Advice for single mom

[wannabefree330]

Hey guys, I know this isn't the proper site for this but the other sites don't have much activity.

I am a single mother of 3 teens.  18, 16, and 13.  My 18yr old recently became pregnant, not married and last week broke up with her boyfriend.  She still lives with me.  She has a part time job and is very reliable there.  At home, she rarely helps with daily chores, her room is constantly a mess.  She uses my bathroom/shower to get ready.  Often uses my makeup, has left curling irons on on the carpet to the point where burn marks are visible.  She wears my clothes, even my underwear!!! (yuck i know).  She rarely does her own laundry, hence wearing my clothes.  I pay for her car insurance, her cell phone, and was paying for her car until she got into some trouble with a friend in Jan and I let my son start driving the car.  So, she often takes my car to work, has only helped with gas maybe twice since Jan.  

I want to be a supportive mother and help her with living, and when the baby comes, but She completely takes advantage of me and my home.  When she was in high school, graduating was the most important thing and so i never pressed the issue of her paying for her own phone, or car insurance.  I know my poor choices have not taught her to be responsible, so I am not blaming her completely-but she knows right from wrong.  My own parents were very poor role models, both alcoholics-so I pretty much raised myself and have no guidance as to how to teach my kids to 'live'.

Can anyone share some advice on how to ease into teaching her some resposibility?  She is a little over a month pregnant and she needs to realize how much her life is going to change, and that mommy isn't going to bail her out of this one!

[SOCAL742]

Oh and look at this way, you are robbing her of life lessons for doing and paying things for her.

[SOCAL742]

Yes I know this will be the hardest thing in the world to do but its time for tough love. I dont mean kicking her out because I have been there a teen and pregnant and getting kicked out for not wanting to give it up for adoption. So I made a wrong choice, to not have it all. I was so young and selfish. Anyone who is about to judge, just know I still hurt everyday for that hard decision. I do think though she is about to have some tough life lessons coming to her and that you do need to stop enabling her, why would she try when mom is always there to pick up the pieces. She needs to feel the urgency to get motivated and grow up. Yes I know how hard it will be I am a mom too! Really my mom had to do it to me and I never would have grown up if it wasnt for the fact I had no food coming to me or no roof over my head if I didnt pick my self up and get a job and find a place to live. I do feel for you, I am sorry. My daughters are young and I hope and pray they dont turn out like me. Well they can turn out like me just that they dont go through all I had to, to get where I am today..

[Mikeinthesouth]

My wife has asked me if that werte to happen how would I feel and my answer is I love my girls dearly and am guilty for spoiling them but I teach them different and if that were to happen God forbid I know it would not be the end of the world but I have raised them and worked long and hard at giving them a great education and to let that go or to put a major stump in the way would be dreadful for us. I do not believe in abortion and I know from my own experience that even young parents can be great so I would expect them to raise their child. I did not tell them to lay down with anyone just the opposite so I will help as far as babysitting and food and roof but they will have weight to carry as I will give a percentage for awhile as long as they are bettering themselves. I had to raise my own girls even as a single father later on without any family help at all so I know it is hard but doable by the love of the parent for the child. My girls are just building a relationship with my mother so she was not a large help at all she was tied up in her marriage with an abusive ^&*I*^()&*&% if you get my drift. LOL Anyway they will have to be a parent and we know what parents do and that is not party have a blast with buddies when they can't afford milk etc so I won't help them be the party girls all teens want to be I will help them parent..... Mike

[triedeverymed]

Forgot to mention that troubleinohio &  joann1975 had some ewxcellent ideas about getting her in a program for pregant teens and getting her, her own insurance, food stamps, whatever she's eligible for so she can be independant. She may even be able to afford housing.
I like the ideas!!

[triedeverymed]

Boundaries!!! Things won't improve unless you lay down some boundries for her, just like you probably did when your kids were younger. I'm afraid it you don't toughen up the rules at home now, you're going to be stuck with a baby full time and she's going to go about her life because she knows "mom will take care of things". I would start making her pay rent (a token amount) and have her own defined space in the house where you don't go and she stays away from your space (and clothes, etc.). She's about to have the biggest responsibility dropped in her lap when the baby is born and she needs to be ready for that, not just now but until that child is 18 years old. You won't be doing her any favors if you don't start setting some boundaries at home.
I'm not trying to sound harsh by ay means, you have your plate full but I think that's why you need to make her take responsibility at home or it's just going to be more work dumped on you. It won't be easy at first and maybe seeing a counselor together would help-kind of like having someone to mediate the situation and even help you set up your own rules in yoou home.
Best of luck!!

[avisg]

Well I guess I would start telling her guess what things are going to change she is going to have the responsibility of a whole other life very soon so its time for her to grow

up .Set down some boundaries and make sure there are consequences if they are not followed. I have a 16 year old so I sooo understand what you are going threw .She has to

pay her own car ins and half of her gas monthly .My parents never made me do a thing growing up and it really made learning to be responsible a lot harder .My hubby grew up

the same way so we decided right from the beginning to make sure she had to be accountable for things .She is such a great kid.Put your foot down it will be harder because she is 18 but things can get better .

[GoingToMakeIt]

As Dr Phil would say; "How's it working for you?" You have allowed her to be this way and now it is time to change that. I know its hard but you really have to do this. She has entered into adulthood and parenthood. She made a choice and now she needs to learn what that choice means. Good luck.

[newgirl2708]

Part time job....no responsibilities...no bills...can I go live at your house...?

I was going to write for you to go back and re-read your post, pretend you didn't write it and give this woman advice. But you answer yourself (I know my poor choices...) so you already know what you should do. You have to set boundries now, while it's still early. It may be too late for her, so your resposibility lies on your younger childeren. If you continue this path you will be writting about this exact same thing two more times.
It all depends on what you're willing to put up with. You say she knows right from wrong, so do you. You are very intellegent I can tell and you know what you should do. Quit worrying if she will like you or not, being a parent can be a wonderful thing. I know that first step of discipline is the hardest, but once you do and stand your ground and the roof doesn't cave in and she's still standing there, you will know you did the right thing.
Good Luck,
Newgirl

[joann1975]

I agree with trouble.. she is a typical teenager...I was that way. Definetly she needs insurance or medicaid. If she needs to get on medicaid you send her down there to apply for it...and WIC... I am sure there are programs in your state that offer like classes on parenthood maybe? You may just google your county or state to find them.

Also, she isn't going to want to be so messy with a baby around...doesn't work so well. LOL! Does she have a checking/savings account? I know she is pregnant but is full time work an option? She needs to start socking money away for maternity leave....also since she is so early in the pregnancy she could just buy gift cards to like WalMart or Target or wherever you shop to put up to buy baby stuff when the time is closer.

She is going to grow up...you may not see it until the baby gets here though! I have to say out of all my friends... I was the only one that didn't have a baby or pregnant by the end of senior year...so this one I know about...

I know they broke up but will he be around any? Financial support? Well, he better!

Hope I was at least helpful...or something!
JoAnn

[troubleinohio]

I dont have teens yet, mine are boys and only 5 and 3 years old...but... Definitely stop enabling her so much, hard as that may be. ALso find out if there is a program in your area that helps with pregnant teens prepare for parenthood. Call maybe the local health department in your county for starters they probably can steer you in the right direction for that.  Does she have health insurance yet?

it sounds like you are really going to have to lay the law down with her. She sounds like a typical teenage girl in her behavoir, but she needs to learn soon that her life is going to change in every way and she needs to prepare and make changes.  If all else fails, just wait 8 months and she will be begging for your help LOL.  Havng a baby can be very humbling.  I know once I had my first child, I had a newfound respect for my own mother and we got much closer and I understood her so much better, and what she had gone through all those years raising us kids.  

good luck to you guys!