6 year old with agression problems

[jezeboo]

My step-son is 6 (Misha)lives here 5 nights/week & lives w/ his mom 2. I met Misha 2 yrs ago. His mom was with him 1-2 days every month for about 2 yrs. She came out as a lesbian. This lasted for 3 yrs. When I got involved she became jealous & became more involved (2 nights/wk after 1 1/2 yrs). For the last yr, she has been telling Misha bad things about me that are made up. She says that I am FOS (full of sh**) to him. I have a happy 3 yr old who gets along w/ his step dad & his dad who visits us here. Misha's parents live 1 hour apart & he goes to school in the middle. We are moving to be closer to his school. My concerns are w/ his agression problems towards me that seem to come and go no matter what I do. Until his mom came back into the picture, he was very loving. Now he has threatened me verbally/physically(biting, pushing, name calling, disrespect, etc). A yr ago he hid some shoes in his closet in hopes that "you will hit your head when you try to get them so that blood will ooze down your face."  It has gotten worse. He complains about his mom when he is here & makes claims about her partner similar to ones about me. He complains about me the most. He breaks something/a rule & tells his father that I did it until he has to admit the truth, even if we were all witnesses. There was a verbal bully at school last year & his mother told him to "pee" on him. She also taught him "self defense" moves which he uses on my 3 year old- recently hitting him in the windpipe for trying to pass him on the sidewalk. He uses this at school & was sent home last year along w/ having regular complaints from the teacher (fidgets, won't sit down/listen, etc.) His mom/dad say that all this is normal. He draws (and acts out) very violent situations- people burning/getting crushed/shot. He drew a person who shot himself in the head & loves vampires (we do not expose him to anything close to this, ever!). We don't say anything bad about his  his moms, we support it. 3 days ago, he attacked me for taking a toy away after 3 warnings to put it away. He sat next to me & tried to spit on me & bite me as I leaned away. I told him to stop over & over. He pinned me & I slapped him. I felt bad, I had never done that before and don't believe in that kind of punishment. Then he attacked me again when his dad & I were talking after. His dad had to remove him from me. We made up that night but when he went to his moms the next day she called the police. They were apologetic/said it was not abuse. His mom has threatened to get me "no matter what". I am thinking of cameras for my protection since I spend 5 days/wk alone with Misha. Misha lit the stove last week when he woke really early (not norm.) & left it on all day (we left in am).  Didn't tell anyone, lied for hours about doing it. I need to know if I am paranoid to want to protect myself. I am thinking of putting a covert alarm on his door at night that will let me know, in my room, if he comes out. What to do? outofroom..

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your stepson is clearly seriously emotionally disturbed. The focus should be on obtaining help for him. Your description indicates what might result in the undermining of your position or authority with him, if  indeed he is receiving the message from his mother that you are a bad person. This situation will not improve, and may well worsen, if such underminig continues and there remains such friction between the two households. If the situation cannot reach more equanimity, I think you have to question very seriously whether it makes sense at all for him to be living with you.

[jezeboo]

Thank you for your help.  

We have considered having Misha's mother take him more than two nights a week and she has declined.  She wants a night off with her partner and works nights full time the rest of the time.  During the custody battle, she initially wanted him 4 nights a week and going to school near her.  Then his father would have to drive and hour to his son's school.  Right now it is in the middle and we are moving 5 minutes away from the school in two months.  When the custody evaluator concluded that Misha should remain with us, she just wanted money.  We paid her $1000 once  and $100 a month (to basically quit involving Misha in the custody battle) plus her half of Misha's tuition and she thinks our plan is the best in the world.  The custody battle took place two and a half years after the actual divorce because Misha's mother didn't have any desire to see him more than two days per month for that period.  That was until about six months after I started living with Misha and she started comparing herself to me.  She never shows up to any school events or even his birthday party.  

Misha's mom's partner makes a lot of money and could easily support them both but Misha's mom likes to work and feels that it fulfills her.  Her partner is also not really a "kid person" and looses her temper sometimes and involves him in activities that are too teen for him.  Misha's father (my fiance) feels that her house is not the best environment for him to be in and, even though there is friction, thinks it is best for him to be at our house.  I am not so sure.  I feel so bad for Misha.  I don't think he's a bad kid, I just think he is being messed with far too much and for too long.  I think his parents guilt is keeping him from getting the help he needs.  Misha also spends about one night a week with his grandmother, on one of his mothers nights, often.  So sometimes, he is really only at his moms house one night a week and he is sleeping at three diffent homes on one week.  He's only 6 yrs old.

My fiance (Misha's dad) and I spoke with him last night and had a positive talk about being a "big kid" and how we are working on a system of rewards for good behavior (small social or material ones) and a system of rules and consequences for the rules.  We said that there are four rules that are non-negotiable: no hitting/using force, no talking back/disrespect, stay in your room in the morning and night time until an adult is available (I am usually up first), and no lying.  He seemed to like all of this and be receptive, but nervous and fidgety.  

We have a happy home most of the time and a great relationship (me and Misha's father) and my son is very well adjusted.  We are really putting all our energy into figuring this out right now because we believe that it can be resolved.  It's never too late.

We spoke to Misha's mom last night and she claims that he has no problems and that any he does have are related to me.  Then she made sure to ask if I would make therapy appointments and continue to "babysit" him 5 days a week!  She is continuting to teach him "self defense" so Misha believes that hitting "as long as it is "self defense" is OK.  He doesn't understand the difference between self defense and retaliation.  And he hits before asking adults for help.  I don't know how to stop this without his mom on board.

It is tough because he can seem so normal sometimes and then so agressive the next.  I really appreciate your advice.  I went through a divorce myself but my parents didn't put us in the middle too much.  It is INCREDIBLE what the stress does to a child.  Largely because of parents emotions and dislike of eachother.  

Thank you again for your advice and help, it is greatly appreciated.  And I have been able to make an appointment for Misha's mom and dad with a counselor next week. :)

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You are doing very sensible things. Fewer transitions in Misha's week would be a great help, and less time with his mother would likely benefit him as well. Custody conflicts can certainly ruin a child's stability and, in the wake of such conflicts and the arrangements that ensue, children act in a disorganized, often aggressive fashion.

[jezeboo]

Thank you again for all your advice...

Yours truly.

J.S.

[LaryJ]

Good luck. It sounds like Misha's dad might not be playing a big role in correcting the mom's bad behavior / guidance.  He should step up and help you resolve this issue.

She clearly has issues and if I were in your situation I would see if the court could have her declared unfit.

It's really sad when immature and undeveloped people w/ serious issues and baggage end up corrupting their own children instead of admitting that they have a problem and getting some counseling.

I have an ex-sister in law who was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and her daughters < my nieces > still went to live with her on and off after she got out of jail. (?) The older niece has a baby about 1 year old, and the father (who was away from the family for most of the last year on a restraining order) was just recently shot to death by the police during a psychotic meth rampage.  So unfortunately I know a thing or two about unfit parents.  Best of luck.

[jezeboo]

Thank you for your advice.  We did have a custody determination done that came out in our favor, but in the absence of Misha's mother using drugs or abusing him, it is hard to take full custody.  We do have him 5 nights a week.  Mom has him Sun and Mon nights.  Because of this Misha is late to school on Mon. & Tues. and is punished for this on Wed.  He also does not complete homework on these days.  Our therapist has said to just let things fall apart on her end.  Let her deal with the reprocussions of Misha's grades getting bad and us being called in for conferences because of his behavior at school.  But his mother never steps up.  It's a great idea, but it just doesn't work.  Now, he has been asked to not discuss violent things at school by the teachers and we have asked the same at our house.  No drawings of people being burned to death/shot/etc.  His mother's way of supporting this?  She told him that this is a new rule at school and that it is sad because you used to be able to do these things at school so to please just follow rules.  So now Misha tells us and the teachers that we just are making silly rules.  It is such a screwed up situation.  I should also add that his mother (and father- my fiance) are jail guards (corrections deputies).   Funny, huh.  Not really...

Thanks for all the support.  That's what I really needed right now.  The therapist is helpful too.  She is letting me know that I am not "out there" for parenting the way I do.  That I need to become even stronger and more involved and that Wendi needs to come in line with us.  It helps also to hear that others have these problems.  Makes me feel less lost.  Thank you again...

Jennie