25 year old little girl needs help growing up

[sarsasaurus]

A few years ago I met a charming fellow through a mutual friend. He was in quite a pickle - he left his job and moved across the country, things didn't work out so he returned 3 months later to find his girlfriend had married and he had no where to go. He lived with my friend for a year while he did a career changing internship. I was absolutely smitten with him as he had the suave social skills I so desire. After a short lived fling he realized what a clingy mental mess I am and became strictly platonic friends. After this rejection I just haven't been the same. I put my needs aside to please him hoping one day he'll change his mind. Years later I now see that due to the unfortunate situation he was in, he had no choice but to exploit my feelings to get what he needed and seeing my lack of boundaries he continues to do so. His internship eventually lead to a well paying job and he let me move in with him, probably because of the guilt he must feel. When things are good between us it's a joyful experience but when things are bad I have difficulty expressing myself to him. I just can't talk! I get frustrated to the point where my vision gets blurred and shaky so I lock myself in my room and cry. He wants to start dating other girls but it would be impossible with me living with him. I've been neglected and abused so I'm incapable of having long term relationships because of my mental disorders. I want him to be happy and live his life but I also don't want to move back in with my parents. How can I stop feeling like an awkward, unwanted failure everywhere I go? How can I stop feeling like a victim? How can a 25 year old odd little girl learn to be a well-balanced adult?

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

First off -- I want to take issue with your comment  "Years later I now see that due to the unfortunate situation he was in, he had no choice but to exploit my feelings to get what he needed and seeing my lack of boundaries he continues to do so."   I disagree with that statement -- of course he has a choice, no one is forcing him to exploit your feelings."  Some people would sense your vulnerability and want to protect you -- this guy does not.  With that aside, I think that the sentiment behind what the other member posted, regarding daily affirmations and some yoga gets to the heart of what your struggling with -- how little you value yourself.  You have pointed out that you have been abused and neglected, and no doubt that your evaluation of your self-worth stems from those experiences.  And I think that the place to start from is why you don't feel that you deserve better, and to begin to develop a feeling that you matter.  I think if you felt that way, you would figure out what to do about  this situation with this guy (which I think would be you'd find a way to leave).  I realize that you may think that it seems impossible to imagine that you could feel better about yourself than you do, but with help it is possible.

[brightyoungthing]

Maybe not the exact same situation, but good gracious. Preaching to the choir sister (24 year old naive thing still crying about how crappy life is). I am waiting for this answer.

Daily affirmations in the mirror are slowly working for me. "Strong, beautiful, confident." That and some yoga.