Tantrum when picking up from preschool

[nagrath]

My son is almost 3 years old, and is generally independent and good-natured, but VERY active. He has occasional temper tantrums that usually are manageable; he can also be quite stubborn and persistent, but again, not backing down and using distractions usually resolves problems pretty well. My wife (his mother) is with him most days, and he goes to a half-day preschool twice a week. He has no behavior problems there, though he is somewhat easily distracted. The problem we are having a hard time with is temper tantrums that occur when my wife picks him up from school. When she goes into the classroom to get him, he often will drop to the floor and start having a tantrum. It's incredibly embarrasing to my wife, as none of the other children exhibit this behavior, and all of the other mothers are looking incredulously at the situation and makeing unhelpful comments. He can't seem to explain why he is so upset; I sometimes feel it is because he isn't ready to go yet--he enjoys school and is very social, but he is our only child and there are few children his age nearby. On Tuesdays and Saturdays when my wife works and I am with him all day, he often reacts badly when she comes home, too. Understand that he is generally very good with her all day, but these times are quite difficult for my wife and we are having a tough time understanding them.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There is not much point in asking a children so young why they are behaving in a certain fashion. They are very self-centered and pleasure-seeking at this age, with no introspective ability. So, when a young child is angry or upset, it is generally due to one (or more) of four factors: tiredness, hunger, illness or (and this is the most frequent) their pleasures are being interrupted. This is what your wife is experiencing at the pre-school. Straightforward behavior management might help a bit. To start, if your wife's arrival is always consistent (re: time), the teacher can remind your son ahead of time that his mother will soon come and she/he can then prepare him to be ready. Second, you can establish a simple reward system: if he's able to leave in a cooperative fashion, a treat (modest) of some sort (e.g., small lollipop) awaits him in the car. A 'star chart' at the school or at home, noting his successful departures, can enhance the power of such a system. Third, if he does have a tantrum, he can be put in time out at home for five minutes (sitting quietly in a chair; use a portable digital cooking timer to track the time).

[nagrath]

The parents all arrive at the same time, and the teachers do try to prepare the children for their arrival--but the reward for good departure behavior is a good idea. It does appear that he does this more when there is a disruption to his usual school routine, ie they did not go out for recess because it was too snowy, for example, so I suspect he just feels like he is getting gypped by having to go home without doing everything he wants to. But it is very difficult dealing with these public (amid many clucking mothers) outbursts, especially since he is not one to frequently have tantrums.