Aa
Confused
I just found out that my husband of 22 years had an encounter with a sexual act when he was 9 years old. He has been hurting for quite some while, not outwardly but within himself. We have been very involved with our church and have been really seeking to have a relationship with God. The only reason he confided in me is because he recently had a healing of memories at church. All he told me was that he felt at peace and he felt forgiven for what he had done when he was 9. I quickly began to make things up in my mind of what could have happend at such a yound age. I kind of figured it out after a while. We talked about it recently and he very reluctantly shared with me that when he was 9 he had a sexual encounter with his nephew that was also 9 years old. He cried and cried and told me that he was so ashamed and felt dirty. He said that when it happened that he knew it was wrong after it happened and that for many years he cried himself to sleep just thinking about the shame of it. I asked him if this was something that he instigated or was it something that was started by the nephew. He said that it was consentual. I asked him if it happened more than once, he said no that after that he was so ashamed and hurt by what had happened. I asked him if he ever felt that he had an attraction for boys or guys later on in life, he said no that he never ever felt that. I could ask him more questions that were on my mind because he was so torn and hurt. He has lived a pretty normal life and seems to have adjusted to his life pretty well, other than me and him having had some years of alot of arguing over our sex life. He has always been very atracted to me and has always wanted me sexually but there were MANY times that he couldn't get an erection, and I now think its because of what happened many many years ago. He is now 47 years old and feels that he needs to apologize to his nephew for what happened when they were 9. The reason I am writing is because I am so confussed about what was going thru his mind when this happened. Why he would even entertain the tought of this act. I know he was only a child, and perhaps wasnt thinking rationally. I love him with all my heart and would never leave him over this. He felt that I would leave him if I knew. I just want to know why he would even be attracted to the same sex at such a young age. It doesn't fit in my mind why he would do this when he was just a child. Does this mean that he is a pervert because he did this when he was 9? does this mean that he maybe liked the same sex at one time? does this mean he was psychologically there was or is something wrong with him? Since it only happened that one time could it just have been curiosity? I just don't understand how a child of 9 years could penetrate another child of 9 years is that even possible? How was this behaviour even conceived. I just don't remember even knowing about these sexual acts existing until I was an adult. Is this something that he would have had to have seen somewhere to even know how to do this or that this was even possible? I am so very, very, very, confussed beyond my imagination. Am I overreacting since this man that I married is not a perbert by any means, and this was a one time incident when he was just an innocent child that obviously changed when he did this. Please Please help me understand this.
Best Answer
Please tell your husband for me that he would be astonished at the high percentage of men who have had a single homosexual experience. That probably puts it in the "normal" category. He's beating himself up over an unimportant childish indiscretion. It's time to move on.
Yes, there was anal penetration. He said they had sex so I'm assuming that's what it meant. My husband is a wonderful man, and throughout our 22 years of marriage he has shown me nothing but Love. I will work on getting past this and realizing that this was a one time occurrence.
I know that you're shocked by this, and have many questions. I think that it is SO important for your husband and your relationship for you to really get through to him that this encounter meant nothing and is natural for children to experiment. I don't think the sex of the partner is of any consequence at that age, it's just hormones at that age. Maybe I'm missing something , but I didn't hear that anal penetration necessarily happened. And even if it did, to what real extent? It was probably quite normal experimentation. I'm so sorry that he had not talked about this to a professional and found out how normal it was, and that he carried such an enormous amount of guilt over it. I really think he needs you mostly, to let him know that it was nothing and that he need not feel in any way guilty. Was there any sexual experimentation when you were a child that could help you to make him understand that it was nothing? I'm sure it would go a long way if he thought that your understanding was formed in some small way from personal experience. Oh my, I feel so bad that so much guilt has affected your husband for something so innocent. Continue to be his best friend, he will be okay, with your help. Please let us help you, with all of the advice above, to put any negative thoughts from your own mind, so that you can truly be his savior from unnatural thoughts. The action was normal. Unnatural thoughts, at this point, are what's not normal. God Bless your wonderful union.
My goodness, of course children at that age can "perform" sexually. Boys start experiencing erections VERY young. My son is 6 and has been waking up each and every morning like that for at least 3 years.
As for the anal sex, he probably didn't know a whole lot about it...but it is not hard for boys to realize that if they stickl their penis IN something, it's going to feel good. It probably didn't have a lot of "meaning" behind it. Children can't reason and think something through like adults.
Plus, you don't know what he was exposed to. Kids that age are nebby. He and a friend may have discovered a parent's porn collection, or adult magazines.
If you speak with a professional, you'll see what's normal for a child in terms of sexual development.
As for the anal sex, he probably didn't know a whole lot about it...but it is not hard for boys to realize that if they stickl their penis IN something, it's going to feel good. It probably didn't have a lot of "meaning" behind it. Children can't reason and think something through like adults.
Plus, you don't know what he was exposed to. Kids that age are nebby. He and a friend may have discovered a parent's porn collection, or adult magazines.
If you speak with a professional, you'll see what's normal for a child in terms of sexual development.
Thank you for the insight it really helps. The only thing that still lingers in the back of my mind is how he knew at such a young age is that anal sex was something that could be done. How he knew to penetrate and can such an act cause satisfaction with a child. Can children of 9 years get an erection and ejaculate. I still can't wrap my head around this.
Here is from another site, it might be quite interesting to you to google OCD or HOCD.
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Sexual obsessions appear to be a common symptom of OCD. Few
studies examine prevalence of obsessions based on content, so there is little published information about rates of sexual obsessions. A recent study using a broad sample of OCD patients found that 25% experienced sexual obsessions currently or in the past. The actual prevalence rates may be higher as people with this class of symptoms may be more reluctant to seek treatment or participate in research studies, due to embarrassment or fears they will be considered deviant.
Sexual obsessions may revolve around a multitude of loci. Common themes include unfaithfulness, incest, pedophilia, unusual behaviors, AIDS, profane thoughts combining religion and sex, and, of course, homosexuality. Since sex carries so much emotional, moral, and religious importance, it easily becomes a magnet for obsessions in people predisposed to OCD.
People with sexual obsessions are particularly likely to have co-occurring aggressive and religious obsessions, clinical depression, and higher rates of impulse control disorders.
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Good luck with your fact-finding and take care.
_____________
Sexual obsessions appear to be a common symptom of OCD. Few
studies examine prevalence of obsessions based on content, so there is little published information about rates of sexual obsessions. A recent study using a broad sample of OCD patients found that 25% experienced sexual obsessions currently or in the past. The actual prevalence rates may be higher as people with this class of symptoms may be more reluctant to seek treatment or participate in research studies, due to embarrassment or fears they will be considered deviant.
Sexual obsessions may revolve around a multitude of loci. Common themes include unfaithfulness, incest, pedophilia, unusual behaviors, AIDS, profane thoughts combining religion and sex, and, of course, homosexuality. Since sex carries so much emotional, moral, and religious importance, it easily becomes a magnet for obsessions in people predisposed to OCD.
People with sexual obsessions are particularly likely to have co-occurring aggressive and religious obsessions, clinical depression, and higher rates of impulse control disorders.
_____________
Good luck with your fact-finding and take care.
kids expirement. keep being his stronge wife. hes going threw some emotional challenges in his life and really needs you. He trust soo much. Best friends. I miss that in my husand. I remeber when he used to tell me everything. Dont take him, t0 a theropist. ital just make him feel like your judging him . they wher children, children expirment honey. my kids better not. !!!!! ital be ok. hel come around, watch, anything worth having is worth working for
I completely agree with both Annie and NurseGirl, and I wonder:
1. What has caused him to feel SO GUILTY about this experience, and
2. What has caused you to feel like it's so abnormal?
1. What has caused him to feel SO GUILTY about this experience, and
2. What has caused you to feel like it's so abnormal?
I couldn't agree more with Annie. I think you're making WAY too much of this. Most children go through a sexual exploration stage, and sometimes, as annie said, the experimenting may go farther than other children would take it. It's normal, it's not dirty, or perverted, and it doesn't mean anything related to your husband's sexuality.
I also think bringing it up with the nephew is a BAD BAD BAD idea. If it was consensual, it doesn't need addressed, and it is quite possible that the nephew doesn't even recall the event. I don't think your husband wants to open THAT can of worms. Tell him to forget it.
I think your husband is being FAR too hard on himself. He probably had feelings of guilt at the time, because the "partner" was a relative, and of the same sex. I think it would help BOTH of you to seek some education on normal childhood sexual encounters/development.
While I think religion is great and serves its purpose for so many, I think in situations like this, religion can blow things out of proportion. Him having these religious revelations about this experience is only fueling his unwarranted anxiety.
My personal opinion is...put it back where it was, it doesn't need to be discussed, dealt with, picked apart, nothing. It means NOTHING to your husband at 47 years of age, and it shouldn't. It's no reflection on him as a person, or a husband.
If you're worried this was some kind of ********* like act, you can dismiss those thoughts as well...pedophiles don't just strike once and never again. Nor do people who are homosexual or bisexual.
Tell your husband he has absolutely NO reason to feel guilty,...there is NOTHINIG to resolve here. Tell him to put it behind him, once and for all...and you should support and encourage him to do exactly that. You two working each other into a frenzy over this is making it into something it isn't.
If he (or you) can't move past it...I would recommend some professional help.
Good luck.
I also think bringing it up with the nephew is a BAD BAD BAD idea. If it was consensual, it doesn't need addressed, and it is quite possible that the nephew doesn't even recall the event. I don't think your husband wants to open THAT can of worms. Tell him to forget it.
I think your husband is being FAR too hard on himself. He probably had feelings of guilt at the time, because the "partner" was a relative, and of the same sex. I think it would help BOTH of you to seek some education on normal childhood sexual encounters/development.
While I think religion is great and serves its purpose for so many, I think in situations like this, religion can blow things out of proportion. Him having these religious revelations about this experience is only fueling his unwarranted anxiety.
My personal opinion is...put it back where it was, it doesn't need to be discussed, dealt with, picked apart, nothing. It means NOTHING to your husband at 47 years of age, and it shouldn't. It's no reflection on him as a person, or a husband.
If you're worried this was some kind of ********* like act, you can dismiss those thoughts as well...pedophiles don't just strike once and never again. Nor do people who are homosexual or bisexual.
Tell your husband he has absolutely NO reason to feel guilty,...there is NOTHINIG to resolve here. Tell him to put it behind him, once and for all...and you should support and encourage him to do exactly that. You two working each other into a frenzy over this is making it into something it isn't.
If he (or you) can't move past it...I would recommend some professional help.
Good luck.
It sounds like normal curiosity that went too far one time. Don't read more into it than that. Drop the "pervert" language from your mind, you husband is not a pervert. Lighten up on the shock, it doesn't help him feel OK. Talk to a child psychologist about sexual stages of development for kids, you will learn a lot that will relieve your mind. Please don't overreact. Your husband sounds like a good man, (and ps -- lots of couples have sexual issues, and not every husband had a one-time encounter at age 9. Sexual issues in marriage are as common as dandelions.)
As for him apologizing to his cousin, it is possible that doing so will distress his cousin more than the talk would be worth. He probably should operate on the assumption that his cousin has brushed off the event and gone on with his life. If so, he would do his cousin a favor to try to get past memories of the event and go on with his own life as well. Why embarrass and appall both guys by trying to bring it up?
If your husband continues to be plagued with guilt and shame, he would get a whole lot out of a couple of sessions with a therapist. Sometimes guilt hangs around a lot longer than something deserves, merely because the memory is being stuffed down or resisted and pushed away. Talking it over and airing it out in a session or two might do a world of good and help him put things into perspective.
Kids do odd things when their hormones are coming in. I am not saying that what he did, every kid does, but I am saying that he was only 9. He didn't do it again. Take that as your foundation and go from there.
As for him apologizing to his cousin, it is possible that doing so will distress his cousin more than the talk would be worth. He probably should operate on the assumption that his cousin has brushed off the event and gone on with his life. If so, he would do his cousin a favor to try to get past memories of the event and go on with his own life as well. Why embarrass and appall both guys by trying to bring it up?
If your husband continues to be plagued with guilt and shame, he would get a whole lot out of a couple of sessions with a therapist. Sometimes guilt hangs around a lot longer than something deserves, merely because the memory is being stuffed down or resisted and pushed away. Talking it over and airing it out in a session or two might do a world of good and help him put things into perspective.
Kids do odd things when their hormones are coming in. I am not saying that what he did, every kid does, but I am saying that he was only 9. He didn't do it again. Take that as your foundation and go from there.
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You had commented that you and your husband "had some years of alot of arguing over our sex life. He has always been very atracted to me and has always wanted me sexually but there were MANY times that he couldn't get an erection, and I now think its because of what happened many many years ago." Well, possibly you are seeing cause and effect in two things that have the same cause. If he was stressed and tense in general over things sexual, both the loss of erections and the obsessive concern over that one thing that happened one time when he was a boy, could stem from that tension and stress. It just doesn't seem likely that a one-time event as a boy, bad though it seemed to him at the time, could have caused lifetime loss of erections with a willing, adult, female partner.
Anyway, as the other ladies have said, please see a therapist who knows about kids' sexual development, and listen and learn. It might remove a world of worry and confusion.