10 year old boy without friends

[linder45]

Still hoping for a response to our situation.  My 10 year old son is becoming more and more aware of the fact that he doesn't have any friends.  He so desperatley want's to have just one friend that will care about him.  When he's on the playground he tells me every day that he is all alone.  He's starting to think he is boring and that there's nothing special about him.  He says it's like he's invisable and nobody notices him.  I'm beginning to really worry for him.  He is a very kind boy who get's straight A's.  He never gets in trouble for misbehaving.  He always is respectful and follows rules.  He is shy to some extent however some of his lack of social skills have less to do with him than the circumstances.  For his entire life we have lived in a neighborhood without children.  So the only place for him to interact with other children would be at school.  He met someone that he started to become close to but that boy moved way.  Then we switched schools in 2nd grade because the school he was going down hill.  We thought we made the right decision in switching to a Catholic School.  What he is experiencing now is accurate.  The School is in a small neighborhood where 95 percent of the kids walk to school.  We drive our son to school.  Most of the moms dont work.  I work.  There is a strong social connection if you live in the neighborhood.  But if you dont live there you feel disconnected.  The biggest problem is the other children are not acknowledging him and it's compounding his fears of not having friends.  I am really worried that he is 10 going on eleven and has not had the experiance of knowing what its like to have a friendship.  Need help really bad.  I am loosing sleep,  

[RockRose]

linder,  I get the impression that he has never ever been socially connected - did you always work all his life?  So then did he just have a daycare where he was the only child?

Usually children have lots of preschool experience with Sunday school,  gymnastics,  extended family,  kids who are the parent's friend's kids - did he get any of that at all?

Is he in cub scouts now,  or Sunday School,  or soccer or chess club at school,  etc?

From your post it sounds like your family isn't socially connected - is that true?  If so,  you could make the effort to get to know families with kids,  or ask around for one or two quieter  boys in his school to come over for pizza.  

Kids who are socially well connected usually have parents who are also,  and they foster it and create the atmosphere for friendships.  

All is not lost.  You just need to make the effort if you haven't already.

[linder45]

That's the biggest problem I'm dealing with is that I have done all those things you mentioned.  For two years I have been reaching out to the community.  Birthday parties,  I had the moms of other boys over.  Many invites. Although many children have been to our home,  the parents don't recipricate.  It's as if they are oblivious and not sensitive to our situation.  They are not bad people,  however there is no effort on the Schools part to help the children who dont live in the neighborhood feel like you are a part of things.  My children are in scouts, but the majority of the boys got out because it was labeled as nerdy.  There has been an enormos effort for the boys at the school to be in sports.  That is not a bad thing at all, except when I put my twins in the sports program the same things happen.  The other kids all play amongst themselves and it's difficult for my kids to get the recognition they deserve.   They are being labeled as nerds.  I dont feel this is accurate.  We own our own business which has allowed us to not have to put out kids in daycare.  We are always there for them when they get home from school.  However they are with us and not other children.  Thanks for your response.

[sixstarrs]

if you are willing to pay for Catholic school (I'm CAtholic too so don't take this as a religious hit) maybe you should look into other options??  is the public school so awful that you cannot go there?  maybe a larger school would give him a chance to meet more kids like himself?  larger non religious school also offer more after school stuff that is athletic as well as academic.  maybe he needs to be in some clubs?  karate, chess, boy scouts, soccer, baseball, book club???  what's his thing?  find out and check out the new schools because even if it's "the best" academically it may not be the best for your son!!!

[camdyn]

Look for a local community center that has some classes he might like, chess club, gymnastics, any sport, even art classes. Something that will help him interact with kids his age.

[Ally777]

I completely understand, this sounds like my situation in a couple of years time.

We live around no other kids, there are a couple of kids a year older than my daughter two streets away, their parents are herion addicts, they have called for my daughter twice, the first time was to take her out of the garden to batter her aged 4.  Do I bite the bullet and let her play with these girl>??

The other mums at my daughters school are hard faced and have stirred trouble towards me which had a knock on effect to my daughter.

She has spent break times and lunch times alone this last fortnight, after her best friend moved school during the summer holidays.  She became close to a girl months after starting school last year, months being, she spent the initial 3/4 months of school alone too.  I am more annoyed with her mum, not letting us know she was moving schools, we got their telephone number and they got ours, but they never picked up and they never phoned.

My heart is breaking, my daughter too is very bright, polite and the youngest in her class, she was being excluded from group games and told that the games were for older kids and not her.  Now, she's not interested in making friends and prefers her own company.

I have in the past invited other kids over, spent money taking them out, but this is never reciprocated, further invites fall on deaf ears.  I am being advised within this forum to speak to a child physiologist,  is this what a 5 year old child needs to further finger point at them for being a social outcast through no fault of their own, I don't know...

[specialmom]

Hi,  I feel for you.  I worked for many years and then became a stay at home mom after having my children.  We moved to a neighborhood where we thought there were lots of kids and it turns out there aren't many, most are older and not so sweet to my two boys.  One of my kids has a minor delay and he has worked so hard on his social skills.  Well, I have had to work on mine too.  i joined some groups with other mothers of kids that were at my kids school (most schools have a group of some sort----  so do churches, etc.)  I made a real effort to get to know some other moms with kids----  I also talked and tried to be friendly with other moms of the kids in my kids classes.  From the effort of joining a mothers group, I now have friends.  These friends have kids.  We get together now.  Sometimes the playdates go okay, sometimes not.  But when you are friends with the mom, it matters less.

Is your daughter bothered by the lack of friends?  Some people are more solitary by nature and are perfectly fine with it.  I do think kids do need friends but some only need a best friend or two instead of tons.  What are her interests?  As the above poster said--- are there any things she would like to take a class in or do?  Sometimes finding one girl that is open is all it takes to encourage a friendship.  

Lastly, I'd talk to her about some social skill basics.  Make sure she is socially available to the other kids.  Good luck, I hate to think of your little girl sad.  

[Sunnytuna]

Have been in abosolutely same situations with my nine year old son.... My job forced me to move to a different town with terrible schools. Enter the private school and the cloistered, good quality neighborhood. Friends were a long, long time coming - it only finally happened because of activities outside the school - a city baseball league and a friendship with a co-worker of mine. My son still had long periods of lonliness and dependance on Mommy to entertain, as well as be his best friend. There was nothing spontaneous in his life and nothing that could be termed "kidstuff." It was exhausting for me (Mommy)! You aren't doing your son any favors keeping him at a private school for a few hours more a week of "quality education." Devote a few hours a week at home to the gaps in his education at the public school, or to do some volunteer work at the public school (it sounds like they desperately need your help). Let him be a happy fellow again. Once he's back in the public school, make an effort to invite, invite, invite..... until he's established a network of friends.

[Diva2317]

I know you probably don't want to do this again but you may want to think about switching schools again. Maybe even move somewhere that you know they have good schools.
It's definitely a good sign that he wants to have friends; but it doesn't seem like he is in a good environment to make any. It is normal for children in public schools to have parents who both work. He would be able to make friends more easily in a place where he falls in place with the social norms. Schools have a lot of pressure to be normal. For instance at one high school if you didn't wear Silver jeans you were shunned. You either get the jeans or have no friends. It seems dumb, but it's just how kids are.