4 1/2 year old daughter hits, scratches and pulls her mother's hair!

[kathleenmboyd]

I need help with my 4 1/2 year old daughter.  I keep waiting for her to grow out of her "oppositional defiant behavior" but it is taking way too long and I think there is something wrong with her.  She scratches my arms when I put her in time out.  She pulls my hair, which is a new thing and she throws anything in sight that she can get her hands on.  Now she is threatening to mark up the tables or destroy the house if she does not get her way.  I have taken her to several psychologist and therapists but they don't seem to think anything is wrong with her!  She does not respond to spanking.  If I put her in her room for time out she screams at the top of her lungs, throws things at the door and goes into fits of rage.  She screams that she is going to throw up, which she never does.  I have tried the 123 method.  I am beginning to think I don't like her and it scares me to death.  I try to be very patient with her in explaining why she gets in trouble and she just covers her ears and literally snarles at me like a dog.  It sounds amusing but not when is constantly testing her limits.  She is generally a moody child and always has been.  I feel so completely helpless.  I have 2 younger children and they could not be any more opposite of her.  They are pleasant to be around and you can joke them out of bad moods.  Please help me.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You are correct in saying that I point to the SOS book quite often, and that is because many of the questions posed here  have to do with behavior management. There are tried and true methods of behavior management, techniques that work. Perhaps if you follow the guidelines in Dr. Clark's book you will find some success. You are correct in thinking that the problem lies with you, not with your daughter.  (as evidenced by the fact that she does as well as she does in school). She will change if you change. You are on the right track with your own suggestion.

[kathleenmboyd]

Thank you so much for your response!  Yes, she is in preschool and does not have any problems.  In fact, she does very well there.  She tends to gravitate towards one little boy whom is very active and does not stray too much from him.  I cannot tell you how many times I have considered call the Super Nanny!  I just don't want my personal life to be displayed on tv!  However, I think that is going to be the best course of action, to have somebody observe her in a natural setting.  The issue may not lye with my daughter??  Maybe it is the way I react to her and my personality that makes her act out so terribly?  I have mulled over this for too long and I am afraid I am going to grow older and not have a good relationship with her.  I don't want this time in our lives to set the tone for the rest of our lives.

Thank you so much, again, for your response!  It was much more helpful and comforting than the "Doctor's".  That SOS book seems to be the golden ticket for his responses and carry as much weight as the Bible!  I gratefully welcome any suggestions or comments YOU may have!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Follow the behavior management guidelines in Lynn Clark's book SOS Help for Parents, and also arrange an appointment with a child psychiatrist. This situation appears to be beyond the normal spectrum of childhood behavioral problem.

[ABCn123]

I admire you tenacity and consistency. She has to know that she is not in control. However, it does sound as if you (she actually) need more help. I think you have seen the wrong therapists. I can't believe they could hear all of this and not offer suggestions. I am so sorry. I wish I had an answer for you. I would definitely seek out another child therapist. I know you have to be emotionally exhausted, but keep it up. I would put her in time out in a spot where you can see her instead of in her room. If she gets up, physically (but gently of course) put her back, until she has served her time and can tell you what she did wrong and apologize. It may take dozens of attempts. Don't yell and ignore the snarling etc. This probably sounds stupid, but have you seen the Super Nanny do it? I teach kindergarten, and I use this method at school. It usually breaks them in short order. Is she in school yet, and does she have this problem there?