Are you a liar too??? (hounded again)

[jstntime]

THE LIAR

Presume not I am the man I was for I have changed.  This was necessary, because I was starting to hate myself.  Now hate is a pretty strong word but truthfully, there were times that it STILL was too weak to apply to how I felt about me and the situation I was in.

Addiction will turn you into someone you never imagined you could be.  I became that person.  I’ll spare you the details because many of them are much too painful and personal to write about publicly.  Anyone reading already knows who I was.

I became many unpleasant things but becoming a liar was the worst for me.  I’m not even talking about the lies I told to my family, my friends, Doctors, pharmacies, hell, everyone.  I’m talking about the lies I told MYSELF.  

It doesn’t quite sound logical or possible, more like paradoxical to me that you can consciously tell yourself something you know not to be true and believe it just the same.  As long as you believe your own lies, you are sowing your seeds of destruction.  I say this because we use these lies to mask and cover everything we actually know to be true deep down inside.  

I’ve heard it said many times that the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem but I do not agree.  I think it starts when you realize you are a liar.  Understanding you have a problem is merely a manifestation of starting to become honest with YOURSELF.

I’ve thought long and hard about the point at which I had this realization that I was a liar.  It was not a fun realization to have. Although I’ve been suspicious of myself for some time it came while perusing this site, what I now warmly refer to as my “Dysfunctional Facebook”.

It came while reading a few posts that could have been written by me.  When I saw how people acted, the things they did, the way they felt, the things they had lost, I knew.   In a way it was liberating but in another quite depressing.  
I knew I needed to accept where I was and what I had become. I needed to accept responsibility for my actions no matter how much help I had in getting there.  And I had to stop being a liar.

The biggest lie we tell ourselves in addiction is that our choice has been lost, that we are now at a stage where our will is no longer our own.  Like all the other lies, you believe this to be gospel.  After accepting responsibility and becoming honest with myself, the dissolution of this lie was the kick in the *** I needed to change.

I wasn’t always a liar.  It comes with the territory.  There’s a bunch more things that come too but remember, I called this “The Liar”, so let’s just stick with THAT one OK?  Ha ha.  No, I used to be honest.  That’s part of the acceptance I guess and perhaps why of ALL the things that came, being a liar was toughest of all.  You see, I can’t remember a single instance in my life when someone looked me in my big blues and called me a liar.  So, I had become one, what now?

I’m sure we’ve all heard the expression: “Once a liar, always a liar”.  It’s got me on edge right now.  I can’t figure out if it means “Once” as in starting out as one, or “once” as in once you become one.  I’m sure hoping it’s the former because I’m not too prepared to be one forever.

It has got me fretting a bit though because I caught myself telling myself a few more today.  This would be re-fill day if I were using.  It would normally be my happiest part of the month when I top up my (legal AND cheaper) supply.  I told myself, “one wouldn’t hurt” and “the worst is over now”.

If there is ONE good thing about the realization of being a liar, it is this: you no longer trust yourself to be honest with yourself.  Does that even make sense???  We all know that one person that would just lie about what they had for breakfast (my ex-wife ha ha).  That person that just lies about EVERYTHING.  How do you feel when they tell you something that they swear is true?  Well that’s how I now feel when I tell myself something.

Yes, I’ve lost my credibility with myself.  I said that was a GOOD thing right?  Well it is, because I knew I was full of **** as I was lying to myself this morning ha ha.  

So before you think it’s ALL despair, I need to tell you a few things.  Today is day 19, I’m doing well.  My resolve is strong, my will to push forward is solid.  I have met some amazing people here.  All walks of life, all over the globe.  We share a bond, we share an enlightenment but most of all, we share the desire to see others make the club.  We will do what it takes to help those below, and look up to get inspiration from those above.

As for being a liar, I will deal with it.  I will earn back my own trust and try to be THE exception from the expression.  
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you to those who have encouraged or written, I can’t begin to tell you what you have done for me. (I swear this is true ha ha)

bob, the liar

[ginsa]

Congratulations on beginning to see inside yourself. It's very true that people will start to believe their own lies. Esp. when they see that they can get away with lying to others repeatedly. It's a big step to acknowledge what you have become, and a braver step to change it. People can change...bad to worse, good to bad, and back again. I believe in you if you want to change. Peace.

[co872]

I'm a liar! The guilt is terrible and drives the addiction, I am done beating myself up though it does not help. You have come so far, I'm amazed, and glad for you. I hope I am one of the next, to be saved from myself!