3-4 year old Control Problem

[Paige Wright]

Please Help!
My son is 3 years old (will be 4 in 3 months). He has been stubborn since birth. The prblem is that he wants to assert his will and control on me and his father and everyone around him. For instance, when I tell him it is time for lunch he replies "No Lunch" or bath time the response is "No need to take a bath".
I know three year olds are difficult but this goes beyond anything I have ever experienced. Every response he gives begins with " No need to....". He is unlike any other child I have known.
We use time outs in the corner to disipline him and when he is really defiant a spanking. When in the corner he yells "Let me out" and refuses to be quiet. I am also concerned about his social skills. He doesn't want to play with other children and ignores tham if they try to play with him. Help! Iam really worried he has some kind of behavior disorder.

[Coreen]

Hi Paige,  I agree with the Doctor's advice,  and would like to add to it if I may.  I am a Child & Youth care worker from Ontario and have had a lot of experience working with children at all ages.  My area of specialty is with behaviourally difficult children.  The idea of a time out for small children is a good one as it helps them to integrate a cause and effect relationship directly related to their behaviour. It can only be ultimately effective though when it is used as a teaching/learning tool.  When time outs are consistent for undesirable behaviour,  children can learn what is expected of them and begin anticipate what behaviours will lead to a time out.  This can take time.  An effective step for better time outs is to intervene earlier.  There is a time-out program called 1-2-3 Magic which is wonderful. All behaviours that culminate in a time out have antecedents or steps that come before it.  Child and Youth workers call them the A-B-C's ANTECEDENT_BEHAVIOUR_CAUSE. The basics of it are that when we first observe the child engaging in behaviours which will lead to a time out (ie. not listening, rude) You say "that's one",  and explain or label what they are doing.  If they continue......."that's two",  up to three.  Then ask the child to take a time out.  In the beginning the child might only get to "one" before they need a time out. With consistency:  all adults regardless of relationship to the child, timing him out for the same behaviours every time they happen, in the same way (a very tall order I know) the child will learn how to become self regulating.  Time outs need to teach acceptable behaviour as well as unacceptable behaviour.  The time out should be about 1 minute for a small child,  and a timer should be set only when they are quiet and ready to start.  You say that he yells on time outs; perhaps when he is in a good mood you can initiate little games like "practicing being quiet" and then praising him for how well he does.  When he is on time out remind him how good he is at being quiet,  or when he is quiet for a couple of seconds while on t/o say things such as "I like the way you are being quiet".  As a final step to time out I like to talk with kids once they are calm.  This is where I process what happened.  I ask them if they know why they were asked to take a time-out,  how they were feeling before the time out etc. whatever I think is appropriate for the age of the child and thier capacity to have insight into feelings etc. Role play is good and brings games like "practice" into play.  Kids will learn and use new skills that they have fun with. I know that parenting a difficult child is a challenge,  and I hope that this advice is useful to you and your husband. It is important that we don't leave kids to guess about what is appropriate behaviour.  It makes it difficult for them to have control over; and the skills to negotiate their environment.  It often results in them controlling it through the only way they know how,  defiance,  tantrums,  etc.
Best of luck : )

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Ms. Wright,

Your son is certainly at the extreme end of the spectrum in relation to oppositional bevior. It sounds like he's been this way from the start - i.e., he came into the world with an oppositional temperament.

The keys in parenting such children are to maintain your own equanimity, refrain from engaging in struggles, allow rules (not anger) to dictate punishment, and make it in your child's best interest to do what you want him to do.

Relative to time out, I'd suggest one modification. Use a timer to track the time out period, and start the timer only when your son is quiet.

If you use the SEARCH function in this Forum, you can check some other replies regarding how to manage oppositional and defiant behavior. Type in words such as oppositional, defiant, time out.

Your son is now at an age when it is important to at least learn how to be in the company of other children and play alongside them. If you're able to, enroll him in a pre-school program at least several days each week - this will provide him with many opportunities to learn cooperative social interaction.