Are we Alive or DEAD?

[buckethead1959]

This is a great format for helping and getting help! My story is not any different. My life experience is mixed with different experiences than yours, and some the same. LIFE and DEATH is what this has all come down to. At 55 years of age, there are some things i know and much i do not. Death has been a highlight in my life. that is an odd statement! UNNATURAL death!!  young PEOPLE, well before their life expectancy. 16 SIXTEEN YEARS OLD DEAD FROM A COCAINE INJECTION. HIS HEART EXPLODED.  This is all we will listen to! that is blunt and not said with reservation on my part. I have lost 4 FOUR family members to addiction!! What does it take? Choices is what i realized it is for me. Of course their is much in between. Selfish uncaring me. Confront ourselves when we say the Words : I DON"T CARE" What is it that i don't care about now. MY life MY FAMILIES lives, my friends. MY health.taking shite that was not meant for the human body and brain. SEEing dead people right at my feet and continuing on my merry f'n way. I DON"T CARE!! POOR ME> MAN it took 4 brothers more than 60 friends.10 people on average at my methadone clinic over a ten year period. and remember i I ME I forget  the rest of my family lost those brothers!! IT is all about meeeeeeeeeee . AS i get more honest, life got harder then it was not so hard. things do change. ONLY WHEN I PUT SOME HONEST EFFORT IN TO OTHER PEOPLE, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME TAKING PROPER CARE OF MYSELF!!  I HAVE TURNED OVER EVERY ROCK AND HAVE DONE SO BEFORE , AND STILL WENT BACK TO ABUSING MYSELF.  BY CHOICE I WENT BACK TO THAT LIFESTYLE. MY CHOICE MY CHOICE MY CHOICE. THIS IS FOR ME I AM A SELFISH ADDICT. IF IT HELPS SOMEONE,""THANK GOD"" NOT me, i should be dead to. r m

[weaver71]

When the fear or impatience set in, I had a few NA sayings that really helped me get through.

There is no problem so huge that drugs CAN't make it worse.

Be HERE now!

We place progress over perfection, ever reminding us to place principle over personalities.

Progress over perfection is the one I think I will carry close to my heart forever. Perfection doesn't exist, there is no destination but death, so it's all about the journey of progress. Every second that passes off drugs is progress, even if I do nothing else all day. I can tell you are something of a philosopher, a thinker and observer. I like those qualities and put on the right path, they will take you far. You are determined to be better, you looking for lessons and good anywhere you can find it. I am so excited to watch you grow into your potential. Keep your eyes on the prize.

[buckethead1959]

there seem to be and are many commonalities with people and addicted people!! SEEM to be? there are WE are Hum. I do like to Wonder and think and dream "out side the box" so to say. "I am" "i will" I CAN...Man the Possibilities!! Reading about the President of the U.S.A. MR. O. i read a line in a magazine that described him traveling from one place to another, in his honda or whatever car type. i think more than 25 years ago. HE did dream and  wonder and think, about much i am Certain about that. Imagine all the people, like us and the presidents. There has to be a start. HE like us did not get there by staying stuck in Grief and misery and depression, lazy, greed and the other five. weather whether a person believes in GOD or a power, THEY just cannot deny that life is better, the world is better, when we follow simple rules and common sense, the twelve Commandments. Most religions have a leader or being that gives them guidelines. Boy did i have regrets and can still have when i realized what a difference it made for me to go against My Mothers simple words. "God will get ya Rick". And she said it with  a kindness but as sure as the sun in the sky. The meaning to Me Now!! Wow.
  Potential.. Well there is still much potential in this kid!! 55 and still Alive!!
I did work with the 'Differently Abled' or disabled. Completely unable to help them selves. our job my job was to do what they could not. Wow!! One young man finished university, and worked for the Canadian government as a Tax collecting person. Title not important. So you see where i am going.
  Personally my time in and out of recovery and maturing has been paying off. YOUR encouragement is important. Man i am at an early stage again, still very different from my past. This is important for me to realize and stay in touch with. My ego and pride have gotten in the way in the past. FEAR man that can be incredible when i am not aware. A pro basketball player had a t shirt on that read "know yourself". Symbols and signs. Messages seem to come from many places.  the other day myself and a friend ended up talking about what dope cuts through methadone!! f..., the conversation ended where it should have. I needed a reality check. and i Got it. Spending the time or taking the time to help another person addict or not, There are more of us than i ever Imagined. I hope and pray for you and all of us. the reality of the world is someone shot a rocket and took down a plane full of PEOPLE> fn *******.....Many people did die so we in North American can be Safe!! I did thank God i live here this morning. Have a Great Day no matter what!! r m

[buckethead1959]

yes clean as can be at 27 mls and on my way down the up road!! WEnt to the bay front this morning as i like to do> there was no sign of Mr. Beaver!!! I My time at the lake has been great! The water and the sights  and sounds there have been a fantastic change. MY attraction to nature and the OUT OF DOORS has been with me since i was a small boy!! Glad very glad this is still a part of me. Making "new memories" i like to think. the Fog has been lifting for a time now. Almost dying "literally" in a fire Last November 21, 2013 has been another of those motivators. This time i was very aware of MY own death.!! I was not stoned, drunk or high on any chemical or other!! Overdosing more than a few times does not count!! This time I realized, "If i do not find the door, I AM DEAD! That is what went through my mind as i was Almost overcome by smoke. The long and short of it is I am Alive and now Pop strawberries and blueberries instead of benzodiaz.....ratlin or any other!! Motivation comes from many places people things. Much of my behavior and behaviors have had to change. This time it is by choice 100% MY CHOICE!! The price has been to high though!! I will balance out the life scales as much as Humanly possible.
  FORGETTING what my contribution to this world, on our planet will be a mistake that can cost people their lives. I did give two men the drug that killed them!! I did give two other men the drug that put them in a coma!! I will repeat that i did not sell my dope i GAVE it away! What i nice guy. When i found myself promoting this shite or glorifying it and the behavior that goes with it., I had to stop again and THINK, "If i say try this or that, it is GREAT man"" Wow what an ***. I know what this has done and i do know what addicts do with this information. Some of us just have to try it.
   MY influence has killed others or pointed them in the wrong direction!! We help each other.
    The lake front, that is not surprising. Many recovery centers are located by the water. NOT surprising at all. I point my friends their daily. I have seen birds take more care in their young than peop...... thank you

[weaver71]

When I got clean my life got way harder. I thought of things that I had forgotten for decades. Actually, I can't even say it has become easier, but it has become more worth it and more meaningful. I went through a lot of my heart ache at 120 days, then decided to change my focus. I get the rest of my life to deal with this crap, so I decided it was time to focus on some things I like about myself. A fearless moral inventory is critical, but that includes the good inventory too. I am sorry for everyone's loss, yet I can't let that consume me. Dam it! I am a good person in many ways too. Tunnel vision on the pain and regret was eating at me. After I realized I do have some good characteristics, I built those up to conquer my resentments, pain, fear, selfishness, and am still working on those things. I love your bold honesty, that shows great maturity. I feel your humility in your words. I will point out each good thing I see in you. Our stories have purpose. God even uses our shortcomings to His benefit, so we have to keep looking for that purpose behind it all.

[clean_in_ks]

Yes, the POWER of CHOICE is an amazing gift.

I am sorry for all the pain and loss you have endured....and am glad you are writing about it.  It helps to get it out.

Are you completely clean now?  Working on your recovery?