Losing All Hope (Doctor Shopping)

[loveandlight05]

At this point, I am starting to lose all hope that I will be given probation. I have not heard what the official charges are yet because I have not been given the date when the grand jury will meet. For those who haven't read any of my previous posts, I was arrested about a month ago for doctor shopping for Ambien and hydrocodone. I saw a lot of doctors, so I will be facing several counts.

I have been researching other cases for the past two days. I had promised myself that I would stay off of the internet, but I have gone nuts typing away and searching everything regarding doctor shopping that one could imagine. I have seen a woman who got 5 years probation. Another got two years. A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years? And needless to say, I am absolutely terrified. I am finding it hard to see how I am going to take care of my children and go to work like everything is OK when everything is so not OK.

At first, I was thinking that since I had no previous record, I would be a good candidate for probation or deferred adjudication. Now, I am imagining things I can accomplish in prison because I am pretty sure that is where I am headed. I have never so much as not paid a traffic ticket. I am a teacher, so I have always given back to my community although I think this will work against me in the end. It would make for a good news article to have the teacher locked up for doctor shopping.

I have two babies that will be one year old on Wednesday. Losing them is my biggest fear. I don't know if a judge will take into consideration how it will affect them if I go to jail. That is all I am thinking about at this point. I know I will have to find another career. I know I will most likely lost my house. I just don't want to lost my kids. They are so little. i don't want them to suffer just because their mother is an addict.

I can tell you one thing I do know: I will never ever ever ever use another drug in my entire life. I will never use again. I know that for certain. Hitting bottom has taught me that. This was my bottom. I will never tough another illegal substance. It is really sad that it took me going through this to figure it out, but I know now what drugs can do to your life. If nothing else, I hope my story reaches someone who is making the wrong choices and changes their mind. Addicts end up in prison, in institutions or dead. That is it. There is no other path when you are actively using. Know that. You must stop now, or there will be grave consequences. You won't get away with it. No one does. You may have thought that the only consequence was withdrawal. There are much larger consequences awaiting you if you continue to use. I had several chances to get sober. I thought I was never going to get caught. I had multiple chances to change my life. But I thought I had it all worked out, and now here I am facing hard  time for my actions.

If anyone out there had faced what I am facing and has any advice, please comment below. Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?

[loveandlight05]

I am so scared that this is going to get so much worse before it ever gets better. I feel like what I did is equal to those women who have sex with their students? How could this be equal to that? IDK but I feel like it is. I would almost see that person getting probation before me. I looked up the inditements from last month. Almost all of them were for possession. But none were fraud possession. Just me. If y'all knew me in person, I'm certain you'd see that I'm a fairly benign person. I'm not a threat to society. I'm very productive. I really don't deserve this. I really don't.

[loveandlight05]

Are y'all still there?

[IBKleen]

You are so focused on everyone else and the one who needs focusing is you honey. I don't have your answer. We here are trying to give you options. Maybe one will click. We will keep talking anytime you need to. Someone is always here for you. It would hurt me to see you lose over trying to make someone else happy.  The only person you need to please is YOU. Easy to say for me huh. Oh sweetie I wish I could reach out and grab you and stick you into treatment where you are safe and you can heal. But I can't do that so I am here to listen...

[loveandlight05]

I am trying so hard to make everyone else happy right now. So hard. I keep trying to act like I am OK. I try to not bother anyone with all of this negativity. It is brewing inside of me all of the time, but I am trying to show everyone that I am not going to be a problem anymore. I will no longer disrupt everyone's lives.

What I really want is just to slow down, focus on getting better, feel the emotions that I need to feel and accept that. I could do that if I was able to be in a program on a consistent basis. I would be handling this all differently if I could just slow down and breath. But everyone is pushing me so hard to work, work, work. Don't show that anything is wrong. All anyone wants is for me to keep making money and not lose my house.  

[loveandlight05]

Thank you so much for this. I feel unworthy of any help right now. My parents bailed me out and paid for an attorney. I feel very certain that if I sat them down and told them I needed more help, they would tell me to get over myself. My husband is very hurt by my actions, so I feel that I don't deserve his love anymore. I am trying so hard to keep it together for my babies. I don't want them to know anything is wrong. I would love to go out on FMLA. I am fairly certain I could do that with my addiction therapist signing off on it, but I wouldn't be able to be paid. I don't have any vacation days left. I used them with my daughter because she was pretty sick for a while earlier this year. If I don't make money, we will lose everything. I support us 100%. Our house would be gone. Hell, we can't even pay all of our bills as it is. My husband was never supposed to work part time. He was supposed to work full time in the evening and me full time in the days. But he decided that he wanted to just work about three hours a day, and I have not been able to get him to get another job. So without my check, we can't put food on the table. We are not on any kind of assistance that we could use in the meanwhile. I have money in my retirement, but I will need that when I get fired. I want so badly to take some time for myself. That one week in detox was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I talked as much as I could to my counselors. I felt, for the first time, understood. My family is very affluent. They are of the mind that people like the don't have addiction issues. How could they have raised such a trashy daughter? Literally, my mother called my behavior "low rent'". She asked me how she could have raised a daughter that has such a low rent side to her. I love my husband. I really do. I want to make it better and make him trust me again and love me again. I don't want him to give up on me, and I don't want to give up on him. We created the two most beautiful creatures in the world together.

And Yes, you are the ONLY people who I have right now. No one else gets it. No one but you guys and the people in the meetings. They get it. I need that right now. I need someone to tell me that they too have been arrested. That they too are an addict.And that they were fine in the end and didn't go to jail because they got sober. I am trying so hard against all odds. I really am. I cry fifty freaking times a day, but I am getting up, going to work, staying clean and taking care of my kids every day. I just need one hour a day to take care of myself. Just one hour. Please keep talking to me yall. Please.

[IBKleen]

Honey, if I were closer to you I would ask you to put the coffee on and I'de bring the donuts. I DO know you need someone in person..that is what I have been saying all along. I DO understand your situation. I was arrested 4 times in a matter of months and the last one I was facing 7 years in prison. Things work out if we do the right thing. But as we have been telling you and as Vicki just did..YOU HAVE TO GET Help. I love her suggestion about a family intervention for YOU. Please, please hang in there. We can't be there right now but we can be here. Keep talking until you can't no more.