Confession time

[lonote]

I'm not the suboxone Queen. And to be honest I believed I've been premedtiating this , but I didn't take the little orange pill under my tounge for four or five days now. I knew the girl with the percs and the vicodone down the hall was desperate for money, so I offered her a buck a piece for her mepiderine I don't know how you say it, but its demoral. So I was eating them like candy. I was afraid to tell you guys, just cuz....But I just took a suboxone cause I can see burning up the cash before it happens, and I don't want to be i a broke state around holiday time, and if I try any more pills it won't work. Its the better call for me,even though I prefer numb this time of the year. I f---ed up
big time and I'm sorry if I let people down. I'm a f---k up. I just don't lnow how to get thru the holidays this year. Who ever doesn't know me, the years ago I had a cluster f--- of death in my family begining at holiday time. My big brothers was the one that broke me down. I was recovering from surgery when he died and it was convient to milk to docs out of all the pain meds I could get at the time.Which bacame a problem.But, I've Been an addict for years.Don't know how to get thru it. I just want to be numb, but Ican't  be.   It hurts.    lonote  It didn't just happen, its been a few days, I've been to coward to announce it out here.

[Zurich42]

You're on my mind - how are you doing???  Marie

[lonote]

hi sweetie! i've been wanting to talk to you for sometime now. I'm glad you came here.Its been
hard times around here, but, I can only imagine what you must be going thru. my thoughts are with you and your family. I'm really sorry about your dad. I wish I had the right words. In in my thoughtsss
hon, I have to go take a quick shower. they are cutting off the warter soon for a few hours. So I will be back klove back at ya!!!          Cathy

[hopeless]

Hey Mama,

Listen, being honest is the BEST thing to do. Heck look at me, i always come here and say it like it is. If i started using again, so what! I am who i am, and i have NOTHING at all to hide...If i use, i will tell you, if someone don't like it, then i say "OH WELL"...It is my life that i am screwing up so girl, be honest, it will make you feel better to get it all out. Not one of us are perfect, and never will be. We all make mistakes, even though we know we are making them. This is called LIFE...

I still love you, and always will. This is a hard time for me too sweetie, my dad, well we just got more bad news today. Hospice was at the house this afternoon and told us that they see him going faster than what they had thought he would. Mom just called here a few minutes ago crying her eyes out. So guess what, i popped a pill. I needed to calm down, and that is what seems to work for me right now. I will worry about me and my addiction after things are dealt with concerning my dad.

You just take one day at a time hun, and you will get through this, i promise! Never feel like you are letting us down on here, this is why this site was invented! We fall, then we need to get up again.

Anyways, i am going to eat supper, i just got home from work, then i am going to my parents house. I will be back on here later this evening. I hope you will be here, i really want to talk to you...

Wuvs ya,
Hopey

[1eagle]

Right arm, Cathy...I think that i even finally realised that there simply are not enough pills for that type of pain. Something that I should have put togethere a long time ago. And this site played a large part in that decision. I wish Al Gore would have invented the internet a shade earlier. Thanks for your words...they really helped me this morning. Consider yourself a true inspiration also.

[lonote]

What a way to put it eagle, and you are totally right. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. You and your wife sound like incredable people. I wish I had the right words, but you've got me there. I'll never know how you feel exceptthere would never be enuf pills for me to get thru something like that. No, the pills really never make the emotion pain go away. Its something we have to feel, and stages we have to go thru, with sound mind to be able to move  ahead. I don't know if you ever get  thru  the loss of a child. My heart bleeds for you when you tell me your story, and I'm really sorry. You are a  true inspiration.    Cathy

[1eagle]

Just when you think that there is no way that any one else could relate to you, you find out that is not really the case. I lost a son that was born on 12/23...renal artery thrombosis that shut down both kidneys. My wife and I were trained in dialysis and had our son home dialysing every six hours for couple of months...tube feeding and the whole nine yards.Wasn't much of a Christmas present.

I guess these pills were never really intended for emotional pain.

Quit a bargain on the demerol...how totally American; death on the installment plan

[TimH2]

I understand where you are coming from. It is a tough time of the year for me too. It always used to be wonderful until my mother's death on Jan 2. That is the Christmas that zapped all the spirit out of me. I am getting better and know that she would only want me to be happy. She was the type that loved to decorate and she did a great job, very artistic lady. I know what you mean about wanting to feel "numb" and that is why most of us are opiate addicts. It does take away emotional pain, but it also steals your emotions. Hang in there baby!!!!  

You hop back on the horse and "Ride Lonote Ride" :)

Love to ya,
Tim

[customshopkv1]

I am just as guilty, since I fell off this 4 day weekend (I tend to get run over by the wagon when I fall off).  All we can do is get back up and get back on.  We are ALL in the same boat, for the most part.  It will be ok.

[lonote]

Thanks road, you must mean having my sone gone is not great either. I am tough, and thanks sweetie for having faith in me. Using is a low place, and I can see myself pissing away money, so i'll nip it in the bud.

[road2recovery]

girl---i know it took alot to get on her and get that out...And i want you to know that i am so proud of you...The holidays are scaring the **** out of me..LIke you i have alot of people i miss and christmas is worst then thanksgiving....When i think of how much i have to do sober this yr scares the **** out of me..But i decided i will just do the best i can..

I am so sorry for your lost, and having your son here is not great either..But girl i have always knew you were tough, you WILL beat this , i know it..
r2r

[Zurich42]

I know you're sad - and the holiday's make it even rougher.  We 'wish' for the days with our loved ones - or worse, we 'wish' for the perfect days with those we loved but didn't always 'like'.  I watched 'Home for the Holiday's' yesterday and was reminded at how brothers/sisters gang up on each other - especially during the Holiday's.  I felt blessed if my family didn't wind up on the news Thanksgiving night (especially CNN  - then the WHOLE world knows - dang).  
I believe you are younger than me - and dealing with grief is a 'dance you perfect over time' - so, don't take my statements too hard about excuses.  If there's one thing I've learned is that everyone has their own timeline on maturity - and what was important to me when I lost my parents is no longer important to me now.  I do, however, recognize that when I start excusing my behavior because of this or that or this or that - that ideally I am spending a lot of wasted energy and avoiding the real problem.  
Start a plan - make sure your plan has steps that make you comforted right now (without the use of drugs).  
One of the things I've read about detoxing is taking hot baths with epsum (sp?) salts - which I will do here shortly.  I don't pretend to have all the answers - quite the contrary.  But I can sense that you're a smart person - and getting on this forum and admitting problems takes courage.  Hold on to THAT and not any type of condemnation.  None of us have enough time in the world to beat the **** out of each other - at least not me.  :-)  You have a blessed day also.  Thanks! Marie

[lonote]

Thanks for your thoughts, I did not take it as a personal attack. In fact thankyou very much for responding. And Shelby, its a hard thing, and I know you are struggling also. Honey I'm feeling you. Right here, as I place my fist on my heart. You are a remarkable woman, and I think the world of you.
I always have. I pray for you, my dear.   Cathy

[lonote]

I can't thankyou enough for taking the time and talking to me about this. Mestisa you are right, staying clean is a b----. And Zurich42 a plan is a very good idea. Need a plan. The Suboxone alone won't fix my addiction problem. No, the subonone did not throw me back into full blown withdraws.
Actually, it makes me feel better. Zurich, you've got me thinking, and my addiction doesn't have anything to do with deaths in the familt around holiday time. Maybe its a handy excuse. You;ve got me thinking now. Excuses. But it is still a sad time of year for me as well as many others. So a plan is a very good idea. Thanks so much for taking the time to write all that. I hope you have a blessed
day!!!     Cathy

[shelby74]

No one would think of ganging up on her.  Who among us have not failed?  I for one feel better once I let someone know.

Cath you did good by getting that out.  Like everyone has said.  Just drive on now hun.

[1eagle]

I am not sure why we feel compelled to beat ourselves up over this stuff. Its hard enough with everyone on your side... I spoke with my pastor about some Vietnam ptsd things and he had a very valid viewpoint. That would be...Would your family want you to be coping, or not, with life and using them as a reason (possibly an excuse) to get pilled up? I am inclined to think not. This is not an attack on you personally, in fact it makes me feel a little better because  this is a milestone for myself - its the longest stretch of clean that I have had in many years. But I also know that I could find a very legitimate reason to gobble a handful of ........(fill in the blank) pills, but that would set me back too far for my current agenda. Just pick up the pieces and drive on. No one here will gang up on you.

[Zurich42]

I'm sorry for your loss - I am.  But I too have lossed loved ones (my mother was buried the day before Thanksgiving Day) and my addiction to Vicodin doesn't have anything to do with them.  It was me that took the pills - for whatever reason - thinking that I was masking 'the pain - just taking the edge off - but I won't get addicted' - and wah lah, I did.  And I am.  And now I have to live with that responsibility and am tapering off Vicodin.  Am I in pain? you bet.  I miss my family (they were pretty much destroyed when my parents died).  Am I physically in pain? you bet.  My lower back is screaming.  But I am taking responsibility for my actions - and that's not easy.  I've never been part of any withdrawal before - nor have I been part of any 10-step program.  I can tell you from experience that if you want to be 'well', you are making the first step with 1) admitting you returned to drug use, 2) seeking help by use of this forum, and 3) perhaps - just perhaps - looking to get back on a plan???
I don't want to take away your grief - I don't know you and grief is an important process for all of us to go through  - whether we want to or not.  I can tell you that this is MY life and I don't want drug use in it anymore.  My parents are in a place that's far better - more peaceful - painless - and whether they have the ability to see me or not, I think they are proud of me - even if I've slipped and started abusing painkillers.  My point is that I don't use them as an excuse for my problem.  God took them for whatever reasons (my nephew also - he was 22) and I am left to either deal with the grief or move on.  I've chosen to move on and live my life.  
I wish you the best of luck and am sending you positive thoughts.  Take responsibility for your actions by making a plan - forget the 'guilt' in 'returning' - just move forward.  Don't beat yourself up - rather, turn it around and make a plan to get better.  Easy words, huh?

[mestiza]

How long after taking your pills(demerol) did you take the suboxone?  It didn't throw you into precipitated withwrawals, like so many people think right?  i know the naloxone is to discourage people from shooting them up and that is all.  correct?  I would like to know for my own peace of mind.  Only b/c i took them before my doc said and i was fine. I certainly am not encouraging anyone to go against doc.s orders i would just really appreciate you sharing your experience, and don't be too hard on yourself, we all fall short at times we're only human. Like they say get back on that horse and hang on tight .  Getting clean is easy, staying clean is a *****!

[shelby74]

Oh Cath, honey you have done so well.  Please never be afraid to say anything.  I know there is no excuse to use but the holidays are my worst time of year too.  I want to be numb too.  I am struggling very hard but this time of year won't last forever.  I can't imagine losing my brother and I am so sorry.  I am here for you sweetie.

luv u,

shel