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Am I over-reacting?
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Am I over-reacting?

I've recently got engaged to a man whose 15 year old daughter lives with him. She has lived with him for the past 12 months and the move was due to her interference in her Mum's new relationship. The girl has a history of lying, bullying and manipulation. Her relationship with her Father has never been a Daddy's girl scenario but recently has taken to it like a duck to water. I have, over the last few months put up with sly and snide remarks that has caused my partner and I to argue. After him seeing my point of view he spoke with her but now two weeks later she seems to have forgotten how her behaviour can be so destructive. She asked me yesterday after dinner, if she pushed me off a cliff and I survived would I still marry her Father? I was she'll shocked and now in hindsight I wish I had defended myself. Her Father was sat right next to her and said nothing but more upsetting than that my two boys aged 6 and 13 heard this, once home my eldest expressed his concern over her question. Which its very essence is that she dislikes me enough to go to such extremes in order to end our engagement. I really don't know what to do and have resigned myself to the fact that there is no point discussin this with her Father as the moment has passed and he should have said something at the time. Please give me your thoughts. Kind regards.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have read your post several times Kitty and find it quite disturbing for two reasons. If they have never really had a huggie kissy father relationship then i find it alarming that a 15 year old can suddenly start one when most 15 year old girls are not wanting that type of relationship with their fathers.  Most worrying of all though is her comment re pushing you off a cliff, yes you should have confronted her when she said it but regardless of what she could possibly have said could not re assure me she is sane and if i was you i would run for the hills and think of your own two children. so no Kitty you are not over reacting.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there. Well, in truth, I feel for this 15 year old.  She's clearly intimidated by her parents--  mom and dad starting new relationships.  She does sound like she has internal distress.  I personally would take an empathetic approach to her and try to be cordial and friendly.  I would never enter into any discipline scenarios----   you can help her father from behind the scenes but to her, you are a smiling welcoming face.  She is  young and hence, prone to not making good decisions----  so do your best to cut her some slack.  Perhaps the issue will fade faster than you think.  She's desperately trying to hold onto her mom and dad for herself which is a bit sad.  At 15, she goes to college (hopefully) soon and will be an adult.  Then her parents will be more free and less caregivers which will be a good thing for your relationship.  So, weather this part of the scenario.  

And think too that her dad may be enjoying the added closeness now if he's not had it in the past.  Everyone wants to love and to be loved by their child.  Part of him may be having a secondary gain of validation as a parent so be respectful of that for your boyfriends sake.  

I have one other thought----  her desire to be physically closer to your husband is newer.  Mom got a new boyfriend and she had to go.  Is there anyway that the man in mom's life has been inappropriate with her?  

I would never confront this girl yourself.  This will just cause bad feelings. You stay with that smile and allow dad to be the bad guy.  You can talk to him and work with him behind the scenes and still have control over the situation.  But I almost guarentee if you confront her, this situation will spiral downhill and it may ultimately cause her dad to leave the situation eventually.  

with her comment about the cliff----  well, do you really feel threatened?  I'm guessing she is a shock value kind of kid.  I'd talk to her dad about this and see if he agrees that she could use a therapist to talk to in order to get some of her emotions out.  You could yourself buy her a journal and say it is for her to write her feelings in if she would like to.  And another benefit of her speaking to a therapist is that her father can be semi involved and will get a heads up if she is having any mental health issues to be addressed (such as someone who wants to push another over a cliff.  Guessing she was being inflammatory and not serious).  

good luck
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13167_tn?1327197724
I don't think you should "resign yourself" as you put it to a life with this girl.  

You have two boys who need a stable loving home with a happy mom.

Maybe this isn't the guy for you,  or the right time to remarry.
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757137_tn?1347200053
This girl's mother rejected her because she made trouble with her new partner. Now her sights are on you and she will do what she can to break up your relationship with her father. As difficult as the situation is, the girl should not be made to suffer a second rejection.  

First you need a serious talk with her father. If he does not recognize the problem there is not much of a future for the two of you. But if he does, then it is therapy time. This could have a good outcome if it is handled wisely and kindly.
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Avatar_f_tn
I completely agree with RockRose.  
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