My son is out of control

[Just a mom]

My 16 year old is out of control. Everyone on the outside sees a sweet and well behaved child.  He is nice to everyone, but his family.  He is happy only when he gets his way and then it's only for a short time. He is sometimes mean to his 12 year-old sister, who adores him. I believe it is my fault for pampering him, but now I have created a monster.  He yells, hits walls, threatens to run away.  I don't know what to do my husband says he gives up because I don't support his punishments.  The problem is my husband works nights.  Even though he is told not to go out during the week, he doesn't obey me and makes sure he is in before his father comes home.  If I try to tell his dad he says I'm a rat and that I start all the trouble.  He has no interest in school and is failing some of his subjects.  I ask to see homework and schoolwork - he says no most of the time.  I can go on and on.  I sit and cry most of the time, I don't know where to turn.  Can you give me some advise or tell me where to go? I don't believe he is using drugs.  His eyes are always clear and he seems alert; but then again, I thought I knew my son.  What do I do not to lose this child?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

From the sound of it (i.e., OK outside the home, but a terror within, particularly in his interactions with you) you have not asserted your authority over the years and now this is coming back to haunt you. In some jurisdictions, a parent can approach the local juvenile or district court and file a petition (often called CHINS - i.e., Child In Need of Services). Such a petition seeks the help of the court in enforcing the jurisdiction of parents, school, etc., and also in obtaining resources. You might investigate if this sort of help is available to you. It will not work to simply assert yourself now - you have no foundation on which to build. You will need help from outside the family. Also consider seeking the assistance of an adolescent specialist in the area of behavioral health.

[bcrfowler]

I am a mother of two grown girls, who both went through a bad teen time.  Now that it is over (and I'm glad it is).  My advice would be to do what the doctor has suggested.  But you also have to stop being his friend.  Don't "protect" him from his Dad.  He has to know he is making bad choices.  And by "covering" for him you are also making bad choices.  If he won't show you his homework CALL the school and talk to his teachers.  YOU have to take control.  They call it "tuff love".  It is so hard when you want to let your child make their own choices, but it sounds like he is making bad choices.  The kind that could get him in bigger trouble down the road.  They say nothing good happens after midnight.  Our town has a curfew 10 on the week, and 11 on the weekends.  You do have to give them space, but they can have the space and also have structure as well.  Good luck, my story took 5 years, with my one daughter ending up in the court system.  Don't believe he isn't taking or doing something wrong.