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Are 8 year old behaviors "normal" ?
My boyfriend and I live in a house together with our small daughter. He has a son who is 8 that he has every other week. We have been together for 4 years now and I have always felt his son was a little different to me then most children I have encountered. I shrugged it off, blamed it on age and immaturity. As his son has grown older, I've noticed not much has changed if not has gotten worse. My other friends with children his age or older have never done the things he does or reacted to certain situations the way he does. For those of you who have raised sons, I am looking for some feedback I suppose... His mother and father both brush it off and say its normal, all 8 year olds do it but no 8 year olds that I know or have met act this way.
He has no concept of time. He's 8 and doesnt know if its morning or night and if its lunch time or dinner time. He cant distinguish between days, if he did something today, yesterday or not at all. He will eat lunch go watch TV, come back to us 30 minutes later and ask what we are making for lunch. When we tell him he just ate lunch (a sandwich or hotdog) he will say Oh and walk away. If we ask if hes still hungry he says no.
He is constantly standing somewhere random in the house just staring. If you ask him what he is doing he says nothing or he will make something up that has nothing to do with where he is and he will walk away.
Every single night he has "set chores" which consists of brushing teeth and going to the bathroom. We will tell him to go do his before bed chores every single night... this has been a set, repetitive thing since he was 4 years old. Every single time he will come out of the bathroom, his father will ask him if he did both things and every time he only did one thing or sometimes neither and will say "oh i forgot" or "No, i was going to do that now i wasnt done"
He has an extremely hard time remembering anything. Even if its something thats a repetitive thing that he does daily or something that just happened only yesterday. Where he puts his toys or leaves things, he cannot remember.
He wet the bed almost every night until he was 7 1/2 years old. and to this day will have a bowel movement and refuses to wipe afterwards.
He hurts other children at school, pushing, slapping, scratching them with staples. He has reports sent home that he talks back, puts his head down in class, will not listen and that he cannot sit still.
He lies.. ALOT. About everything and anything. His only interest is TV or Video games which we never allowed until recently. He does not want to play outside, he does not want to get his hands dirty, he has no interest in anything. He talks back to adults. If we go out somewhere he says in appropriate things to strangers. We were attempting to purchase a couch and he told the woman out of nowhere that our dog bit his face. He has done stuff like this many times. He does not know how to interact with other people. You can clearly see the reaction on peoples faces to the things he says and they are completely caught of guard.
We have pet ducks outside and a responsibility of his was to go feed them every morning. One afternoon I looked out the window and made a comment about the ducks.. he came running over and said "Oh yeah, so-and-so got his head ripped right off!" and made the motions with way too much excitement. And we asked him to clarify what he was saying. He was telling us the duck was dead basically with its head ripped off. I went outside to see the one duck had been attacked and had his head removed and the poor companion was by his side not leaving. This child saw this sight, carried on with putting food in the bowl (which was right next to the ducks and this sad scene) and he went back in the house and ate his cereal and then watched cartoons. He asked me later why I was crying. Later on told a stranger on our outing that "It was a sad day, our duck had its head ripped off"
He threw his shirt up on top of our vanity lights in our bathroom, almost catching our home on fire.
He is not self sufficient at all, I understand he is a young child but I do feel by this age he should be able to do something, anything without help.
He has intentionally hurt my dogs, I have watched him throw stuff at my daughter, Ive watched him take her hand and have her hit herself, slam doors in her face. But the thing is, he does all these things when he THINKS no one is watching... He is being sneaky about it. My neighbors have said they have seen him outside hiding behind things watching them. They once told me that they had their newborn outside and he was hiding and yelling "give me that baby"
Recently he unlocked and opened his car door while we were doing 60mph on the interstate... When he was scolded he sat there cool and calm and said "What" like he didnt even do anything wrong.
These are just some things that stick out to me... Again.. please dont think i am picking on a child.. I am not. I am at this point frightened for myself and my young daughter. His impulsive behavior mixed with his negative behavior have me concerned and scared.
After begging my boyfriend to take him to a psychologist for a year, they did and the psychologist was concerned and wanted to quickly start with an ADHD screening and not wait. Its been a year and the parents have never gone back.
He has no concept of time. He's 8 and doesnt know if its morning or night and if its lunch time or dinner time. He cant distinguish between days, if he did something today, yesterday or not at all. He will eat lunch go watch TV, come back to us 30 minutes later and ask what we are making for lunch. When we tell him he just ate lunch (a sandwich or hotdog) he will say Oh and walk away. If we ask if hes still hungry he says no.
He is constantly standing somewhere random in the house just staring. If you ask him what he is doing he says nothing or he will make something up that has nothing to do with where he is and he will walk away.
Every single night he has "set chores" which consists of brushing teeth and going to the bathroom. We will tell him to go do his before bed chores every single night... this has been a set, repetitive thing since he was 4 years old. Every single time he will come out of the bathroom, his father will ask him if he did both things and every time he only did one thing or sometimes neither and will say "oh i forgot" or "No, i was going to do that now i wasnt done"
He has an extremely hard time remembering anything. Even if its something thats a repetitive thing that he does daily or something that just happened only yesterday. Where he puts his toys or leaves things, he cannot remember.
He wet the bed almost every night until he was 7 1/2 years old. and to this day will have a bowel movement and refuses to wipe afterwards.
He hurts other children at school, pushing, slapping, scratching them with staples. He has reports sent home that he talks back, puts his head down in class, will not listen and that he cannot sit still.
He lies.. ALOT. About everything and anything. His only interest is TV or Video games which we never allowed until recently. He does not want to play outside, he does not want to get his hands dirty, he has no interest in anything. He talks back to adults. If we go out somewhere he says in appropriate things to strangers. We were attempting to purchase a couch and he told the woman out of nowhere that our dog bit his face. He has done stuff like this many times. He does not know how to interact with other people. You can clearly see the reaction on peoples faces to the things he says and they are completely caught of guard.
We have pet ducks outside and a responsibility of his was to go feed them every morning. One afternoon I looked out the window and made a comment about the ducks.. he came running over and said "Oh yeah, so-and-so got his head ripped right off!" and made the motions with way too much excitement. And we asked him to clarify what he was saying. He was telling us the duck was dead basically with its head ripped off. I went outside to see the one duck had been attacked and had his head removed and the poor companion was by his side not leaving. This child saw this sight, carried on with putting food in the bowl (which was right next to the ducks and this sad scene) and he went back in the house and ate his cereal and then watched cartoons. He asked me later why I was crying. Later on told a stranger on our outing that "It was a sad day, our duck had its head ripped off"
He threw his shirt up on top of our vanity lights in our bathroom, almost catching our home on fire.
He is not self sufficient at all, I understand he is a young child but I do feel by this age he should be able to do something, anything without help.
He has intentionally hurt my dogs, I have watched him throw stuff at my daughter, Ive watched him take her hand and have her hit herself, slam doors in her face. But the thing is, he does all these things when he THINKS no one is watching... He is being sneaky about it. My neighbors have said they have seen him outside hiding behind things watching them. They once told me that they had their newborn outside and he was hiding and yelling "give me that baby"
Recently he unlocked and opened his car door while we were doing 60mph on the interstate... When he was scolded he sat there cool and calm and said "What" like he didnt even do anything wrong.
These are just some things that stick out to me... Again.. please dont think i am picking on a child.. I am not. I am at this point frightened for myself and my young daughter. His impulsive behavior mixed with his negative behavior have me concerned and scared.
After begging my boyfriend to take him to a psychologist for a year, they did and the psychologist was concerned and wanted to quickly start with an ADHD screening and not wait. Its been a year and the parents have never gone back.
1st pray seek God for direction.
2nd change his school setting mainstream is conductive for behaviors such as these.
3rd he is on the Autism Spectrum most likely Asperger's.
Research on Aggression in Autism A recent study of aggression in autism showed some interesting trends in terms of risk factors, which may give some insight into challenging behaviors overall. There is a much higher rate of aggression towards caregivers in autism than in the general population and in others with intellectual disabilities. Unlike the risk factors in a typical population, aggression was equally common in girls as boys with autism. Several other usual risk factors (lower IQ, lower parental education, less language ability) were not associated with greater risk in autism. The research also showed that just like in the typical population, age was a risk factor, with higher levels of aggression occurring at younger ages, which may suggest that learning and growth may help behaviors improve. Those children with autism at highest risk of aggression exhibited the following characteristics: 1. More repetitive behaviors, especially self-injurious or ritualistic behaviors, or extreme resistance to change 2. More severe autistic social impairment These results show that core symptoms of autism are associated with the risk of aggression. Perhaps underlying conditions such as a lack of social understanding or the discomfort associated with breaking a routine might promote aggressive behavior.
4th there is definite signs of sexual abuse.
5th get your daughter out of there. you have a moral responsibility as a parent to do no harm! As we women we sacrifice everything for LOVE our kids, job, family, friends, God, or life to gain nothing.
6th remember that this is a child and he is made in the image of God! With that being said God doesn't make mistakes he is purposeful and intention in all his doing.
Mark 8:36King James Version (KJV)
36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
I praying for you and your family
2nd change his school setting mainstream is conductive for behaviors such as these.
3rd he is on the Autism Spectrum most likely Asperger's.
Research on Aggression in Autism A recent study of aggression in autism showed some interesting trends in terms of risk factors, which may give some insight into challenging behaviors overall. There is a much higher rate of aggression towards caregivers in autism than in the general population and in others with intellectual disabilities. Unlike the risk factors in a typical population, aggression was equally common in girls as boys with autism. Several other usual risk factors (lower IQ, lower parental education, less language ability) were not associated with greater risk in autism. The research also showed that just like in the typical population, age was a risk factor, with higher levels of aggression occurring at younger ages, which may suggest that learning and growth may help behaviors improve. Those children with autism at highest risk of aggression exhibited the following characteristics: 1. More repetitive behaviors, especially self-injurious or ritualistic behaviors, or extreme resistance to change 2. More severe autistic social impairment These results show that core symptoms of autism are associated with the risk of aggression. Perhaps underlying conditions such as a lack of social understanding or the discomfort associated with breaking a routine might promote aggressive behavior.
4th there is definite signs of sexual abuse.
5th get your daughter out of there. you have a moral responsibility as a parent to do no harm! As we women we sacrifice everything for LOVE our kids, job, family, friends, God, or life to gain nothing.
6th remember that this is a child and he is made in the image of God! With that being said God doesn't make mistakes he is purposeful and intention in all his doing.
Mark 8:36King James Version (KJV)
36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
I praying for you and your family
This is not adhd. It sounds more like he is on the autism spectrum. They need to get him to a psychologist.
I believe there has probably been some Sexual abuse somewhere down the line. as far as not remembering certain things I have the same issues, so does my daughter and we were both sexually abused.
I cannot distinguish the difference between 2 months and 2 years I couldn't tell you what I had to eat yesterday but I can tell you every single detail of the sexual abuse like it happened yesterday.
it is almost like we try so hard to block out the bad memories that we lose every other thought or event in the process.
my daughter tries to hurt our two-year-old every chance she gets and it we can't leave her alone with her because she leaves bruises (usually thumbprints etc. like she squeezed her) my daughter will scream bloody murder as soon as she sees her coming toward her.
You have to do what's right for your daughter because he could do the same thing to her. My daughter has also sexually abused younger kids in the neighborhood, boys and girls, and even her own little brother!
I cannot distinguish the difference between 2 months and 2 years I couldn't tell you what I had to eat yesterday but I can tell you every single detail of the sexual abuse like it happened yesterday.
it is almost like we try so hard to block out the bad memories that we lose every other thought or event in the process.
my daughter tries to hurt our two-year-old every chance she gets and it we can't leave her alone with her because she leaves bruises (usually thumbprints etc. like she squeezed her) my daughter will scream bloody murder as soon as she sees her coming toward her.
You have to do what's right for your daughter because he could do the same thing to her. My daughter has also sexually abused younger kids in the neighborhood, boys and girls, and even her own little brother!
I meant so say I myself was first diagnosed with adhd in the third grade and grew up taking ritalin
I honestly couldn'the agree more with Janedoe1234567890123 and Jcrizby. I myself was first diagnosed with adhd, I am now 32 and have suffered with it my whole adult life and now my daughter has it as well. I agree he does show some of the symptoms of ADHD he is also showing the GLARING symptoms of a sociopath. You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing by getting you and your beautiful Angel out of there. I wish you NOTHING but the BEST! Hope all goes well <3
None of this seems normal. As someone with ADHD who grew up in a family filled with members with ADHD, I can say with confidence that though he may have ADHD as well, little to none of what you've expressed here points to that. Forgetting things, zoning out, obsession with activities that offer instant gratification such as gaming and TV - that can definitely be ADHD. However the violence, the indifference to the ducks death (which it sounds like he may have caused - a dog or other violent animal would typically do more than RIP a duck's head off and just leave it there...) it sounds like he's a sociopath or has some sort of disassociative disorder. I would have him see a therapist immediately, and I would voice your concerns to the therapist in great detail. A family friend of mine adopted a child who had similar qualities. He ended up stabbing his baby sister in her sleep, years later. Please take care, this doesn't sound like a trivial matter.
I don't blame you for leaving. A lot of the absent-mindedness can be written off, but the part about the indifference to the duck's death makes me think he needs an ADHD screening right now. The fact that your boyfriend was indifferent is very scary, it's actually too bad you had a child with this guy, because he doesn't sound like much of a father. His son is not going to get the help he needs, and that is really problematic because he CAN improve, a lot, if someone takes an interest. I would actually be tempted to report the situation to the Children's Services folks, but of course they aren't a panacea. Does the child have a grandparent who would take an interest?
1 Comments
I would never regret having our daughter as she is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will do everything in my power to protect her. Hence, why i've decided to leave. I cant wait around hoping, asking, begging for the parents to help their child. Now, i need to take care of myself and my baby. I have made a comment before that I felt the child would be much better off with either grandparents and that was not something they wanted to hear.. I appreciate your feedback :)
Really, I read much of this as normal 8 year old boy behavior and especially a boy that goes back and forth between two homes.
The memory issue is a bit puzzling but a lot of the rest is not unusual. 12 percent of kids wet the bed until age 9 at night, and TONS of kids don't wipe all that well after a BM. We try to show them how but hey, it's not always that easy. Truthfully. And plenty of grown adults have streaks on their underwear. Not to be too gross.
He may have a mom that does much for him. If you took my boys and placed them in a different home that ran different than mine . . . oh my. I am not sure what they'd say about them. I do a lot around here. I don't refer to brushing teeth as a chore but a self care activity so they continue to have strong, healthy teeth. I sell the benefit of it. :>) rather than the responsibility of doing it. and now, they get it. I am not sure they did at 8. I still reminded the nightly at 8. EVERY night. -- brush your teeth dear-. At 13 and 11, they do it without my saying something.
I also was told by a very wise friend and have since heard it that when it comes to pets, get one if YOU want to care for it. Kids generally don't do a great job for that. Feeding the family ducks before school . . . you'll have some kids that get into this chore but I don't think its common to be able to fully trust kids to do this. Our dog would be really skinny if my kids were their caregiver. Just keeping that real. Doing it with them is a lot more common at 8 yrs.
How does his family handle his impulse control issues and anger issues? What do they do to HELP him??
I do understand that you are concerned. I know that you are not picking but worried. I tried to answer what is normal in my mind. It sounds like the parents are not interested in helping him. That is an issue because one of his lax parents is your boyfriend. Ugh. That means he's not being the best dad at the moment. When you ask about the add/adhd help, what does he say?
If he is unwilling to help his child, what can you do? That is so unfortunate for this boy and makes him a victim of bad parenting (on his father and birth mother's behalf).
By the way, how does he do with his school work? Academically?
The memory issue is a bit puzzling but a lot of the rest is not unusual. 12 percent of kids wet the bed until age 9 at night, and TONS of kids don't wipe all that well after a BM. We try to show them how but hey, it's not always that easy. Truthfully. And plenty of grown adults have streaks on their underwear. Not to be too gross.
He may have a mom that does much for him. If you took my boys and placed them in a different home that ran different than mine . . . oh my. I am not sure what they'd say about them. I do a lot around here. I don't refer to brushing teeth as a chore but a self care activity so they continue to have strong, healthy teeth. I sell the benefit of it. :>) rather than the responsibility of doing it. and now, they get it. I am not sure they did at 8. I still reminded the nightly at 8. EVERY night. -- brush your teeth dear-. At 13 and 11, they do it without my saying something.
I also was told by a very wise friend and have since heard it that when it comes to pets, get one if YOU want to care for it. Kids generally don't do a great job for that. Feeding the family ducks before school . . . you'll have some kids that get into this chore but I don't think its common to be able to fully trust kids to do this. Our dog would be really skinny if my kids were their caregiver. Just keeping that real. Doing it with them is a lot more common at 8 yrs.
How does his family handle his impulse control issues and anger issues? What do they do to HELP him??
I do understand that you are concerned. I know that you are not picking but worried. I tried to answer what is normal in my mind. It sounds like the parents are not interested in helping him. That is an issue because one of his lax parents is your boyfriend. Ugh. That means he's not being the best dad at the moment. When you ask about the add/adhd help, what does he say?
If he is unwilling to help his child, what can you do? That is so unfortunate for this boy and makes him a victim of bad parenting (on his father and birth mother's behalf).
By the way, how does he do with his school work? Academically?
2 Comments
Unfortunately, neither really "help" him. Like i had mentioned, it's brushed off as "normal boy behavior" His mother is only concerned about herself and having a good time with her life. She gets very upset if she even ends up with him 1 extra day in her schedule. I tried to work with him, and make chore charts, and do rewards and everything but its exhausting being the only person and having no back up help. I now have my own daughter to raise and worry about and between her and my job Im exhausted! With the AdHD doc, my now ex-boyfriend, can't afford to pay for all the forms, and the tests and appointments on his own since ADD testing is not covered by any kind of insurance... and his sons mother will not help pay. His school work will be good and then it goes downhil and the teacher says he's just not interested. I can hear him when he does his homework, he refuses to focus or even try. I wasnt really thinking about the feeding the ducks as a chore issue, I was more concerned about how he reacted or should i say didnt react to seeing one of our pets that he interacted with daily decapitated and deceased. How he continued to place food in from of the headless duck and then come inside and eat cereal and not say a word about it. That bothered me. Thats a lack of empathy in my mind.
And i totally agree... def parents fault with alot.. they dont really work WITH him or follow up on anything. It's a shame. And thats a huge part of why I refuse to stay with this man any longer. Thank for your feedback! I do appreciate it!!
And i totally agree... def parents fault with alot.. they dont really work WITH him or follow up on anything. It's a shame. And thats a huge part of why I refuse to stay with this man any longer. Thank for your feedback! I do appreciate it!!
Literally nothing is normal about this behavior. This kid has severe ADHD and a personality disorder to boot. He will end up seriously hurting someone, and your daughter may be that person. If his ****** parents won't do anything, you have to protect YOUR child.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Before I got to your last paragraph, I was going to say that he has many, many of the symptoms of ADHD. And then I saw the psyc beat me to it. He will not get better, he will get only worse unless he either can get treatment or the schools and parents learn how to work with him. The way you work with an ADHD child is different then with a child who does not have ADHD. I am also the CL here. http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175
Perhaps you can get some of the people involved to ask me for some help on that site. Till then, here are some links on working with kids with ADHD. As well as symptoms.
Symptoms ...https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-in-children.htm
discipline ....http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/100/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=July
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/88/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=June
Perhaps you can get some of the people involved to ask me for some help on that site. Till then, here are some links on working with kids with ADHD. As well as symptoms.
Symptoms ...https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-in-children.htm
discipline ....http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/100/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=July
http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/88/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=June
1 Comments
I am trying.. I really am but I can only push so much... He's not my child nor my stepchild and both parents are pretty crappy to be honest. The mother is only concerned about her life and having a good time and his father isnt very ambitious and is "afraid" of his ex-wife. So what she says goes.
I appreciate your help and look forward to reading the information you've shared. Thank you!
I appreciate your help and look forward to reading the information you've shared. Thank you!
Honeslty, that's not good.... those are beginning signs of a sociopath. Killing or hurting animals at a young age... please take him to a good physiatrist!!!
1 Comments
Many symptoms of ADHD and sociopath. I would recommend a family counselor or therapist.
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