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6 year old daughter confesses everything
My wife and I have a 6 year old daughter and last week she began crying on the way to school and confessing to my wife everything under the sun, such as "the teacher told us to write our name then date but I wrote the date first, I was talking at lunch when I wasn't supposed to" and so on. She never gets in trouble at school, during the resent parent teacher conference her good behavior was highlighted as a strength. But everyday it is the same thing crying while going to school and confessing all night long. We have tried explaining to her that it is good to tell us about things that she thinks is bad but she needs to let stuff go and not linger on small infractions that no one would have known about if she didn't confess. I am in the military and currently deployed I am about half way through this 6 month rotation and believe that this could be a factor in her newly found guilt. What should we do?
Also - do you feel guilty that you aren't home? You are asking if she might feel guilty. Well, it can rub off. You both need to talk to each other. Openly. Don't go the diagnosis route, the therapist route - I mean, that's extreme. She sounds anxious. Are you? Mediation is excellent. Are you present? When you are there, is your mind there? In the moment? Or are you somewhere else? Is she trying to get your attention? Do you give her praise? Genuine praise and respect? It's all crucial to the health of a human being. Any of us. 6 is an important developmental age. You must learn how to do this and not pass it off to a therapist. Get a therapist for yourself.
Also - you just said something very important: you said that you are wondering if that is why she feels the way she does - you being on tour. Have you asked her? Ask her! Open communication and expressing feelings are very important life skills to have. You must do this. Don't ask us. Ask her. Show her you value her intelligence and the ability to work through a problem.
Definitely don't tell her what she needs to do. You don't even know why she is doing what she is doing. Seek understanding first. Always. Ask questions. Don't dictate or invalidate. She isn't telling you for your benefit. And she doesn't need you to tell her to just let it go. That doesn't help. That's not teaching, that's telling. That's ordering. A 6 year old doesn't know how to do that. Get on her level. And if you can't, learn some childhood psychology. Read books.
Also - what is your parenting style like? She seems very insecure. Are you doing things to build her confidence? Are you letting her explore her environment? Or does she live in a shaming and controlling environment? This is where parenting comes in. You have to be good at this part. This is the part.
Ask her questions. Ask her about her feelings. Just listen. SHOW EMPATHY. The child is only wanting someone to share with. If and until you relate and actually respond in a way that is friendly and supportive, then they will just keep going. If they do, then it is okay to ask them why they want to tell you everything. Ask them if they don't feel like they are getting enough time. Ask them if they feel anxious. TEACH THEM coping skills. Is she anxious? Teach her meditation. Breathing techniques. Distraction techniques. You do not want to set her up for failure by relying on external validation or reassurance or whatever it is she is doing. So, #1 ask her and listen #2 teach her how to handle it.
Don't just nod your head or tell her how she should feel or tell her what to do. That's not your job. Your job is to empower and teach.
Don't just nod your head or tell her how she should feel or tell her what to do. That's not your job. Your job is to empower and teach.
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I'm a nanny, by the way. I'm good at what I do.
As a EYE, i would be horrified if a child followed my instructions at the detriment of her mental health. She is very well behaved but to become unique creative individuals we are we have to break away from the mould sometimes. The school system is one of control and being controlled in such a way gave my own daughter anxiety, that was displayed by 'bad behaviour'. I try and teach my pupils that its ok to say no , or to brake a rule or even to disagree with my explanation of a topic- this makes them thieve in later life and not become a 'sheep' or be put in situations where others in higher power can take advantage. We should not be teaching them to nob their head and regurgitate 'facts' because they can pass an exam. Exams are an awful measure of ones intelligence anyway. The worries your daughter has are not anything she has done immoral or illegal- they are simply rules the school as in pace to make it easier to control a large group of children. Try to teach her to follow her own moral rules and have her own moral compass on what determines 'good' or 'bad' actions. The fact she spoke at lunchtime will not negatively impact her later life. But the fact she had the guts to finish her conversation will leave her in good stead when but up against negative figures throughout her life.
Its ok to tell her that the school rules are silly- actually teachers like someone the steps out of the mould an challenge them daily. Impart your own family and community morals and values on her and she can make decisions in the confidence that she will have your support whatever her behaviour.
However she is very young- (to young to school in my opinion) you need to speak to her teacher about her anxiety and how its effect her perception of the school environment. Teachers should only be offering incentives like positive reinforcement to a child of that age....what 'punishments' have been suggested - or stern words said to your child for her to be so worried about disobeying them??? no child should be getting told off for being 'naughty' as no child is naughty. their behaviour is just a reaction to something in physical reality or internal.
Ask for theraplay sessions - which is fun, safe and child led (all schools should have this service on offer ---if they don't you are being failed) Ask if their emphasis is on academics or creativity, happiness and thieving emotionally. NO CHILD SCHOULD FEEL THIS WAY. if it dosent improve i would be tempted to remove her for the situation. good mental heath if paramount for future success and takes president over academia.
Ask to observe a lesson or help out at lunchtime. You never know there could be a old-school dinner lady barking orders at them. Leaving them scared to say boo to a goose and anxious. Ask to speak to your local CAMs team and get this sorted before she has memories of distress of school that will effect her in her teenage years.
Also honestly is soooooooo common for children to feel like this at school-- do not worry-----there is nothing wrong with your child, only wrong with society. Everyones unique and if shes having thoughts and emotions that are not neurotypical, that makes her diverse which is fantastic if accommodated for by the school and yourselves. Many educational theorists have said for generations the negative impact of schooling on our children---Maybe look at a reggio emilia or steiner school approach may suit your child better.
If you want your child to be confident in what she believes, morals and have a good understanding or the world around her - try looking at Global Citizenship education activities on UNESCO website under GCE--- gave my D a real grounding and confidence in her classroom and how she relates to the wider world.
Just remember your child doesn't need to change- the school need to change to make her happy !!
Its ok to tell her that the school rules are silly- actually teachers like someone the steps out of the mould an challenge them daily. Impart your own family and community morals and values on her and she can make decisions in the confidence that she will have your support whatever her behaviour.
However she is very young- (to young to school in my opinion) you need to speak to her teacher about her anxiety and how its effect her perception of the school environment. Teachers should only be offering incentives like positive reinforcement to a child of that age....what 'punishments' have been suggested - or stern words said to your child for her to be so worried about disobeying them??? no child should be getting told off for being 'naughty' as no child is naughty. their behaviour is just a reaction to something in physical reality or internal.
Ask for theraplay sessions - which is fun, safe and child led (all schools should have this service on offer ---if they don't you are being failed) Ask if their emphasis is on academics or creativity, happiness and thieving emotionally. NO CHILD SCHOULD FEEL THIS WAY. if it dosent improve i would be tempted to remove her for the situation. good mental heath if paramount for future success and takes president over academia.
Ask to observe a lesson or help out at lunchtime. You never know there could be a old-school dinner lady barking orders at them. Leaving them scared to say boo to a goose and anxious. Ask to speak to your local CAMs team and get this sorted before she has memories of distress of school that will effect her in her teenage years.
Also honestly is soooooooo common for children to feel like this at school-- do not worry-----there is nothing wrong with your child, only wrong with society. Everyones unique and if shes having thoughts and emotions that are not neurotypical, that makes her diverse which is fantastic if accommodated for by the school and yourselves. Many educational theorists have said for generations the negative impact of schooling on our children---Maybe look at a reggio emilia or steiner school approach may suit your child better.
If you want your child to be confident in what she believes, morals and have a good understanding or the world around her - try looking at Global Citizenship education activities on UNESCO website under GCE--- gave my D a real grounding and confidence in her classroom and how she relates to the wider world.
Just remember your child doesn't need to change- the school need to change to make her happy !!
OMG...what horrible memories this brought back. My daughter started at age 4. Confessing EVERYTHING. Like....I broke my pencil lead at school today on purpose. Knowing she was confessing, I would ALWAYS say, oh thats ok. Then she would say....twice. Again, I would simply say thats ok. She had to confess even though she always knew my response was thats ok. She was diagnosed w/ OCD at 10 so it was 6 yrs of hell. She would call me every single day at 3pm after school. My close co workers and I called it the 3oclock confession. Meds cured her completely and she got off them at 17 and has been fine ever since. I feel your pain. Good luck.
There is definitely help out there.
There is definitely help out there.
This is classic OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) beginning to manifest itself at an early age. When I started going through this in puberty my parents were clueless - I never heard the word "OCD" till I was a lot older and then I realized what it was that I had been suffering from. I wasted a lot of my teenage life in excessive worrying and confessing to my mother about ridiculous stuff. My wife had it too. Now my son started at age 4 to have the same issues. I'm pretty sure it is genetic and runs in families. We got him help straight away. Get your child a psychiatrist as soon as possible. There are medicines and counseling which can mitigate this problem and make it go away or at least reduce it to a manageable level.
I would agree. I was molested at 3 by a cousin and immediately my anxiety issues which later became full blown ocd started to happen. PTSD of sorts. Tell her that no matter what happened do not be afraid to tell you exactly what it is and that you will never be upset with her. Because if something did happen it is not her fault and you will take care of it. My anxiety issues started with my obsessing swallowing and I couldn't do it without water at age of 3. Then I went into depression as early back as 5 years old. I believe the assault only happened once; however, it puts profound guilt and this age on a child and they will carry forever unless they therapy. It is the most difficult thing for a parent to come to grips with that their child may have been assaulted, and it makes YOU feel terrible. But just imagine how this MAKES HER FEEL. She cannot even understand it nor know that it was not her fault or that she did something wrong. All positive energy and Peace and Healing to your daughter - my love to you all.
PANDAS is short for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections. The symptoms are usually dramatic, happen “overnight and out of the blue,” and can include obsessions, and/or compulsions. Children may also become moody or irritable, experience anxiety attacks, or show concerns about separating from parents or loved ones.
I'm not sure if this issue resolved or not but it sounds to me like your daughter might have PANDAS - pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorder associated with streptococcus (or called PANS now because they found associations with other infections too). Our son has it. Please research it. It is a neurological disorder that basically causes a hyperactive immune response which causes OCD. It can be treated! Please, please research it online. Good luck and God Bless!
first of all, shes only 6... I was a stepmother for over 21yrs before I divorced her dad. Its a thankless job, theres no doubt about it. You are loving someone elses child, unconditionally and in my case anyways, she acted one way with me and completely different with her dad and his side of the family. She made me look as if I was crazy. When I first met her, I was the best thing since apple pie, but when she realized I wasnt going anywhere, my shiny tarnish started wearing off... You have to remember though, she is only 6 and they do things to get your attention. It seems like she has an honest love for you the way you have told your stories about her and her mother, although you should never let her talk poorly about a parent, especially the one not living there with you (mom). It just causes problems down the road between everyone and it will hurt your relationship with her later on when she does smarten up and learns to think for herself and develops a relationship with her mom. Girls are tough, I have two boys and a girl and my boys were so easy to raise and Im not sure if it was because my daughter was only 6-7 when she found out about her dad being unfaithful and used her to see the other woman but its changed her incredibly. Shes disrespectful and rude and you would think it would be geared towards her dad but its not, its towards me and my mom. She also just turned 17, so we both know how hard it is being a teenage girl... I wish I could say it will get easier but I dont know your girls personality and I will say some of my friends do have lovely girls and Im extremely jealous but their living situation is completely different also. Just be supportive of her, dont give up and please dont take anything out on a 6yr old. Trust me it will strain your relationship with your boyfriend and any other family members he may have nearby, trust me on that! Talk to her one on one and ask her why she did what she did, tell her you arent angry for giving it to her GG and youd just wished shed told her that from the beginning so the two of you hadnt wasted so much time looking for it. If she wanted to go on an adventure together, you could find another way to have fun! I wish you all the luck and have fun with her, they do grow up amazingly fast. Thats something I lever took true to heart and now my youngest son just turned 22 a few days ago and my girl 17, 9 days before that. Id kill for all of them to be little again....
It sounds to me like she has some paranoia. I went through about three or four years of this as a kid. Every single day I was paranoid about everything. Literally. It caused a lot of stress and family problems. Later was diagnosed with OCD and bipolar disorder so I would get a mental health assessment asap so she doesn't suffer.
She seems like she is very paranoid I see you have tried to sit down and talk to her, but if things do not start to clear up you could schedule an appointment with a school counselor or even a professional counselor for her. Second there might be a bigger problem that she might be scared or afraid to tell you.
Similar thing happened to me. It wasnt a deployment, but I had cancer from age 4-9 and was always missing a lot of school due to illness and treatment. I remember in 1st grade I was so afraid of asking my teacher a question, I didnt even ask to go to the bathroom and I wet myself. Stress from cancer, bullying because I was balf, my dad was between jobs and my mother was constantly in and out of the hospital from type 1/childhood diabetes - they may be adult problems but children understand more than we think. They, and many adults, struggle with the stress. I agree making a strong relationship with the teacher and school so they understand the situation. But I most certainly think a councilor will help at lest set a good foundation to help her understand what shes dealing with... Best of luck to you and your family and thank you for your service!
I did something similar when I was a child. I learned what Hell was in church, and I was afraid if I didn't confess everything I would go to Hell. It was a real fear for a long time. I felt damned. As a child, that is very traumatic.
For me this happened a little later in life. Late elementary school early middle school? I cried every night and felt so much pent up guilt for little things. They would stew in my head, I dreaded bedtime because I knew I'd need to spill all these worked up things in my head to my mom when she said goodnight otherwise I'd feel worse and cry all night until I told her. At one point I challenged myself because I didn't know why it was happening. I know now that it was anxiety attacks, and am on medication for it.
Wow I was looking up symptoms my cat is experiencing and this was right under it. I experienced this at the age of 9 and I never knew anyone else had experienced that same thing. I didn't even know what it was, but looking back I understand what was going on with me! I like most said would feel so guilty and have to confess everything to my mom. I didn't want to, but I'd cry all day long while alone and I'd have a need to confess things. I'd sit and think all day how I was gonna say it and I just felt very guilty and weird inside until I let the confession out. I wasn't doing anything wrong, it was really little dumb things. Looking back I realize I worried a lot about things and i grew up in a stressful chaotic household. I was very mature for my age and I think I was experiencing emotions that people don't usually experience until they can make sense of them. I'm now 23 almost 24 years old and I do struggle with anxiety and depression. It's not everyday, but I do experience it and I turn to meditation and healthy coping skills to ease my mind. The "guilty phase" I went through when I was 9 went away naturally with time. I also felt a little weird inside probably until 13-14 but not everyday. My advice would to just be comforting and to let your child know everything is gonna be okay and practice some breathing techniques. It sounds stupid, but at 13-14 I would have serious panic attacks out of no where, and I'd feel like I couldn't finish my breath and I didn't know what was happening to try and practice breathing techniques. much love and I hope I helped. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who experienced this.
I am a kindergarten teacher and have seen this happen with children which the family is going through some kind of difficult time. Such as a divorce, death in the family or a deployment. Separation anxiety can look like different things to different children and families. As a teacher, I keep close communication with the family and make sure the child feels safe at school, especially safe to make mistakes. I usually recommend that that family seek outside help if the problem doesnt subside, such as family counseling or a church pastor or leader. Create a good relationship with your daughters teacher. My heart goes out to you and your family. My son has Aspergers and being a parent of a special child and an educator, I am cautious of diagnosing a child with a firm label at 6 years old unless the tested diagnosis is very clear. You can still get help at school and at home! There is hope.
I went through a period like this as a child, I was an army brat and my dad was SF. It started after a night where I had a complete emotional breakdown thinking that my dad wouldn't come home from deployment as we were not allowed to know where his deployments were, only when he would be getting back, and when he was supposed to be home had gotten pushed back. This led to and obsession with death and eventually I became germaphobic, not to the extremes but nevertheless I developed OCD symptoms that carried on through my life. I am now 24 getting out of the army and the only explanation I can really offer is that while being an army brat builds resilliancy, you are more prone to psychological tics due to the constant stress. Individual stressful experiences don't lead to psychological change but constant stress does. And this doesn't just come from deployments but also moving around a lot. Things that have helped me didn't come until later in my life. Ultimately a better understanding of what you do is what she needs. I didn't reach full closure on the situation until I deployed on my own. But every time my dad got in depth on the bigger picture of why he fought the bad guys my symptoms improved a little. I became stronger for it. Knowing is half the battle and that's what she needs, especially because little girls are more emotional than little boys are as children. And OCD manifests in different ways. Sorry if this response is late and long winded, but it hits home. I wish you and your daughter the best.
Believe it or not, kids who confess and go on and on about negative behaviors they claim to have committed are most likely witnessing a classmate get attention for bad behavior. I've worked in an elementary school now for 5 years and find when adults/teachers reward a child for negative and/or bad behaviors other kids feel left out and want more attention. They feel left out and don't like the attention the other kid gets...your child may be getting brushed off or told 'good job' then have attention moved to a child with behavioral and/or social issues.
1 Comments
I was a child who, like those mentioned above, felt guilty all the time about making mistakes in school, even though my parents reassured me. Unlike what foxtale states in the above post, I was not seeking attention from the teacher. Quite the opposite. I did not want to draw attention to myself when I was in the middle of what I now know are panic attacks. In talking to my elderly relatives, I learned that some of my great-aunts, now in their 90s, experienced the exact same symptoms as children. So I believe there is a genetic componet to this. We should not assume that a kid who is suffering is trying to get attention from a teacher. And I have to add that any teacher who is giving all that attention to kids demonstrating negative behavior does not know how to manage a classroom.
I havent read all the responses to you, so sorry if someone suggested already that you look into PANDAS (also called PANS).PANDAS is short for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections. A child may be diagnosed with PANDAS when Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and/or tic disorders suddenly appear following a strep infection (such as strep throat or scarlet fever). Often a long course of antibiotics can help. That was all we needed to help my 5 year old son. But it was a difficult & scary journey inbetween. I believe the longer it goes untreated, the harder to repair. Google it for more info. There are groups on facebook for parents, too, where you can get helpful info. Good luck.
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