I just want to give up!

[SadWife]

I don't really have a question just feel the need to vent a little.  my husband of 13 years is still very much addicted to vicodine. Things have been pretty good but little did I know that was because he has been sneaking around and getting the vicodine behind my back.  He is not getting them from a doctor either.  I don't trust him and he finds every excuse to get angry with me when I confront him. His parents are elderly and they have a prescription so he is sneaking over there to get his fix. He tells me he is going over there for lunch but I found out it is so he can get his pills.  Why god did I marry this man. I had warning signs before we were even married. His grandmother was so addicted to anything she could get her hands on and this stuff runs in families.  I think his parents are hooked too that is why they have them.  He thinks I am so stupid that I don't know what I am seeing right in front of my face.  I know addiction to well. My mother was a raging alcholic and my brother is a recovering alcoholic.  I have lived it and breathed it my entire life.  I hate it and I resent it and now I hate my husband because of it. I hate myself for marrying him and I am so scared for my kids.  How can I possibly stay married to him?  How do I get away from him. How do I start over when I am 40 years old?  I had that little voice in my head telling me over and over something is not right but I did not listen.  Listen to that voice people!!!  I have this love/hate thing going on for my husband now.  My parents are both dead and my husband was all I had and I have lost that too.  My kids look to me to take care of them to keep them safe and they have no idea he is like this. They love  their dad. They think he is great!! He is the good guy and I am the bad guy.  I can't believe I am in this position in the first place.  I swore up and down I would never ever get involved with a drunk.  I did not realize I would end up with a drug addict. I can't go on like this and I have to get  him out of my life once and for all before he brings me down with him.  My kids deserve better and I most certainly will not tolerate one more day of LIES!!!!!!!!

[tiff78g]

In response to your question, I tried many ways to get him to see that sobriety was a better life, but it didnt work. I finally just told him it wasnt working, I am sober and that's what I want in my life. He freaked out, I mean really freaked out, but I stayed calm, and away from him while he was packing. I then drove him to a friends. He continued to call me for a few days, but the last time we spoke, I told him do not call unless he is clean, and I have not heard from him since. I have my rough days where I miss him, especially when I look at our dd and see him in her, but I miss the person I thought he was, not the real him.

Tiffiny

[Calzy]

Do you think you can get your husband to look at this forum. Most ppl who abuse pain pills feel alone and hide, or try to hide their addiction and think they can fix it somehow without help. Thats how i felt but if i knew of this site, i think things would have changed sooner for me and been able to save my marriage. I will post my story for him, knowing his situation is going to be different. My wife tried everything she could to help me with my 13 year addiction to pain meds and all i would do is lie to her face about my addiction problem even when she would ask if i was using. I told her when i met her that i always abused drugs but i was clean at the time i met her , so it may have been hard for her to see that at the time. I was able to maintain a good job so my wife could stay home because she wanted kids and we have 4, with 3 teens in the house now. I did what i could, which was not much, to support around the house because i would always be gone alot when i was high or run out of me meds and be in withdrwal and was in bed alot and would make up stories why i was sick. After years of me getting worse and worse, my wife had enough of me being "checked out" and the lies and me putting her down when she wanted to help me and she started going out 4 yrs ago with with friends at night for a break and started dating and got serious a few times with other men.
I call her my ex-wife because of this. She would farm out the kids to their friends homes and than go out and leave me at home. I was pissed about her dating while we were married but she said she did not care about what a piece of paper said because i never cared, and i guess she had a point. So after acouple of times trying to kill myself, i told my wife about all the years i cheated on her with my drug use and checked in a 28 day rehab. She dropped me off there and picked me up after with very little support while in, and both our families live out of state so it was hard to work the program there. Got out, went to about 75 AA meetings in a row and some did after care from the rehab center, but my wife enjoyed her new life and i was home with the kids almost every night and soon i fell back into my addictions of pain meds to deal with the emotional problems in my life. I took more than ever and i said this time my addiction use will go with me to my grave. Things stay the same for a few years and still living together, than i had trouble working because of my using so i left my carreer job and had to start changing jobs to hide my addiction and was working less and less because my body was just giving out. Last Feb my drs cut me off all my meds, my money was low, i could hardly work so i had to go c/t off the pills, got on methadone for 6 more months, which was a mistake to stay on and quit everything about 4 mos ago and now i am getting support from my wife and good friends.  My wife got kind or tired of her side life so she and i are both home more for the kids, my kids are doing great thru all of this, we both have always shown lots of love to our kids. The last two yrs i had to live off what retirement $ i had and now thats gone, i am trying to regain some strenght to go back to work and my wife is working some. I dont know where it will go from here but i can only live one day at a time but it is nice to be clean and sober for a change, even with all the problems.  Sadwife, try not to react in anger but try and make some plans for yourself and your kids and tell your husband your plans. Tell him he has to make a choice for himself now as well and i hope and pray he makes the right choice.    

[Silhouette62]

Yes don't hate the addict hate the addiction. Its not easy to just quit those pills. Does his personality change a lot on them? I'm addicted to pills but people don't even know or notice. I don't take so much that I get all messed up. Does he? I liked the advice about doing your own thing and leave him alone for awhile and see if he makes a decision. I know when my husband was using crank I backed off because me nagging him was not motivating him to wanna quit, it was making him worse! Hehe keep posting and good luck to you and your family.

[chillipeppa]

first of all 40 yrs old, what??? are you joking 40 yrs is sooo,young sad wife, another thing you have not lost your husband, thats the guy you married he has always been that way, what by the sounds of it you have lost is wait for it sad wife. YOURSELF!. THATS WHAT BEING SUROUNDED BY ADDICTION DOES. its so consuming and emotionally draining that the person gets lost somewhere in ther.
its time to take time out for yourself before you make any rash decisions. i understand why you hate addiction but try putting it into perspective it is addiction you hate and quite rightly so but its not the addict you hate. you just hate what there doing and their so wrapped up in themself they cant even see the torment your going through. you need support, find it anywhere you can its a needs first thing here.
Think of all the nice things you like doing, and dig in there deep, try and start doing them, keep yourself busy, mind your own business for a bit let your husband get on with it and see how things go, maybe it will give him some space to make his on choice on recovery without you suggesting it and pleading with him every day. resentment of addicts is a cup tthats offered you to drink( its pure poison) dont touch the stuf f and if you have and by the sound s of it you already have clear it out of your way it will never do you any good.
start enjoying your kids, do nice things with them your the stability in their life dont let their fathers addiction ruin you sense of clarity to give you children the best you can,
i empathise with you addiction is something we all deal with, addicts dont like to agree with that but the affects addiction can have on others  can be devastating . be strong sad wife put some time in for yourself. god knows you deserve it. god bless you and yours and may god speed some good solid answers to your plight asap.  

[shelby74]

Hi there,

I am sorry for what you are going through, I really am but you say you have had this much experience with addiction then you should not hate the people but the disease itself.  Just because a person is an addict does not mean there is no hope.  Has he tried anything to get off of them or have you tried an intervention?  Maybe you are done with the marriage anyway, I think you should still seek help for yourself.  Have you been to Alanon?  Sounds like you have been hurt a lot by addiction, just go for yourself if nothing else.

I wish you all the best,

shel

[SadWife]

Thank you for the encouragement!  I really feel better just getting it out in the open.  I just have one question for you?  How did you get him to leave? I am not sure how to approach my husband. We have been together for 15 years and married for 13.  I know it could not have been easy for you.  I am just not sure how to approach him.  He is so moody and gets very angry that I am afraid of him when he really gets mad. The drugs make him crazy.  I just don't want to end up a domestic violence victim on top of the verbal abuse I already endure.  I want to be where you are and I want to feel soooo much better too!

[tiff78g]

I know all to well what you are going through. I just ended my relationship w/ my dd's father due to his pill and coke addiction. Let me tell you, I feel soooo much better now that he is gone. I was at first falling for the lies, believing the I want to quit, I want a better life. I just got to the point where I knew he was lying, I did not believe one word that came out of his mouth, even little things. Me and my dd are better off. I dont want her to have to grow up and watch that. Both of my parents are addicts and I know firsthand the hurt that causes a child. I will prevent that to the best of my power. Good luck to you. I am here if you need anything.

Tiffiny

[SadWife]

I know I should not beat myself up but at the same time I should've known better.  I have had years of counseling in order to get my head on straight.  I just feel like all that I have invested in this relationship is like a total loss.  Like I just saw my house burned to the ground.  I knew he was taking the pills and I urged him to go to a doctor. He went to a pain specialist and they prescribed him tons of the pills.  I thought well the doctors know what they are doing.  The doctor finally cut him off and then he started his decent into this hell.  I am not going along for the ride.  I cannot bring myself to fight him anymore on it.  I am throwing in my white towel so to speak.  I am getting up the courage right now to talk with my brother and see what advice he may have for me. He does not live near me so I have to email him.  I feel alone!! Thanks for the pat on the back

[IBKleen]

Hello and Welcome!

I am sad for you. Living with an active addict is hell for all involved.

You have experience with addiction, whether it is alcohol or drugs..there is no difference. You KNOW that you cannot fix him unless he wants to be fixed. He has to help himself and obviously he is not willing to do that.

You need to do some soul searching and decide what is best for you and the children. It will be tough on them at first because they can't comprehend it, but in the long run they may grow to understand and be thankful. right now you don't need their permission or their approval.

Please stop beating yourself up. This is not your fault. You didn't ask for this.
Can you speak with your brother in recovery and ask for his help?

Please continue posting and let us know how you are.