addiction and chronic pain

[vikegirl]

hi all,

feeling like **** at the end of my first week tapering...yet again.  i have endometriosis, and 5 years ago was prescribed darvocet for cramps.  it was the first thing that ever let me function during my period.  but it was also that feeling of happy, sluggish non-thought that made me feel like i'd found the best thing ever.  i had really bad cramps at work one day and ended up taking 3 darvocet at once, and had to go to the doctor for a fluid IV to wash it out of my system....that was way too much.   the doc i saw prescribed me vicodin, and seeing me in so much pain gave me huge prescriptions for the pills, with many refills, once even 160 pills with 5 refills.  i have never been a "happy" person and found a way to escape with the vikes.  over the last few years, i fought it, enjoying the pills when i had my period and then, though i was taking them still after my period was over for a few days, putting the bottle down at some point.  then it became 1 a day, when i was depressed.  then 1 everytime something stressed me out.  to the point where i had been taking 6 per day for the last couple years.  i've had to forgo them for a few days when i would run low or run out completely, and it was horrible.  i recently came to a point where i realized i would have to order them online or resort to dr. - shopping and really really realized (though i knew it before) that this is ADDICTION.  the kind that runs your life.  that was last week, and though i procured another script for 40 pills (no refills), i feel like, it's a good thing i don't know where the next ones would come from.  i have to stop.  when i started college i had all these ideas and things i wanted to do, and around my second year was when i was prescribed the darvocet, and i don't feel like i've done much of anything since then.  i have no desires, no wants, no dreams or ideas.  i am content to sit around f***ed up and watch tv.  i have no sex drive.  and the only thing i know how to do when i'm depressed is take pills. i'm pretty sure that where my life is now is because of the pills.  and i'm the one taking them.  so i need to stop.  in the past 10 days or so i've gone from 6 pills a day to 2, but supplementing with soma to enhance the effect of the 2.    i'm still feeling achy and got the RLS, intestinal stuff going on and just feeling none too pleasant.

so i guess....my question is this:  i'm terrified to face my period without pills.  i have wanted to rip out my insides when ON the damn things, so what's it going to be like without?  before i was treated with narcotics for my bad days, i was completely non-functional.  i basically spent days lying in a hot bath, crying, alternating with crawling out of the bathtub to throw up from the pain.  what am i going to do?  i'm so scared to face it without the pills.  i will definitely miss work.  and with 6 work sick days, that means i'll use up all my days for a year in 3 months.  i know, i know, there's no way to take them for 2 days and stop.  i feel like that is not an option.  so what am i going to do?

feeling hopeless...

[vikegirl]

can you find out what the procedure is called?  because the only surgeries i know of would be laparoscopy, hysterectomy or implanting an IUD...

[lonote]

my daughter had a procedure I don't know what its called But I drove her to it the day she had it. She would have terrible periods and the procedure makes the periods go away. GONE , and DONE
I'd check into it.

[vikegirl]

that sounds like it could work but i'm scared of the pills.  i will get my period in a week and i have 32 pills.  i counted off the 25 pills for my period and put them in a separate bottle.  just LOOKING at 6 pills together, i'm yearning for that day.  i'm looking forward to the worst day of my period, knowing i will get to take those 6.  how can i combat wanting them that badly?  i'm afraid of getting through this next week and then going through those days, because even though i'll be in a lot of pain, i'll get to take all those pills.  how do you get that out of your head??? if it worked, i feel like every month would be building to that day where i could take 6 pills, and then feeling sad once it was over.  it's such an emotional rollercoaster i feel like it would still be running my life, even if it's in a less present way (as in, not making me stress about do i have enough pills to get through...however long...doctor visits, etc).  can an addict make it work?  just using "occasionally" even for legit reasons?  everything tells me the answer is no....

[tzt2lady]

During the time when you take them for your period, are there days that are worse than others?  Maybe the first couple are worse?   If so you could use them and taper off them midweek so that at the end of your time, you wont hae severe withdrawals.  
Gosh, this is a difficult one.   It is so hard when the pain is so severe like that.  I know with my back I tried so many non-narcotics, accupuncture, physical therapy (two rounds), etc etc.  Nothing worked like the vicodin.   My doc said, "Why not stick with what works for you".    
I mean if you take 5 or 6 a day on the worse two days of the month and then take 4, for a couple of days, then 3, 2,1.  That gets you through a week.  If someone were to dole out 25 pills for the entire week and not give you anymoe no matter what would that help?  

There is also the addiction forum you can go to by clicking at the top of this page (highlighted in blue) and just paste your post there, maybe someone who has had this pain could be of help.

I cant imagine pain that would make you vomit it is so bad, it must just be horrible hun!!!

[vikegirl]

and ps., yes, my case is the extreme end of the extreme cases.  *most* women with endo find relief with BC pills and NSAIDs.  

[vikegirl]

endometriosis is basically when the uterine lining migrates to other parts of the body and attaches itself to organs.  it still "thinks" it's uterine lining and so swells with blood and sheds it each month.  there are basically a few "agreed upon" treatments that deal with the problem instead of just treating the pain:  endometrial laparoscopy, lupron, having a baby, and birth control pills.  i had a laparoscopy (basically they stick a camera on a small tube in through your navel and cut out the extra lining where they see it) a few years ago and bled for more than a month and was in massive pain.  plus, once all that was over, it didn't really help.  lupron is a drug that basically kicks you into early menopause for 6 months, so you don't get your period but you also have menopausal symptoms, and it can affect fertility.  PLUS you can only do it for 6 months out of every year and a half, so it's pretty useless.  i've been on every birth control pill out there, and all but the nuvaring make me suicidally depressed and, according to boyfriends over the years, emotionally unstable and slightly psychotic.  nuvaring isn't doing a whole lot for the endo symptoms, but it beats nothing.  like a 9 from a 10.  which is something, don't get me wrong, but it's not enough.  as for having a baby, i am not at a place in my life right now where i think having a child is a good idea, and i certainly can't justify bringing a life into this world to treat a medical problem.   hysterectomy is also an "option" but not for me.  i want to have kids some day, and on top of that, some women still have endo symptoms after a hyst., and there's the whole early menopause thing too.

regarding symptom treatment, NSAIDs are supposed to be the way to go, but most of them don't do much for me.  again, like a half step down (so with the nuvaring, still at an 8 1/2 out of 10, 10 being where i want to go to the hospital and have them knock me out with painkillers, which i've had to do before when i couldn't stop throwing up from the pain).   i suppose other women deal with it in some of the aforementioned ways...or else they don't have a problem putting down the bottle of pills when their period is over.  pain management specialists generally recommend one of the above.  

so really, narcotics were a saving grace for me.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  my concerns about only taking them when i need them (like having someone dole them out to me appropriately) is having some kind of mini-relapse every month.  or rather, mini-detox.  i stopped once for 3 weeks, and when that time of the month rolled around again and i took them again, they hit me so hard, so good.  i tried to put them down but got the RLS, the aches, the intestinal badness.  and it just felt so good.  like things were back where i didn't feel this low level constant stress in the background of my every waking moment.  i don't know how i can do this.  please, someone, any advice is greatly, greatly appreciated.  i know there are people out there with worse pain who deal, i want to know how.

[tzt2lady]

Gosh hun, Ive never heard of someone being in sooo much pain from periods.   That just must be awful!   Talk to your dr. about alternative non-narcotic meds that could help you for this.   Try accupuncture or holistic methods.   Goodness.  It is always such a difficult thing for folks who have legit pain.   You are still young and need to function, I get that.   What is your prognosis?  Have you had children yet?   I am not that familiar with endometriosis, is it the uterus, ovaries, or both that is effected?   How do other women in your situation live with it?   Also, has your dr had you consult with a pain management specialist?
You have done great on your tapering schedule.   The only other thing I can think of is if you have a trusted friend or family member who would hold the pills for you and ONLY give you your recommended dose for when you need it each month.  
Keep your chin up hun, there just has to be a workable solution here.
tzt