4 Year Old Anger Problems

[tiredmomof2]

My son is almost 4 1/2.  He is an intelligent, articulate delightful child about 75% of the time.  He does well in preschool (no discipline problems) and also in his activities (karate and gym classes).  We are having a problem with his frustration and anger.  He seems to have a very short fuse and can be quite moody at times.  When he becomes angry, he becomes destructive.  He rarely hits me, but he will clear off a table, intentional spill things on the floor, and hurl things across rhe room.  I discipline him with time outs and removing privileges and toys.  When I take away toys, he has to earn them back with good behavior.  (And yes, I have resorted to a spanking when things get really out of control).  A common scenario (about once a week) is a "snowball effect" with his anger.  For example, I will be in the middle of putting him in time out and he throws a hot wheel that he had been playing with at me as I am putting him in time out.  Once timeout is over and he is looking for his hot wheel, I will explain to him that the toy has been put away because he threw it at me.  He then will become angrier and quite destructive.  These episodes are very troubling to me.  During these episodes, he has broken things, put a hole in the wall (slammed the door into it and the door stopper was gone), cleared off tables and urinated on the floor.  He does urinate on the floor occasionaly when he becomes very angry with me, sometimes because he did not get his way.  He is aggressive with his little sister when he becomes angry, but not with other children.  I have tried to be as consistent as possible with discipline (but I know that I am not 100% consistent).  He and his sister do fight over my attention fairly often.  He is a much easier child one on one without his sister around.  I do not think he as ADD.  He has no problem focusing on a task or sitting through a movie.  His preschool teacher told me she does not see any signs of ADD.  He does require a lot of love, huggs and reassurance from me.   I am very good at pointing out and praising him all the times he plays great with his sister or behaves.  I think he knows what behavior I expect out of him.  I do have a friend of a friend, a physician, who says his behavior is not normal and he needs to see a psychologist. (She has never met my child).  What do you think?  Is this normal 4 year old behavior?

[stressedandsad]

I am going thought simplar situations as posed above. My daughter is 3 1/2 and is on the virge of being thrown out of school. I have been to the pediatrician and she recommended that I take her to see a behavoir specialist and be evaluated for ODD and ADHD. I went to see one and he said that she is too young to be evaluated and that he will develop a behavoir modification plan. I am just sooooo overwhelmed b/c I keep getting told different things and I just want my baby to be happy and healthy and enjoy school. i am now going to take her to get a second opinion at another therapist. The last thing that I want her on is meds but I just have to figure out what is going on. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks. I

[bruised]

I'm no expert, but it sounds as though you're not getting very much (if any) back-up with estalishing clear boudries for your little boy. Maybe you could sit down with your family (without your little boy around) and explain your worries to them in a way that they cannot brush off with 'oh his dad was the same..'  Ask them to try it your way for a certain period of time and see if there is a difference. We found that giving our son clear boundaries (and ignoring bad behaviour/taking away priveliges if it continued etc) became very effective, especially when we asked our family to back us up and conform to our way of doing things. My husband was just the same...he only sees him for a short time on week nights and was loathe to discipline him as he wanted a nice time with his son....he soon came around to my way of thinking after i asked him to try it my way for 4 weeks..there was a big difference. Let your husband know that, rather than being mean, he is actually making your child feel more secure, kind of like the brakes in a car...if you havn't got them, you feel more and more out of control!
I have to say that we have been alot luckier than most of the people on this site...most of our problems were of an emotional nature and we are working our way through them. (The psychologists appt was cancelled after we felt we were making progress...but is still in my address book!) So, the above advice is not written in stone...no guarantees.
Hope everyone out there is coping as well as they can, my heart goes out to you all.
xx

[tracy3]

Hi-I just discovered this forum and what a relief to see that i'm not the only one with a "difficult" child. My son is 3 1/2 and has been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. Does anyone else have experience with this? I would love to hear from you if you do. THe symptoms include: problems with social interaction, limited area of interest(may be intensely interested in one or two things), repeats words or phrases and other social issues. My concern however is his temper and "fits of rage" if you will. It takes nothing to set him off. He will even take out his hitting, pushing, or screaming on complete strangers. I feel like he is a bomb just waiting to explode at any time. HIs behavior is worse when he's with his 5 yr old sister, fighting for my attention, over toys etc. I've even found myself not visiting friends or family because of his behavior. He's loud, up in people's faces wanting their attention and if they don't respond or talk to him he immediately starts screaming or hitting them. It makes me feel like a bad parent. I'm just wondering if anyone else with a child that has Aspergers also has a problem with the anger.
Thanks

[double T mom]

This is not really a comment but more of a cry for help.  My son who will be five soon, seems to me to be out of control.  He is for the most part an excellent child.  My concerns are this:  he does not want to listen unless a threat is involved, I usually have to count to three or get up, then I here "sorry mom" because he knows this usually means a smack on the butt.  But 2 minutes later it's the same thing again.  He likes to use unpleasent words such as"your a butt crack", "your a dumb hole",and it seems like everything he doesn't agee with is stupid.  A few times I have had to put a bar of soap in his mouth.  I know this sounds mean and I do feel mean, but nothing seems to work. His Dad seems to have a problem disaplining him, everything seems to be funny, it's almost like dad lets him do everything so he doesn't have to disapline him, he also says he feels bad when he does.  He is very emotional and gets his feeling hurt easy.  He seems to get angry fast but does't display violence, he just stomps around and uses his unplesent words.  He usually gets like this when he can't have something, mostly food.  He is not fat or overweight, I think he is very high energy, he hardly ever slows down.  I really doubt he has anytype of disorder.  He  also likes to play ruff with Dad and Grandpa, jumping, hitting, kicking, they think it is funny until the don't want to do it anymore. Grandpa tells me this is normal that's how Dad was, and that kids like to push their mothers to the limit.  When he went to daycare, he was very good he did not display the behavior. He seems to be the worst when there is more than 1 person around that he is comfortable with. Even though I have probably made him and myself sound horrable, I watch those super nanny shows and he seems to be very good compared to some of those children.  Any suggestions?

[double T mom]

This is not really a comment but more of a cry for help.  My son who will be five soon, seems to me to be out of control.  He is for the most part an excellent child.  My concerns are this:  he does not want to listen unless a threat is involved, I usually have to count to three or get up, then I here "sorry mom" because he knows this usually means a smack on the butt.  But 2 minutes later it's the same thing again.  He likes to use unpleasent words such as"your a butt crack", "your a dumb hole",and it seems like everything he doesn't agee with is stupid.  A few times I have had to put a bar of soap in his mouth.  I know this sounds mean and I do feel mean, but nothing seems to work. His Dad seems to have a problem disaplining him, everything seems to be funny, it's almost like dad lets him do everything so he doesn't have to disapline him, he also says he feels bad when he does.  He is very emotional and gets his feeling hurt easy.  He seems to get angry fast but does't display violence, he just stomps around and uses his unplesent words.  He usually gets like this when he can't have something, mostly food.  He is not fat or overweight, I think he is very high energy, he hardly ever slows down.  I really doubt he has anytype of disorder.  He  also likes to play ruff with Dad and Grandpa, jumping, hitting, kicking, they think it is funny until the don't want to do it anymore. Grandpa tells me this is normal that's how Dad was, and that kids like to push their mothers to the limit.  When he went to daycare, he was very good he did not display the behavior. He seems to be the worst when there is more than 1 person around that he is comfortable with. Even though I have probably made him and myself sound horrable, I watch those super nanny shows and he seems to be very good compared to some of those children.  Any suggestions?

[sadheart]

I am almost in tears as I read these blogs.  I have a 4 year old daughter who is on the verge of being expelled from daycare.  She has these fits of rage where she will throw chairs or kick people- even her teacher.  She is extremely bright and in relation to her class she is at the top but she cannot control her anger.  She has an almost 3 year old brother that she will play with and then smack him in the face or bite him.  She realizes that her behavior is wrong but she continues to do this despite her punishments of timeouts, going to bed early, no candy or dessert, and yes even spankings.  Nothing works.  I want to have her evaluated by a professional but I do not know where to start.  Would I explain her behavior to her pediatrician or would I try going directly to a child psychologist?  She can be the most sweet, loving child and I only want to help her but I don't want her on medication.  My husband and I are evaluating her diet and we are going to remove all sugar from it.  I hope we will see some improvement by doing this.  We are just at our wits end and I am very sad and tired that I just want to cry for her.  I want her to be a successful child and adult.  I know she needs help but I need to know where to start...