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11 Year Old Afraid to Sleep Alone
My eleven year old son is afraid to sleep by himself. Up until last month he slept with us, his parents. Since school has started, we have him sleeping with his eight year old sister who is constantly complaining and not wanting him to sleep with her. He seems to have some fear about sleeping alone. We have tried nightlights, sleeping with the dog, etc. but nothing seems to work.
Also, he is always tired, he has indicated to us. We get him to bed by 9:00 p.m., with him falling asleep by 9:30 p.m. but he has to wake up by 6:30 p.m. We cannot seem to get him to bed any earlier.
However, our greatest problem is that he is extremely fearful of sleeping alone. What are your suggestions.
Also, do they make a children's sleep pill? He is restless throughout much of his sleep.
Thank you.
Also, he is always tired, he has indicated to us. We get him to bed by 9:00 p.m., with him falling asleep by 9:30 p.m. but he has to wake up by 6:30 p.m. We cannot seem to get him to bed any earlier.
However, our greatest problem is that he is extremely fearful of sleeping alone. What are your suggestions.
Also, do they make a children's sleep pill? He is restless throughout much of his sleep.
Thank you.
Wow this thread is old. But if you're coming across this, and this described your child perfectly, I thought I would share my experience, as a 15 year old girl who once had the same problem. When I was 11, I couldn't sleep alone. From the time I was little, I had the craziest fears. Emperor Zurg and Darth Vader, ghosts, break ins through my window, even though my room was on the second floor, bugs eating me in my sleep. Weird, weird, fears, except of course, for the common fear of ghosts. Now what it was for me, wasn't exactly my fears, but the warm body sleeping next to me that protected me from my fears. The fact that I could feel someone pressed up against me. My parents, especially my father were worried about this and asked me why I wasn't sleeping alone, and that I shouldn't be embarrassed by the answer. I told them everything, and they seemed to understand. So my mom went out and got me a turquoise body pillow from Marshall's. At first I thought this would never work. My mom said it didn't have to work right away. They were going to put me on a schedule. It started with every other night, I would sleep alone with my body pillow, and the other nights, they would lie down with me. At 9:00, one of my parents would read me stories, and then kiss me goodnight, but they wouldn't turn out the light.
At first, it was scary. Sometimes terrifying, if I started thinking too much. But I would muster up the courage and sleep alone with the light on. Sometimes, if it was especially frightening, I'd play Disney music, or Christmas music, to protect me, even if it kept me up a little later, but I associated it with humans being in my room to protect me, as well as happy memories. For every week, that I slept alone on the schedule, without running to fetch my parents in the middle of the night, My parents took me out for Dairy Queen, and I got to stay up 30 minutes later on weekends.
It took several months to get the hang of it, but soon, my parents put me on a weekly schedule. Once a week, they would lie down with me, and the other 6 nights, I would sleep alone. That was even more terrifying. I tossed and turned. It was really hard, but I eventually got the hang of it. And they rewarded me yet again. Plus, they let me have my first ever Slumber Party!
It kept going on like this, it went from weekly to bi monthly, from bi monthly to once a month. from once a month to once in two months, and then Soon, I was perfectly fine sleeping on my own.
Since then, my body pillow has gotten torn up and such. So I got a large stuffed panda to replace it. Sometimes, I think that's better, in that it's easier to cuddle and feels more life like.
So that's my story! We will soon be starting this with my 11 yr old little brother.
My advice for you is to at least try the same. And to not expect it to happen over night. It took me over a year and a half to start constantly sleeping alone.
Good luck! :)
At first, it was scary. Sometimes terrifying, if I started thinking too much. But I would muster up the courage and sleep alone with the light on. Sometimes, if it was especially frightening, I'd play Disney music, or Christmas music, to protect me, even if it kept me up a little later, but I associated it with humans being in my room to protect me, as well as happy memories. For every week, that I slept alone on the schedule, without running to fetch my parents in the middle of the night, My parents took me out for Dairy Queen, and I got to stay up 30 minutes later on weekends.
It took several months to get the hang of it, but soon, my parents put me on a weekly schedule. Once a week, they would lie down with me, and the other 6 nights, I would sleep alone. That was even more terrifying. I tossed and turned. It was really hard, but I eventually got the hang of it. And they rewarded me yet again. Plus, they let me have my first ever Slumber Party!
It kept going on like this, it went from weekly to bi monthly, from bi monthly to once a month. from once a month to once in two months, and then Soon, I was perfectly fine sleeping on my own.
Since then, my body pillow has gotten torn up and such. So I got a large stuffed panda to replace it. Sometimes, I think that's better, in that it's easier to cuddle and feels more life like.
So that's my story! We will soon be starting this with my 11 yr old little brother.
My advice for you is to at least try the same. And to not expect it to happen over night. It took me over a year and a half to start constantly sleeping alone.
Good luck! :)
Thank you for letting me know what was going on in your head and possibly my own son. You may have just made a big difference in his life and the life of others.
thank you for your post , you just described my 11 year old daughter , she is terrified to sleep on her own , said she sees shadows , i don't know what to do , can you help me please ?? x
My daughter slept with us or her younger brother most nights until she was about 13. Then she decided she wanted her own room and enjoyed making it her own. She had one or two nights when she popped in then after that has been absolutely fine. My son who had always slept well and is now 13 has now developed a fear of monsters. I know exactly why this is as he has a penchant for scary films and computer games - so I except the blame for allowing him too much exposure to such. We are now putting a ban on anything scary for a while and at the moment he sleeps with my husband and I have been sleeping in another room. We have just given his room a makeover with his direction so we plan to try him back in his own room shortly. He always has a nightlight and some music on. I believe that you should always do everything in your power to make your child feel secure and we had a hard time when my daughter was little having to go and lie with her until she went to sleep but I'm glad we did as I think she is growing up feeling secure and well adjusted. I like DrJustinAdams idea with the alarm.
Another suggestion I read was gradual withdrawal from the child's room. For example starting with sleeping in the bed together, then a mattress on the floor next to their bed for the parent, the gradually the mattress is moved a little bit further away until you are outside their room and eventually along the hall and back to your own room. Takes a lot of patience though and we were too lazy to do it we just got a really big bed for all of us!
Please, please never leave your child to suffer alone losing sleep, staying awake all night, sleeping in the kitchen, the bathroom etc. and sleep girl your mother is talking absolute ******** about spiritual wars at night. God loves you and always sends his angels to protect children. Try and talk to someone you trust outside of your mother's church to get a more balanced view. You are young and impressionable (not stupid) and your imagination can do all kinds of stuff if you are exposed to the wrong things.
Love to all of you who are dealing with these sleep problems. Take care of each other. Children are so precious.
Another suggestion I read was gradual withdrawal from the child's room. For example starting with sleeping in the bed together, then a mattress on the floor next to their bed for the parent, the gradually the mattress is moved a little bit further away until you are outside their room and eventually along the hall and back to your own room. Takes a lot of patience though and we were too lazy to do it we just got a really big bed for all of us!
Please, please never leave your child to suffer alone losing sleep, staying awake all night, sleeping in the kitchen, the bathroom etc. and sleep girl your mother is talking absolute ******** about spiritual wars at night. God loves you and always sends his angels to protect children. Try and talk to someone you trust outside of your mother's church to get a more balanced view. You are young and impressionable (not stupid) and your imagination can do all kinds of stuff if you are exposed to the wrong things.
Love to all of you who are dealing with these sleep problems. Take care of each other. Children are so precious.
I am a mental health social worker and I am working with a family with this same issue. The dynamics of the family are difficult to break through and the 12 year old sleeping with his grandmother seems to be just a symptom of everything else that has happened. There is a history of trauma but more than anything the grandmother is very co-dependent and tries to shield this child from everything in the world and this might sound bad but he is completely useless now. He can't do ANYTHING for himself, he can't even take shower alone, pick his own clothes, fix a snack. I am trying to address any barriers and the co-dependency with the grandmother but I also feel bad for her because she has already raised her children and now she has been raising her grandson who has a multitude of emotional and mental health challenges. I read a earlier post about how sleeping alone is something kind of new because back in the day people did not have space or could not afford to heat up a room. That's understandable but DSS also has rules about siblings sharing rooms and this would not be a DSS issue however, he is not learning to have ownership of his own body, his own space, to be independent and ultimately, grandma or anyone else cannot shield him from every single thing in the world. I just don't know how to get that through to her. He says he is scared of the dark and sometimes he says he's not scared, he just wants his grandmother to sleep with him. I don't know anymore. At first I felt that I just shouldn't push it too much, and just let it go but that combined with bathing him and everything else is undoubtedly creating an adult who will not have any skills to care for himself. I see a lot of posts from other 11,12 year olds I didn't really see many about methods used to break the cycle if anyone has resources or a success story/tips, please share!!
Hi,
I am a single father with an 11-y/o daughter. I have raised her from a baby as a single parent. I have always let her sleep in my bed on "special occasions" like birthdays, holiday eves (where we may fall asleep while watching a movie), Christmas etc....but have always encouraged her sleeping in her own bed as soon as she was old enough. Over the years she has gone through "spurts" of times where she is afraid to sleep alone. If she didn't start out in my bed (which I discouraged) she would often end up there by morning. I have not ever allowed a female companion to spend the night when my daughter was in the house, and her "spurts" of discomfort are unrelated to any relationship I may have. Honestly, I do not date very much or very often.
As she is getting older, she is becoming embarrassed by her "fright" of sleeping alone. I have done my own experiments, and she definitely is well rested and alert when I let her start off and sleep the entire night in my bed, even though her bedtime is 8:30 and she is sound asleep by the time I come to bed between 11 - 12. On other occassions, I have forbidden her to leave her room, on she is sometimes a wreck on the days following. I have gotten notes from school saying she sometimes appears distracted and unable to focus and I can correlate those to times when I insist she spend the entire night in her own room.
Again, this is not all the time, but appears to come "in waves" with no discernable predictors....and this has been the case since she was very young. It is becoming an issue now that she is getting older and is becoming embarrassed that she feels this way.
As a single parent (and a male raising a girl), I walk a fine line between parent, authoritarian, disciplinarian, guardian, friend, and confidant. I would like to be all of those. As far as female issues and puberty goes, she knows I am on OB/GYN physician and I started (age-appropriate) discussions with her early so that she would feel comfortable talking about things with me as she got older (don't know if this has worked but hopefully will make it less awkward for her). I have tried to set-aside a "time-out" time where she can be free to tell me anything without judgement or fear of repurcussion....I have also said that she can ask me anything and expect a truthful response. These have led to many good father-daughter conversations that are probably missing from many parent-child relationships, and I hope they continue truthfully as she gets older. However, during any of our talks, she cannot describe why she gets so uncomfortable at times sleeping alone.
She freaked out when I mentioned visiting a child-psychologist. I even assured her that the sessions would be confidential and I would never learn what she said if she didn't want me to know. She promised that that there was nothing she was hiding, she truly didn't know why she reacts like this from time-to-time, but would feel like a "freak" if she had to go talk to a psychologist.
Recently, we had about 4 months without any incidences, but then all of a sudden, she has flipped back into one of these spells. She is very embarrassed by this in the morning, but is in tears in the middle of the night.
So, I am trying the following (and I am not a behavioral psychologist). I have promised her that I would sleep with her, but she would have to remain in her bedroom. She will go to bed at her usual 8:30 bedtime, and that over-time I would decrease the amount of hours each night spent in her bed. It started with me going to bed in her room when I was ready to go to sleep between 11-12 (she is usually sound asleep). Over the course of a few weeks, I now set my alarm, and go to her room at 3AM. So far, there are good results....she has not shed any tears or appeared to have any sleep disturbances. She is aware that I will be setting my alarm later and later over then next few weeks, until eventually she will spend the entire night alone.
This is my solution and appears to (so far) be working. I would appreciate any thoughts that anyone has to offer!
-Thanks
I am a single father with an 11-y/o daughter. I have raised her from a baby as a single parent. I have always let her sleep in my bed on "special occasions" like birthdays, holiday eves (where we may fall asleep while watching a movie), Christmas etc....but have always encouraged her sleeping in her own bed as soon as she was old enough. Over the years she has gone through "spurts" of times where she is afraid to sleep alone. If she didn't start out in my bed (which I discouraged) she would often end up there by morning. I have not ever allowed a female companion to spend the night when my daughter was in the house, and her "spurts" of discomfort are unrelated to any relationship I may have. Honestly, I do not date very much or very often.
As she is getting older, she is becoming embarrassed by her "fright" of sleeping alone. I have done my own experiments, and she definitely is well rested and alert when I let her start off and sleep the entire night in my bed, even though her bedtime is 8:30 and she is sound asleep by the time I come to bed between 11 - 12. On other occassions, I have forbidden her to leave her room, on she is sometimes a wreck on the days following. I have gotten notes from school saying she sometimes appears distracted and unable to focus and I can correlate those to times when I insist she spend the entire night in her own room.
Again, this is not all the time, but appears to come "in waves" with no discernable predictors....and this has been the case since she was very young. It is becoming an issue now that she is getting older and is becoming embarrassed that she feels this way.
As a single parent (and a male raising a girl), I walk a fine line between parent, authoritarian, disciplinarian, guardian, friend, and confidant. I would like to be all of those. As far as female issues and puberty goes, she knows I am on OB/GYN physician and I started (age-appropriate) discussions with her early so that she would feel comfortable talking about things with me as she got older (don't know if this has worked but hopefully will make it less awkward for her). I have tried to set-aside a "time-out" time where she can be free to tell me anything without judgement or fear of repurcussion....I have also said that she can ask me anything and expect a truthful response. These have led to many good father-daughter conversations that are probably missing from many parent-child relationships, and I hope they continue truthfully as she gets older. However, during any of our talks, she cannot describe why she gets so uncomfortable at times sleeping alone.
She freaked out when I mentioned visiting a child-psychologist. I even assured her that the sessions would be confidential and I would never learn what she said if she didn't want me to know. She promised that that there was nothing she was hiding, she truly didn't know why she reacts like this from time-to-time, but would feel like a "freak" if she had to go talk to a psychologist.
Recently, we had about 4 months without any incidences, but then all of a sudden, she has flipped back into one of these spells. She is very embarrassed by this in the morning, but is in tears in the middle of the night.
So, I am trying the following (and I am not a behavioral psychologist). I have promised her that I would sleep with her, but she would have to remain in her bedroom. She will go to bed at her usual 8:30 bedtime, and that over-time I would decrease the amount of hours each night spent in her bed. It started with me going to bed in her room when I was ready to go to sleep between 11-12 (she is usually sound asleep). Over the course of a few weeks, I now set my alarm, and go to her room at 3AM. So far, there are good results....she has not shed any tears or appeared to have any sleep disturbances. She is aware that I will be setting my alarm later and later over then next few weeks, until eventually she will spend the entire night alone.
This is my solution and appears to (so far) be working. I would appreciate any thoughts that anyone has to offer!
-Thanks
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