Daughter steals and lies and minipulates people.

[narafire]

I am a mother of an 11 year old girl who steals sharpie pens and lies about the little things. she manipulated a couple into giving her a kitten. I am at my wits end as to what to do with her. I have tried punishments. Making her run for 30 minutes. the only thing that did was help her lose about 10 lbs. I cut out sweets and treats. But nothing seems to work. Right now I have her getting up at 6 O' clock in the morning and running 30 minutes. she then comes back in and takes a shower. then she gets dressed and eats breakfast. then she reads for 30 minutes. I even take her to work with me because I don't trust her to stay home by herself. after work she runs 30 laps. (She averages about 47 seconds per lap. Then she comes in and does her chores. Eats supper and then does dishes and carries out the trash. I don't allow her time to play with other kids because she tends to bully them or intimidate them into doing wrong. Her bedtime is 9 pm. i took all her free time and all her toys and stuff from her and nothing has fazed this kid. what am i doing wrong? or what needs to change?

[margypops]

Wow what did this child do to get this much punishment ?Children love baby animals why would wanting one be manipulation?Would need to know the really severe behavior she is exhibiting ...

[Sandman2]

   I don't understand the running.  Is she doing that as punishment or as a way to lose weight? or ?

[nursegirl6572]

I have to agree with the others.  What are you running...a boot camp?  How did you come up with utliizing running as a punishment?  Your daughter is going to grow up and view any kind of physical exercise as a negative thing...which will probably end up having the opposite effect as far as weight management goes.  That needs to stop, now.

Did you make her return the items she stole and apologize?  That would be more appropriate, then take away a priviledge (TV, cell phone, video game, hanging out with friends) as a punishment.  How about the kitten?  Did you make her return it?  If not..you should have.  THOSE are the kinds of actions that send a message to a child.  

You can always have her evaluated by a professional, but I truly think that if things changed at home, you would see some improvements.  Most children at that age act out as a means of getting attention.  How much time do you spend with her?  If not much...she is probably starved for attention...and acting out as a way to get your attention.

Best of luck.

[adgal]

I also agree with all of the comments above.  She is 11.  Try talking to her about the behaviors that you feel are innapropriate and perhaps just a little understanding?  Kids do dumb things..it's all part of the growing and learning process.  Nursemom makes a great point in having her return things she might steal.  When I was about your daughters age I stole an eyeliner from a department store.  My mother made me return it and write a letter of apology to the store manager.  I never forgot it and that was the end of my career as a criminal.  Consequences need to make sense and need to fit the crime.  I guess that based on your post, I just feel like your daughter needs more talking and less punishment.  It works!  Good luck to you.

[Sandman2]

     From rereading your post, I get the feeling that you have tried several ways to change your daughter behavior and they have not worked and you are asking for more ideas.   Good idea.  It really does not make much sense to keep doing the same thing with no results.
    I think the main thing we need to figure out is why is she doing the things she is doing?
    My first question is - does she have the same problems at school.  If these things only happen at home, then we look more at things in her home life that could be driving her to do this.  If they happen at both school and home, then its really a different situation.  How are her grades at school?   Have teachers from several different grade levels complained?  
    There is also another possibility.  I am going to list a bunch of behaviors.  Let me know how many of these seem to fit her.
    
    Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes.
    Has difficulty sustaining attention.
    Does not appear to listen.
    Struggles to follow through on instructions.
    Has difficulty with organization.
    Avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort.
    Loses things.
    Is easily distracted.
    Is forgetful in daily activities.
  Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in chair.
    Has difficulty remaining seated.
    Runs about or climbs excessively.
    Difficulty engaging in activities quietly.
    Acts as if driven by a motor.
    Talks excessively.
    Blurts out answers before questions have been completed.
    Difficulty waiting or taking turns.
    Interrupts or intrudes upon others.

   Just copy these behaviors and then put a big X in front of things that describe things that she does.

[Nighthawk61]

I honestly think that you need to talk to a child psychologist about what is normal and what is not. From what i am reading , she seems pretty normal. Maybe she needs a little bit of help in how she reacts with other children, in that case she could be introduced into a youth group, and a therapist could give you a professional opinion and coping mechanisms.  She wanted a kitten and someone gave her a kitten. For some other adult to give a child an animal without first asking the child's parents is a problem with them, not your daughter.  If you didn't want it, or you were concerned that another adult overstepped normal boundaries, did you speak to them , or just punish your daughter? I think that you need help from a child psychologist right away. I know you are trying to do the right thing because you love your daughter, so please , get advice from a professional before you damaged your relationship with your daughter. Best wishes. I look forward to hearing what a psychologist has to say. God Bless.

[narafire]

Thank you for reading more into it. everything you listed is going to have a checkmark by it. she was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 5. the running is more for exercise than for any other reason. Most of the females in my family is on the BIG side. I want better for her. The kitten was returned. It didn't seem to faze her one little bit.

[Sandman2]

    Ya, I was fairly sure that was what she had.  So a couple of things.
    First, there have been some studies that show exercise increases serotonin which is also what the stim meds do.   So there is a good chance that the exercise she is getting does help calm her down for a period of time.  I think essentially, that swimming was something that helped Michael Phelps get through this childhood (he has ADHD too).
   Second, your problems are the same ones I see over on the ADHD website, which is why I asked the questions I did.  I just can't believe that for over 6 years no doctor has given you the basic information about how to work with an ADHD kid.  Literally, all the stuff that is driving you nuts is very common ( and is driving all the parents nuts.).  And that also is why your discipline attempts have not been very successful.  Those methods just don't work very well with kids who have ADHD.
   I am guessing either she is not on meds?   How has she been doing at school?
   Ok, long story short.  Get the book, "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.   Its about 10 bucks on Amazon.  It will give you how to help her at home.  How the school can work with her.  How to effectively try and change her behavior.  And most importantly, it will also give you a feeling for how ADHD effects kids.  That apparently is something your docs have not bothered to tell you - and from the questions I get over on the ADHD forum - this happens a lot.
   I will be glad to help with any specific questions.  But since these are ADHD issues - not bad parenting or weird child behavior - please post here -  http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175
   Oh, at this age I am not surprised to see that the kitten being returned did not bother her a bit.  I am curious about her grades.  Beginning to get the feeling that she may be a fairly sharp kid.  And, we do need to talk about her not interacting with other kids.  She needs to learn how to do this.  Punishment (or isolation) is not the way.   Please keep in touch.  Best wishes.