4 year old son's behavior

[SMA]

My son just turned 4 this week.  We have for the most part experienced the terrible 3's.  Over the past few months his behavior has consistently been that of constant whining, crying, hitting his 6 yr old sister and general defiancy and fits. My wife and I have tried different approaches from ignoring, holding, talking, reasoning (which is impossible, time-out (which he never stays in) to spanking (usually, one smack on the bottom). I have even used the ''pick your battles'' approach and given in to some things, because the peace is just so valuable. I know that is not the best approach. He is just so defiant and no form of discipline seems to phase him. If I telling him to stop, he simply says no or calls me a name. If I spank, he cries but doesn't seem to care. Lately, he constantly says his bottom hurts (and no its not because it just got spanked), or is arm, or foot or back and whines until we rub it.  He has been sick for the last couple months -mostly colds, borderline strep etc. I keep thinking its because he doesn't feel good, but over time that logic tends to go out the window. He does well in his preschool, and ok for babysitters (so they tell us).  My wife thinks it could be me, since he isn't quite so bad when I am not around. I try to give him lots of positive attention. Lately I have been at my wits end, and just can't mentally handle his outbursts and his behavior. When I walk away and his mom takes over he screams and kicks that he wants his daddy. It breaks my heart when he does this. (which happens only occasionally).  He is also very picky when it comes to his clothes,socks, underwear etc. He will have a meltdown at the drop of a hat if his coat doesn't fit just right, or if a piece of a toy falls apart. His patience level is very low and triggers meltdowns.  Then there are other times he is so sweet and loving.  My 6 year old daughter was no where close to exhibiting this kind of behavior so we have nothing to compare his to. She is even at a point of frustration at times and will go to her room to get away from his crying and whining.
I feel like I failed somewhere or haven't tried the right solution. Its hard to guage what is normal and what is not. Other parents have said once he hits 4 years old, he will be much better. Granted he just turned 4, so I am not expecting a miracle, but maybe some break in the action.
I know I have said a lot in this question but hope you will see some sort of pattern.
Thank you

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

If you have read this Forum before, nothing I say will come as a surprise. Such examples of pre-school behavior problems are not unusual. In fact, such questions are posed more than any others. On a positive note, you son behaves well outside the home and for non-family members. This is good news, because it tends to indicate that your son is not sick and likely does not display a biologically-based emotional disorder (though this can't be ruled out entirely). You have tried many sensible things to manage your son's behavior. What you need to do is settle on a systematic, unvarying approach, and one more than any others has withstood the test of time and has proven effective over and over again. First of all, when you issue a direction to your son, if he does not follow the direction the first time it is issued, repeat it only one time. If you have to repeat the direction, use this format: (Name), unless you ......, you are going to time out. As you can see, this is an ultimatum - he goes down one road or the other and you stick to the ultimatum. When you use time out, have him sit in an adult-size chair. Use a cooking timer to track the time out (5 minutes is sufficient). Start the timer only when he is seated and quiet. If he gets up, hold him in the chair. You are the adult and he needs to learn that when you say to sit in the chair he must do it. Don't surrender your authority by permitting him to defy you by not cooperating with the time out. When I hear parents remark that "time out doesn't work", I know it's a matter of how the technique is being implemented. The fault is not in the technique. You can make it work if you persist. As you can see, such a method is clear, straightforward, systematic. You and your wife can hang your hat on this technique throughout your son's childhood (of course the duration of the time out will change as he gets older). You won't have to approach behavior in an ad hoc fashion. Re: his tactile sensitivity, this may just be pre-school finicky behavior, or it mat represent a type of sensory integration problem. Discuss it with his pediatrician, and perhaps an evaluation by an occupational therapist is warranted.

[Gone mad]

I have been going thru the same issues with my daughter exept she hurts herself,or other people when she is in a rage,also loves to trash her room and break whatever is in sight. This is an everyday battle in my home,I eventually had to stop working to watch my daughter and make sure she doesn't get to out of control.{laugh}She see's a psychologist, and a nuerologist .
I too have tried everything to disipline her ,in a loving manner  but it is hard to disipline an angry child. Just know that you are not alone there are alot of parents out there that are going thru the same issues.Just try to remain calm,patient   .And always know your child loves you even though  they don't always show it.GOOD LUCK>

[tnlmac]

When I read your question, I felt like you were talking about my son. He is almost 4 and is ruling the house. I think my problem is inconsistency and a very smart little kid. When I ask him if he knows it drives mommy and daddy crazy when he whines, he replies by smiling and nodding his head. As of tonight IT IS GOING TO STOP!  I really like the ideas of the time out, but our son would actually push the chair down the hall or kick the fridge or whatever to get more attention. I just hope I don't go completely crazy trying to fix this problem. It's sad, but I wonder why I decided to have kids when he starts acting like that. UGGHH.
Signed frustrated, but determined.