sexual abuse help for brother

[Kelly654]

My younger brother (age 44) has had issues with alcohol, pornography, and low self esteem for years. In recent years, I've learned that he was  sexually  abused by other males when he was a child.  He feels like he should have prevented it somehow and now he wants to die.  He is married with a great wife and a daughter.  She has told me that he has problems having sex with her.  

He will be fine for a while, and then suddenly after drinking, become very down on himself, calling himself a loser, no good, he wants to die.  The next day, he says he didn't mean it and apologizes. Then he will seem fine for weeks or even months, sometimes a whole year.  He is a born again Christian and prays that God deliver him from the pain, but He never does.

I know now that one abuser was actually a preditor.  He was the manager of a movie theater and met my brother when he was  about 8.  My parents took him to a movie and my brother got bored and wondered around and met the theater manager.  After that, this man, who seemed very nice and really good looking, would take my brother to movies or bowling, stuff like that.  Sometimes he would  bring a "girl" friend along who seemed very nice and sweet.  I was about 12 at the time and don't remember very much except that this guy seemed nice, my parents liked him and willingly let my brother go out with this guy.

Last night his wife told me that he has been talking about other men that have sexually abused him when he was younger.  He was just a little boy and yet he thinks he could have prevented it or fought them off.   The theater manager used pot to get him high so he could take advantage of him.  

Is there anything I can say to help him?  He is really beating himself up over it, but I think the abusers were cunning and knew how to get him to do stuff.  

I have been wondering if maybe he even may have "played" with other boys, teaching them what he learned.  Maybe that's why he is so hard on himself.   That's what I did.  It's a cycle in a way.  I felt guilty for years over what I did to this one younger girl (I was about 9 or 10 and she was probably 7 or 8).  My girl cousin showed me how to have an orgasm and when I got home, I showed other girls in the neighborhood.  They told their parents, who told my parents and I got in trouble.  

I stopped doing that because I kept getting into trouble and eventually began to have crushes on guys my age.  

When I was 12, a 17 yr old, took me into bed with him and did stuff to me.  He wanted to have sex but I couldn't and he didn't force that issue.   What he did hurt enough   Me and my brother were staying at my grandparents farm and they would have farms hands live with them from time to time.  They were usually people they knew, kids from town.   It was an old house and the bedrooms didn't even have doors, just a sheet over the doorway.

What can I do for my brother?  His wife and I think that the guy that took me to his bed at age 12 might also be one of men who abused my brother.  She is going to try to bring it up to him and then maybe my brother and I could talk.  I'm not sure what to say to him though.

Do boys have more guilt when they are abused?  Like their masculinity has been taken away?

Can anyone shed some light on the best way to help a guy who was abused?  I'm afraid that someday he may actually commit suicide to get away from the emotional pain.  He has said this in the past when he is drunk but the next day, he forgets everything and says he never meant it.

I've looked for articles on the web but haven't found anything that can explain in a rational way.  Children can be curious about their bodies and maybe even play doctor, but that's usually between children of the same age.  Some people even think that is wrong but I think it's sort of "normal" to wonder what some "looks" like, if they are different than you.  Is there a definition of sexual abuse that I could tell him?  

Please someone help.  I’m at a loss of what to say to him anymore.

[kathy434]

I am deeply saddened that your brother is suffering so badly from what an adult movie owner had done to him, and then other males.  There is no way he could have fought them off.  He was just a kid and they had power over him.  It was never his fault.
     I can believe that this has caused great confusion for your brother because it doesn't matter, physical friction feels good.  But when a man does it to a little boy, he is not able to see it for exactly what it is and he internalizes this confusion into his subconscious without knowing it.  The subconsious keeps popping into his consious mind, repeatedly tormenting him with questions why he didn't stop them, why it felt good when it was men performing on him, could he be gay, did he deserve that attention for some reason as a kid, and the feelings of disgust, fear, shame, embarrassment, feeling lonely with these intense memories, still afraid to reveal his history to even a therapist.  He has a dual diagnosis issue, and this is his drinking.  He has got to get help for his drinking as alcohol, while it may numb him for the moment, it is also a depressant drug, which is why he goes into all the negative thinking and feeling some degree of desire to end his life.
All those secrets he has put into his closet and slammed the door hoping they will just disappear in there.  But they never will go away.  He may need to see a psychiatrist who can handle any medical issues with him, and a therapist who is trained at dealing with his male abuse.  These trained professionals are non judgemental.  They do not lecture or pass judgements on your brother.  They are there to keep him safe from himself, as he slowly goes into the process of disclosure.  Your brother may feel that he would totally lose his mind if he started therapy.  They know that and they know what to do during times when he is feeling very bad.  It is easy to say he should just go see a counselor, but for him this is a cluster of serious traumas done to him and he doesn't know which way to go right now amid all this confusing pain.  Since you and he seem able to share your lives to some extent, this is actually an opened crack in the door for his talking and listening and knowing he is not alone with male sexual abuse.  Eventually, when he thinks he is ready, your encouragement will guide him into help.  He can't just forgive himself.  He hates himself horribly.  Forgiveness is an individual process that only he can achieve in his own time.  And if the guy who took you to bed is also guilty of molesting your brother, he has most likely molested many other boys, and girls, and he needs to be reported to your police department.  If at all possible, that guy and those other men who assaulted your brother need to pay the piper.  Jail-prison.

[margypops]

There are many good books out there for him to read, and you, ,as you say you have forgiven your self for what you did and you were very young ,your cousin was the perpetrator, in showing you and as happens,learned behavior was passed on.He has to come to that point of real;ising it wasnt his fault and he had learned the behavior from others . You werent protected very well as you have said , and when families are busy they often dont see what is going on in front of them, If you cannot get him to seek help then his wife and you can ask him to read about it, google it ,for online help,  maybe come here if he felt he could talk about it ,Good luck hope it works out  

[Kelly654]

Thank you for  your answers.  His wife has tried to get him to talk about with a therapist but he doesn't want to.  It even took me about 5  therapists before I found one that I could talk about my past abuse with comfortably.  His wife and I are going to get together and talk about how to get him to open up first and then maybe he can find the right therapist to help him.  Especially since we may have been abused by the same person, my brother might feel that I can "understand" his feelings a little better.

I have learned to forgive myself for the abuse against me and know that I just wasn't protected as a I should have been.  Still, I felt very, very guilty for what I did to the other little girls in our neighborhood.  I'm glad they told on me.  I still feel bad and wish I could say I"m sorry, I didn't know any better.

Should I have known better?  I knew at the time that I making them do something they didn't want to do but I had no conscious for it.  Is that normal for a child around 10 or 11?  I really don't know.  I used to worry that I might be gay but once I got interested in boys, all that other stuff stopped.

[Angelinthemorning]

I would definately suggest your brother get in to counseling.  It's helped me alot.  Alot of times children grow up to have guilt about this.  There are many reasons for this.  At the time the abuse is happening most children are screaming inside their head for it to stop but, can never actually verbalize it.  Others have guilt b/c on some level it does feel good. Absolutely none of this is the child's fault!!!  As children we are taught that adults protect us.  When one doesn't we have no idea how to react. Alot of abusers play severe mental games with the victim.  Whether through verbal, or physical threats.  They place fear in the child's mind keeping them under their "control".  Your brothers cycle of being fine and then sparatically getting bad sounds very familar.  From personal experience, you never actually stop thinking about the abuse.  Sure, you may have a day when it doesn't come to the surface but, it's always there.  Drinking and any other type of "drug" can be a great escape...You become numb and at the same time can express everything you're feeling.  It takes alot to be sober and talk about what abuse has done to you.
It does sound like you and your brother would have a lot to talk about.  I've found since my brothers and I are older we actually share alot of similar abuse history.  At the time, when we were young, we had no ideal the other sibling was going through it.  It could really be a good starting point for both of you.

[teko]

There is a reason it is called child sexual abuse. Personally, I have no problem with doing away with anyone that hurts a child, Permanantly, but that is another story. Your brother needs to get help thru a therepist, maybe even a support group where others have experienced his particualr kind of abuse. And he needs to forgive HIMSELF most of all and understand that this happens quite alot nowadays (sadly), and he is not alone, others have been there and survived and gone on to put it behind them to the point that they can function and be happy again. He has to reach out and accept the help that is available to him, otherwise there is not much anyone can do to help him. I hope you are able to reach out to him, or maybe his wife could attend the docs aptmnt with him if that helps him.

[margypops]

I am sorry this happened to your brother and yourself, tell him it is NEVER the childs fault he did not cause this to happen the abusers did this to him,I have heard this before when the abused child and now adult believes somehow they could have prevented it, He could definatly use some counselling and therapy , it would be good If he started off by asking his Doctor how he can go about getting help.especially if he has suicidal tendencies, It would not hurt to find out if the abusers are still around as they will have continued and will have abused other children,it would be good if they were stopped.It shows we have to be vigilant who our children are allowed to be with, and I think both sexes feel guilt later.Let us know how he is doing but I feel it is beyond your scope to help him ,he needs professional help.