Mother took me to see prostitutes as a child...

[DARKDAYS]

Well I've been watching my life unravel so I've been doing some reflecting on past events. As a child of divorced parents (parents divorced when I was 8), I was raised by my mother who questioned my sexuality on several occasions throughout my life. I'm 100% heterosexual, but living with two dominant controlling women (mother/sister), I'll admit I'm a little bit soft. Mainly because any show of masculinity was usually met with some sort of confrontation. The question I have is this, my mother would take me on drives through the red light district of our town on many occasions. She would tell my things like, "oh look at that one", or "oooh, check her out, ect, things along those lines, so on and so on. I come from an addictive background, my father did coke & alcohol,plus he was a notorious womanizer. My mother may be a closet alcoholic, but I never touched drugs or alcohol in my life in order not to to turn out like them. The thing that got me was sex, she did this when I was about 11/12, so me & my best friend went back on our own of course, armed with condoms & money we stole out of our mothers purses picking up prostitutes. This was hard to do at first because of our age, but there were some girls that were 14, 15, ect that were runaway types who finally obliged. This was the start of an addiction that has lasted and I'm wondering if this constitutes abuse, or just bad judgement. She never paid, or hired a prostitute for me or anything, but she made the impression on me.

Thanks in advance

[teko]

One thing I agree on is that you come from a very dysfunctional background. As far as abuse, I hate that word because it has become to mean a very broad spectrum of things sort of like autism has. Your background was not the norm as far as society goes but lots of homes these days are messed up.  What you need to do is draw a line where you were controlled as a child and that line of which you took control of your own life.  What do you want to get our of life, now and long term.  What is it that will make your life complete? This is not the same for everyone.  Accept that your family was different and come to terms with who you are, it is ok to be soft. Never appologize for who you are or where you came from.  Stand tall, take control of your destiny and make your future yours, not what others think it should be. Merry Christmas!

[treazzure007]

to darkdays:

im sorry for the hardship you endured.  your mother and those other women are some sick/twisted individuals and yes, you were subjected to abuse.  boys are abused too and this story you share is often how it goes.  it is not your fault.  you had no control over the actions or sickness of others and the first step is to accept that in order to heal and move on

[RockRose]

Darkdays,  I'm worried about you.  The "corner you painted yourself in" - is it a criminal/legal problem?

[babypooh]

I agree with what everyone else said; that was a form of abuse.  You're right about not being able to change the past, but you can decide on the future.  Keep going to therapy and don't shy out of an opportunity for love if you come across one.  It's never too late to change.  When you find the right woman, you will know.  Meanwhile, prepare yourself emotionally by continuing therapy and not going around with different women.  I'm sorry for everything you had to go through.  But don't let the rest of your life just pass you by.  Make a new one and enjoy it.  Good luck.

[margypops]

Interesting thoughts from you and good to hear another interpretation of abuse, for others who have also been through similar,food for thought.

[Gurpreetk1]

Well, abuse is a very dicey word and only a person who has been through can identify whether its abuse or not. But then again its a catch 22 situation, because you are so caught in the situation, that you dont actually realize that your relation to reality is affected. Isolated sexual encounters maynot mean much, but if they are affecting the way you think in all circumstances then you might want to relook at your expereinces. Let me give you an example... If under normal circumstances you tend to be "aware" of sexual aspects in a situation, where it may not be required, or you find yourself reading between lines, where the comments could be more to the face value.
Also, you might want to look at something completely unrelated. The quality of relationships you have for example. How many friends do you have? Are you able to open up to them or do you constantly feel that you are making them believe things about you, and you lose respect when they buy into the personality you potray. Is being in control of a sitution important to you? You take risks, but you calculate the odds???
If you can relate to what I am writing you were abuse, and abuse may have happened in more ways than you are aware of. Abuse is very subtle and goes way beyond our awareness no matter how astute we think we are.

- Aashwasan

[DARKDAYS]

  Thanks. You know Rock, I'm just trying to tie things together I guess. I don't know, I was just watching a program that had an 11 year old kid on it the other day and just thought "what was she thinking man". I did a lot of mischief, so I should have been dead a long time ago anyways. My parents actually come from very tradition, and conservative backgrounds, they were not raised around that sort of culture. My problem with dating mostly stemmed from an intense fear that I might have caught something from one of these women. I went 15 years thinking I had aids until I tested negative, I did'nt have a single std after all those women Rock, I could'nt believe it man. Anyways, it made me fear dating in a normal setting all this time because I though I probably had something. I missed a lot of good opportunities that could have lead to marriage & children, but hey. I've been to therapy but I guess I was not motivated enough for it to take hold. Anyway, the situation I'm in now is'nt one that therapy can help R.R., I've painted myself into a corner.

thanks for your response

[RockRose]

Dark,  I'm sorry you're in such pain.  Your statement that you're actively suicidal is painful to read.

I'm not sure,  though,  that your mother caused your pain.    You are correct that men's sexual behavior is genetic - and your father and both grandfathers were womanizers.  So much so that you even are aware of that fact.  

Your mother was raised in a household that devalued women,  and she married a man who devalued women,  and she had a son.  It's a bit bizarre that she took you to view prostitutes - but really,  that's probably the image of women she was raised with and married into.  

I suspect you've been depressed all your life,  and so you sought prostitutes and strippers for sex  instead of committed relationships with real women.  I sense you think you are depressed BECAUSE you sought out prostitutes and strippers instead of real women.  

Your family background sounds incredibly dysfunctional based on the men who have set the tone for relationships for generations.  

Have you ever sought therapy?

[margypops]

Your other posts came in after I had responded to your first one, I am sorry I trivialised it and once you enlarged on the matter I agree with you , I think it was abuse, you are also correct that with your Family history it would mould your life and how you would behavein adulthood,, (I am always quoting that children copy.and some behavior is learned behavior, ) your Mom certainly set the scene , and you followed the pattern. What to do now ,are you a fighter? can you not determine not to let what happened to you to ruin your life, I know that sounds like a platitude, you are talking now, have you considered going to get some counselling, spilling the 'beans' accepting what has happened ,is your behavior a compulsion can you foolow another path, by the way I loved your Picture on your profile, I love the old car you drive aswell Columbo.

[DARKDAYS]

  No, I never asked her about it, she would just become emotional & start crying as always. I can't have discussions with her w/o this happening. I realize we are responsible for our own actions but there are some things that I believe you should not encourage in children either. Our childhood sets the mold in my experience at least, as I've said, my father was a womanizer, not to mention my grandfather on both sides. So this is genetic, these actions were somewhat of a trigger. I went back on my own, yes, but the idea came from her action, I was oblivious to the fact that prostitutes existed, or where they frequented, ect. My mother was not fascinated  by prostitutes, she was just trying to jump start my interest in women Marg. As far as my life now, it *****, I'm actively suicidal to be frank with you. I'm not married, and I don't have any children. I've slept with more woman than I will ever be able to remember for almost two decades. I've been with prostitutes, strippers, massage parlor girls, regular girls, ect. I regret all of the women, but you can't go back in time.

[margypops]

Sounds like very poor judgement to me, did you ever ask her why she would take you around places like that.I do believe that our childhood affects us however I also believe we take responsiblity for our own behavior as adults and the path we choose knowingly to take is our responsibility.and then we cannot continue to blame our past and our childhood. I would say you did go back there later to see what she had been so facinated with, how have you moved on with your life ,have you a wife and Family now , carreer?

[DARKDAYS]

I forgot to mention, I had two other incidents. My mother questioned my sexuality when a very attractive older cousin (she was 22, I was 12) aggressively tried to seduce me, almost successfully except that I did'nt want to because she was a relative. I was on summer vacation away from home when this happened and never mentioned it. My cousin called my mother complaining that I was a coward or something or other. My mother totally dismissed it, made light of it, and to some degree seemed disappointed that I did'nt act on it. The cousin talked to me about very graphic sexual acts along with another female cousin. They were mainly talking amongst themselves in my presence at a kitchen table, this caused me to become embarrassed because I became excited and they both noticed. It was that same night the she attempted to seduce me. Is that considered abuse as well? Not to mention a friend of my mothers who we were staying at before we move to the states who tried to seduce me, I actually told my mother about her advances, but my mother said that we needed to stay there until she had enough money to leave and made nothing of it. The woman was pretty persistent, and I think I heard later that she had been with my father at one point or something like this. Anyways, I'm messed up either way. Thanks for your help in advance...I know this is pretty light compared to other folks experiences in that I was not actually forced to participate, but the damage is lasting.

thanks