Biting and Aggressiveness

I have 2 children, 4 and 7.  My 4 yr old is somewhat aggressive and I don't know where it is coming from.  She has always been a little ahead as far as teeth, crawling, walking, etc.  She started biting at 1 yr. and by 2 yrs. old she was removed from 2 daycare facilities.  She went into a home daycare where she stopped biting immediately.  There were 3 or 4 biting incidents at the home daycare in a 1.5 year period.  She is now being watched by a neighbor until she can get into preschool.  My neighbor has a 2 yr. old boy.  They are constantly fighting and she has bitten him on 1 occasion.  She has to keep them in separate rooms.  She will scream "No" back at you, screams when she doesn't get her way, temper tantrums, door slamming etc.  I make an extra effort to give her individual attention so she won't feel left out.  I don't know what to do to try to curtail this behavior.  She has a heart of gold, but I need for her to learn to interact with other children and not need to be the head of the group or the boss.  My husband and I are also at odds because of this.  He thinks we should punish her and she will learn that way.  I discipline her (not quite as sternly) and I also try to explain to her that what she is doing is unacceptable behavior.  I am getting torn up about this and don't know how to handle it.  Any help would be much appreciated.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Beth,

Explanations with a child so young can go only so far. She doesn't have the cognitive capacity to integrate what you are telling her. Of course you need to tell her that biting is not permitted, that it hurts. But, there also needs to be a behavioral component to the discipline.

Immediately on the occasion of any aggressive behavior, she should be placed in time out (preferably in an adult-size chair or on the bottom step of a staircase). The words "No biting" are all that is required for talk at this point. The time out should last for about five minutes; use a portable timer to track the time, and only start the time when she is seated and quiet. At the conclusion of the time out, ask her "What got you in time out?" When she answers that she bit someone, tell her "No biting'"

After the time out, she should engage in solitary play for a while, to be sure she is settled and calm, before she is allowed to be with another child.

[Beth]

Thanks for your reply on biting.  Now I need help on the aggresseive mouthy behavior.  My daughter is VERY independent and doesn't take well to timeouts.  My concern is when I try timeouts, she physically gets up and will refuse to sit there and start with the temper tantrum and flopping around the floor like a fish and scream.  I try to repeatedly put her back on the chair, but to no avail.  Also, how do I work on her yelling back at an adult and her refusal to listen when asked to do something she doesn't want to do.  She needs to respect her caregivers.  I am desperate for her to be able to interact and not be the boss.  I don't want to feel I have to watch her every second when she plays with the neighbor kids and I feel terrible when I hear complaints about her.  Did I do something wrong in how I raised her?  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Any other suggestions?  Does she need to seek counseling at 4 yrs. old?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Beth,

It would be useful for you to seek the help of a child behavioral health specialist. It's not so much the face-to-face work that such a specialist might do with your daughter that would be helpful, but rather the collaboration with you to devise practical management approaches. When we work with pre-school children, it's actually the parents we do the most work with.

[rachael]

we have alot of the same problems with our four year old son,
a good book to read on this subject is called sos! Help for parents,  by Lynn Clark, Ph.D.  This book touches on areas where other books seem to be afraid to go.  We have stuck to the ideas and suggestions such as rewarding good behavior,  sticking to a time out routine,  when to time out etc.  before reading this book our son would just run away from the chair as if mocking us,
Now he seldom screams and he stays on!!!  Read the book, it will help you.  Our son is a very active strong willed child,  there is hope for yours.