did it happen?

[dmn]

when i was a child from 5 and up my mother was with her boyfriend. im not sure if i was ever touched or violated in any way but i have hunches too. also when i was 14 my mom caught him spying on me in the shower. this gave me a phobia of peeing in public places. im now 18 and still trying to figure all this out. im wondering if anyone has experienced anything like what i am going through. im fine when im with my boyfriend but there are certain spots at which he will touch me and i will start to cry for no reason. and ..this is stupid... but i cant watch rape scenes on movies. ill start to cry or get so angry i just cant watch anymore. i cannot remember 80% of my childhood, and i do not know why. does anyone relate?

thatx for listening  

[g__girl]

I was  sexualy molested as a child and I blocked it out for a long time and after the age of 23 i had my first boyfriend, after dating for awhile we had sex after having sex he told me that i was not a virgin. I was shocked and upset. i cried and started thinking about it.he was the first man i ever slept with and how comes he is telling me that i am not a virgin i needed to find answers after awhile it started to come back and believe me i wish i never remembered it. the one who did it to me was suppose to protect me,no it was not my dad. and he hurt me that bad. it is still affecting. i am 35 now. Remembering things are sometimes good but sometimes not so good. i wish i had never remembered it

[dmn]

im pretty happy, but i wish to know what happned to me so i can know myself better. at the time i have no idea where my behavour comes from. and i understand that yes, while it is painfull remembering, i also see it painfull to not know as well. i am pretty sure and have asked myself if i was ready mentally to find out what if anything at all happened to me, and yes. i am fully aware of what my answer might be. and i am ready for it not to affect the way i feel now. thank you all for your comments, i appreciate it very much!! :)

[g__girl]

well minesa, i was a very shy girl. did not feel comfortable with men, could not look at them in the eye for whatever reason i was different from the rest of my sisters. After my bf at the time told me that i was not a virgin i started to ask myself questions. i wanted to know how it works, how comes i am not a virgin, i have never had sex with anyone else. i wanted answers and i kept away from everyone stayed in the room a lot thinking and it came back i use to have headaces that's how much i used to think and the day some of it came back i was not ready i remember the day ,it was rainning which roomwe he took me in, who came to see him, i remember everything now and i wish that i had left it all where it was i would've gotten over my shyness and some way somehow i would be able to talk to men, i think if i had not remember it would be alot better for me but that's me it is up to you whatever you want good luck.  I wanted to know now i know and it was very hard

[minesia]

I am just wondering g-girl if you have had a pretty good life before you remembered, did you have a felling something had happened or this was just a huge shock to you.  B/c I am trying to remember what happened to me.  I have not had a happy life and I would like to know what if anything happened so I can try to heal.  So I guess dmn if you are okay w/ not knowing then move on but it you are like me and have felt your whole life like you are dirty and unwhole then I think you should try to figure it out.

[jo929]

i read your comment to dmn, it is odd how sometimes we remember things some we dont want to and cant remember somethings we might want to and cant remember have you talked with a therapist ? if you have remembered all of it try to go on and put the bad behind this may be hard but until you come to terms with it it will still hang there try your best not to let the abuser win dont be the abusee try to move foward and put this behind you and take control of your life dont let it control you. 35 is youn and many happy things can come your way if you put the past where it belongs     lots luck and bless you    jo

[jml1986]

Rape is a very violent thing and it can cause issues for the rest of your life. Not remembering is a blessing. I think you should talk to your mother and get all the details that she knows, so you can start working on the healing process. Unless or until you are able to move on, relationships may suffer.

[jo929]

i accepted your invitation and no i am not a therapist have just worked in the medical feild    jo

[jo929]

dm even if you dont think you need help id does not hurt to talk about things then after you have covered all of the things that are bothering you ,you will know whether you need more help or whether you can put it behind you and go on to a better and productive life     jo

[dmn]

im not sure if i need help though thats the thing.

jo929, are you a therapist? you sound like you might be...

thank you all for your comment its nice to have a supportive online health community such as this one :)

[helpleeze]

please get help . when things such as rape happen people often block them out that could be why u dont rember your childhood....

[jo929]

I used to work with a lot of different people some had been abused some other things all had problems and talking is the best therapy i know of if you cant put this behind you and go on with your life keep writing soon there will be more people here or if ou want to talk to me personally just click on my name or profile   lots luck   jo

[dmn]

well she kicked him out when i went to school and i came home to her screaming at him and the cops that he was going to rape me sooner or later. plus she told me that she was going to kill him right then right there but she didnt want me to see that. and the therapists in my town say they dont have time for me because so many girls my age are suicidal.

thank you for your advice:)

[Curls]

Minesa has similar questons about her childhood (in a post not long ago.)  Not remembering childhood can be a strong indicator of something.  Also, disassociating often, such as finding yourself doing something and not knowing how to got there.  Obviously the shower thing says this man had serious problems and was violating, at the least in that way.  It's certainly reasonable to suspect more.

Can you talk to someone such as a therapist?  How is this effecting your life now?  Make sure to stay focused on that, and not to let it become a quest to resolve things from the past without keeping it tied into growing who you are now.  (That helps prevent a well-intended but not very good therapist from making a "thing" out of it for reasons of their own without actually helping you.)

How did your mom react to the shower violation?  That can be a piece of the puzzle to how it effects you now.

Good luck.  I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.