month, mind you I kind of got bored riding motorcycles so that's why I sold my last one but realized I can make money off of them. My mom has been threatening me that if she see the bike she will burn it, break it, sell it without me knowing, etc... I didn't take her serious because she would say that about my other bike and never did anything about it. when I bought it I drove it to my grandmothers to hide it because she's been threatening to bash my car and my friends car in with a bat, when I get home she was screaming at the top of her lungs "either give me the f***ing money or the keys right now!" over and over, I finally gave in and gave her my key but when she saw the bike she started hitting it and had made scratches and dents all over the gas tank. The next day she threatened that I need to give her my title which is still under my friends name or she's calling my grandfather, when I didn't give it to her she went on another screaming streak at 11pm and made me take my bike to her house so that she can put it in a storage till I give her the title. I gave in because my grandma was having a hard time breathing and I was scared for her. I have never seen her get so out of control in my life, she needs help. she's a self medicated person and claims she drinks when she's angry, which means its all the time because she's always arguing with her disrespecting boyfriend who's ten years younger and doesn't care about anyone but himself, she's very controlling, insecure, and practically a stocker she has a tracking thing on my phone to let her know where I am ever hour of the day and when her boyfriend goes out to play basketball she sneaks over to a park to keep an eye on him. she doesn't see then pain she causes me and my sister by being with this low life. I understand she scared if I hurt or kill myself on the motorcycle but I rarely drive it and when I do its at normal speeds I never go faster then the speed limit because I've seen friends seriously hurt from going extremely fast. I don't know what to do anymore it's heartbreaking because I had to leave my house do to her behavior I've been living with my grandparents and girlfriend ever since this issue. I've tried talking to her and explaining that I only buy bikes to fix and sell for more because I don't have a job and this is the fastest and easiest way to make money at the moment especially since I go to college. She's very closed minded and doesn't want to hear anything except her own voice in her mind I drive my bike at 1000 miles an hour she exaggerates how fast my bike is and how many times I ride it. I don't know what to do anymore I'm thinking of doing and involuntary commitment I think she seriously needs help my family agree with my decision, I don't want it to come to me calling the cops on her, she already has a bike that doesn't belong to her and if my friend decides, he can call the cops to make her give him the bike, she expects me to hand her the money that was spent on the bike that I had saved for that reason she says she will put it in a trust account as long as her name is on the account, I have had past experiences where she takes money out of my account and never pays me back I don't want her on the account but her excuse is so there is no way I can take out the money so I can buy another bike. is there any advise or help so that I can deal with this      

[Adventuress]

Hello Kat2792.
Without getting into all of the details of your mother's acting-out behavior just want to say that you are doing right by distancing yourself from her for the time being in order to protect yourself from abuse. You are 20 years old and an adult.  That means being responsible for yourself and your actions.  You cannot be responsible for your mom's. Rather than giving in to her unreasonable demands (agree that she wants $ for alcohol) you need to break financial ties and live your life as best as possible. Yes, she needs help but I also agree that she needs to hit rock bottom so that she seeks help herself not something being forced on her.  Some never do reach out for help.  It all is heartbreaking.  Love sometimes has to be tough.  The other way would be to be in a co-dependant relationship, which is unhealthy of course.  You have the whole rest of your life to look forward to.  Be there for your loved ones as they are there for you.  Yet be on guard for reacting to her outbursts and submitting to demands that will not benefit anyone and only continue an abusive cycle.
Sorry for not getting into specifics.  Just a bit of guidance, if it helps.

[AnnieBrooke]

I am not talking about a shrink, I'm talking about a lawyer.  You can't get the cop in the middle of it if there is anything about what you are doing that is not perfectly up and up.  You mentioned something about you buying it and it being in your friend's name and cash transactions -- a cop will be as likely to haul you in as your mother, if he doesn't understand what you are doing.  When I say a legal clinic that charges on a sliding scale, that means you would not be charged anything for their advice if you are broke.  You need to know your rights in regard to the bike that your mother presently has.

[kat2792]

problem is none of us has any money for that and she's been to a psychiatrist years ago around the time her and my father divorced. she never listen to the doctor and always took it as a joke.

[kat2792]

Yes I just recently had someone call me that is interested in the bike, if they decide to buy it, it will be a cash transaction. The reason I'm thinking about getting a cop to oversee the transaction is because knowing the way she is she will try to take the money as its being handed over to me. this wont be the first time she's done it.

[Nighthawk61]

YES, you should  bring over a cop, and not give her any money, you can tell her openly that you will not support her alcoholism by providing her with cash, and that flippin bikes is your business, not hers..

I'm a bit confused, but, you say that .....

I'm thinking about bringing a cop to over see the transaction so that she cant take the money, and I plan to give her the phone that has a tracking device back so she cant get in contact with me or track me

Does that mean that you have a buyer for the bike? thus the "transaction" that involves money?

It doesn't make any sense, that all of a sudden she's opposed to you riding.

[AnnieBrooke]

You should go to a legal aid clinic that charges on a sliding scale and get some advice.  I wouldn't involve the police in trying to repossess a bike that has something funny about the title (i.e., your friend's name and yours all mixed up in ownership).  Talk to a lawyer and see what they think you should do.

[kat2792]

yes I have had atv's, motorcycles, and dirt bikes since I was like 7 years old, my grandparents and even my dad has told me no one ever really had a problem with me riding them, not even my mom and I would ride them in my neighborhood or they will take me to dirt roads to ride them there. I do really understand she's scared I will get hurt but I don't understand how she can blow up out of nowhere with something we never had a problem with. We have told her, either she gives up the bike or we are going to call the police so that she is forced to give it back, but, all she says is "ill go to jail I don't care" I don't want her to lose her job if she gets arrested and I cant do that to her. I still have my friends tag, he let me borrow it the day I took the bike home because I didn't want to get stopped by a cop without a license plate, now he's asking for it back and I can't give it to him because my mom has the bike, god knows where, he says she'll meet him some where to get it back as long as he gives her the title. he told her he couldn't because the bill of sale and title where signed by me, she told him then no tag, he later tells her that I still owe him money (which I don't it was only to see what she would say) she says she will pay the money and still wants the title so that she can put the bike under her name, and I stole the money from her bank account to buy the bike, which is a complete lie because I saved that money to buy my last bike and when I sold it, all the money I had was in cash I never put it into any account. it was always my money never hers. she's gotten other family members involved but they end up taking my side in the end, she doesn't realize she's losing everyone. I don't really know if she would cause a scene in front of cops and get arrested because when I first said I'm going to call the cops if she doesn't hand the bike over she said she will go to jail for me but a couples minutes later I find out she left the house with my sister and cousin. Does that mean she's scared that I'll call the cops and she wont make a scene? I'm sure if I give her some time that she will come around but I cant wait forever especially if she doesn't pay the "storage unit" that she supposedly put my bike in, they can auction it off and I will lose $7,000. I'm already getting offers to sell the bike but she wants to be there when I sell it so she gets the money I'm thinking about bringing a cop to over see the transaction so that she cant take the money, and I plan to give her the phone that has a tracking device back so she cant get in contact with me or track me for that matter and just disappear to a friends house for a couple of hours. Should I do this? My grandparents say they will give me shelter and help with any finances especially buy me a temporary phone till I'm able to afford a new one on my own.

[kat2792]

Thank you for your advice, its been really hard trying to cope with all the drama. I recently went to the house and told her calmly I can't deal with this anymore your hurting me and the family with all of this. I also gave her my car since she forced me to buy one 6 months ago even though I didn't have a steady job and had no way of paying for it. I let her know I couldn't have that responsibility especially since the car is costing me almost $600 a month when I tried talking to her it seemed like she pretty much ignored me, but I know she heard me because she wasn't screaming at the top of her lungs and her cousin called to say she was crying and took a pill to sleep. I hope she realizes I'm not doing this to hurt her.

[Nighthawk61]

Re reading this, I have to say that I think that you may be hurting that you have no choice but to leave home so early. That is sad, and VERY unfortunate. I do not think that kids your age should not feel forced to leave home at 20. I would hope that kids choose to leave home when they don't need their home, anymore, and i think you did need your home. Please ask your grand parent's to help you financially to talk to a therapist , a professional , about how you're feeling about being abandoned by an alcoholic mother ? I had to leave home very early for the same types of reasons, and it made a lot of things very difficult for me. I felt unwanted, and it hurt my self esteem , it hurt deep deep down. :(  I pray you find peace son. Liz

[Nighthawk61]

You've said that you've been riding atv's and dirt bikes almost all of your life. Does that mean that you were given dirt bikes and atv's as a child? Since what age? Was it in a home that your mother lived in? Were your parent's having different ideas about whether you had those atv's and dirt bikes, and is now putting her foot down because you've moved on to street bikes?
Well when i was 20, i had my motorcycle license and a bike, and I would not have stopped riding  because my mom asked me to. It was something that I felt was my hobby, and made a decision to take the risk. Now that i have a son whose 25, i would constantly worry about him riding , although i spent my life with bikers...... cut her some slack on her caring about your health, but no, you can't let her interfere with your livlihood, nor tell you what hobby to have, nor steal your friends' bike. You need to continue to live away from your mom. It seems bikes are in your blood, and a young man your age could do worse than flipping vehicles while going to college . What age did you start riding atv's and dirt bikes and did your mom and dad fight over this? I think you need to leave a note and spell it out in no uncertain terms that the bike will be picked up, with or without police escort. If you're not given a date and time to pick it up, you will have no choice but to call police.

Your mom's insane with worry that you'll become a statistic. I understand that. I think you should try to as well, but it is your life to live as you wish.

I'm so sorry that you're the adult child of an alcoholic. There's a group for that, called ACOA Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families in your town, no doubt. I've gone , it helps sometimes to talk to others who have had to deal with a loved ones addiction. Also there is Alanon, which could help you in many ways. Many times we seek out dysfunction if we've witnessed in our lives. I hope that your girl is clean and sober, as well as yourself. And I hope that you are finding it peaceful to be at your Grandparent's, although it sounds like you'd ulimaely like to live at home where your mom is. I'm sure your mom knows on some level she has a problem with alcohol. You can talk to an Addiction's Counsellor, and possibly set up an Intervention, but that may take $$. and first, you must llook after yourself. Perhaps, in the future? God bless you son. Peace to you. Keep us updated. We care. Liz

[AnnieBrooke]

Do what you can to get the motorcycle back; but in your shoes I would then stop buying, fixing and selling motorcycles.  All it does is provoke your mom and give her an excuse to act up, and in a way you two sort of have kind of a thing going on -- she's been horrible and humiliating and outrageous for too long, and you have a perfect way to infuriate her and get back at her while saying that it's just about making money.  (If you were only into fixing up the bikes to make some money, you wouldn't be riding them around, you'd have a little garage for them and would run the motors only to test them.)

Good luck, you need to tell your mom that you can't take her craziness any more, as Blu says.  She needs to know that it is her behavior that brings on this estrangement, not you being outrageous.

[allmymarbles]

You are 20 years old. Why does the subject of abuse even come up? You are at an age where you can hold a reasonable job and live your own life. You are not a kid whose life is run by mama. So why is it?

By the way, I think anyone into motorcycles has a very risky habit and if my son were to have one I would be very upset. But that has nothing to do with abuse. Accepting your mother's destruction of your property does. But the onus is on you.

[BluCrystal]

Hi, Kat.  At least you are out of her house.  That's a step in the right direction.  I am here to tell you that an involuntary commitment for your mom WILL NOT WORK.  I have been an alcoholic, treated my family like your mom treats yours, and denied the whole time that I had a problem at all: 'they drove me to drink' was my excuse.  Anyone who is addicted to anything MUST want to seek help, for themselves.  If forced in any way, they will just go back to doing it.  The key here is to not enable her to get alcohol in any way (NEVER give her money or access to money: she will just buy booze with it).  She is demanding your money because she wants to be assured that she will have booze money available.  That is the real truth.  She needs to 'hit bottom' on her own: get to feeling so miserable every day that she can't stand it one more second, THEN it is time for help.  If you want to help her, do not give in to her.  Do not give her money.  Refuse to speak to her when she has been drinking.  Let her know that you love her and want to talk to her when she is sober.  Addicts will do all sorts of things to get what they want.  Don't let her get to you.  Fix your bikes and sell them.  Go to college.  My kids started to ignore me, and my husband would ignore me as well.  It took me a very long time to realize it was my fault.  I went for help at a behavioral health and wellness clinic for an intensive 6 day detox 6 months ago.  I have not drank since, and my psychiatrist put me on meds that made it so I felt good enough that I didn't want to drink, yet still be perfectly functional.  I hope that you mom gets to that point soon.  Yes, I ASKED to be sent there, as I was in the hospital AGAIN for alcohol poisoning, and I was DONE.  They sent me immediately.  It was scary, but my family got behind me 100%, supporting my new efforts in every possible way.  I hope this is helpful - Blu