A Semi-Personal Question... Need Advice

[Lotsatrout]

Ok... here's the deal.  First of all my wife and I have a very good relationship.  No previous infidelity or anything like that.  We've been married for 19 years and were each others first boyfriend / girlfriend...  There's a little history.

She has been a member of a running website which is fine with me but there are threads she participates in that really rub me the wrong way... Example.. There is one called "the woman underneath"  The object of the thread is to have someone "post on top of you" so you are the woman underneath.  Anyway there are comments made such as:

I'm a little sweaty from my run but I'll be under someone

There needs to be more guys on this thread.  I don't mind being under Sally but I prefer men

I need a man to post... I need a guy under me...

Oh good... now I'm under superman!

Now I'm under Mike

That's just a few...  I'm sure you can think of more stuff like that but that's how it goes.  These comments really bother me a lot and I need to know if I'm just being to sensitive about this whole thing?  She spends most of her evenings on the website and she's back on first thing in the morning before going to work.  

Please keep in mind that I'm not suspicous of anything I just feel like my guts are being ripped out when I read my wife typing these things to other people.  Am I too sensitive?  All I know is that when I read that stuff it really, really bothers me.  Any advice?  Thanks in advance.

Trout

[Savas]

Ugh...in that case, it's semi serious. I would suggest going back to square one.

treat your wife like you did when you first met. Take her on dates, sneak into places to make out... a big problem with addiction and recovery is it kills intimacy. I don't know if folks know this, but if you aren't doing a lot of casual touching and "snuggling"...well, lets just say there's an actual physical/chemical process there that gets things going to lead to good sex. The trick is to do something proactive and positive.

The biggest problem most have going through this process is we feel physical "strange" for...forever afterwards. Your skin just doesn't feel..."right" on you. I'm not trying to say it's entirely your fault, but if things haven't been going that great before all this compared to back before your addiction/recovery, well, it could be an issue.

That's why I say "start over". the changes you're going through physically may have affected how you react to each other physically. You may just have to "relearn" each other on a physical level. Remember, even your SMELL is different when you become and addict and stop being one. And that's a big part of the chemistry that leads to nookie (notice how you think the person your in love with just smells soooo good? Well... change that pheromone base and...potential trouble).

[Lotsatrout]

I should say that she hasn't been back to that thread....  She has been to the forum quite a bit though.

And Savas... since this all came out sex is virtually non-existant at this point.


Trout

[Lotsatrout]

Ok... I've already got "spy" software on my puter because of some of my daughters activities.... I've read everything on there and aside from what I call the "sleazy" forum there have been no other "goof up's" on my wife's part.  So that's good!  I don't think that she's having an internet fling or anything like that either.  Those posts in that forum brought back some of my very worst memories though.  I won't go into detail because the details don't really matter but those posts really got my attention fast!

She hasn't been back to that forum but she has alomst 7200 posts in 18 months and was logged onto that site for 41 hours in 3 weeks... that bothers me a little bit.  Does that seem like a lot to you guys?  I did the math and figuring that she was on there for 5 days a week and not 7 that would be somewhere around 20 posts a day.  On top of that she's on there while she's working as well so that 41 hours does not account for her time on there at work....

I'm just really frustrated and feel like it's my fault for being neglectful for so long.  I just want things to be how they were before... You know...before all the addiction **** and stuff.  Please don't get me wrong here... I love my wife very much and she loves me as well.  We have been through A LOT together and nothing will seperate us.  This is just one of those self-induced problems that I need to straighten out.  

Thanks a bunch for all of your posts and PM's.  I really do appreciate it.  

Trout

[here4info]

it's the internet for you....but....talk to her ask her how she would feel if it were the other way around. She would not like it and personally I don't think it is very appropriate for a married woman to be flirting cause that is what it is. My husband would have hit the roof if he found me posting such comments and you are right to be bothered by them thats your wife....I personally find it to be wrong on her part..

[Savas]

What would bother me about it is not that she does it but if she's doing it obsessively. If she's spending hours on the site and this is an example of what she's doing...well...

I've been married 15 years myself and I'm trying to decide how I'd feel if I saw my wife doing this...and I think what I said still applies. I suppose my attitude is done occassionally, it's stupid but harmless...done alot...well...

here's a question. Is your sex life any worse or better? If better...

Leave it alone.

LET HER KEEP POSTING!!!

worse...well...that's another story.

[susieq87]

Unless there is something more substantial, I wouldn't worry about it. Do you own thing, ask for your time on the internet or if you can afford it another computer.  A lot of what is said in some columns aren't real serious.Others are.  I probably wouldn't like it either as I would feel left out of something, but what? Thats the key, what are you being left out of?  Is it important, is it about you or your relationship?  Point this column out to me, itis hard to visualize it with just what you have said, one needs to know it's purpose....

[flmagi]

What kind of web site is this? And if shes on there that much they must talk about other things, like what? Does she let you see what they talk about?
I used to play games on Pogo.com and got to know alot of people there, just like here and sometimes the talk would get alittle flirty or riskque, but never serious. At least not for me. It was all very harmless. But we also talked about food, work, kids etc.
What I'm saying is usually its harmless, as long as its not all sex talk etc. A little banter every now and then ....no big deal.

[JayDiddy]

It doesn't sound good. Physical affairs often start out with emotional ones. The internet is a place to escape and even if she is/was not intent in messing around, one thing can lead to another starting with "harmless", flirtatious posts.

Also, our gut -intuition is very powerful. I have become aware of cheating from my gut feeling alone.

I would go to www.download.com and download a keylogger. This records all keystrokes and actually you can get her login information. If you are married you have a right to know in my opinion. It will record any typed keys so you don't even need to login to her account.

Good Luck!

[mimi1313]

The amount of time on the site would bother me. I would not personally do that to my fiancee, but she may see it as harmless banter.

[liscamdave]

I hate to say this, but to me, that is not normal stuff for a woman to be writing. If she is spending all her time on this site, its not right. She has reasons why its the first thing she does in the morning and is on it all nite. there are reasons. If I were you, I would make up a screen name. Start to get to know her, and leave messages, see how she reacts to them. That is my personal opinion. What kind of website is it?