Aa
please help me
Please help me. I am in pain, full of anxiety, and desperate for some relief or release. I am suicidal with violent fantasies. While I am working with a psychologist to try to address some of these issues, the help is not enough. I have been denied help from both the county and the state, and unless I commit a crime, there seems to be no way out and no help.
Allow me to tell you about myself. I was raised in a very abusive environment. My mother first tried to murder me at the age of 5. My step father was an abusive drug dealing diabetic who was mentally unstable himself. I was beaten often as a child and was humiliated daily. When at the age of 16 I turned violent, I was made a ward of the court. Things were going fine until just before I escaped. A confrontation with a deputy sheriff on his front door step led me to be moved from the half way house I was staying at. Fearing I would be returned to prison and wanting to find my biological father, I came to Oregon.
Once here I eventually became a very good carpenter. I was good enough as a carpenter to build custom homes worth millions. I tried to open my own business as a contractor, but an on the job fatality ruined that.
During the time after I escaped, I was constantly paranoid, and lived in fear of going back to prison. After the statutes of limitations ran out, I did not know how to be anything else.
I eventually passed my journey mans test and became a union carpenter. Six months after I passed that test, I ruined my shoulder on the job and that ended that career. I spent the next two years laid up trying to mend.
The first surgery on my shoulder left me in more pain than the injury did and a constant painful tremor in my shoulder. After a second surgery, I was fine until I slipped and fell at a friends house and had to have a third surgery. The third surgery left me pretty limited in my range of motion and with another tremor although not as bad as the first.
When I was finally released to go to work, I did not know what to do with myself. I eventually went to truck driving school, but had to end that career about five years later.
After truck driving I started going to school again. That’s what I do now, study construction management. While preparing to go to school, I thought I would investigate scholarships and scholarships for the disabled. This led me to wonder what my actual disability rating was, which led me back to my doctor. The doctor took some x-rays of my shoulder and suggested I contact a lawyer. I had developed pagcl, which means that the cartilage in my shoulder had gone away. There are several cases of this happening after an inter articulate pain pump was used on a couple million people. The manufacturer of this pain pump is getting sued. Unfortunately, I am ineligible for this pain pump lawsuit because I dislocated my shoulder about ten years previously.
I am tired of living this way and tired of feeling like I am being screwed. Before I went to prison I wanted to join the Navy. In 26 days. When I tried to open my own business my partner who had 15 years more experience than me did something incredibly stupid and got killed. When I finally got my journeymans card, I got crippled up. When I was told that everybody but me is going to get paid very well for this bad drug, I got depressed and angry. Everytime I have tried to better my self and improve my station in life, I get kicked squarely in the face. I have lost the joy of life and pray for death constantly. I know that this life is supposed to be a gift, but mine is broken.
I pray for death constantly, and am considering suicide. I am scared that will not stop the pain. While watching one of those ghost hunting shows, The 5 year old daughter of the homeowners told about the scary man who showed her his brains through the owie in his head. 25 years earlier it was reported that a man had shot himself in that house.
I want revenge, I demand retribution, but have been denied. Short of a killing spree there is nothing to be had, not even an apology from a greedy pharmaceutical company. All of this has left me feeling unworthy.
The workmans compensation insurer who is handling my injury may very well deny my claim for depression and anxiety caused by the constant amount of pain I live in all the time. They will do anything to save them selves a buck. If they do deny my claim, I will be left with absolutely no resource for mental help. I have thought about waiting till the winter’s cold causes the 40 mm piece of metal I had inserted in the 4th surgery on this shoulder starts hurting really bad and then taking a convenience store hostage. I looked up the penalty for that and it is 7 years fore the first hostage and 25 years for each additional hostage if you use a gun.
I do not want to live this way, I do not want to hurt my self or anybody else, or spend the rest of my life in prison. I do not know what else to do.
I cut part of a finger off and broke my back twice so I am no stranger to pain, but this will never heal. It will never get better and there is nothing that anybody can do about it. I appreciate the beauty of the world around me and am thankful for it, but it is not enough when the pain and the tremor keep me awake, night after night.
I am writing to you out of desperation, please help me.
Allow me to tell you about myself. I was raised in a very abusive environment. My mother first tried to murder me at the age of 5. My step father was an abusive drug dealing diabetic who was mentally unstable himself. I was beaten often as a child and was humiliated daily. When at the age of 16 I turned violent, I was made a ward of the court. Things were going fine until just before I escaped. A confrontation with a deputy sheriff on his front door step led me to be moved from the half way house I was staying at. Fearing I would be returned to prison and wanting to find my biological father, I came to Oregon.
Once here I eventually became a very good carpenter. I was good enough as a carpenter to build custom homes worth millions. I tried to open my own business as a contractor, but an on the job fatality ruined that.
During the time after I escaped, I was constantly paranoid, and lived in fear of going back to prison. After the statutes of limitations ran out, I did not know how to be anything else.
I eventually passed my journey mans test and became a union carpenter. Six months after I passed that test, I ruined my shoulder on the job and that ended that career. I spent the next two years laid up trying to mend.
The first surgery on my shoulder left me in more pain than the injury did and a constant painful tremor in my shoulder. After a second surgery, I was fine until I slipped and fell at a friends house and had to have a third surgery. The third surgery left me pretty limited in my range of motion and with another tremor although not as bad as the first.
When I was finally released to go to work, I did not know what to do with myself. I eventually went to truck driving school, but had to end that career about five years later.
After truck driving I started going to school again. That’s what I do now, study construction management. While preparing to go to school, I thought I would investigate scholarships and scholarships for the disabled. This led me to wonder what my actual disability rating was, which led me back to my doctor. The doctor took some x-rays of my shoulder and suggested I contact a lawyer. I had developed pagcl, which means that the cartilage in my shoulder had gone away. There are several cases of this happening after an inter articulate pain pump was used on a couple million people. The manufacturer of this pain pump is getting sued. Unfortunately, I am ineligible for this pain pump lawsuit because I dislocated my shoulder about ten years previously.
I am tired of living this way and tired of feeling like I am being screwed. Before I went to prison I wanted to join the Navy. In 26 days. When I tried to open my own business my partner who had 15 years more experience than me did something incredibly stupid and got killed. When I finally got my journeymans card, I got crippled up. When I was told that everybody but me is going to get paid very well for this bad drug, I got depressed and angry. Everytime I have tried to better my self and improve my station in life, I get kicked squarely in the face. I have lost the joy of life and pray for death constantly. I know that this life is supposed to be a gift, but mine is broken.
I pray for death constantly, and am considering suicide. I am scared that will not stop the pain. While watching one of those ghost hunting shows, The 5 year old daughter of the homeowners told about the scary man who showed her his brains through the owie in his head. 25 years earlier it was reported that a man had shot himself in that house.
I want revenge, I demand retribution, but have been denied. Short of a killing spree there is nothing to be had, not even an apology from a greedy pharmaceutical company. All of this has left me feeling unworthy.
The workmans compensation insurer who is handling my injury may very well deny my claim for depression and anxiety caused by the constant amount of pain I live in all the time. They will do anything to save them selves a buck. If they do deny my claim, I will be left with absolutely no resource for mental help. I have thought about waiting till the winter’s cold causes the 40 mm piece of metal I had inserted in the 4th surgery on this shoulder starts hurting really bad and then taking a convenience store hostage. I looked up the penalty for that and it is 7 years fore the first hostage and 25 years for each additional hostage if you use a gun.
I do not want to live this way, I do not want to hurt my self or anybody else, or spend the rest of my life in prison. I do not know what else to do.
I cut part of a finger off and broke my back twice so I am no stranger to pain, but this will never heal. It will never get better and there is nothing that anybody can do about it. I appreciate the beauty of the world around me and am thankful for it, but it is not enough when the pain and the tremor keep me awake, night after night.
I am writing to you out of desperation, please help me.
i am so sorry that you are going through this, and i know it is rough, but hang in there there is help out there if it gets to bad do as butterfly says and go to ER and tell them you are suicidel, they have to help, or call the operator and ask for the hot line for suicidels they will help i wish you the best, and no one on earth would ever laugh at someone whi is ill i wish you well jo
yea i would go to A and E and say you are suicidal and thinking about hurting yourself and other people and they will have to get you reviewed by a pych and prob admit u. u also need to tell ur therapit how u are feeling about all this and that you need more help. hurting yourelf i alway one thing, but thinking about hurting other people i very wrong.
im sorry thing hav been o tough for u and that everything been going wrong. it must be hard having physically limiting health probs. can u get benefits for being disabled and having mental health prob? u can here. u shouldnt hav to feel that u need to commit a crime to get help, there will be other ways. again talk to your therapit about these feelings. i know that often with being suicidal they wont do anything unless uv attemptd something, but when ur tlking about hurting other people they have to do something.get help now.
im sorry thing hav been o tough for u and that everything been going wrong. it must be hard having physically limiting health probs. can u get benefits for being disabled and having mental health prob? u can here. u shouldnt hav to feel that u need to commit a crime to get help, there will be other ways. again talk to your therapit about these feelings. i know that often with being suicidal they wont do anything unless uv attemptd something, but when ur tlking about hurting other people they have to do something.get help now.
hey bob,i think i know how you feel,in my experience just go to your local er and tell the dr, whats going on in your head. they will take it from there.most likely you will be admitted to a mental health facility three good meals a day and counselours to work with you until your ready. dont dispair help is there if you want it. the hardest part is taking the first step. good luck and god bless you
I don't look at your suffering as entertainment. I have suffered mentally for many years but now I am better. Your Psychologist is basically working for Workman's Compensation. It is his job to get you off the workman's compensation.
If you are not satisfied with this guy/gal, I suggest you call your local Crisis Hotline, the number is in your phonebook. Tell them about the "crazies" you are struggling with and your thoughts of suicide and violence toward others.
You may feel better during the days, but your nights are your danger zone. If it is decided by them that you go into the hospital for evaluation, GO. A doctor there does not brush off anything you tell him/her. There you will get treatment and help started for you, and they will set up an appointment with outpatient mental health in your area. I urge you to take advantage of this service that is available to you. You can ask about the "sliding scale" financial part. If you have no income so to speak, they will not refuse to help you for that reason.
Do not let yourself resort to violence, to you or to others, to be heard. We hear you. We understand your pain and suffering. We care. And we KNOW there is help for you that you can get. Open yourself to getting help. It won't make you a ward of the state so stop that worry. But you don't want to end up stuck in prison, when you could have gotten the help you need without prison.
You are a suvivor and I am proud of you for that. Now take the next step and get that help you desparately need. You must do this for you. You deserve it.
If you are not satisfied with this guy/gal, I suggest you call your local Crisis Hotline, the number is in your phonebook. Tell them about the "crazies" you are struggling with and your thoughts of suicide and violence toward others.
You may feel better during the days, but your nights are your danger zone. If it is decided by them that you go into the hospital for evaluation, GO. A doctor there does not brush off anything you tell him/her. There you will get treatment and help started for you, and they will set up an appointment with outpatient mental health in your area. I urge you to take advantage of this service that is available to you. You can ask about the "sliding scale" financial part. If you have no income so to speak, they will not refuse to help you for that reason.
Do not let yourself resort to violence, to you or to others, to be heard. We hear you. We understand your pain and suffering. We care. And we KNOW there is help for you that you can get. Open yourself to getting help. It won't make you a ward of the state so stop that worry. But you don't want to end up stuck in prison, when you could have gotten the help you need without prison.
You are a suvivor and I am proud of you for that. Now take the next step and get that help you desparately need. You must do this for you. You deserve it.
Hi bobexe I am uncertain what this was all about however I feel you would get a lot of help from the expert/Doctor forum Mental health, if you go back to the forums page click on the right, there are Experts who may haver input for you. Your last post sounds as if you are coping better,let us know how you are doing .
I am just a member myself, so I cannot do anything about your posts being "public." And in any case, MedHelp does not allow posts to be deleted once they have been submitted (except in the case of reported abuse or spam).
You can be pretty sure, though, that no one here will look you or your problems as "entertainment." Read some of the other posts in this forum and you will see that they are by people who are also in emotional pain, have shared information as personal, and in some cases even more personal, than the things you have written, and are here to give and receive help.And if there are times when you are doing better, given all of the experiences you've been through, you may be able to offer help or advice to others...
I have to go offline again now, but in the next few days I'll send you a message to see how you are doing. Meanwhile, please consider again my suggestion that you seek inpt. tx, or at least try again to get the depth of your dispair across to your psychologist! And even if Worker's Comp won't sponsor M.H. tx for you, I believe
most places have Community Mental Health Clinics or other agencies that offer free or low-cost help, based on a sliding fee scale.
Hang in there!
You can be pretty sure, though, that no one here will look you or your problems as "entertainment." Read some of the other posts in this forum and you will see that they are by people who are also in emotional pain, have shared information as personal, and in some cases even more personal, than the things you have written, and are here to give and receive help.And if there are times when you are doing better, given all of the experiences you've been through, you may be able to offer help or advice to others...
I have to go offline again now, but in the next few days I'll send you a message to see how you are doing. Meanwhile, please consider again my suggestion that you seek inpt. tx, or at least try again to get the depth of your dispair across to your psychologist! And even if Worker's Comp won't sponsor M.H. tx for you, I believe
most places have Community Mental Health Clinics or other agencies that offer free or low-cost help, based on a sliding fee scale.
Hang in there!
I want to thank you again for your time and energy. I wrote that last night, or this morning when the crazies are the worst. During the day they aren't as bad. Have you ever read the book flowers for algernon? The character in the book starts to lose it at the end of the story, he can feel it coming and is unable to stop it. That's what it is like for me. I can feel the crazies and know they are coming. I don't know how far away they are, but they are coming. I am sorry I concerned you, I am not quite ready to strap up and go out in a blaze of glory just yet. Once the state gets ahold of you they don't want to let go and I do not want to return to that type of environment. Ever! I know i am losing it and I want to stop it before it gets to the point that it is to late to stop it, sanity I mean.
While these fantasies and ideas don't really go away during the day it is at night when the pain is the worst along with the tremor and I can't sleep that the crazies come strong. I realize my own futility and it gets worse.
While death may be an ends to a means, it is really release from this pain and miserable torment that I really seek. I have hurt people before, badly, and have a hard time living with it still, I don't want to add to that burden.
More than anything I want to find away to live with this or beat this before the winter sets in and I decide that I really would be better off dead.
I have told not only my psychologist about my fantasies and thoughts, I also told a psychiatrist, about a month ago. The psychiatrist was an IME that was appointed by the workman's compensation people. I was supposed to recieve a copy of his report about 2 weeks ago but haven't yet. If I can keep them convinced that I really do need the help, maybe I will get it. This is not the first time though that I have sought mental help from them.
If you could, would you please remove this from the public forums? I would be intrested in working with you if you are willing to, to try to find alternate ways to beat the crazies with out going state. While I am intrested in your help, I am not intrested in being a form of entertainment to other members.
While these fantasies and ideas don't really go away during the day it is at night when the pain is the worst along with the tremor and I can't sleep that the crazies come strong. I realize my own futility and it gets worse.
While death may be an ends to a means, it is really release from this pain and miserable torment that I really seek. I have hurt people before, badly, and have a hard time living with it still, I don't want to add to that burden.
More than anything I want to find away to live with this or beat this before the winter sets in and I decide that I really would be better off dead.
I have told not only my psychologist about my fantasies and thoughts, I also told a psychiatrist, about a month ago. The psychiatrist was an IME that was appointed by the workman's compensation people. I was supposed to recieve a copy of his report about 2 weeks ago but haven't yet. If I can keep them convinced that I really do need the help, maybe I will get it. This is not the first time though that I have sought mental help from them.
If you could, would you please remove this from the public forums? I would be intrested in working with you if you are willing to, to try to find alternate ways to beat the crazies with out going state. While I am intrested in your help, I am not intrested in being a form of entertainment to other members.
At most ERs and psych facilities, just saying the magic words, "I've been having thoughts and urges to kill myself and to harm other people, and now I'm at the point that I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from acting on them," is enough to get a screening, a mental hygiene warrant, or an admission.
Also, if you call your psychologist and say the same things to him, he will be legally and ethically obligated to take appropriate steps to protect you and others. (And wouldn't want a malpractice lawsuit or his license pulled, if anything goes wrong due to ignoring your communication of urges and intent to do harm if you don't get help.) The only way he could get away with not acting is if you had "cried wolf" repeatedly in the past (and from what you've written that doesn't seem to have been the case), and if he carefully documented in your medical record his present discussion with you and what in his professional judgment led him to ignore your communication and fail to arrange a higher level of care (crisis unit or inpt. psych admission).
I agree you don't need JUST medication, but right now you appear to need medication and a protective environment, until the safety-of-self-and-others issue is resolved. And if Effexor wasn't right for you, don't give up on meds--there are many other good choices for managing depression and anxiety. (By the way people with depression AND severe anxiety/panic attacks represent a higher risk for suicide.) After you become stabilized, you should have ongoing outpt tx to provide emotional support, enhancement of coping skills, and help with problem solving. The depression and mental heath support communities on this site could provide additional support, since there are people visiting them around the clock.
Another resource is the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-8255. By the way, the old saw that "people who talk about it don't do it" is wrong. Most people who attempt or complete suicide have given hints or outright warning about it to one or more persons in the days shortly before they take action. The fact that you wrote back and asked for advice about getting help to stop yourself is a good sign. Now follow through on it while you still are in that frame of mind.
I take you very seriously and hope those you reach out to in your area will do the same.
Also, if you call your psychologist and say the same things to him, he will be legally and ethically obligated to take appropriate steps to protect you and others. (And wouldn't want a malpractice lawsuit or his license pulled, if anything goes wrong due to ignoring your communication of urges and intent to do harm if you don't get help.) The only way he could get away with not acting is if you had "cried wolf" repeatedly in the past (and from what you've written that doesn't seem to have been the case), and if he carefully documented in your medical record his present discussion with you and what in his professional judgment led him to ignore your communication and fail to arrange a higher level of care (crisis unit or inpt. psych admission).
I agree you don't need JUST medication, but right now you appear to need medication and a protective environment, until the safety-of-self-and-others issue is resolved. And if Effexor wasn't right for you, don't give up on meds--there are many other good choices for managing depression and anxiety. (By the way people with depression AND severe anxiety/panic attacks represent a higher risk for suicide.) After you become stabilized, you should have ongoing outpt tx to provide emotional support, enhancement of coping skills, and help with problem solving. The depression and mental heath support communities on this site could provide additional support, since there are people visiting them around the clock.
Another resource is the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-8255. By the way, the old saw that "people who talk about it don't do it" is wrong. Most people who attempt or complete suicide have given hints or outright warning about it to one or more persons in the days shortly before they take action. The fact that you wrote back and asked for advice about getting help to stop yourself is a good sign. Now follow through on it while you still are in that frame of mind.
I take you very seriously and hope those you reach out to in your area will do the same.
Thank you for your response. How do I go turn myself in? I can't even hardly speak the things that are inside. They sound so ridiculous to my own ears, but the pain and the depression and the desperation are so real. The last time I turned myself in was christmas eve 2002. They ended up giving me effexor which helped the crazies a bit but screwed me up as bad or worse than being crazy in the first place. I don't think I need medication, but maybe I do. What I am sure I don't need is just medication. The state and county say, "here are some pills, come back next week" The pills don't make everything better. I have spoken to my psychologist about some of these things, he either doesn't believe me or is trying to help me alone. Not sure. Basically the premise is if I was going to do something, I would and not talk about it. When the time comes, I will act, I am trying as hard as I can not to have the time come. Once you go there you never come back and I want more from life than a cell.
Thanks again for the help and advice.
Thanks again for the help and advice.
Welcome to MedHelp!
Unfortunately, you have made a common mistake (see my posts below regarding this problem) and have posted in the wrong place. This forum is for discussion of ideas for new features and the functionality of the site, not medical questions.
The MedHelp staff will move your post to a more appropriate forum, but meanwhile, I am concerned about you! You might want to click on the "Forums" icon near the top of the page, and look throough the menu of available forums to decide which one(s) are most relevant to your needs right now--Mental Health Expert Forum? Chronic Pain Expert Forum? (They say to allow up to 5 days for response by a doctor.) Depression Support Community? Mental Health Support Community? Pain Management Support Community? (Posts are replied to by anyone who has thoughts to offer.) You can post again in any or all ofthese.
However, if you are feeling as desperate as you indicated, it would be a good idea to actively reach out for help where you live, perhaps going to an ER and/or seeking a psych admission so you can get some immediate help, and be protected until the urges to harm yourself or someone else pass, rathter than having to wait for a response over the Internet.
Your history shows that you are have always been a survivor, despite numerous adversities and setbacks, so don't give up now! There are people who care and can help.
Hang in there!
Unfortunately, you have made a common mistake (see my posts below regarding this problem) and have posted in the wrong place. This forum is for discussion of ideas for new features and the functionality of the site, not medical questions.
The MedHelp staff will move your post to a more appropriate forum, but meanwhile, I am concerned about you! You might want to click on the "Forums" icon near the top of the page, and look throough the menu of available forums to decide which one(s) are most relevant to your needs right now--Mental Health Expert Forum? Chronic Pain Expert Forum? (They say to allow up to 5 days for response by a doctor.) Depression Support Community? Mental Health Support Community? Pain Management Support Community? (Posts are replied to by anyone who has thoughts to offer.) You can post again in any or all ofthese.
However, if you are feeling as desperate as you indicated, it would be a good idea to actively reach out for help where you live, perhaps going to an ER and/or seeking a psych admission so you can get some immediate help, and be protected until the urges to harm yourself or someone else pass, rathter than having to wait for a response over the Internet.
Your history shows that you are have always been a survivor, despite numerous adversities and setbacks, so don't give up now! There are people who care and can help.
Hang in there!
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