DON'T LIKE MY SON

[Krissy13]

How can I pretend to like my son?  He's 7 years old and is a smart mouth and does the opposite of what I say ALL THE TIME.  I've punished him but it doesn't help.  I work and my husband stays home with him.  I know my husband needs to be more consistent and supply more structure and dicipline but he doesn't.  I get to the point where I go down to the basement right when I get home from work, shut the door and stay there all night.  I can't stand to be around him.  What should I do?  I want to love him and I find myself bonding with other kids because they act the way I would like my son to act.   I'm so lost, what should I do?

[April2]

I think you're confusing his behaviour with who he is as a person. You don't love his BEHAVIOUR. You hate his BEHAVIOUR. It's not him you don't love, it's his behavious. You've got to seperate the two. He is your child, a part of you. There are many times I don't like the way my daughter acts. And sometimes I feel like I don't even like her very much (when she's acting badly). However, I KNOW it's her behaviour I don't like. I DO love her. She's my daughter and I'd give my life for her. Now that we've established that, you need to work on his behaviour. If you don't like the way he acts, then address the problem. No one said it's easy to be a parent. It's the hardest job in the world. But you don't have the option of just "checking out" like you're doing. How is that helping him? Did you think about the possibility that he may be acting up more to try and get your attention? Kids are funny that way. It doesn't make sense to us as adults, but kids don't act like we do. If he's getting a reaction out of you, then he'll keep up the behaviour. He may increase it too when you ignore him. He's trying to get your attention! He's crying out for your love and attention! YOU have to be the adult here. I don't know what kind of punishments you've tried but they're not working. You need to sit him down and go over the rules with him in a calm manner. Tell him what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Then start a reward chart with him. If he does the things he should, reward him with a sticker. Explain to him that after he's earned so many stickers, that he will get a special treat like going out with mom for ice cream or something. Give him something to look forward to. You say he's a smart mouth. He may be trying to be a clown to get laughs. Just explain calmly that he can't talk back to you or his daddy or teacher or any adult. If he disobeys, then he gets something taken away. But make sure you also give him rewards for good behaviour. He needs goals, something to look forward to. Kids need and crave praise and validation. Look for ways to praise him. If he brings home a good grade, praise him. If he cleaned his room without asking, praise him. If he's playing quietly by himself, thank him for being so good. It may take effort to begin with, but look for ways to praise him. The more you do this, the more he will try and please you. It may take awhile and it will take a lot of patience and work from you, but isn't it worth it? You are raising a human being here. That's the most important job in the world.

[RockRose]

Krissy - your post is so interesting because it's the flip of the usual husband/wife battle.    There are so many men who don't come home until the children are in bed,  or if they come home they hide in the house where the kids can't find them,  because the kids are unlikeable.  (And there's also the percentage of fathers who can't tolerate any kind of boistrous kid behavior,  so they seclude themselves because they are unsociable).

I think you need to have your son tested and in therapy if he's as unlikeable as you say.  The fact that you're bonding with other kids is an indication that you really like children,  and tolerate shenanigans,  but this boy is way way over the line.

Get him tested.

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

Oops,  I didn't finish my post.  

Do other people find him impossible to be around?  Grandparents,  teachers,  peers?  Is it just you who doesn't like him,  or is it that his behavior is such that no one wants to be with him?

[Krissy13]

I've had him tested, he's fine and he's very well behaved in school.  I've even asked the teachers if they are actually talking about MY son at conferences because he is so different.  I went to one of his soccer games and EVERYONE loves him but at home, he's an animal.  The problem with us is that my husband is always his friend and not his parent.  I feel like a single mother with a husband!  I sometimes want to put him into foster care on a temporary basis (but not tell him that) so he might realize just how lucky he really is.  We are very poor but we are very blessed to have what we have.  I just have NO feelings for my son, am I completely abnormal?

[April2]

The fact that he's only doing it around you tells me a lot. He is looking for attention from you. See if you can sit down with your husband and tell him your concerns and ask him to try and be on the same page as you as far as discipline, etc. goes. My husband's kinda the same way. He's the fun dad. I usually have to be the disciplinarian. But you know what? My kids act like they respect me more. I don't let them talk back to their dad, but they listen to me more.
Have you tried the things I've suggested? The reward chart tends to work well for kids his age. It's just a suggestion.

[nastursim]

Have you ever thought that maybe the problem lies with you and not your son??  You lock yourself in the basement when you come from work??? My gosh, how much time do you give this poor boy, if any?? He is obviously starved of your affection and is trying the only way he knows to get your attention, and still you push him away?? Maybe he would be better off in a foster home surrounded by people who love him and want him!! I know how tough boys can get, I have a 7 year old myself, but his behaviour only pushes me to want to help him more, not give him away and hide from him. You maybe not abnormal not having feeling for him, but maybe you should have thought about that before you brought him into this world. He is your responsibility, but if you cannot love him, please give him to somebody who will, for his sake, because he deserves it, not you!!

[AHP84]

Wow, what a post.
Krissy, help us out here. What DO you do to be a parent to him? How have you addressed his bad behaviors, what kind of discipline have you used (well, before you decided to give up on him and lock yourself away in the basement)? And more importantly, what have you done for him to ever show him any *positive* attention (besides sitting on the sidelines of a soccer game once)?

I'll be honest with you, after reading your post, if you're for real, I'm appalled at how you handle being a parent. Of course you like other kids--you don't have to raise them. You see them for a brief time and then you don't have to deal with them as a parent. But when it comes time for you to step up to the plate with your own son, you are emotionally neglecting him. I guarantee you that he KNOWS you don't like him, and probably thinks you don't even love him.
And if you feel like a single parent with a husband, then so what! BE A PARENT anyway! Don't blame *your* issues with your son on anyone else, because the relationship you have with your son is between you and him and no one else. Put some effort into this!
Think of it this way if you're going to point fingers at your husband: children in divorced families get traded from one parent to the other. Say one parent is like you--expects the kid to fit a mold of behavior and qualities, yet doesn't do a damn thing to develop that in their kid, so that parent emotionally disconnects from the kid and what happens? The kid's behavior gets horrible and intolerable.
Then there's the other parent who has the kid the next week, and this parent dotes on the kid and takes interest in the things the kid likes. Say this parent is a moderate disciplinarian and could improve, but all in all, this parent is doing their part to raise a healthy, happy, likeable kid. But say this parent hates the other parent, and vice versa.
So the other parent claims they don't like the kid because the other parent has set the kid against them. Yet this parent is still doing absolutely NOTHING to emotionally bond with the kid. Oh, but it's so easy to point fingers at others and say, "I'm not responsible for this."

Grow up. And get some help for yourself so you can help your son, otherwise he's going to hate you right back in the very near future. Why don't you schedule an appointment with a family therapist. That would be a good place to start.

[Krissy13]

WOW.  I guess I didn't realize that I would get such negative feedback.  Thank you all for your honest opinions, I do appreciate them.  As far as being poor, we are but we have a house and our health.  I'll try harder, it's just so hard for me.  Winter will be here soon and that's when I do have some fun with him because I LOVE winter so we're outside alot on the weekends.  Thank you for the rewards suggestion.  I know about that but have never actually put one into action.  And I'm not a Troll, I really don't even know what that's suppose to mean.  

[Krissy13]

I will not be writing any more to this post.  Thank you again.

[AHP84]

Krissy, as far as negative feedback, I'm sorry, but I think you honestly could have expected it. You put a post up that was very negative about your own child.
You came right out and said you don't like him, that you can't stand being around him, you lock yourself away from him, you wish you could sometimes give him to foster care (and foster care is horrible, so I don't see how anyone could actually wish that on their child, if even temporarily), he acts like an animal, and you are bonding with other kids that are not your own.
Then you said your husband does not apply consistent, structured discipline for your son. Well, that sounds better than you giving up, doing nothing and locking yourself in the basement.
You didn't say one thing to indicate that *you* care enough to change his behavior, only that you want *him* to change so you can love him. You even confess to this when you said in your last post that you've *known* about positive reinforcement reward systems but you've never actually put one into action.
So as for "I'll try harder," please do, for your son's sake. He's a child who needs his mother, physically and emotionally. Locking yourself away from him, bonding with other kids, and wishing temporary foster care on him to "help him see how lucky he really is" is providing neither for your son.
I really think a family counselor could help you all develop a better relationship with one another. Seriously, get in contact with one and set up an appointment.

[nicand]

I don't want you to give up.  You are writing to a bunch of Mother Bears here...we just want what is best for all children...including yours.  I would suggest having mother-son time each week regardless of his behaviors.  Children need to know you will love them no matter what they do or how they act.  I agree that he is striving for your attention.  So give it to him in a positive way.  Then he will be less likely to act up during the week because he knows he will have his "mom time" say on Saturday.  Make this time fun but it doesn't always have to be something planned.  Even running errand with you on Saturday morning can be quality time.  

I would also suggest having supper as a family as often as possible.  Sitting around the table!  At supper give each family member an opportunity to talk about their day UNINTERUPTED.  Letting your son know that his day is/way important to you is important to him.  You can also share your day with your son and husband.  Even if you had a "bad" day.  They will then understand how your day was and give you space is you need it.

I respect your honesty.  I agree that it is his behavior you don't like though and I think you agree with that also and not that you don't like your son.  Sometime it is hard to distinguish the two!!

Best of luck!  

[jd1419]

One thing I would like to comment on--you say you are the one working and not your husband (nothing wrong with that) but is because he is laid off and looking or on disablity--I only bring this up for if he is totally depressed about not working and he takes it out on you by not respecting you or other things like that--your son may also be picking up this behavior that mom is supposed to be talked to this way....you may all benefit from a family meeting or even counseling to help all of you get over issues that you have.  And yes being a prent is not easy--and there is no reason for any parent ever to check out on their child---You need to be strong and consistent and have total ground rules set for all of you to follow.  If it is tough now, Winter is usually harder for everyone gets couped in the house when it gets cold out--so I would think that it would be a great time to work on the family.  Good Luck

[laura1977]

I am sorry, but I can't believe that you are actually complaining about your son.  His own mother states she doesn't like him.............. gotta say that is kind-of not right.  I mean it's not like you are saying you don't like his behavior, you are saying you don't like him.  Maybe he needs his mother.  
How do you expect your son to be a good kid when he feels his own mother who is suppose to love him above all others is against him?  
I think there is more to this problem then just your son.  Dig deeper into your family situation and you might find something.
You seem to not like the fact that women are disturbed by you saying you don't like your child?  Does it feel like the forum is against you?  Good now you know how your son feels, except we aren't your mother.

[pleshette]

Krissy don't let others get to you. I truely understand what you are talking about. I am a guardian of a child who is my sibling that i have raised for 4 years now. I feel the same way about coming home and wanting to or going to my room and close the door. And i sometimes finding myself not liking the child. And I honestly think that if she wasn't my sibling I would return her back to foster care. I have had every test done, put her in activities and is very attentive to her but her behavior is still terrible. I am not giving up, I have signed us up for therapy and a psychiartise(spelling). So far no change but she is only 5 and I still have some years to go before she becomes a teenager and then i really can't control her. so best luck.

[nastursim]

It is very obvious in your response to Krissy that you do have compassion. You in no way are saying that you have given up on your sister, quite the opposite to Krissy. At least you realize that she is only a child and that there is still hope for change. I know it is very tough to parent a challenging child, my own son threatens to kill me and my husband, but out of love for him, we continue on loving and trying to help him.

[Tracy87]

i think everyone is being very hard on you when writing on here i have a son at 4 and a half he is very hard work his tantrums are really bad and yes sometimes i say to myself i hate him because of the way he is acting everyone thinks my sons an angel but they dont live with him i love my son with all my heart but sometimes you just want to scream when they constantly keep misbehaving but there kids make the most of your son while you have him spend some time on your own with him i did that with my son and you see a different boy when you get to know what he likes and dislikes it may take some time but it does work i think you do love him give yourself a chance and dont listen to anyone on here not everyone bonds with their kids especially when they get away from the baby stage we forget they get older and it gets harder. dont hide away from your son spend time with him dont let your son think you dont like him you may regret it give yourself a chance.
get back to me and tell me how you get on.

good luck

tracy

[April2]

Wait till they become teenagers, hee hee. Then they will really test you on your love for them, let me tell ya!

[Tracy87]

no-one is perfect she is on here for advice not to get abused yes she may have said the wrong thing when saying she hates her son i think everyone has said something but it came out the wrong way. the people on here that are saying that krissy makes you sick im sorry but you make me sick for abusing this woman she came on here for help and all she is gettin is abused yes children are hard work i know i have a son and daughter and im only 20 yrs old i think the people on here should look at themselves use are bullies i just cant believe that someone came on here for help and she gets this no wonder she doesnt want to put another post in i wouldn't if i got that.

and just before anyone starts about my age yes im 20 but i have my own mind and i will speak it the way i like.

krissy i hope you get help with your son and BETTER advice

take care

tracy

[April2]

Yeah, I think people jumped the gun a little accusing her of being a troll. I think we have to be careful to get all the facts before we assume things.
If you noticed, I didn't abuse her. I tried to get her to see that it was his behavior she didn't like, not her son. I told her that because I wanted her to not take it personal. It's not him as a person, it's his behavior. When you realize that it's the behavior then you know there's hope because people can change their behavior with help.

[Tracy87]

i saw that what you said and i agree it just annoyed me with the person saying that krissy made her sick i felt she was being bullied  i agree it was the wrong thing to say but people on here want help not to get the abuse she got

tracy

[boosty]

first of all krissy, i am hoping youre still reading these comments at least. i appreciate your honesty and the fact that youre on here shows that you do love your son more than anything and you want to find a place to not only let out your emotions and anger, but to seek some help from women whom i am sure have felt anger towards their children countless times. i admire your courage to talk so honest. that comes from you being hurt, angry and tired, and frustrated. it could be angry at your husband for reasons unknown, your misbehaved son, and your hard day at work. adn you come home angry and the first place you come to talk was probably here to let out some steam. so your words were just out of anger i am sure. and how could the rest of you women not understand that? regardless of some women with their pride say, ALL of us do go through the times when you dont wanna deal with the moment of their misbehaving. sometimes you even want to strangle them. lol
but you love them with all your heart. parenting is hard. but what you need to know most of all right now is that every second that youre mad and hide away or neglect your child, scars him in some way. he is at an age where lots are going on with him and he needs to feel your love and care so much when you come through the door. change your reaction and mood for a couple of days and see if he continues his behavior. i am for certain he will change. be patient sweetheart. thats what being a woman means. we gotta learn to be patient mothers, husbands and all the above. dont get offended and dont stop talking on these posts. show your courage. there are lot of us here who do understand you and are here to really help instead of insult. i would like to hear you come back and acknowlege the ones who are here to help. let us know how youre doing and how your dear son improves with the love of his mother. remember, youre the most important human being, role model in his life! without you, he is nothing and without your love, he will never have the confidence and insurance to go on with the battles of life. a womans role in life is the most important. we spin the world around. be strong! and do seek for help. we are here for you. you are not being judge for your honesty .

[njh47]

Hi, i feel totaly the same as you. My 4 year olds behaviour makes me feel as though i dont like him at all. He is so mean and nasty, exactly the kind of child i dont like. He does things he knows will annoy me, he listens to NOTHING i say. I am a stay at home mum and ive absolutely had enough. He hurts his baby sister on purpose all the time. Ive had thoughts of foster care although i never would. Ive tried reward charts, special time, smacking, time outs, naughty step, positive encouragement. The behaviour specialist says never shout, never s,mack, always praise, dont take anything away7, dont make him eat of he doesnt want, dont make him tidy away toys, only say no if you really have to....WHAT?? Ive even tried this and this does not work either. At the moment i find it so hard to look at him and have to force out every positive remark to him. I fake the friendly happy voice and force myself to spend time with him, through a gritted teeth smile. This is the hardest thing i have ever done. Im just trying to keep my head low and plow through this terrible time and one day ill wake up and he might be nice to me! I know exactly how you feel and you are not odd - just very brave to admit your felings. I would suggest spending more time with him however hard it is. Good luck!

[yesyesyes]

I have a 7yo son that I cannot stand to be around. There I said it.

He is always, always in trouble. Always. Irresponsible, untrustworthy, defiant...


He is a full on brat. Yes, a brat. Impulsive, hyper, annoying, defiant, and the list continues and continues. I have 3 other children YOUNGER than him, and he is by far, THE worst behaved child. I have an appt. this week to put him on meds (ADHD tendancies) because I am at the end of my rope with his 2yo-like behavior.

Yes, I am his Mother. Yes I love him as a son, but I hate his behavior. Call me immature, psycho, mental, or whatever, but I live with this every single day, and until you are in my shoes for one day, you will never understand my or Krissy13's view.

[jdtm]

I don't think you are immature, psycho, mental or whatever.  I think there is no place else to turn and your family (including your 7-year old) requires "rescuing".  Yes, this is when a child requires medication - when there are no options left.  I know; we have been there.  By the way - think of how awful life must be for your son.  He probably can't stand himself either.  To help ease your mind, research is beginning to show that children who require medication for certain disorders can actually lose brain cells when denied certain chemicals.  Often, these chemicals are found in the meds prescribed.  I don't know about your particular case, but in our case, the research is proving this to be true.

One more thing - a wise psychiatrist said that "medication does not change you, it corrects you".  Of course, this would be true only if the dose and meds were also right. By the way, it took three different meds at varying doses to find the "correct" fit for our child - but what a fit!  

[imanaddict]

It sounds as if the problem isn't with your child, it's with your husband and his lack of parental authority. Until he can be more consistent, the problem probably won't go away, and is making you look like the "Bad guy"  

I feel for you, I'm in the same boat with my stepson! I hope everything works out for you!

[mom21son]

krissy,
i think your husband is to blame for your childs behavior.  what does he do all day if he isn't parenting, doing activities, teaching your child?  you guys need some parenting classes so you can be on the same page.  why doesn't he work and you stay home?  if you guys aren't establishing boundaries with your child then he will continue to misbehave.  i can understand why you hide in the basement. you come home from work your husband hasn't done what he should be doing during the day and your child acts out because he is mad that you are gone all day and he knows if he shows his frustration to you, his mother, you won't reject him, but it sounds like you don't know how to deal with your situation.  even though you don't have a lot of finances there are free programs through the state and non-profit organizations that offer free parenting classes and support to parents.  you need a support system around you to help you deal with all of this.  he is at an age when he is testing his power and boundaries and that's normal.  if your husband doesn't set boundaries for him while you are at work he is in effect teaching him that he doesn't have to listen to authority and it's ok to mistreat his mom.  you have to get help.  there is a lot of help out there if you reach out for it.  if your husband is not on your team, maybe you need to seek a seperation.  your child sounds perfectly normal and i wouldn't pursue medication as i read in a previous post.  talk to your childs pediatrician to find some parenting groups and free parenting resources.  You are not alone.  there are a lot of people in your same situation.  my husband is not supportive and i am dealing with defiance in my 4 year old son as well.  you need help and encouragement.  why is your husband not working??  you would be better off getting aid from the state like welfare and working and sending your son to a preschool than leaving him at home in an unstructured environment with an apathetic husband. you are like a single parent already!  hang in there and seek help and get your husbands butt in gear.  if he refuses to participate in parenting there must be consequences for him too like you moving out with your son or him moving out.  do you have family near that can help you?  

[srb122498]

First of all let me say that I sympathize with you because I TOTALLY understand what you mean. On that note, let me say that it is NOT normal to not love your son. I reread your post, you never said you hated him, you said you wanted to love him. You said you couldn't stand to be around him. I think a little clarification on your part might help. I believe it's o.k. to NOT like your child!! They have their own personalities, and if I met my son somewhere else, I would not like him!! My personality and his just clash! I believe it is o.k. to SOMETIMES take a break from being around your son. Do you ever get a break from him, other than when you are at work? Something is wrong somewhere. It's up to you to try and figure it out. Maybe your husband needs to be more consistent. Maybe your husband needs to insist that your son respect you. What does he do when your son is being a smartmouth and not minding you? Is he on your side, or does he have a different parenting view than yours? There are some things my husband allows our kids to get away with that I don't agree with. He sometimes doesn't say anything when one of them smarts off to him, but he will if they smart off to me. But they still get smart alecky with me, and I think that if he was more consistent in the way they speak to him it would help. I am not a perfect parent. We all at times want to (and I know I sometimes do) just space or veg out. Sometimes you just get tired, and it's easier to not deal with something than to deal with it. On this point, the main thing is that you and your husband have to be a team, I would not suggest moving out, separating, or divorcing. You should never get a divorce because you can't agree on parenting techniques. It could be that there is stress between you and your husband. Your son could be picking up on this. The reason you work and he doesn't would help me to better help you on this. A little info on your relationship with your husband might help. Also, could you be depressed? One post said something about your son only being like that with you. But you did not say this. You said he's only like this at home. So, is he like this with your husband to? I would suggest you go into the basement and lock your self in, like you have done before, Analyze the situation. Be honest with yourself. If the problem is with you and hubby, talk to hubby, if you haven't already. If the problem is with you and hubby, and you have talked to him, maybe go to counseling by yourself. The one poster was right about free programs. I am a little confused about why you put this in your question. Does your son make comments about yall not having money? You said you'd thought about putting him in foster care to make him realize how lucky he is. I take this to mean that he in unappreciative. I can tell you that thay is normal kid behaviour. I just today told my husband I was thinking about calling a boy's home for my son (but that was just me venting because he was acting like a heathen brat!!). I love my son with everything in me. I would fight to the death for him if I had to. But I do not really like his personality. Nothing I can do about that. I can't change his personality. Just teach him right from wrong, and how to be a responsible, independent adult. I would love for him to be a nice person, but I can't force that, that's a personality trait. Parenting is hard. We don't always do everything right. I do teach my son how to treat people right, and he's only 8, so I still hope one day it will stick. But sometimes, (usually not very long--a few hours--a few day's--a few weeks) I just feel like giving up. And sometimes I do. He is my youngest son. I have 2 older. And these feelings I have for him are new. I never felt this way about the older 2. Did you really want a child? I can tell you, I did not want a 3rd child. I thought about abortion and adoption. When it came down to it, I couldn't do either. I believe children are a gift from God, but I do not believe you have to like them, Now, if you NEVER have any maternal feelings towards your son, something is wrong. But that doesn't neccassarily mean it's your fault. Like I said, maybe you jsut need a break from him, maybe you are depressed. Maybe you are tired from working. Who tends to your son when you come home. Where is your husband when you get home from work? I can see how after a day at work, you would wanna go to the basement and relax awhile. Your post wasn't really clear what you meant by this. Anyhow, I know this was long, but some people were really mean. And I didn't see another post from you. If you are still reading these, post again. Maybe we can exchange e-mails. Sometimes we just need somebody to talk to. Sometimes you just want to gripe, and vent, and say things in anger that you don't really mean, without being judged. Post again if you read my post. OH!  You also never said what you had him tested for. I am currently waiting for an apt. for my youngest son. My middle son is Bipolar and ADHD.

[louloub]

It is clear to me that this woman was having some serious issues and was looking for support and understanding at a very difficult time in her life, in addition to trying to reconcile perfectly natural feelings with those she felt she should be experiencing. I would put money on the fact that not one of you has ever felt something akin to: "This is all too much. I can't cope." Perhaps Krissy was depressed. Because she was disarmingly honest you all jump on the bandwagon and criticise. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

[Elizabeth944]

Have you considered that maybe your son acts so badly because he is starving for your attention? He doesn't care if it is positive or negative attention. Try going somewhere special, just you and him. Plan a day for the two of you. Don't hide from him. He will only get worse because you are ignoring him.

[Kele2432]

I have 18,  7 year olds in my classroom. I'm not a parent but I have been trained in behavior management throughout the years.  The biggest thing I have learned and has helped me is CONSITENCY!  You need to have rewards and consequences for the behaviors that you have identified as a problem.  You need to make sure that the rewards and especially the consequences are things that you CAN do everytime.  If you go over the top with your consequence in the heat of the moment, you will likely withdraw it... bad move!  When you need to implement a consequence, make sure that you say it in a neutral sort of way.  "Johnny, you made the choice to...... you should have....... we have agreed that the consequence for this action is ......"  (try not to act like these mothers I see on Nanny 911 and say HA, I CAUGHT YOU SUCKER!!!) Seem disappointed.  If you need to step away and blow your top, then come back to your child to implement to consequence, then step away!  Also, PRAISE good behavior!  Everytime that you see your child making the "right choice," praise them!  Children need lots of attention and they are going to get it one way or another.  Do not give up!!!  If you implement rewards and consequences that are used fairly and consistentley while you keep a calm and respectful demeaner, your child will come around.  Remember, it took 7 years for your child to develop these negative behaviors so it will take some time to turn it around. You can do it!

[Noda]

Please try to turn this around.  Take your son out of the testosterone filled home and do some things you might both enjoy.  He feels more than anything that your connection is challenged.  He is your flesh and blood and whether you believe it or not a mother and son's connection is one of the strongest bonds that will exsist.  Women need to be closer to our sons...we just have to figure out a way through to them.  He will come around.  He needs to know that you haven't given up on him.  You know you haven't or you wouldn't have written for help.
I wish you all the best.  I know your connection will be as strong as you both desire it to be.

[kathy41]

Dearest Krissy, after having had yet another terribly exhausting bout and trying day with my 7 yr old son, I allowed my feelings at the moment to simply flow and googled "I hate my son". I landed at this site.
How delighted I am to find your post because it shows me that there is some normality to this madness. You are not alone and I, for one, am very aware that the feelings we share regarding our children and the behavoiur our children are showing is a very complex issue. It certainly is easy to stand on the sideline and shout, "go right, go right!" and "now go left, go left!" (while the person on the field must also dodge flying objects).
Some of the positive advice I read could indeed bear some fruit and I, too, will try implementing some of it (e.g., setting up mom-time no matter how small). It is also helpful to be reminded that is not my son, but his behaviour &/or personality that drive me mad. Equally madenning, however, is my feeling of utter helplessness.  I keep trying different behavioural-improvement tactics (similar to some mentioned here, also for myself ) with no palpable success. My  frsutration makes me feel that I am failing as a mom. And it certainly is a feeling of failure that I feel when I sit perfectly perplexed there and try to come to terms with ugly emotions concerning my very own child, who is well liked by all outside of our home. I don't know what comes first: his winey, sensitive, fall-apart, baby-like, poor me behaviour or my rage. His behaviour  is like a spark that sets me aflame. I am not giving up, I am trying to find advice myself. I wish I could find something that would help me to bond with my son. There just isn't a lot we have in common - but that's why I will try the "mom-time" idea. I have two daughters (both younger than my son) and I get along with them just fine. But, they are girls and girls tend to be more mature and tick much more differently than boys. Apart from that, they just don't make a theatrical piece out of everything I say or ask them to do. My son always seems to want a battle with me and has a  melodramatic manner of exaggerating the facts . This is exhausting and extremely annoying... creates animosity not bonding. I encourage you, as I try to encourage myself, to keep seeking the right answer and don't give up. My situation makes me sad, because I know it is not healthy for me nor for my son (emotional scars). I just wish I could find the right wavelength to reach my son. We are so different and there is not a lot I like about his behaviour when around me. I wish I could change myself - zing! I'm trying to find out where I too must change (for example, being less critical of him, not to mention of myself). Not an easy process; especially because he is just so talented at throwing on the cloak of behaviour that sends me thru the roof! and makes me loose my cool. My life is busy (whose isn't right?). I do not spend a lot of one-on-one time with my son alone, but with the family as a unit. From reading this site, I may conclude that he is probably asking for one-on-one time with me. This is difficult because I'm always busy making life run smoothly for the whole family. My husband is often travelling and when he's here he is more of a pal for the kids than a mean ol' mom whose job it is to implement the rules, teach right from wrong, assure that this, that and the other gets done by the kids, etc. Personally, I have had little time to just hang around and watch the flowers grow with the kids. But somehow, something has got to change. Because this is no fun and being a parent should not mean being miserable or feeling lousy about yourself all the time.
Even if I haven't an answer to this dilemma, I feel better knowing that I am not alone. I wish you luck!

Kathy

[pantspooper]

Hey don't give up, you are not alone. I know life is tough and you're been really honest saying you don't like him. I really don't know your entire situation but I guess you need sometime for healing with your kid. I don't want to jump into conclusions but I would go deeper in what happens between the kid's dad and him when you're not around, if the dad doesn't show respect for you in their conversations, that could be a cause. I guess some time alone with him and some counseling would help. I know times are tough but we all need to make sacrifices. Start trying to praise him for good things he does, also talk to him make him know you have feelings, probably he thinks you don't like him and that's why he is like that with you.

[Indigoblue1969]

I Myself I have problem with my now 17 year old son.  Since my son was a small child he and I have had a difficult relationship.  I myself am bipolar, and had been working on a psychology degree when I had to quit school and become a fulltime mother.  For my son's first 6 years it was just he and I.  I knew that even at the age of 2-3 years old there was something just a bit out of the ordinairy in my son's behavior.  We clashed big time and all the time.  We saw counselors and therapists most of his childhood.  I had my daughter when he was six (absentee father - though they had the same father and that is another issue and another story).
Right from the start after my daughter was born my son's behavior became worse.  Specialists tried to tell me he was ADD or ADHD and well small medicine trials failed horribly and I switched to a psychiatrist who specialzed in children.  About this time a book had also come out called The Bipolar Child, which the Dr had me read.  We discussed my son's behavioral patterns since birth and my family history.  I also have a brother and sister that are bipolar.  He was astonished to find that no other Dr had every thought that perhaps my son had been displaying the early symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.  We did some medicine therpay with my son and started to see a world of difference.  But not enough to stop the major drama that seemed to be a constant in our lives.
When my son was 8 I had remarried, however that went south after a couple of years.  My ex had issues with anger and had started drinking a lot.  He started treatment but then stopped and his anger had become steadily more directed at my son and they often had huge battles that I had to intercede.  So I divorced him and became penniless and had to live with my parents for some time.  
In retrospect though living with my parents turned into a different nightmare I had to get my kids and I out.  My parents disagreed with my parenting saying I was being too strict in my expectations of my son so I was often undermined right in front of my son by them and even by my brother. This even observed many times by a social worker assigned to my son who made home visits to help my son develop better problem solving and communicaiton skills. This lack of support form my family and direct counters to undermine me only fueled my son's behavior problems and soon he didnt see me as an authority figure at all.
I have always felt I was hitting my head against a wall.
I then moved into a home of my own after a couple of years but my boyfriend moved in with us and often his two daughters came to stay also.  This added to the stress and strain with my trying to help my son and our relationship.  And again there were problems with my son interacting with another male in the house.
I ended up stopping that relationship also because the fights between my son and my boyfriend were increasing - and my ex boyfriend had also taken up drinking as a hobby and it was too much and I didnt want it around my kids.
So for the past year it has been just my son and I and my daughter.  My brother has come in from time to time to help negotiate difficulties with my son and I though this is also a double edged sword wince my brother still undermines me from time to time and my son sees this lack of respect to me.  He is old enough now though for us to discuss it and he recognizes himself that it is wrong, but there are times when only talking to my brother helps him calm down from a major mood swing.
My son and I love each other but we dont like each other at times.  Both of us admit to this.  He has other problems besides the bipolar, such as OCD, ODD and some ADD tendencies.  He is very high maintenance at times.  He only has one close friend and doesnt usually get along with others.  He is small in stature and though he is almost 17 he is experiencing what they call delayed development.  He has the body of a 13 years old and very often the maturity.  On the flip side.......He is in a special high school for kids with problems though most of the kids there are ones who have been in trouble with the law or what have you....this school however has been a godsend to us.  His grades went from failing (in a reg high school) to almost all straight A's.  He is on the student council and all his teachers rave about him.  They are even thinking of sending him and paying for him to take some college courses in his 11th year for math and science since he has completed everything they can offer him already.
The thing is and this was a hard one for the both of us.  He feels I dont love him, and we have discussed this and with counselor and even my brother as a mediator.  I simply can not give him all the love and attention he wants.  My bipolar really isnt the issue at this point but I do have Fibromyalgia (diangosed 8 years ago) and it has become very hard on us all.  So even though he knows I love him, he knows I cant give him all he wants for attention.  He gets jealous still of his sister who is such a different personality that she and I get along great most of the time and she is very independent and low maintenance.  
I am not good with needy people, and I mean really needy people, and unfortunately with my son he is very needy.  We are still working though on our relatinship. and We have talked about my not liking his behavior at times, but that I still love him.  We shall see what the future brings.....But what I wanted al add most to parents who have children with high needs and talk about praising their child.  
Let me offer you some good advice.  Children with high needs or those who feel neglected often do not take well to praise tiself.  Praise is a value statement.  Value staments do not fit well with children who have these problems because they will not see themselves as good, or great or anything but negative.   So value statements mean nothing to them because the dont fit into the childs perception of themselves.  INSTEAD, learn to make non value comments.  Lets say you want your child to clean their room and they actually do it.  Instead of saing "you did a good job cleaning your room, thank you." (which is a value statement) say instead something like "You cleaned your room." and leave it at that.  The child will hear the words and since there is no value added they can process it with out trying to make it fit into their perception of themselves.  This actually allows them to feel good about themselves and their actions because you NOTICED with out  judgement something they did.
That little trick is hard to do but the pay off is huge.
I hope this helps some of you parents out there.  Communication is so important with our kids. and Human kindness to each other is essential.  I read how some of you reacted and I was shocked aby the lack of understanding and kindness to a mother seeking help.  Maybe she didnt use the right wording but so what.  It made me wonder if your reaction to her wrong choice of words in YOUR opinion showed a sneak glimpse of how you might react to your children if they say something you dont like the wrong way?  Food for thought hmmmm.

[Mumto2Boys]

The fact that your son behaves well at school/sports tells me he's picking up on conflicts within your relationship with your husband and it's creating a vicious behavior cycle. Family counseling is a good idea - your husband needs to be on the same page as you so you can have a united front. Kids are so smart that they pick up on the slightest conflicts and react to them. Is your job stressful too? It's hard to like your son's behavior (trust me, I can relate to this one!!) but it is your responsibility to make it a priority and just get over it. Don't dwell on it and take it personally, but definitely see a family counselor who can guide you three to better behaviors as a family. The solution is not as hard as you think.

[Kele2432]

Going to family counseling is great advice.  I hope krissy takes it.

[margypops]

Family conseling needed here, a parent coming in and going into a basemnet to avoid her child needs some help ,help is required for all three..

[margypops]

sorry I can spell, counseling and basement .... see

[sadmum59]

Hi Krissy, I too am having the same feelings as you so you are not alone.  My son is now going on 19 and still at home.  As a young child and up to a few years ago we had a good relationship and he was basically a good, respectful boy although messy around the home and wouldn't offer any help with chores but I put that down to a "boy" thing.  Since he turned 17 he has changed into a monster and I find myself disliking him as a person.  He treats our home like a hotel and I am the maid, he works for our business (no one would have given him a job because of his school record - no interest in school because he found it all too hard to apply himself) and takes advantage of us, especially his farther who is very soft on him and lets him get away with everything because he had a hard childhood (parents were divorced and mothe was very poor).  His ex-girlfriend is pregnant - he doesn't seem to realise the consequences/responsibilities of that and tonight he came home vomiting because he's had too much to drink  and is laying in his bed with some other girl.  I find myself being very negative around him now and talking to him badly because I don't like him. I don't have one nice thing that I can say about him at the moment.   I hate doing this and I feel like I must be an aweful mother but I can't help it - I have given up on trying to give him sensible advice or even having an adult conversation with him - any advice I do try to give him particularly when it comes to him impending fatherhood always ends up with him saying "I'm an adult now and I'll do what I want".  Both his father and I have helped him out so much - both financially and emotionally - I have gone "into bat" for him so many times with his teachers when they suggested he leave school at age 15, stood by him with every sport he ever wanted to do as a child and teenager, spending many weekends taking him around to various sports (he raced go-karts and motorbikes) and now this is they way he behaves.  I can completely understand how you are feeling but at your son's age it is not too late to build a better relationship.  If am feeling that, at 19, there is nothing that I can do if he continues down this road and I am basically ready to give up even speaking to him and letting him sort his own messy life out but at the end of the day, I wished more for him and now he is just breaking my heart with his attitude and behaviour.

[Kele2432]

I think its time to tell your son to ship up or ship out.  Get your husband on board with the idea.  You can't continue to let him treat you that way.  

[mommatialuv]

Hi Krissy,
About  a year and a half has passed since your original post, I hope  you and your son are doing better, It is hard to be positive when someone says they dont like their child. I think you need some intervention, counseling for yourself and your family. maybe  you are not cut out to be a parent ,but maybe you just need some skills. I recommend finding a  family counselor that works with your  insurance or on a sliding scale. Children are our most precious gifts, that does not mean that parenting cant be overwhelming. We all need some help some time, it is vital if you want your son to grow into a well adjusted man and someday.,.. father. Please talk to a professional, you, your husband and or your son may be suffering from depression that affects the whole family. If you find out you cant parent, please  let him go to someone that can. Not eveyone that creates children can be parents, love is necessary, but alone is not enough,
I love flowers, but they die in my home, I dont know how to nurture and grow them.

[bckitten]

I have a 7 year old and a 4 month old. I'm 45 and lead, as many of you comment, a very 'busy' life.
My son also gives me a great deal of trouble on occassion. It's getting better... For awhile, it was daily, non-stop. Both at home and at school. then we set up a 'consequences and rewards' program. We explained it to him ~ how the consequences would work, when he would get a reward.
It's not perfect. Sometimes I lose my cool and go overboard with the consequences (one timeout means no toys for the day - NONE-  but when I lose control, he's grounded to the house *and* no toys ~ means he REALLY pissed me off~) He has a heightened sense of justice and points out when I go against the rules. To set a good example, I agree I lost my cool, but I DO NOT reverse the consequences. I carry through, I just tell him I will do better next time. I know I'm not perfect and maybe I could handle this better. there are days I HATE his behaviour and I tell him so... I also tell him that I may be very angry, but I still love him.
We have a lot better days now. The challenges only come up occassionally ~ sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes it's one flare-up and done.
I make sure he's rewarded and those rewards also turned his behaviour around at school because it gave the teacher tools as well. For instance, Wednesday night is game night, Friday night is movie night and Sunday is either dirt biking or bmx-ing. He has lots of little rewards, too, but they are all ones he 'earns' with his choices of behaviour. I make sure I always tell him he chose the behaviour knowing the consequences, so he chose those too.
It's a struggle. today I honestly wanted to throttle him. It drives me nuts when he looks at me quite coolly when I tell him to do something and he just says 'no', then waits for my reaction. They are soooo good at pushing buttons!!
Time and patience. No one has it on their headstone that they wished they'd spent less time with their children...
In the end, he is my son and I love him and all the struggles, all the challenges are worth it.
BTW ~ neither of the boys are mine biologically. They are my great-nephews by birth but their mom is mentally disabled. I couldn't love them any more than I do...I love them enough to keep trying. And neither shows signs of her challenges. Quite the opposite, the seven year old quite often outsmarts us!!! LOL

[Harmond]

      I agree to those who mentioned that the problem is not with the child. The title itself tells alot. The first sentence even solidifies the issue. It is not that the child is not likable, or is behaving in an unacceptable way. It is the mom that has an issue towards herself. I'm sorry to say this but to lock yourself in a basement is your reaction to what's happening around you. The mom also reacted negatively to the commetns of some of the members. Let's put it the opposite way. Maybe it is the mom's behavior that is not likable since other people perceive the child to be a likable child as mentioned above. Why don't you try consulting an expert as a family and not as individuals.

[BeckyKilbourn]

Listen people can be hard on other Parents but I got a little ticked when I heard you don't like your son and you hide from him....Foster care may be where he will end up at.  Keep saying things like that and CPS will take him away.  You can't just put him in Foster Care because you do not want to deal with him...Please wkae up and help that little man...I have a 10 yr old Daughter who I am fighting for every second of every day.  She is seeing so many people right now as I am geting ready to take a parenting class and anger managemeny classes with her.  I have 4 kids and I make sure I have time for each and everyone of them.  What kind of life are you offering this baby to be away from him all day then come home and hide from him...This will make him pull farther away from you.  Maybe others like him so much because they take the time to talk to him, praise him for doing good on a test, or he played real good in a sport.  This is not about you dear.  This boy should be your first priority in life.  Help him or loose him...Good Luck hun

[Trinty425]

My family has a saying..."We may not always LIKE each other but we will always LOVE each other".  The fact that he seems to be well behaved and well liked by everyone except you should say something about your individual relationship with him.  I have done home daycare for a long time and have taken classes.  And if you don't give a child attention, enough attention, or the attention they crave and need from you...then they will do anything to get attention....whether it is good or bad.  You say you work all day...and then spend all night in the basement.  No attention at all to your son??  Also foster care doesn't equal bad.  There are many foster parents who are wonderful people, and do great things for the children they care for.  I personally tho cannot understand how someone can say they have "no feelings" for their own child.  It really makes me think that the problem lies with you and not your child.  I would not suggest medication. Since his behavior is great with everyone but you.  I would have a family discussion...and possibly family counseling.  A professional looking in may see where the problem lies where you can't.  But remember he is your son.  You may not like him, but assure him that you will ALWAYS love him!  

[kimmerbm69]

i have a child who is nine and yes she is very hard to deal with would i trade her for the world no.  i have had all the problems you all are talking about with your children with her. I found a book call Have a new Kid by friday.  I swore I would never read a book about kids.  This is the best book i ever read.  She is a different child. You have to discipline yourself with it and for about two weeks you life will be hell then all of a sudden it is a peaceful world and you wonder what happened to your child.  It works get and read it please.  I know therapy, medicine, and things of the sort is necessary somethimes but a lot of times it is us as parents.  I never realized what i was doing or not doing until i read the book and I said that is me about every second sentence.  I can't say enough about.  You have to be desciplined also.  

Kimmer

[Encephalomalcia]

Sorry you feel this way about your son.  I also know a friend of mine that felt that way about her son and she was the most caring, thoughtful person I know.  From experience, when a parent thinks a child is behaving badly, they usually will continue to behave the way the parent is expecting, badly.  Some questions I have is:  What is he doing besides being mouthy?  Do you have a lot of laughter and fun times in your household?  Do you set limits for him?  Children at the age of 7 are mouthy, back-talking and trying to push their parents to their limit.  Age 7 is probably the hardest age.  First, I would show me that the household can be fun.  Have a good time. Laugh, joke, have family night where you play board games.  If he is mean and mouthy, let him know that you are not going to put up with it.  You can raise your voice and let me know or you can send him to his room so he can think it over.  Explain to him that being mouthy creates stress and you would rather have a happy home not a stressful home.  If the back talking continues, you can add household chores.  Tell him that if he's mouthy, then he has enough energy to wash the kitchen floor.  Make sure he does it.  Watch him while he does it to make sure that he is not going to get out of it.  Next, talk to your husband, because he is the real problem here.  He needs to set limits and make sure that his son is not being disrepectful to him.  This is going to take some time and will be hard, but worth it in the years to come.  Remember this is your childs childhood and he will always remember it.  Take care.  

[Gramms47]

You must be exhausted.  Why not take some time out just for you?  After work, go to a movie with a friend or alone.....rather than going to the basement.  You deserve that much.

Your son is crying out for parental connection - that means both parents and comments of needing to be on the same page is correct.  If your son sees his mom and dad as partners (same letters different words) it brings a calmness to his world.  Hugs and kisses between mom and dad usually brings a smile to the kids.  

I always felt routine was a must.  Made his world turn at the same speed every day and you'll find yours will be better too.

I remember when my 5 year old came home from a birthday party rather sad.....asked him what happened and he said his friend's mommy didn't love him (his friend was the birthday boy)....oh, why?  well he kicked his little brother and his mommy didn't even care !!!!  Kids really do have it figured out.

Try and make your house - your home - mom & dad and child.  I think you'll be surprised about the outcome.  

Again, get your husband involved.  I love to watch Nanny 911 - sure makes sense.

[sunflower7]

You better get a hold of your husband and both of you need to be on the same page here before he gets anyolder because it becomes harder the older they get. Go and get a third party involved to help you with parenting skills for this - Your being robbed of the joy of being a mother. Kepp the love coming instead of running to your safe place - I know this wont be easy - hang in there and dont give up - never give up

[mwalsh1]

its been a year or so since krissy has been on here ,she must of felt so disheartened by all the negatives . I have a 4 year old son and it is without doubt a uphill struggle he is aggressive rude attitudey and just generally feels like it does not stop . Admittly he has the odd loving moment but then turns into this child from hell, he can sit on your lap and be giving you a cuddle and bang he is pulling your hair. And yes when he stays at my mum s i dread going to pick him up yes that sounds horrid but unless your in that boat you wouldn have a clue . He is not my only child i have a 19 yr old son who in the whole of his life has never caused me or anyone any trouble is polite and everything everyone wants there kids to be. As a big brother even he is at a loss with his little bro and he is i know at times so annoyed at the person i have become since his bro was about 2 cause im always tired stressed crying and not the mum i was . Hopefully krissy has managed to sort what was wrong and her and her son are closer now x

[Rayna372]

I found this post by Googling, "I don't like my 7-year-old daughter." I want to like her, and I want to feel attached and bonded to her, but I don't. Years ago, before we had any of her siblings she was my whole world and I don't know how we've gotten to where we are now.

She doesn't listen to a thing I say, and is rude, disrespectful, unappreciative, and unkind. When we go out in public, she whips my 4-year-olds into a frenzy of hyper behavior, and she is more embarrassing than any of the smaller ones because she should know better.

I have no idea what to do.

As for the moms commenting that they have thought about sending their kids into foster care (temporarily), I have fantasized about it too. I'd never really send her away, obviously, but she is so disruptive to our household that it is easier when she is gone visiting relatives or at school.

My end goal is for my daughter to be a functional adult and a decent person. I know that my lack of attachment to her isn't good for her, so somehow I have to form this bond or fake it effectively, and I don't know how. So much of parenting is shooting from the hip, and it is very hard for me to fake emotions in stressful situations, like when my daughter is misbehaving in public. I have no idea how to form a bond with her when she is someone I do not enjoy spending time with.

My husband struggles with her as well, but not as much as I do. My parents think she can do no wrong, and apparently she behaves well at school, but I think other adults dislike her a bit too. I can't tell for sure and naturally I'm not going to outright ask anyone, but I am fairly sure it is not just me. I'm not a fantastic mom, but I am bonded with and attached to my other children. And I have moments of tenderness toward her, but I feel like it ought to be more than that.

Anyway, I mostly wanted to post this so other people who found this page after a desperate Google search would know they aren't alone.

[specialmom]

Hi,  your post made me a little sad.  I hope that you can find a way to relate to your daughter and appreciate her.  You sound very busy as a mom with a few kids (not sure many but sounds like more than 1 other and they must all be close in age which tires out anyone).  

Perhaps you could actually schedule some one on one time with her to do something fun.  She may feel like at one time she was your pride and joy and you describe her similarly to that before your other children were born.  Now she is the older one who gets on everyone nerves.  She probably wishes she were like the little ones deep down inside.  But if you had an outing maybe every other week where just the two of you did something like go to lunch, movie, or something----  maybe a relationsip can be built.  I know it is hard when you have other kids and to find the time for this and perhaps sounds dreadful considering your current feelings torwards her----  but I suspect that she would just LOVE this kind of attention and might surprise you and become the daughter you remember.

Also, and don't take this the wrong way, often times when we have such a reaction to someone----  we see something of ourselves in them. If this is the case, it is an opportunity to help her and help yourself overcome something.  It may take a while to figure out what this could be but often strong reactions to an individual like this is for that reason.  

Lastly, the usual stuff.  Catch her doing things right and make a HUGE deal out of it.  Give her a special job as the big sister when you go out making a big deal that you count on her---  you are in charge of making sure that "joey" stays really calm in the store today.  Maybe she can even earn her one on one time . . .  I wouldn't dwell on your negative feelings torwards her too much (she'll sense it) and it just makes it worse.  Try not to talk out loud about it to others.  It's like telling a friend that you don't like your husband----  you're usually sorry you did and you gave that person all kinds of reasons to not like your husband and you ended up making yourself REALLY mad at him by reminding yourself of all his bad points during the process.  Think about what is good about her and make a list.  Look at it on bad days.  

Good luck, and I hope you work this out.  

[pood]

accordiing to dr.phil everybody goes through this and just because she actually said it out loud doesnt mean she is a bad parent!  there has been many times that my 4 yr old gets me to the point i just dont know what to do with him. he is a 4 yr going on 16.  i feel for the parents that just get the point they just dont know their elbow from their ***.  i also have 2 younger sons n they all have their faults but just remember this that you kids grow up fast so dont swet the small stuff. i will admit my boys r very spoiled but i was once told that a child is never spoiled because you can never over love a child. so i guess my boys are loved. hang in there to all the parent that have issues because you not alone even if you feel that you are

[aspiemom]

i came across this as i was looking for info on a 4 year olds behavior.i am a mother of 7 children raging from four to 26.i just want to offer some words of experience...until 6 years ago i was a single mom because my BF was an alcoholic not a mean one but i didn't want my children raised around drinking and arguing yelling etc.i don't drink.i never went out didn't drink didn't have men over..i baked i made toys and crafts i taught my kids good values i talked to them i loved them i wasn't very consistant and that is the key word. i was always there for them..first of all i have had a few similar situations.my oldest is a girl..she was i won't say badly behaved but would push all the right buttons.i felt like i didn't like her at times.we fought constantly nearly all her life even when she was as young as two.i finally put my foot down with her about 3 years ago when she was 23 and she respected me for that and the fighting stopped.she is like my best freind now.anyway to pool i just wanted to say i have a 24year old son who has struggled with drugs and anger control and fighting and has been jailed.my 20 year old son is an alcoholic and a risk taker and has been tazered and hospitalised in cuffs for being out of control.my daughter has been in abusive relationships.how did they turn out like this..i don't know all i did was love them to death...sound familiar..i was so worried they would be mad at me so i was too soft with them..they suffered in the end.don't get me wrong they all love and respect me like you wouldn't believe but i feel responsible for not being consistent.i also have 4 younger children.my 13 year old son was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome after years of violent angry temper tantrums suicide threats..it was hell hes been on lots of meds and we were told he would be worse as a teenager but he is now off the meds and doing well no more bad behavior.i have a 4 year old that is out of control but i am always praising him for anything good he does.i never feel like i don't like him though.i will be taking him to be tested.my other two are girls age 8 and 11.they are pretty good but my 8 year old screams and yells all the time and my 11 year old is quiet and shy but when she gets mad she almost has a breakdown.they get me so worked up sometimes i don't know what to do and dread what the teenage years will bring.i just try to be there for them, talk to them, do things with them.thats all most kids want is for their parents to set guide lines andpay attention.so i guess what i am trying to say is let your kids know you love them but you have to be their parent not their freind.make sure you are consistent with disipline and carry out what you say will be the consequense for their behavior.always point out the good in them and praise them when they do something good.i am hoping by changing my parenting my younger kids won't go throught the pain my older ones have suffered with their problems.

[vhc09]

aspiemom that is a very wise post, thank you for sharing your experience. you are so right on about being consistent, strict but loving too.

[vhc09]

krissy if you are still reading these posts, i had one thought, the first thing you said is "how can I pretent to like my son?" that may be the key. pretend to like him and the true feeling may follow. when we feel liked we act more likeable. i think you can turn this around. maybe try playing with him, pretend you are his aunt. pretend you don't have to discipline him for a while. i think you are a good mom, just having a rough spell. good luck!

[lilmissminx]

this post really caught my attention and hurt me!! just think yourself lucky u have a child, your OWN flesh and blood!!! its not that easy to have children for someone like me. SORT OUT A SET ROUTINE FOR YOUR CHILD!! GET COUNSELLING!!! ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES OR SOMETHING. your child seems to know how you feel and is picking up on your behaviour (kids can sense this) and putting all his will and effort into getting you attention in a negative way. the same negativity as you show towards him. take him to a parent+child class. go out with family with him, maybe with another child too and prove to him that you care by a day of listening, explaining that your sorry for not paying him attention, in a way thats not harsh on either of you, AND PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE HIM KNOW HIS MUMMY (YOU KRISSY13) LOVES HIM VERY MUCH!!

[momof2anddone]

I think alot of parents feel the same as you.  I have a hard time admitting it but I also feel this way alot of the time about my 2 1/2 year old son.  I am constantly wondering if he has some kind of problem that needs to be professionally addressed.  I try to dismiss his aggressive, hyper, super-clingy behavior as that of a normal 2 year old - but it is so super frustrating.  I do not even want to think of him as a seven year old in case the only difference is that he is stronger.  He is constantly trying to hurt his older sister.  I feel much more isolated and resentful since I've had my son because I never know when he is going to have the next high pitched screaming outburst.  It's easier to stay home.  Everyone in my family suffers because I am out of energy and frustrated dealing with this crazy behavior all the time.  He laughs at most forms of punishment including time-outs and spankings.  He hardly cares about me taking things away since we have so many toys anyway.