DON'T LIKE MY SON

How can I pretend to like my son?  He's 7 years old and is a smart mouth and does the opposite of what I say ALL THE TIME.  I've punished him but it doesn't help.  I work and my husband stays home with him.  I know my husband needs to be more consistent and supply more structure and dicipline but he doesn't.  I get to the point where I go down to the basement right when I get home from work, shut the door and stay there all night.  I can't stand to be around him.  What should I do?  I want to love him and I find myself bonding with other kids because they act the way I would like my son to act.   I'm so lost, what should I do?

[April2]

I think you're confusing his behaviour with who he is as a person. You don't love his BEHAVIOUR. You hate his BEHAVIOUR. It's not him you don't love, it's his behavious. You've got to seperate the two. He is your child, a part of you. There are many times I don't like the way my daughter acts. And sometimes I feel like I don't even like her very much (when she's acting badly). However, I KNOW it's her behaviour I don't like. I DO love her. She's my daughter and I'd give my life for her. Now that we've established that, you need to work on his behaviour. If you don't like the way he acts, then address the problem. No one said it's easy to be a parent. It's the hardest job in the world. But you don't have the option of just "checking out" like you're doing. How is that helping him? Did you think about the possibility that he may be acting up more to try and get your attention? Kids are funny that way. It doesn't make sense to us as adults, but kids don't act like we do. If he's getting a reaction out of you, then he'll keep up the behaviour. He may increase it too when you ignore him. He's trying to get your attention! He's crying out for your love and attention! YOU have to be the adult here. I don't know what kind of punishments you've tried but they're not working. You need to sit him down and go over the rules with him in a calm manner. Tell him what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Then start a reward chart with him. If he does the things he should, reward him with a sticker. Explain to him that after he's earned so many stickers, that he will get a special treat like going out with mom for ice cream or something. Give him something to look forward to. You say he's a smart mouth. He may be trying to be a clown to get laughs. Just explain calmly that he can't talk back to you or his daddy or teacher or any adult. If he disobeys, then he gets something taken away. But make sure you also give him rewards for good behaviour. He needs goals, something to look forward to. Kids need and crave praise and validation. Look for ways to praise him. If he brings home a good grade, praise him. If he cleaned his room without asking, praise him. If he's playing quietly by himself, thank him for being so good. It may take effort to begin with, but look for ways to praise him. The more you do this, the more he will try and please you. It may take awhile and it will take a lot of patience and work from you, but isn't it worth it? You are raising a human being here. That's the most important job in the world.

[RockRose]

Krissy - your post is so interesting because it's the flip of the usual husband/wife battle.    There are so many men who don't come home until the children are in bed,  or if they come home they hide in the house where the kids can't find them,  because the kids are unlikeable.  (And there's also the percentage of fathers who can't tolerate any kind of boistrous kid behavior,  so they seclude themselves because they are unsociable).

I think you need to have your son tested and in therapy if he's as unlikeable as you say.  The fact that you're bonding with other kids is an indication that you really like children,  and tolerate shenanigans,  but this boy is way way over the line.

Get him tested.

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

Oops,  I didn't finish my post.  

Do other people find him impossible to be around?  Grandparents,  teachers,  peers?  Is it just you who doesn't like him,  or is it that his behavior is such that no one wants to be with him?

[Krissy13]

I've had him tested, he's fine and he's very well behaved in school.  I've even asked the teachers if they are actually talking about MY son at conferences because he is so different.  I went to one of his soccer games and EVERYONE loves him but at home, he's an animal.  The problem with us is that my husband is always his friend and not his parent.  I feel like a single mother with a husband!  I sometimes want to put him into foster care on a temporary basis (but not tell him that) so he might realize just how lucky he really is.  We are very poor but we are very blessed to have what we have.  I just have NO feelings for my son, am I completely abnormal?

[April2]

The fact that he's only doing it around you tells me a lot. He is looking for attention from you. See if you can sit down with your husband and tell him your concerns and ask him to try and be on the same page as you as far as discipline, etc. goes. My husband's kinda the same way. He's the fun dad. I usually have to be the disciplinarian. But you know what? My kids act like they respect me more. I don't let them talk back to their dad, but they listen to me more.
Have you tried the things I've suggested? The reward chart tends to work well for kids his age. It's just a suggestion.

[nastursim]

Have you ever thought that maybe the problem lies with you and not your son??  You lock yourself in the basement when you come from work??? My gosh, how much time do you give this poor boy, if any?? He is obviously starved of your affection and is trying the only way he knows to get your attention, and still you push him away?? Maybe he would be better off in a foster home surrounded by people who love him and want him!! I know how tough boys can get, I have a 7 year old myself, but his behaviour only pushes me to want to help him more, not give him away and hide from him. You maybe not abnormal not having feeling for him, but maybe you should have thought about that before you brought him into this world. He is your responsibility, but if you cannot love him, please give him to somebody who will, for his sake, because he deserves it, not you!!

[AHP84]

Wow, what a post.
Krissy, help us out here. What DO you do to be a parent to him? How have you addressed his bad behaviors, what kind of discipline have you used (well, before you decided to give up on him and lock yourself away in the basement)? And more importantly, what have you done for him to ever show him any *positive* attention (besides sitting on the sidelines of a soccer game once)?

I'll be honest with you, after reading your post, if you're for real, I'm appalled at how you handle being a parent. Of course you like other kids--you don't have to raise them. You see them for a brief time and then you don't have to deal with them as a parent. But when it comes time for you to step up to the plate with your own son, you are emotionally neglecting him. I guarantee you that he KNOWS you don't like him, and probably thinks you don't even love him.
And if you feel like a single parent with a husband, then so what! BE A PARENT anyway! Don't blame *your* issues with your son on anyone else, because the relationship you have with your son is between you and him and no one else. Put some effort into this!
Think of it this way if you're going to point fingers at your husband: children in divorced families get traded from one parent to the other. Say one parent is like you--expects the kid to fit a mold of behavior and qualities, yet doesn't do a damn thing to develop that in their kid, so that parent emotionally disconnects from the kid and what happens? The kid's behavior gets horrible and intolerable.
Then there's the other parent who has the kid the next week, and this parent dotes on the kid and takes interest in the things the kid likes. Say this parent is a moderate disciplinarian and could improve, but all in all, this parent is doing their part to raise a healthy, happy, likeable kid. But say this parent hates the other parent, and vice versa.
So the other parent claims they don't like the kid because the other parent has set the kid against them. Yet this parent is still doing absolutely NOTHING to emotionally bond with the kid. Oh, but it's so easy to point fingers at others and say, "I'm not responsible for this."

Grow up. And get some help for yourself so you can help your son, otherwise he's going to hate you right back in the very near future. Why don't you schedule an appointment with a family therapist. That would be a good place to start.

[Krissy13]

WOW.  I guess I didn't realize that I would get such negative feedback.  Thank you all for your honest opinions, I do appreciate them.  As far as being poor, we are but we have a house and our health.  I'll try harder, it's just so hard for me.  Winter will be here soon and that's when I do have some fun with him because I LOVE winter so we're outside alot on the weekends.  Thank you for the rewards suggestion.  I know about that but have never actually put one into action.  And I'm not a Troll, I really don't even know what that's suppose to mean.  

[Krissy13]

I will not be writing any more to this post.  Thank you again.

[AHP84]

Krissy, as far as negative feedback, I'm sorry, but I think you honestly could have expected it. You put a post up that was very negative about your own child.
You came right out and said you don't like him, that you can't stand being around him, you lock yourself away from him, you wish you could sometimes give him to foster care (and foster care is horrible, so I don't see how anyone could actually wish that on their child, if even temporarily), he acts like an animal, and you are bonding with other kids that are not your own.
Then you said your husband does not apply consistent, structured discipline for your son. Well, that sounds better than you giving up, doing nothing and locking yourself in the basement.
You didn't say one thing to indicate that *you* care enough to change his behavior, only that you want *him* to change so you can love him. You even confess to this when you said in your last post that you've *known* about positive reinforcement reward systems but you've never actually put one into action.
So as for "I'll try harder," please do, for your son's sake. He's a child who needs his mother, physically and emotionally. Locking yourself away from him, bonding with other kids, and wishing temporary foster care on him to "help him see how lucky he really is" is providing neither for your son.
I really think a family counselor could help you all develop a better relationship with one another. Seriously, get in contact with one and set up an appointment.

[nicand]

I don't want you to give up.  You are writing to a bunch of Mother Bears here...we just want what is best for all children...including yours.  I would suggest having mother-son time each week regardless of his behaviors.  Children need to know you will love them no matter what they do or how they act.  I agree that he is striving for your attention.  So give it to him in a positive way.  Then he will be less likely to act up during the week because he knows he will have his "mom time" say on Saturday.  Make this time fun but it doesn't always have to be something planned.  Even running errand with you on Saturday morning can be quality time.  

I would also suggest having supper as a family as often as possible.  Sitting around the table!  At supper give each family member an opportunity to talk about their day UNINTERUPTED.  Letting your son know that his day is/way important to you is important to him.  You can also share your day with your son and husband.  Even if you had a "bad" day.  They will then understand how your day was and give you space is you need it.

I respect your honesty.  I agree that it is his behavior you don't like though and I think you agree with that also and not that you don't like your son.  Sometime it is hard to distinguish the two!!

Best of luck!  

[jd1419]

One thing I would like to comment on--you say you are the one working and not your husband (nothing wrong with that) but is because he is laid off and looking or on disablity--I only bring this up for if he is totally depressed about not working and he takes it out on you by not respecting you or other things like that--your son may also be picking up this behavior that mom is supposed to be talked to this way....you may all benefit from a family meeting or even counseling to help all of you get over issues that you have.  And yes being a prent is not easy--and there is no reason for any parent ever to check out on their child---You need to be strong and consistent and have total ground rules set for all of you to follow.  If it is tough now, Winter is usually harder for everyone gets couped in the house when it gets cold out--so I would think that it would be a great time to work on the family.  Good Luck

[laura1977]

I am sorry, but I can't believe that you are actually complaining about your son.  His own mother states she doesn't like him.............. gotta say that is kind-of not right.  I mean it's not like you are saying you don't like his behavior, you are saying you don't like him.  Maybe he needs his mother.  
How do you expect your son to be a good kid when he feels his own mother who is suppose to love him above all others is against him?  
I think there is more to this problem then just your son.  Dig deeper into your family situation and you might find something.
You seem to not like the fact that women are disturbed by you saying you don't like your child?  Does it feel like the forum is against you?  Good now you know how your son feels, except we aren't your mother.

[pleshette]

Krissy don't let others get to you. I truely understand what you are talking about. I am a guardian of a child who is my sibling that i have raised for 4 years now. I feel the same way about coming home and wanting to or going to my room and close the door. And i sometimes finding myself not liking the child. And I honestly think that if she wasn't my sibling I would return her back to foster care. I have had every test done, put her in activities and is very attentive to her but her behavior is still terrible. I am not giving up, I have signed us up for therapy and a psychiartise(spelling). So far no change but she is only 5 and I still have some years to go before she becomes a teenager and then i really can't control her. so best luck.

[nastursim]

It is very obvious in your response to Krissy that you do have compassion. You in no way are saying that you have given up on your sister, quite the opposite to Krissy. At least you realize that she is only a child and that there is still hope for change. I know it is very tough to parent a challenging child, my own son threatens to kill me and my husband, but out of love for him, we continue on loving and trying to help him.

[Tracy87]

i think everyone is being very hard on you when writing on here i have a son at 4 and a half he is very hard work his tantrums are really bad and yes sometimes i say to myself i hate him because of the way he is acting everyone thinks my sons an angel but they dont live with him i love my son with all my heart but sometimes you just want to scream when they constantly keep misbehaving but there kids make the most of your son while you have him spend some time on your own with him i did that with my son and you see a different boy when you get to know what he likes and dislikes it may take some time but it does work i think you do love him give yourself a chance and dont listen to anyone on here not everyone bonds with their kids especially when they get away from the baby stage we forget they get older and it gets harder. dont hide away from your son spend time with him dont let your son think you dont like him you may regret it give yourself a chance.
get back to me and tell me how you get on.

good luck

tracy

[April2]

Wait till they become teenagers, hee hee. Then they will really test you on your love for them, let me tell ya!

[Tracy87]

no-one is perfect she is on here for advice not to get abused yes she may have said the wrong thing when saying she hates her son i think everyone has said something but it came out the wrong way. the people on here that are saying that krissy makes you sick im sorry but you make me sick for abusing this woman she came on here for help and all she is gettin is abused yes children are hard work i know i have a son and daughter and im only 20 yrs old i think the people on here should look at themselves use are bullies i just cant believe that someone came on here for help and she gets this no wonder she doesnt want to put another post in i wouldn't if i got that.

and just before anyone starts about my age yes im 20 but i have my own mind and i will speak it the way i like.

krissy i hope you get help with your son and BETTER advice

take care

tracy

[April2]

Yeah, I think people jumped the gun a little accusing her of being a troll. I think we have to be careful to get all the facts before we assume things.
If you noticed, I didn't abuse her. I tried to get her to see that it was his behavior she didn't like, not her son. I told her that because I wanted her to not take it personal. It's not him as a person, it's his behavior. When you realize that it's the behavior then you know there's hope because people can change their behavior with help.

[Tracy87]

i saw that what you said and i agree it just annoyed me with the person saying that krissy made her sick i felt she was being bullied  i agree it was the wrong thing to say but people on here want help not to get the abuse she got

tracy

[boosty]

first of all krissy, i am hoping youre still reading these comments at least. i appreciate your honesty and the fact that youre on here shows that you do love your son more than anything and you want to find a place to not only let out your emotions and anger, but to seek some help from women whom i am sure have felt anger towards their children countless times. i admire your courage to talk so honest. that comes from you being hurt, angry and tired, and frustrated. it could be angry at your husband for reasons unknown, your misbehaved son, and your hard day at work. adn you come home angry and the first place you come to talk was probably here to let out some steam. so your words were just out of anger i am sure. and how could the rest of you women not understand that? regardless of some women with their pride say, ALL of us do go through the times when you dont wanna deal with the moment of their misbehaving. sometimes you even want to strangle them. lol
but you love them with all your heart. parenting is hard. but what you need to know most of all right now is that every second that youre mad and hide away or neglect your child, scars him in some way. he is at an age where lots are going on with him and he needs to feel your love and care so much when you come through the door. change your reaction and mood for a couple of days and see if he continues his behavior. i am for certain he will change. be patient sweetheart. thats what being a woman means. we gotta learn to be patient mothers, husbands and all the above. dont get offended and dont stop talking on these posts. show your courage. there are lot of us here who do understand you and are here to really help instead of insult. i would like to hear you come back and acknowlege the ones who are here to help. let us know how youre doing and how your dear son improves with the love of his mother. remember, youre the most important human being, role model in his life! without you, he is nothing and without your love, he will never have the confidence and insurance to go on with the battles of life. a womans role in life is the most important. we spin the world around. be strong! and do seek for help. we are here for you. you are not being judge for your honesty .

[njh47]

Hi, i feel totaly the same as you. My 4 year olds behaviour makes me feel as though i dont like him at all. He is so mean and nasty, exactly the kind of child i dont like. He does things he knows will annoy me, he listens to NOTHING i say. I am a stay at home mum and ive absolutely had enough. He hurts his baby sister on purpose all the time. Ive had thoughts of foster care although i never would. Ive tried reward charts, special time, smacking, time outs, naughty step, positive encouragement. The behaviour specialist says never shout, never s,mack, always praise, dont take anything away7, dont make him eat of he doesnt want, dont make him tidy away toys, only say no if you really have to....WHAT?? Ive even tried this and this does not work either. At the moment i find it so hard to look at him and have to force out every positive remark to him. I fake the friendly happy voice and force myself to spend time with him, through a gritted teeth smile. This is the hardest thing i have ever done. Im just trying to keep my head low and plow through this terrible time and one day ill wake up and he might be nice to me! I know exactly how you feel and you are not odd - just very brave to admit your felings. I would suggest spending more time with him however hard it is. Good luck!

[yesyesyes]

I have a 7yo son that I cannot stand to be around. There I said it.

He is always, always in trouble. Always. Irresponsible, untrustworthy, defiant...


He is a full on brat. Yes, a brat. Impulsive, hyper, annoying, defiant, and the list continues and continues. I have 3 other children YOUNGER than him, and he is by far, THE worst behaved child. I have an appt. this week to put him on meds (ADHD tendancies) because I am at the end of my rope with his 2yo-like behavior.

Yes, I am his Mother. Yes I love him as a son, but I hate his behavior. Call me immature, psycho, mental, or whatever, but I live with this every single day, and until you are in my shoes for one day, you will never understand my or Krissy13's view.

[jdtm]

I don't think you are immature, psycho, mental or whatever.  I think there is no place else to turn and your family (including your 7-year old) requires "rescuing".  Yes, this is when a child requires medication - when there are no options left.  I know; we have been there.  By the way - think of how awful life must be for your son.  He probably can't stand himself either.  To help ease your mind, research is beginning to show that children who require medication for certain disorders can actually lose brain cells when denied certain chemicals.  Often, these chemicals are found in the meds prescribed.  I don't know about your particular case, but in our case, the research is proving this to be true.

One more thing - a wise psychiatrist said that "medication does not change you, it corrects you".  Of course, this would be true only if the dose and meds were also right. By the way, it took three different meds at varying doses to find the "correct" fit for our child - but what a fit!  

[imanaddict]

It sounds as if the problem isn't with your child, it's with your husband and his lack of parental authority. Until he can be more consistent, the problem probably won't go away, and is making you look like the "Bad guy"  

I feel for you, I'm in the same boat with my stepson! I hope everything works out for you!

[mom21son]

krissy,
i think your husband is to blame for your childs behavior.  what does he do all day if he isn't parenting, doing activities, teaching your child?  you guys need some parenting classes so you can be on the same page.  why doesn't he work and you stay home?  if you guys aren't establishing boundaries with your child then he will continue to misbehave.  i can understand why you hide in the basement. you come home from work your husband hasn't done what he should be doing during the day and your child acts out because he is mad that you are gone all day and he knows if he shows his frustration to you, his mother, you won't reject him, but it sounds like you don't know how to deal with your situation.  even though you don't have a lot of finances there are free programs through the state and non-profit organizations that offer free parenting classes and support to parents.  you need a support system around you to help you deal with all of this.  he is at an age when he is testing his power and boundaries and that's normal.  if your husband doesn't set boundaries for him while you are at work he is in effect teaching him that he doesn't have to listen to authority and it's ok to mistreat his mom.  you have to get help.  there is a lot of help out there if you reach out for it.  if your husband is not on your team, maybe you need to seek a seperation.  your child sounds perfectly normal and i wouldn't pursue medication as i read in a previous post.  talk to your childs pediatrician to find some parenting groups and free parenting resources.  You are not alone.  there are a lot of people in your same situation.  my husband is not supportive and i am dealing with defiance in my 4 year old son as well.  you need help and encouragement.  why is your husband not working??  you would be better off getting aid from the state like welfare and working and sending your son to a preschool than leaving him at home in an unstructured environment with an apathetic husband. you are like a single parent already!  hang in there and seek help and get your husbands butt in gear.  if he refuses to participate in parenting there must be consequences for him too like you moving out with your son or him moving out.  do you have family near that can help you?  

[srb122498]

First of all let me say that I sympathize with you because I TOTALLY understand what you mean. On that note, let me say that it is NOT normal to not love your son. I reread your post, you never said you hated him, you said you wanted to love him. You said you couldn't stand to be around him. I think a little clarification on your part might help. I believe it's o.k. to NOT like your child!! They have their own personalities, and if I met my son somewhere else, I would not like him!! My personality and his just clash! I believe it is o.k. to SOMETIMES take a break from being around your son. Do you ever get a break from him, other than when you are at work? Something is wrong somewhere. It's up to you to try and figure it out. Maybe your husband needs to be more consistent. Maybe your husband needs to insist that your son respect you. What does he do when your son is being a smartmouth and not minding you? Is he on your side, or does he have a different parenting view than yours? There are some things my husband allows our kids to get away with that I don't agree with. He sometimes doesn't say anything when one of them smarts off to him, but he will if they smart off to me. But they still get smart alecky with me, and I think that if he was more consistent in the way they speak to him it would help. I am not a perfect parent. We all at times want to (and I know I sometimes do) just space or veg out. Sometimes you just get tired, and it's easier to not deal with something than to deal with it. On this point, the main thing is that you and your husband have to be a team, I would not suggest moving out, separating, or divorcing. You should never get a divorce because you can't agree on parenting techniques. It could be that there is stress between you and your husband. Your son could be picking up on this. The reason you work and he doesn't would help me to better help you on this. A little info on your relationship with your husband might help. Also, could you be depressed? One post said something about your son only being like that with you. But you did not say this. You said he's only like this at home. So, is he like this with your husband to? I would suggest you go into the basement and lock your self in, like you have done before, Analyze the situation. Be honest with yourself. If the problem is with you and hubby, talk to hubby, if you haven't already. If the problem is with you and hubby, and you have talked to him, maybe go to counseling by yourself. The one poster was right about free programs. I am a little confused about why you put this in your question. Does your son make comments about yall not having money? You said you'd thought about putting him in foster care to make him realize how lucky he is. I take this to mean that he in unappreciative. I can tell you that thay is normal kid behaviour. I just today told my husband I was thinking about calling a boy's home for my son (but that was just me venting because he was acting like a heathen brat!!). I love my son with everything in me. I would fight to the death for him if I had to. But I do not really like his personality. Nothing I can do about that. I can't change his personality. Just teach him right from wrong, and how to be a responsible, independent adult. I would love for him to be a nice person, but I can't force that, that's a personality trait. Parenting is hard. We don't always do everything right. I do teach my son how to treat people right, and he's only 8, so I still hope one day it will stick. But sometimes, (usually not very long--a few hours--a few day's--a few weeks) I just feel like giving up. And sometimes I do. He is my youngest son. I have 2 older. And these feelings I have for him are new. I never felt this way about the older 2. Did you really want a child? I can tell you, I did not want a 3rd child. I thought about abortion and adoption. When it came down to it, I couldn't do either. I believe children are a gift from God, but I do not believe you have to like them, Now, if you NEVER have any maternal feelings towards your son, something is wrong. But that doesn't neccassarily mean it's your fault. Like I said, maybe you jsut need a break from him, maybe you are depressed. Maybe you are tired from working. Who tends to your son when you come home. Where is your husband when you get home from work? I can see how after a day at work, you would wanna go to the basement and relax awhile. Your post wasn't really clear what you meant by this. Anyhow, I know this was long, but some people were really mean. And I didn't see another post from you. If you are still reading these, post again. Maybe we can exchange e-mails. Sometimes we just need somebody to talk to. Sometimes you just want to gripe, and vent, and say things in anger that you don't really mean, without being judged. Post again if you read my post. OH!  You also never said what you had him tested for. I am currently waiting for an apt. for my youngest son. My middle son is Bipolar and ADHD.

[louloub]

It is clear to me that this woman was having some serious issues and was looking for support and understanding at a very difficult time in her life, in addition to trying to reconcile perfectly natural feelings with those she felt she should be experiencing. I would put money on the fact that not one of you has ever felt something akin to: "This is all too much. I can't cope." Perhaps Krissy was depressed. Because she was disarmingly honest you all jump on the bandwagon and criticise. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

[Elizabeth944]

Have you considered that maybe your son acts so badly because he is starving for your attention? He doesn't care if it is positive or negative attention. Try going somewhere special, just you and him. Plan a day for the two of you. Don't hide from him. He will only get worse because you are ignoring him.

[Kele2432]

I have 18,  7 year olds in my classroom. I'm not a parent but I have been trained in behavior management throughout the years.  The biggest thing I have learned and has helped me is CONSITENCY!  You need to have rewards and consequences for the behaviors that you have identified as a problem.  You need to make sure that the rewards and especially the consequences are things that you CAN do everytime.  If you go over the top with your consequence in the heat of the moment, you will likely withdraw it... bad move!  When you need to implement a consequence, make sure that you say it in a neutral sort of way.  "Johnny, you made the choice to...... you should have....... we have agreed that the consequence for this action is ......"  (try not to act like these mothers I see on Nanny 911 and say HA, I CAUGHT YOU SUCKER!!!) Seem disappointed.  If you need to step away and blow your top, then come back to your child to implement to consequence, then step away!  Also, PRAISE good behavior!  Everytime that you see your child making the "right choice," praise them!  Children need lots of attention and they are going to get it one way or another.  Do not give up!!!  If you implement rewards and consequences that are used fairly and consistentley while you keep a calm and respectful demeaner, your child will come around.  Remember, it took 7 years for your child to develop these negative behaviors so it will take some time to turn it around. You can do it!

[Noda]

Please try to turn this around.  Take your son out of the testosterone filled home and do some things you might both enjoy.  He feels more than anything that your connection is challenged.  He is your flesh and blood and whether you believe it or not a mother and son's connection is one of the strongest bonds that will exsist.  Women need to be closer to our sons...we just have to figure out a way through to them.  He will come around.  He needs to know that you haven't given up on him.  You know you haven't or you wouldn't have written for help.
I wish you all the best.  I know your connection will be as strong as you both desire it to be.

[kathy41]

Dearest Krissy, after having had yet another terribly exhausting bout and trying day with my 7 yr old son, I allowed my feelings at the moment to simply flow and googled "I hate my son". I landed at this site.
How delighted I am to find your post because it shows me that there is some normality to this madness. You are not alone and I, for one, am very aware that the feelings we share regarding our children and the behavoiur our children are showing is a very complex issue. It certainly is easy to stand on the sideline and shout, "go right, go right!" and "now go left, go left!" (while the person on the field must also dodge flying objects).
Some of the positive advice I read could indeed bear some fruit and I, too, will try implementing some of it (e.g., setting up mom-time no matter how small). It is also helpful to be reminded that is not my son, but his behaviour &/or personality that drive me mad. Equally madenning, however, is my feeling of utter helplessness.  I keep trying different behavioural-improvement tactics (similar to some mentioned here, also for myself ) with no palpable success. My  frsutration makes me feel that I am failing as a mom. And it certainly is a feeling of failure that I feel when I sit perfectly perplexed there and try to come to terms with ugly emotions concerning my very own child, who is well liked by all outside of our home. I don't know what comes first: his winey, sensitive, fall-apart, baby-like, poor me behaviour or my rage. His behaviour  is like a spark that sets me aflame. I am not giving up, I am trying to find advice myself. I wish I could find something that would help me to bond with my son. There just isn't a lot we have in common - but that's why I will try the "mom-time" idea. I have two daughters (both younger than my son) and I get along with them just fine. But, they are girls and girls tend to be more mature and tick much more differently than boys. Apart from that, they just don't make a theatrical piece out of everything I say or ask them to do. My son always seems to want a battle with me and has a  melodramatic manner of exaggerating the facts . This is exhausting and extremely annoying... creates animosity not bonding. I encourage you, as I try to encourage myself, to keep seeking the right answer and don't give up. My situation makes me sad, because I know it is not healthy for me nor for my son (emotional scars). I just wish I could find the right wavelength to reach my son. We are so different and there is not a lot I like about his behaviour when around me. I wish I could change myself - zing! I'm trying to find out where I too must change (for example, being less critical of him, not to mention of myself). Not an easy process; especially because he is just so talented at throwing on the cloak of behaviour that sends me thru the roof! and makes me loose my cool. My life is busy (whose isn't right?). I do not spend a lot of one-on-one time with my son alone, but with the family as a unit. From reading this site, I may conclude that he is probably asking for one-on-one time with me. This is difficult because I'm always busy making life run smoothly for the whole family. My husband is often travelling and when he's here he is more of a pal for the kids than a mean ol' mom whose job it is to implement the rules, teach right from wrong, assure that this, that and the other gets done by the kids, etc. Personally, I have had little time to just hang around and watch the flowers grow with the kids. But somehow, something has got to change. Because this is no fun and being a parent should not mean being miserable or feeling lousy about yourself all the time.
Even if I haven't an answer to this dilemma, I feel better knowing that I am not alone. I wish you luck!

Kathy

[pantspooper]

Hey don't give up, you are not alone. I know life is tough and you're been really honest saying you don't like him. I really don't know your entire situation but I guess you need sometime for healing with your kid. I don't want to jump into conclusions but I would go deeper in what happens between the kid's dad and him when you're not around, if the dad doesn't show respect for you in their conversations, that could be a cause. I guess some time alone with him and some counseling would help. I know times are tough but we all need to make sacrifices. Start trying to praise him for good things he does, also talk to him make him know you have feelings, probably he thinks you don't like him and that's why he is like that with you.

[Indigoblue1969]

I Myself I have problem with my now 17 year old son.  Since my son was a small child he and I have had a difficult relationship.  I myself am bipolar, and had been working on a psychology degree when I had to quit school and become a fulltime mother.  For my son's first 6 years it was just he and I.  I knew that even at the age of 2-3 years old there was something just a bit out of the ordinairy in my son's behavior.  We clashed big time and all the time.  We saw counselors and therapists most of his childhood.  I had my daughter when he was six (absentee father - though they had the same father and that is another issue and another story).
Right from the start after my daughter was born my son's behavior became worse.  Specialists tried to tell me he was ADD or ADHD and well small medicine trials failed horribly and I switched to a psychiatrist who specialzed in children.  About this time a book had also come out called The Bipolar Child, which the Dr had me read.  We discussed my son's behavioral patterns since birth and my family history.  I also have a brother and sister that are bipolar.  He was astonished to find that no other Dr had every thought that perhaps my son had been displaying the early symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.  We did some medicine therpay with my son and started to see a world of difference.  But not enough to stop the major drama that seemed to be a constant in our lives.
When my son was 8 I had remarried, however that went south after a couple of years.  My ex had issues with anger and had started drinking a lot.  He started treatment but then stopped and his anger had become steadily more directed at my son and they often had huge battles that I had to intercede.  So I divorced him and became penniless and had to live with my parents for some time.  
In retrospect though living with my parents turned into a different nightmare I had to get my kids and I out.  My parents disagreed with my parenting saying I was being too strict in my expectations of my son so I was often undermined right in front of my son by them and even by my brother. This even observed many times by a social worker assigned to my son who made home visits to help my son develop better problem solving and communicaiton skills. This lack of support form my family and direct counters to undermine me only fueled my son's behavior problems and soon he didnt see me as an authority figure at all.
I have always felt I was hitting my head against a wall.
I then moved into a home of my own after a couple of years but my boyfriend moved in with us and often his two daughters came to stay also.  This added to the stress and strain with my trying to help my son and our relationship.  And again there were problems with my son interacting with another male in the house.
I ended up stopping that relationship also because the fights between my son and my boyfriend were increasing - and my ex boyfriend had also taken up drinking as a hobby and it was too much and I didnt want it around my kids.
So for the past year it has been just my son and I and my daughter.  My brother has come in from time to time to help negotiate difficulties with my son and I though this is also a double edged sword wince my brother still undermines me from time to time and my son sees this lack of respect to me.  He is old enough now though for us to discuss it and he recognizes himself that it is wrong, but there are times when only talking to my brother helps him calm down from a major mood swing.
My son and I love each other but we dont like each other at times.  Both of us admit to this.  He has other problems besides the bipolar, such as OCD, ODD and some ADD tendencies.  He is very high maintenance at times.  He only has one close friend and doesnt usually get along with others.  He is small in stature and though he is almost 17 he is experiencing what they call delayed development.  He has the body of a 13 years old and very often the maturity.  On the flip side.......He is in a special high school for kids with problems though most of the kids there are ones who have been in trouble with the law or what have you....this school however has been a godsend to us.  His grades went from failing (in a reg high school) to almost all straight A's.  He is on the student council and all his teachers rave about him.  They are even thinking of sending him and paying for him to take some college courses in his 11th year for math and science since he has completed everything they can offer him already.
The thing is and this was a hard one for the both of us.  He feels I dont love him, and we have discussed this and with counselor and even my brother as a mediator.  I simply can not give him all the love and attention he wants.  My bipolar really isnt the issue at this point but I do have Fibromyalgia (diangosed 8 years ago) and it has become very hard on us all.  So even though he knows I love him, he knows I cant give him all he wants for attention.  He gets jealous still of his sister who is such a different personality that she and I get along great most of the time and she is very independent and low maintenance.  
I am not good with needy people, and I mean really needy people, and unfortunately with my son he is very needy.  We are still working though on our relatinship. and We have talked about my not liking his behavior at times, but that I still love him.  We shall see what the future brings.....But what I wanted al add most to parents who have children with high needs and talk about praising their child.  
Let me offer you some good advice.  Children with high needs or those who feel neglected often do not take well to praise tiself.  Praise is a value statement.  Value staments do not fit well with children who have these problems because they will not see themselves as good, or great or anything but negative.   So value statements mean nothing to them because the dont fit into the childs perception of themselves.  INSTEAD, learn to make non value comments.  Lets say you want your child to clean their room and they actually do it.  Instead of saing "you did a good job cleaning your room, thank you." (which is a value statement) say instead something like "You cleaned your room." and leave it at that.  The child will hear the words and since there is no value added they can process it with out trying to make it fit into their perception of themselves.  This actually allows them to feel good about themselves and their actions because you NOTICED with out  judgement something they did.
That little trick is hard to do but the pay off is huge.
I hope this helps some of you parents out there.  Communication is so important with our kids. and Human kindness to each other is essential.  I read how some of you reacted and I was shocked aby the lack of understanding and kindness to a mother seeking help.  Maybe she didnt use the right wording but so what.  It made me wonder if your reaction to her wrong choice of words in YOUR opinion showed a sneak glimpse of how you might react to your children if they say something you dont like the wrong way?  Food for thought hmmmm.

[Mumto2Boys]

The fact that your son behaves well at school/sports tells me he's picking up on conflicts within your relationship with your husband and it's creating a vicious behavior cycle. Family counseling is a good idea - your husband needs to be on the same page as you so you can have a united front. Kids are so smart that they pick up on the slightest conflicts and react to them. Is your job stressful too? It's hard to like your son's behavior (trust me, I can relate to this one!!) but it is your responsibility to make it a priority and just get over it. Don't dwell on it and take it personally, but definitely see a family counselor who can guide you three to better behaviors as a family. The solution is not as hard as you think.

[Kele2432]

Going to family counseling is great advice.  I hope krissy takes it.

[margypops]

Family conseling needed here, a parent coming in and going into a basemnet to avoid her child needs some help ,help is required for all three..

[margypops]

sorry I can spell, counseling and basement .... see

[sadmum59]

Hi Krissy, I too am having the same feelings as you so you are not alone.  My son is now going on 19 and still at home.  As a young child and up to a few years ago we had a good relationship and he was basically a good, respectful boy although messy around the home and wouldn't offer any help with chores but I put that down to a "boy" thing.  Since he turned 17 he has changed into a monster and I find myself disliking him as a person.  He treats our home like a hotel and I am the maid, he works for our business (no one would have given him a job because of his school record - no interest in school because he found it all too hard to apply himself) and takes advantage of us, especially his farther who is very soft on him and lets him get away with everything because he had a hard childhood (parents were divorced and mothe was very poor).  His ex-girlfriend is pregnant - he doesn't seem to realise the consequences/responsibilities of that and tonight he came home vomiting because he's had too much to drink  and is laying in his bed with some other girl.  I find myself being very negative around him now and talking to him badly because I don't like him. I don't have one nice thing that I can say about him at the moment.   I hate doing this and I feel like I must be an aweful mother but I can't help it - I have given up on trying to give him sensible advice or even having an adult conversation with him - any advice I do try to give him particularly when it comes to him impending fatherhood always ends up with him saying "I'm an adult now and I'll do what I want".  Both his father and I have helped him out so much - both financially and emotionally - I have gone "into bat" for him so many times with his teachers when they suggested he leave school at age 15, stood by him with every sport he ever wanted to do as a child and teenager, spending many weekends taking him around to various sports (he raced go-karts and motorbikes) and now this is they way he behaves.  I can completely understand how you are feeling but at your son's age it is not too late to build a better relationship.  If am feeling that, at 19, there is nothing that I can do if he continues down this road and I am basically ready to give up even speaking to him and letting him sort his own messy life out but at the end of the day, I wished more for him and now he is just breaking my heart with his attitude and behaviour.

[Kele2432]

I think its time to tell your son to ship up or ship out.  Get your husband on board with the idea.  You can't continue to let him treat you that way.  

[mommatialuv]

Hi Krissy,
About  a year and a half has passed since your original post, I hope  you and your son are doing better, It is hard to be positive when someone says they dont like their child. I think you need some intervention, counseling for yourself and your family. maybe  you are not cut out to be a parent ,but maybe you just need some skills. I recommend finding a  family counselor that works with your  insurance or on a sliding scale. Children are our most precious gifts, that does not mean that parenting cant be overwhelming. We all need some help some time, it is vital if you want your son to grow into a well adjusted man and someday.,.. father. Please talk to a professional, you, your husband and or your son may be suffering from depression that affects the whole family. If you find out you cant parent, please  let him go to someone that can. Not eveyone that creates children can be parents, love is necessary, but alone is not enough,
I love flowers, but they die in my home, I dont know how to nurture and grow them.

[bckitten]

I have a 7 year old and a 4 month old. I'm 45 and lead, as many of you comment, a very 'busy' life.
My son also gives me a great deal of trouble on occassion. It's getting better... For awhile, it was daily, non-stop. Both at home and at school. then we set up a 'consequences and rewards' program. We explained it to him ~ how the consequences would work, when he would get a reward.
It's not perfect. Sometimes I lose my cool and go overboard with the consequences (one timeout means no toys for the day - NONE-  but when I lose control, he's grounded to the house *and* no toys ~ means he REALLY pissed me off~) He has a heightened sense of justice and points out when I go against the rules. To set a good example, I agree I lost my cool, but I DO NOT reverse the consequences. I carry through, I just tell him I will do better next time. I know I'm not perfect and maybe I could handle this better. there are days I HATE his behaviour and I tell him so... I also tell him that I may be very angry, but I still love him.
We have a lot better days now. The challenges only come up occassionally ~ sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes it's one flare-up and done.
I make sure he's rewarded and those rewards also turned his behaviour around at school because it gave the teacher tools as well. For instance, Wednesday night is game night, Friday night is movie night and Sunday is either dirt biking or bmx-ing. He has lots of little rewards, too, but they are all ones he 'earns' with his choices of behaviour. I make sure I always tell him he chose the behaviour knowing the consequences, so he chose those too.
It's a struggle. today I honestly wanted to throttle him. It drives me nuts when he looks at me quite coolly when I tell him to do something and he just says 'no', then waits for my reaction. They are soooo good at pushing buttons!!
Time and patience. No one has it on their headstone that they wished they'd spent less time with their children...
In the end, he is my son and I love him and all the struggles, all the challenges are worth it.
BTW ~ neither of the boys are mine biologically. They are my great-nephews by birth but their mom is mentally disabled. I couldn't love them any more than I do...I love them enough to keep trying. And neither shows signs of her challenges. Quite the opposite, the seven year old quite often outsmarts us!!! LOL

[Harmond]

      I agree to those who mentioned that the problem is not with the child. The title itself tells alot. The first sentence even solidifies the issue. It is not that the child is not likable, or is behaving in an unacceptable way. It is the mom that has an issue towards herself. I'm sorry to say this but to lock yourself in a basement is your reaction to what's happening around you. The mom also reacted negatively to the commetns of some of the members. Let's put it the opposite way. Maybe it is the mom's behavior that is not likable since other people perceive the child to be a likable child as mentioned above. Why don't you try consulting an expert as a family and not as individuals.

[BeckyKilbourn]

Listen people can be hard on other Parents but I got a little ticked when I heard you don't like your son and you hide from him....Foster care may be where he will end up at.  Keep saying things like that and CPS will take him away.  You can't just put him in Foster Care because you do not want to deal with him...Please wkae up and help that little man...I have a 10 yr old Daughter who I am fighting for every second of every day.  She is seeing so many people right now as I am geting ready to take a parenting class and anger managemeny classes with her.  I have 4 kids and I make sure I have time for each and everyone of them.  What kind of life are you offering this baby to be away from him all day then come home and hide from him...This will make him pull farther away from you.  Maybe others like him so much because they take the time to talk to him, praise him for doing good on a test, or he played real good in a sport.  This is not about you dear.  This boy should be your first priority in life.  Help him or loose him...Good Luck hun

[Trinty425]

My family has a saying..."We may not always LIKE each other but we will always LOVE each other".  The fact that he seems to be well behaved and well liked by everyone except you should say something about your individual relationship with him.  I have done home daycare for a long time and have taken classes.  And if you don't give a child attention, enough attention, or the attention they crave and need from you...then they will do anything to get attention....whether it is good or bad.  You say you work all day...and then spend all night in the basement.  No attention at all to your son??  Also foster care doesn't equal bad.  There are many foster parents who are wonderful people, and do great things for the children they care for.  I personally tho cannot understand how someone can say they have "no feelings" for their own child.  It really makes me think that the problem lies with you and not your child.  I would not suggest medication. Since his behavior is great with everyone but you.  I would have a family discussion...and possibly family counseling.  A professional looking in may see where the problem lies where you can't.  But remember he is your son.  You may not like him, but assure him that you will ALWAYS love him!  

[kimmerbm69]

i have a child who is nine and yes she is very hard to deal with would i trade her for the world no.  i have had all the problems you all are talking about with your children with her. I found a book call Have a new Kid by friday.  I swore I would never read a book about kids.  This is the best book i ever read.  She is a different child. You have to discipline yourself with it and for about two weeks you life will be hell then all of a sudden it is a peaceful world and you wonder what happened to your child.  It works get and read it please.  I know therapy, medicine, and things of the sort is necessary somethimes but a lot of times it is us as parents.  I never realized what i was doing or not doing until i read the book and I said that is me about every second sentence.  I can't say enough about.  You have to be desciplined also.  

Kimmer

[Encephalomalcia]

Sorry you feel this way about your son.  I also know a friend of mine that felt that way about her son and she was the most caring, thoughtful person I know.  From experience, when a parent thinks a child is behaving badly, they usually will continue to behave the way the parent is expecting, badly.  Some questions I have is:  What is he doing besides being mouthy?  Do you have a lot of laughter and fun times in your household?  Do you set limits for him?  Children at the age of 7 are mouthy, back-talking and trying to push their parents to their limit.  Age 7 is probably the hardest age.  First, I would show me that the household can be fun.  Have a good time. Laugh, joke, have family night where you play board games.  If he is mean and mouthy, let him know that you are not going to put up with it.  You can raise your voice and let me know or you can send him to his room so he can think it over.  Explain to him that being mouthy creates stress and you would rather have a happy home not a stressful home.  If the back talking continues, you can add household chores.  Tell him that if he's mouthy, then he has enough energy to wash the kitchen floor.  Make sure he does it.  Watch him while he does it to make sure that he is not going to get out of it.  Next, talk to your husband, because he is the real problem here.  He needs to set limits and make sure that his son is not being disrepectful to him.  This is going to take some time and will be hard, but worth it in the years to come.  Remember this is your childs childhood and he will always remember it.  Take care.  

[Gramms47]

You must be exhausted.  Why not take some time out just for you?  After work, go to a movie with a friend or alone.....rather than going to the basement.  You deserve that much.

Your son is crying out for parental connection - that means both parents and comments of needing to be on the same page is correct.  If your son sees his mom and dad as partners (same letters different words) it brings a calmness to his world.  Hugs and kisses between mom and dad usually brings a smile to the kids.  

I always felt routine was a must.  Made his world turn at the same speed every day and you'll find yours will be better too.

I remember when my 5 year old came home from a birthday party rather sad.....asked him what happened and he said his friend's mommy didn't love him (his friend was the birthday boy)....oh, why?  well he kicked his little brother and his mommy didn't even care !!!!  Kids really do have it figured out.

Try and make your house - your home - mom & dad and child.  I think you'll be surprised about the outcome.  

Again, get your husband involved.  I love to watch Nanny 911 - sure makes sense.

[sunflower7]

You better get a hold of your husband and both of you need to be on the same page here before he gets anyolder because it becomes harder the older they get. Go and get a third party involved to help you with parenting skills for this - Your being robbed of the joy of being a mother. Kepp the love coming instead of running to your safe place - I know this wont be easy - hang in there and dont give up - never give up

[mwalsh1]

its been a year or so since krissy has been on here ,she must of felt so disheartened by all the negatives . I have a 4 year old son and it is without doubt a uphill struggle he is aggressive rude attitudey and just generally feels like it does not stop . Admittly he has the odd loving moment but then turns into this child from hell, he can sit on your lap and be giving you a cuddle and bang he is pulling your hair. And yes when he stays at my mum s i dread going to pick him up yes that sounds horrid but unless your in that boat you wouldn have a clue . He is not my only child i have a 19 yr old son who in the whole of his life has never caused me or anyone any trouble is polite and everything everyone wants there kids to be. As a big brother even he is at a loss with his little bro and he is i know at times so annoyed at the person i have become since his bro was about 2 cause im always tired stressed crying and not the mum i was . Hopefully krissy has managed to sort what was wrong and her and her son are closer now x

[Rayna372]

I found this post by Googling, "I don't like my 7-year-old daughter." I want to like her, and I want to feel attached and bonded to her, but I don't. Years ago, before we had any of her siblings she was my whole world and I don't know how we've gotten to where we are now.

She doesn't listen to a thing I say, and is rude, disrespectful, unappreciative, and unkind. When we go out in public, she whips my 4-year-olds into a frenzy of hyper behavior, and she is more embarrassing than any of the smaller ones because she should know better.

I have no idea what to do.

As for the moms commenting that they have thought about sending their kids into foster care (temporarily), I have fantasized about it too. I'd never really send her away, obviously, but she is so disruptive to our household that it is easier when she is gone visiting relatives or at school.

My end goal is for my daughter to be a functional adult and a decent person. I know that my lack of attachment to her isn't good for her, so somehow I have to form this bond or fake it effectively, and I don't know how. So much of parenting is shooting from the hip, and it is very hard for me to fake emotions in stressful situations, like when my daughter is misbehaving in public. I have no idea how to form a bond with her when she is someone I do not enjoy spending time with.

My husband struggles with her as well, but not as much as I do. My parents think she can do no wrong, and apparently she behaves well at school, but I think other adults dislike her a bit too. I can't tell for sure and naturally I'm not going to outright ask anyone, but I am fairly sure it is not just me. I'm not a fantastic mom, but I am bonded with and attached to my other children. And I have moments of tenderness toward her, but I feel like it ought to be more than that.

Anyway, I mostly wanted to post this so other people who found this page after a desperate Google search would know they aren't alone.

[specialmom]

Hi,  your post made me a little sad.  I hope that you can find a way to relate to your daughter and appreciate her.  You sound very busy as a mom with a few kids (not sure many but sounds like more than 1 other and they must all be close in age which tires out anyone).  

Perhaps you could actually schedule some one on one time with her to do something fun.  She may feel like at one time she was your pride and joy and you describe her similarly to that before your other children were born.  Now she is the older one who gets on everyone nerves.  She probably wishes she were like the little ones deep down inside.  But if you had an outing maybe every other week where just the two of you did something like go to lunch, movie, or something----  maybe a relationsip can be built.  I know it is hard when you have other kids and to find the time for this and perhaps sounds dreadful considering your current feelings torwards her----  but I suspect that she would just LOVE this kind of attention and might surprise you and become the daughter you remember.

Also, and don't take this the wrong way, often times when we have such a reaction to someone----  we see something of ourselves in them. If this is the case, it is an opportunity to help her and help yourself overcome something.  It may take a while to figure out what this could be but often strong reactions to an individual like this is for that reason.  

Lastly, the usual stuff.  Catch her doing things right and make a HUGE deal out of it.  Give her a special job as the big sister when you go out making a big deal that you count on her---  you are in charge of making sure that "joey" stays really calm in the store today.  Maybe she can even earn her one on one time . . .  I wouldn't dwell on your negative feelings torwards her too much (she'll sense it) and it just makes it worse.  Try not to talk out loud about it to others.  It's like telling a friend that you don't like your husband----  you're usually sorry you did and you gave that person all kinds of reasons to not like your husband and you ended up making yourself REALLY mad at him by reminding yourself of all his bad points during the process.  Think about what is good about her and make a list.  Look at it on bad days.  

Good luck, and I hope you work this out.  

[pood]

accordiing to dr.phil everybody goes through this and just because she actually said it out loud doesnt mean she is a bad parent!  there has been many times that my 4 yr old gets me to the point i just dont know what to do with him. he is a 4 yr going on 16.  i feel for the parents that just get the point they just dont know their elbow from their ***.  i also have 2 younger sons n they all have their faults but just remember this that you kids grow up fast so dont swet the small stuff. i will admit my boys r very spoiled but i was once told that a child is never spoiled because you can never over love a child. so i guess my boys are loved. hang in there to all the parent that have issues because you not alone even if you feel that you are

[aspiemom]

i came across this as i was looking for info on a 4 year olds behavior.i am a mother of 7 children raging from four to 26.i just want to offer some words of experience...until 6 years ago i was a single mom because my BF was an alcoholic not a mean one but i didn't want my children raised around drinking and arguing yelling etc.i don't drink.i never went out didn't drink didn't have men over..i baked i made toys and crafts i taught my kids good values i talked to them i loved them i wasn't very consistant and that is the key word. i was always there for them..first of all i have had a few similar situations.my oldest is a girl..she was i won't say badly behaved but would push all the right buttons.i felt like i didn't like her at times.we fought constantly nearly all her life even when she was as young as two.i finally put my foot down with her about 3 years ago when she was 23 and she respected me for that and the fighting stopped.she is like my best freind now.anyway to pool i just wanted to say i have a 24year old son who has struggled with drugs and anger control and fighting and has been jailed.my 20 year old son is an alcoholic and a risk taker and has been tazered and hospitalised in cuffs for being out of control.my daughter has been in abusive relationships.how did they turn out like this..i don't know all i did was love them to death...sound familiar..i was so worried they would be mad at me so i was too soft with them..they suffered in the end.don't get me wrong they all love and respect me like you wouldn't believe but i feel responsible for not being consistent.i also have 4 younger children.my 13 year old son was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome after years of violent angry temper tantrums suicide threats..it was hell hes been on lots of meds and we were told he would be worse as a teenager but he is now off the meds and doing well no more bad behavior.i have a 4 year old that is out of control but i am always praising him for anything good he does.i never feel like i don't like him though.i will be taking him to be tested.my other two are girls age 8 and 11.they are pretty good but my 8 year old screams and yells all the time and my 11 year old is quiet and shy but when she gets mad she almost has a breakdown.they get me so worked up sometimes i don't know what to do and dread what the teenage years will bring.i just try to be there for them, talk to them, do things with them.thats all most kids want is for their parents to set guide lines andpay attention.so i guess what i am trying to say is let your kids know you love them but you have to be their parent not their freind.make sure you are consistent with disipline and carry out what you say will be the consequense for their behavior.always point out the good in them and praise them when they do something good.i am hoping by changing my parenting my younger kids won't go throught the pain my older ones have suffered with their problems.

[vhc09]

aspiemom that is a very wise post, thank you for sharing your experience. you are so right on about being consistent, strict but loving too.

[vhc09]

krissy if you are still reading these posts, i had one thought, the first thing you said is "how can I pretent to like my son?" that may be the key. pretend to like him and the true feeling may follow. when we feel liked we act more likeable. i think you can turn this around. maybe try playing with him, pretend you are his aunt. pretend you don't have to discipline him for a while. i think you are a good mom, just having a rough spell. good luck!

[lilmissminx]

this post really caught my attention and hurt me!! just think yourself lucky u have a child, your OWN flesh and blood!!! its not that easy to have children for someone like me. SORT OUT A SET ROUTINE FOR YOUR CHILD!! GET COUNSELLING!!! ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES OR SOMETHING. your child seems to know how you feel and is picking up on your behaviour (kids can sense this) and putting all his will and effort into getting you attention in a negative way. the same negativity as you show towards him. take him to a parent+child class. go out with family with him, maybe with another child too and prove to him that you care by a day of listening, explaining that your sorry for not paying him attention, in a way thats not harsh on either of you, AND PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE HIM KNOW HIS MUMMY (YOU KRISSY13) LOVES HIM VERY MUCH!!

[momof2anddone]

I think alot of parents feel the same as you.  I have a hard time admitting it but I also feel this way alot of the time about my 2 1/2 year old son.  I am constantly wondering if he has some kind of problem that needs to be professionally addressed.  I try to dismiss his aggressive, hyper, super-clingy behavior as that of a normal 2 year old - but it is so super frustrating.  I do not even want to think of him as a seven year old in case the only difference is that he is stronger.  He is constantly trying to hurt his older sister.  I feel much more isolated and resentful since I've had my son because I never know when he is going to have the next high pitched screaming outburst.  It's easier to stay home.  Everyone in my family suffers because I am out of energy and frustrated dealing with this crazy behavior all the time.  He laughs at most forms of punishment including time-outs and spankings.  He hardly cares about me taking things away since we have so many toys anyway.

[michelle71smile]

I have a 10 year old son who is bi-polar. Very few people like him. I understand wishing your son was different. But I love my son. I feel i am his only safe place. A lot of my family and friends won't come around anymore because of him. The school is sick of him, I am sick of hearing people complain about him. I am sick of hearing what a bad child he is. But on the other hand I understand because if I didn't love him and he wasn't my child I wouldnt want to be around him. No one will take him. His dad and I are divorced but Chad always spent as much time as Jeremy wanted with him. But it has gotten so bad that for the last year and a half his dad avoids him now too. I am going crazy because I need a break. I guess I just wanted to say that I understand not liking your kid sometimes and was thankful someone put it out there to talk about. But I also feel you could do so much more. I would give anything to have your problem and get rid of mine. I hate myself for thinking that my son will probably be in prison or dead before he's 18. One of my aunts kept judging me telling me if she had him he wouldnt be that way. After 3 days she dropped him off and now she won't even answer his phone calls. They have horses and a lot of land they have one perfect 15 yo daughter who goes to a christian school. They enrolled Jeremy there too and they had to call the police on him. Jeremy loved being out there he just can't contol his anger. Im sorry for rambling but I have been needing to get some of this out for a while.
Michelle

[michelle71smile]

I have a 10 year old son who is bi-polar. Very few people like him. I understand wishing your son was different. But I love my son. I feel i am his only safe place. A lot of my family and friends won't come around anymore because of him. The school is sick of him, I am sick of hearing people complain about him. I am sick of hearing what a bad child he is. But on the other hand I understand because if I didn't love him and he wasn't my child I wouldnt want to be around him. No one will take him. His dad and I are divorced but Chad always spent as much time as Jeremy wanted with him. But it has gotten so bad that for the last year and a half his dad avoids him now too. I am going crazy because I need a break. I guess I just wanted to say that I understand not liking your kid sometimes and was thankful someone put it out there to talk about. But I also feel you could do so much more. I would give anything to have your problem and get rid of mine. I hate myself for thinking that my son will probably be in prison or dead before he's 18. One of my aunts kept judging me telling me if she had him he wouldnt be that way. After 3 days she dropped him off and now she won't even answer his phone calls. They have horses and a lot of land they have one perfect 15 yo daughter who goes to a christian school. They enrolled Jeremy there too and they had to call the police on him. Jeremy loved being out there he just can't contol his anger. Im sorry for rambling but I have been needing to get some of this out for a while.
Michelle

[ChazzM85]

Hi Krissy,

I have the same problem and I know the problem is with me to a point but I am powerless to change it.  I cannot separate the child and his behavior at all to be its all one and the same.  For me to say its not my child it like saying the pine tree is not green.  Um, I am sorry it is green and it is my son.  He is 11 years old and disrespectful, rude, doesnt listen, and a lier. The school often talks about they do not know what to believe with him.  I just assume everything out of his mouth is a lie.  The anger I have for him is affecting almost every aspect of who I am.  My wife gets mad and then can snuggle with him on the couch because for her its over.  I am not wired that way.  I dont want to be in the same room with him let alone snuggling on the couch.  In order for me to get close to him I tell him I need to see change.  He gets in trouble and good for two days and then back to same old.  Thats not enough for me.  Change to me in total repentance and not doing it again.  So I can seperate the child and the behavior and cannot each time I look at him he see a disrepecting no good when I look at him.   I wish it was different and wish I can have the outlook my wife does or every other parent but cant change it.  It comes down to respect, you respect me I will respect you or you shame me one shame on you, you shame twice shame on you.  as I see it the only way for this to get better is for him to get better.  If he does not see him probally being just as angry as I am growing up but I cant change how I am wired

[Krissy13]

This is the first time I've been on this post since I posted it in 2007.  Well, since then, I was laid off of my job and tried really hard to re-connect with my son.  I volunteered at school, played games that he liked to play, etc.  Just couldn't do it.  I truely believe in God and Jesus but this child could not have come from MY uterus.  So my mother is now in a nursing home and I've moved into her house.  "My" son lives with his dad who is only working part time in the same house.  When we got married, I was 39 years old and already had several houses so the house is paid for and they live there now.   I go to bed crying every night but I'm sure none of you would understand that.  Is it better to ignore him like I'm doing because he bugs me so much or is it better that I just kill myself and have my husband tell him I died of cancer?

I like the second scenario.

[specialmom]

I am being honest here,  I think Krissy that I would seek mental  help for yourself.  I'm not saying that to be hard on you or cruel.  But you are disassociated from your child.  You've spent years developing your career and collecting assets but are stilted emotionally.  How can I say that without knowing you-----  because I know NO ONE like you.  Yes, there are the rear moms out there that found parenting too hard, gave up and let dad be the responsible party.  But almost always, they have mental issues or substance abuse problems.  

I have a child with a developmental delay.  Some days he is very difficult and tries my patience like no one else can and can upset me to the point of thinking I'd be better to lock myself in the closet for what I'd like to do with him.  There, I admitted it.  Most moms have times like that----  we're human.  What you describe is not the norm.  Because if I have a moment in which things seem really bad, I stop deep breath----  look at my beautiful boy and his little brother and I know that they along with their father are the loves of my life.   It seems you never had the love to counterbalance the hard times.  That is diassociative.  So please, seek help and I hope that your son recovers from what you've done to him.  

[Sarah1013]

specialmom is right, as usual. You really should listen to her. And I'll be second to admit, there are days when I feel like I cant stand my kids. I dont care what a mom says I don't think there's anyone out there that doesnt get those thoughts. But for most moms those feelings are fleeting and are followed by guilt for thinking such things.

You need serious help. And no, killing yourself is not the answer. that would be the most selfish thing you can do. if you really want to help your son you will get help. You may feel like he doesnt need you, but he does. Please get help.

[markey04]

As the adoptive mother to a child who came from a TERRIBLE home with a terrible biological mother who did die of cancer, I can tell you your child will grieve for you intensely, forever no matter what your relationship is at this point if you die.  

I feel such pain and finality in your last post - like you are resigned that the current state of things is your fate and there is nothing that you do.  No relationship is over - even after death we continually rediscover aspects of 'ended' relationships as we mature.  You are a young woman and have a potential lifetime ahead of you that you could share with your son.  Seek counseling - if you had and it didn't work find someone else.  If you have tried twice, try again.  

God bless you in your continual search.  Don't give up.  

[lolxox]

Hi,
It's ok, like the other posts I have tried all that has been advised. My husband and I don't agree on discipline. So, it is difficult to implement rules. I was patient with my son until he was 8. Then I decided I was not going to win, he doesn't follow my direction and leave all the discipline to my husband. It is most difficult when he is not home and the kids cannot get along. I decided they have to learn how to live with difficult people on their own. I also go to the basement for peace. My son has great qualities and he is good in school. He mainly knows how to push mine and siblings buttons, and when he is mean to the others I have said that I can't wait for him to move out. For long periods he has said he was sorry for his behavior but it would go on for days and has been going on for years. I too have ask the school counselor for help. She has talked to him but offered no other solutions. I'm sad about our relationship. However, I know that there are other people in my life that I don't like and I just see it in that sense. It's difficult because he is my son. But we are different, and I can't change his personality to be like mine.

Do not worry about what has happened in the past and what you think have done to cause your child to be this way. It's not your fault, do the best that you can to be hopeful for the day it will be better,and live the best you can today, this hour, this minute. You are worth it, and so is your child to have that day in the future.

I'm still looking for answers myself...thanks for your post!

[unraveled]

Hi Krissy,
Please don't feel bad for the decisions you have made, and for heaven's sake, don't talk about killing yourself! I myself am dealing with a child that I have yet to bond with. He will be four years old next month and he and I just do not get along. I believe that in my situation, the lack of bonding (what some would refer to as a strong dislike) came from the relationship between his father and I. When he was born, I was constantly the only one taking care of him. Although my family, and his father's, always wanted me to bring him over to visit, it was only for a short while and then they were done with him. I rarely got a break, nor did I get to be among intelligent conversation for at least the first 8 months of his life. His father, on the other hand, went out every night, cheated on me, spit on me, hit me, and called me names (when he was around). I ended up getting pregnant by him again when my son was only a month old. I know it was very irresponsible on my part, but I was young and ignorant, I suppose. I now have another son who will be 3 this month.  I have that strong love for him that I should feel for my firstborn. When my second son was born, he was ugly! He was bald, skinny, his head was lop-sided, and he had the worst cry! It was similar to that of a dying cat. However, I believe that BECAUSE he was so ugly and pathetic looking, I made it my goal to protect him always. I now struggle to treat them the same, my older blond haired, blue eyed child and my brown, brown eyed baby (who, by the way, is extremely adorable now).
My older son is not bad, persay, he just requires a lot of attention and he always has.  He is also loud and obnoxious and I don't handle it very well. When he doesn't get his way, he says, "I don't like you. I only like my dad," Which makes me even more frusterated because only I know his dad's true colors. I myself would run to the basement when I got home from work. That is, if I had a husband... and a basement. But, the truth of the matter is, I am alone with two little boys. One I love to death, and one I fight to love.

[specialmom]

Well, you were honest at least.  It sounds like you have remorse and disappointment in how you feel.  I think sometimes when we have a child that reminds us of our X and bad times, we put some of those feelings torwards that child.  Even if they have a difficult temperment, this could still be going on making it worse.  I think my advice to you would be to keep doing what you are doing and parent both of these children.  Hide the contempt you feel torwards your older child and hide that you love and favor your younger child.  Try to think about your actions and try try try to keep it equal.  Never utter words such as you have here at home whether to a friend on the phone, to your X, to your child in anger and make sure you adhere to that for the rest of time.  While we can't control how we feel inside-----  we can control what we do with it.  Whether you are bonded or not, this is your child to care for.  He does not have a whole lot else buy you and if he is indeed difficult as you say-----  the rest of the world is going to find him difficult too and he will receive posative love from others less than the average.  So while  you felt sorry for your younger son in the begining because he wasn't the most beautiful baby . . . your 4 year old will need some sympathy down the road too because he will be less liked than your younger son (even by you.).  Whether your feelings will ever change I don't know.  But it will be your little secret that you take to the grave.  You can't control body language all the time and he may pick up on it and be upset about it when he is older . . . but if you have never verbalized it anywhere but here . . . (or a therapists office by yourself) . . . he'd only be guessing and not know that to be fact.  I'd keep it that way.

My son is a twin.  His brother was the angel and my husband was the devil.  His mother loved his twin so much and could only criticize my husbands every move.  While her feelings were natural I guess as my husband was a more difficult child----  it set off a self esteem situation that was not good and followed my husband into his adult years.  And some of it was very unfair-----  his twin would do the same things he would do and he would be the one to get the blame------   and bet your life this happens in your house.  I have boys that are 15 months apart in age . . . sometimes the angel isn't really being an angel and the "bad" kid gets blamed.   Anyway, my mother in law never verbalized how she felt really . . . which was good.  It made his recovery from it much easier.  I think he mourned her death for many reasons 3 years ago.  He so desperately wanted her to love him.  In the end, I think she did.  I think you will too.  Good luck, I really mean that.

[rizkhan2773]

kirssy i can say only one thing u are reall mother just forgive her behavior and he or she is ur child and let her or his the way she want and give her some space dnt force thing like behavior or other stuff on her just make her feel normal and happy all time just let her to do the thing in his own way and let her realize that she or he doing wrong and let her to feel what u told her its and what she is doing its wrong then she will be come close to make obey thing to u

[cdnskmom]

I believe strongly that some of these extreme and difficult behaviours are due to brain allergies... simple food allergies that affect the brain instead of say, causing a rash. PLEASE! Google brain allergy, and check for allergies. My son had extreme meltdowns, anxiety and was always freaking out about the smallest things until we discovered his milk allergy. Now he is cheerful and quite calm. What a difference this has made in all of our lives!

[goldsmith175]

Just read about the lady who does not like her 7 year old son.  I came accross this website because I had typed in 'I don't like my 11 year old daughter'

My daughter and I were extremely close. No mother and daughter could have a closer bond. I've always felt it was the best thing that ever happened to me until recently.  

Just after her 10th birthday she started going through puberty.  She was a little moody on occasions, and then one morning getting ready for school we had a bit of a row.  She went to school, and made an untruthful allegation against me that I had hit her.  After that all hell broke loose.  She maintained the llegation and went into Foster Care.  Of course I almost had a break-down,   She wanted to come home at first but as time went on and she stayed longer in the foster home she made up more and more allegations against me.  Really terrible things such as I had poured boiling water over her etc., etc.,

She stayed in foster care for 6 months, - I fought to get her back, and as Social Services could find any evidence to back up her allegations she came back home a few months ago.  

She was quite well behaved before she went into foster care, but is now very difficult to deal with.  I feel betrayed by her, and feel our bond is broken, and the child that has come back is not the child I knew.  Of course I love her, but she will not talk about what the allegations all meant, and she is biting and hitting me one moment and wants cuddles another etc.,  (Of course I cuddle her very much, but I feel all my maternal feelings have been destroyed).

I have been humilated and degraded by Social Services the police, and my childs foster parents, and feel I haven't the love to give, that I once had.

[luannalovell]

thank goodness for this site !!! i also typed in i dont like my child out of desperation! and im saddened at the attitudes towards krissy.. this has led me to get appointment with doctor ..i pulled my two children from school so we could travel and home ed however due to my poor relationship with one son im failing fast ..his younger brother has to put up with appaling behaviour towards him and witnessing this daily has put burden on me. i rejected dan in the womb so i can say to be sure bonding was a problem to start with..i love him but feel im going crazy ..i find myself losing control and have given in to my lower instincts to reject him again im thinking about fostering had intervention b4 but did not want to have him diagnosed although he displays lots of autistic traits i think im going back to the doc its either get a label therefore support , or continue beating myself and daniel until we all crack.this site will help me to move on and maybe find the happiness that i and my family deserve..

[specialmom]

It sounds like you are certainly suffering over this.  You sound like although your son may create a lot of heart ache for you, you do love him and want the best for him.  I hope that you find answers and peace in your heart.  good luck

[farside117]

When things get bab imagine this. What if your child was not there...you would give anything to hear the backchat, see their messy room. We take familiarity for permanence. If we complain too much, we allow space for negativity to dominate.
I had a friend who was wanting to complete a chore...washing the clothes in the washing machine before lunch. She found her 15 years old daughters demands too much. So she said to her daughter...look, just leave Mommy and get out of my sight. less than half an hour later, her husband returning from the fields to have lunch saw somwthing on the fence. His daughter had stepped up on the wire of a fence, and slipped , her head on the upper fencewire had strangled her.
so the mothers last words to her...get out of my sight...the daughter did that. Got out of the mom's field of vision forever. It was tradgic and my friend never got over it. She had three more children and paid close attention . Her first husband never got over his grief. So what I am saying is ... when you are feeling at your wits end with a messy bedroom...imagine if the toys never came out of the box.
And somewhere spare a thought for your child. How else can your child begin to be an adult...they are in mental pain...they must establish personal identity as an individual...yet it pains them to see the effect it has on you.
With my kids...when my daughter started to establish her identity and break away...I said to her. I love you, I would do anything for you...in a few years you can do everything on your own..but meantime in this house while you are lving here with us, you have a choice. You can make it difficult by your behaviours and that means I will be a grumpy Mom...or you can decide to just get on in the family.
She chose the latter. And so we avoided the teenager tantrums. She knew where she stood. She wanted to live in a harmonious place. She knew she had a few years of needing parental supoort, so she had to fit in with us, as much as we respected her. She went on to be a fully supporting professional woman.
My Son, I have to say, I can see that relationship echoed in the above. I had him at 19 and did not have a clue really. So I struggled through but read child development books which helped at the time. Our son was defient and at around 15 years would sneak out at night and then took the family car. The resulting accident, allowed him to focus and put things right. He had to do jobs and write them down in a book..Until he paid off the insurance excess. He painted a fience for a vet and the vet told him he did the same thing at his age. Now our Son and daughter are mazing adults.
From 22 until now in their thirties, we have a great realtionship and share things.
The teenage years were difficult and I felt destructive to the relationship...but it seems not to be so. The love base you develop in the early nurturing years does not disappear...though at times, to me it felt like it had...no the events, time and moments are difficult...but you must remember that the lasst part of the brain to develop in a child happens at 25 years old. The part for empathy and understanding consequences...if I do this...then this will happen. They don't get that until 25, which is why insurance preium on under 25 year old drivers is higher.
So make allowances. First,,,that the child must become independent. This is a slow process that does not happen overnight. it takes place in the back chat, the defience...it is a symbol if you like of them becoming themselves.
They must understand that you want them to be themselves. But that they must respect the family situation...and like any family memeber...try to create harmony in a living situation. You are not asking them to bow down to restrictions...you are asking them to fit in and participate while they are living under your roof. Which won't be forever.
Just as you make it nice for them...they can too.
You want to get it both ways...instead of "I don't like my son..and the son...I don't like my Dad or Mom...aim for creating a family situation where you all like and respect each other. Than means being fair, respectful, kind, considerate. And as the adult, you can show by expample. Start with yoiur partner...bring them flowers, show affection. Take you child flowers too. Show affection, even if it is joining them on the sofa and putting your arm around them...or baking cookies, or making popcorn toegether. My daughter and I started a flower bed...this took us to garden centres on the weekend...she and I choose flowers..aand took turns watering and weeding. Then we did a small vegeatable and herb patch. It doesn't have to be much...we grew tomatoes in a gorw bag...and sweet peas. Today we both share a love of flowers. Find one theme to do together. it will bring you together. Something quiet and meditational. Fishing off a wharf. Getting a new pet and having the child focus on a new puppy and care for it. or a cat. Or a fish. Get them to care for something other than themselves. You can visist the library to get books together...etc. 7,8,9 year olds want to please. They want to show you what they can do.

[decky1978]

You should read 'i'm ok you're a brat'.

http://www.amazon.com/Okay-Youre-Brat-Priorities-Parenthood/dp/1580632025

it is not as un-natural as people may think to dislike your child. Nobody is perfect, not him not you. There is no such thing as a perfect child, or a perfect parent.

This said I do feel that perhaps you should look at your own parenting styles. Your son is frustrated with YOU and probably resents you in some way and is trying to tell you something. It's up to you to find out what it is. You need to explore ways of communicating with him on a 0ne-to-one basis. Listen to him and allow him to talk. You need to make him learn differeng ways of communicating with you and ways to control his anger. Good Luck.

P.S one thing that struck me from your posts was that you said its nearly winter and thats when you have fun because YOU love winter. As a parent of a young child the exact opposite should be the case. Kids love the summer holidays and you should be out doing all the fun things they enjoy, park, sports, swimming, beach, nature walks holidays etc.. Does your son not have more fun during the summer holidays than he has being stuck at school during the winter? If not then this is something you need to assess and I would suggest is probably linked to his feelings of resentment towards you. Do you do things together as a family? Or do you prefer winter because you have an excuse to sit at home doing nothing because of the weather, and because your son is in school in the mornings?

[aimdawg]

I was struck by your post and just want to say one thing. I am married to a man who's mother didn't like him as a child...and she never got over it. He is a great father, good husband, hard worker, honest...all that any mother hopes her son would turn out to be. None of that matters to her...in her mind he is still 9 and "ruining her life." Its very hard to be the wife and watch her treat him with so much contempt. Some how he managed to turn out well.

Please don't give up! Keep working on it. Go to counseling as a family. Someday he will grow up and be a man. If not for the relationship now, invest in his future and your future relationship together. You don't always have to like your son, but you do need to find ways to love him, and ways to make him feel loved. Good luck!

PS I stumble on your post as I was looking for ways to help our 3 year old daughter who is turning into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde! Good luck to all of us as we try to raise our kids the best we can!

[stressedmommy2]

OMG I can't believe what I have read ! your last post from 2009 about your son is not living with you now and you want your husband to tell him your dead??? Krissy if you still are reading this I just want you to know that I am for sure praying for you and your decisions and I mean that with all my heart...I felt so sad after reading this that I am very emotional right now..I have a 3 year old that I have had some dandy issues with but God love her heart I could never ignore her or even leave her side for just one day... the worse My daughter got the more I wanted to try and also after trying so many different things to help her I never gave up I just started looking in the mirror and found just recently that a big problem was me because I had to figure out the best way to cope with her issues and I found that when I MADE MYSELF change things (which was very hard to break the rut) I found that she started getting A LOT better!!! She has made a BIG turn around from what she was doing before and trust me if you don't beleive me you can read my main forum about ( MY 3 MONTH OLD PREEMIE BEING OUT OF CONTROL) and SPECIAL MOM can vouch for me as well cause I have talked to her about it... But things CAN change if you really search YOUR heart and YOURSELF and find the TRUE love for your child...And IF you really wanted to Love your son the way you First posted then you could have tried harder and not by ignoring the fact that you are a parent. And you say you believe in God and Jesus well just ask yourself this...."WHAT WOULD JESUS DO"? We sin everyday and do things that God doesn't want us to do even the worst back talking sas mouth around or the biggest drugy you can find but God has NEVER left their side because BY GRACE OF GOD we are redeemed and he will NEVER leave us nor forsake us! And God blessed you with that boy for a reason again search your heart to find the reason because God DON'T make mistakes!  I wan't saying any of this in a harsh way I was saying it from the love from one mother to another and I pray for the best for you and your son!

Let me also add that a lot of issues from the beginning of your main post stating that you was the provider (working) and your husband stayed home? well It's very hard for ANY child to be without their MOMMY'S because the daddy's didn't have that first bond with the child nor did they deliver them as we did and that alone seems to makes a child feel sad or parted and that maybe the main reason why he would be that way with you ? I know my husband is the one that works and eve plays and goofs off with the kids but they do respect me a lot more and sass mouth him but you GOT to let your child know their boundaries whether its back talking for just plain ol' misbehaving once they get that down pat and you LEARN to stick to it like I had to learn myself you will see the true good soul of the child. But one thing to remember is to not teach your child that's its ok to walk away from life's responsibilities just because you don't like them and don't want to deal with it. It's best to be a strong man than a weak one and some body needs to teach that boy just that....sorry so long but I also had to clear my chest

[Kari7]

Dear Krissy and Everyone who is a parent,

You say you believe in God and in Jesus, Excellent!  But, what I strongly recommend is for you to ask the Holy Spirit to walk with you in this new journey you have as a mother.  Ask Him God the Holy Spirit to help you, guide you and lead you in your life. And, pray to the God the Father for everything that is in your heart and mind.  I believe that we are all imperfects, and only God can help us love others the way we love ourselves.  Just imagine how many times we as God's children insult Him, disobey Him, disrespect Him, etc. and HE still loves us, well yes He is God so HE is the only one that can help us get through our daily life.  The fact that you keep confesing that you Hate or dislike etc your son, creates in your heart more of that feeling toward your son, remember that there is power of life or death in our tongues as Proverbs say it.  You are living in remorse thus you do not have peace and will no have peace until you stop letting the "enemy" accusing you and controlling your thoughts.  Surrender ALL to God and ask HIM for more wisdom and revelation on what to do now, PRAY for your son.  All of us Parents MUST PRAY for our children, we are living difficult times and it won't get better but it can be easier going through these times with GOD the Father, the son and the Holy Spirit.  God loves you yes HE DOES, ask Him to search your heart and take everything out to the light so that you can know how to pray.  God can heal all your wonds, restore your life, your marriage and even your relationship with your children.  I'm 100% that the "enemy" and you know who that is, has come to kill, destroy, and steal your son's life and your own, and am not necesarilly talking about physical life.  Thus consecrate your son to the Lord God and I know that I know that God will start making changes in your son's life and yours.

I could go on, but please seek God, pray, read the Word (Bible), and go to church, we parents need to do all these three if we want to succeed as parents.

Blessings to you.

Karilyn

[Lynndv]

Overwhelmed by the criticism of this poor woman. My motherinlaw raised 8 kids back in the day and she too used to lock herself in the bathroom. For all those who have well behaved very little troubled children I am jealous. I have done everything in my power every day for my son and until you've walked a mile in our shoes who are you to judge? that she had the courage to come on here for mothers words are enough for me and I applaud her. shame on you people who are not giving her support.  My son started at age 8 months and he has been a battle we fight constantly and is ongoing. I would give up my life to find something that helps him. He has no issues other than anger and frustration and sleep apnea which is a struggle for him. He hits us has numerous holes in his walls from throwing things. I am stay at home and my husband and I always spend quality time, have rewards and work with him in his struggles. He's been through counseling and has had every workup under the sun and still he is physically aggressive. This poor woman poured out her heart was honest and probably was looking for someone to just listen and all of you bashed her or most of you blamed her. Are you perfect parents? Do you parent a child like hers? You know nothing of what it is to not be able to raise your child and help them grow into adults who do not struggle with aggression. Even if her wording came out wrong I am appauled as women you were so critical of her instead of offering her support and encouragement. I know this is so long ago but I still fight this struggle and my son is a lovable, good hearted boy but I too can relate to her frustrations. It takes courage to come out and vent and I'm sure it came out at a time she was having a difficult moment. I hope you all dont treat your family as you do this poor woman who is or was obviously in need. God Bless you Krissy. I wonder how you are.

[Sandman2]

  Nice comment Lynn and I certainly agree.  It's interesting that you mention that your son has sleep apnea.  It can cause a whole range of problems which you are probably aware of .  But just in case I have included a quote below from the ADHD forum, which you might find interesting.
   "As far as the tonsils/adenoids go...
My son's were enlarged and thus were obstructing his breathing while sleeping.  This then tends to cause sleep apnea and causes the child to briefly wake up often.  This frequent waking up means that the child does not get the restful sleep s/he needs.  Now that my son's airway is more opened, he is sleeping better at night.  That means that, during the day, he is not bouncing off the walls trying to keep himself awake.  Before surgery, he was always tired and frequently cranky/grouchy but constantly going from one thing to the next in order to stay awake.
I'm not saying this will help everybody but it is worth getting checked out.  I find it interesting that it used to be that almost all kids had their tonsils/adenoids out and hardly anyone had ADD/ADHD.  Now that almost no one has them removed, it seems everybody has ADD/ADHD.  I don't know for sure how much of a link there is but I find it very interesting and I know that the surgery has helped my son."

[Lynndv]

Thank you. My son had his tonsils and adnoids out when he was 3 years old. He's been on a CPAP machine for almost a year. He has obstructive Sleep apnea. Where his airwaves close when he lies down constricting his air. This is hopefully something he will grow out of as his anatomy changes but is definitely a huge part of his struggles.  My Dr. is great and who has traveled the country believes as you have just stated that an amazing over 75% I may be slightly off of children diagnosed with ADD or ADHD are really suffering with sleep disorder. That to me is mindboggling. I had my son given ever evaluation and non of them ever found him to have any issues Thank God beside what I noticed when he was 2 1/2 falling asleep and severe crankiness. As you may know children who are sleep deprived are hyperactive and often aggressive. His kindegarten teacher even hinted maybe he needed something. I set up a camera in his room and found him sitting up gasping for air and in heavy sweats. There is such a small percentage of children with Obstructive Sleep apnea I think its 3% usually after the tonsils and adnoids are removed things to do back to normal. Sometimes when I see a parent who has their child on medication I often wonder if that child may have something as simple as sleep problems. It's sad. I'm with you 100% but we have been through it and are the lucky ones who followed through. I went through this for a long time and still because he has the CPAP. I pray for the day he is able to come off of it. He has a sleep study in Sept to see how he is. He does regress and has bad allergies as well so I know when the aggression comes he hasn't been well. My heart goes out to all those who have children that are difficult. It really is not the child or parents fault. I have been blessed with two lovely daughters who Thank God are healthy and dont suffer as he does. to watch our children suffer is hard enough and unless you have gone through it as we have no nothing of how frustrating and heartbreaking it can be. Thanks for sharing.

[Lynndv]

Thank you. My son had his tonsils and adnoids out when he was 3 years old. He's been on a CPAP machine for almost a year. He has obstructive Sleep apnea. Where his airwaves close when he lies down constricting his air. This is hopefully something he will grow out of as his anatomy changes but is definitely a huge part of his struggles.  My Dr. is great and who has traveled the country believes as you have just stated that an amazing over 75% I may be slightly off of children diagnosed with ADD or ADHD are really suffering with sleep disorder. That to me is mindboggling. I had my son given every evaluation and non of them ever found him to have any neurological or learning issues Thank God beside what I noticed when he was 2 1/2 falling asleep and severe crankiness and aggression. As you may know children who are sleep deprived are hyperactive and often aggressive amongst others. His kindegarten teacher even hinted maybe he needed something (medication). I set up a camera in his room and found him sitting up gasping for air and in heavy sweats. There is such a small percentage of children with Obstructive Sleep apnea I think its 3% usually after the tonsils and adnoids are removed things to do back to normal. Sometimes when I see a parent who has their child on medication I often wonder if that child may have something as simple as sleep problems. It's sad. I'm with you 100% but we have been through it and are the lucky ones who followed through. I went through this for a long time and still because he has the CPAP. I pray for the day he is able to come off of it. He has a sleep study in Sept to see how he is. He does regress and has bad allergies as well so I know when the aggression comes he hasn't been well. My heart goes out to all those who have children that are difficult. It really is not the child or parents fault. I have been blessed with two lovely daughters who Thank God are healthy and dont suffer as he does. to watch our children suffer is hard enough and unless you have gone through it as we have know nothing of how frustrating and heartbreaking it can be. Thanks for sharing.

[specialmom]

Hi.  I just wanted to say that I really do understand how hard it is parent a difficult child.  Lordy, I really know. . . and some days are harder than others.  It is very difficult on a parent to help guide a child with challenges through life and when their particular challenges are not socially acceptable, scary, rude and over the top . . . we have moments of frustration.  I can honestly say it has never made me dislike my son but it has made me wonder why I've been given more C rap in life to deal with than others.  (then I remember that every family has their problems).  

I think that many a parent that has children with challenges can become overwhelmed by it.  I was anxious and depressed to a clinical level when my son was being diagnosed with sensory integration disorder.  When anxiety and depression are present, it makes it really hard to handle what is going on.  That is why I mention that making sure that we parents also take care of ourselves emotionally and physically is important.  We need a break from it all to recharge the batteries.  We need to be in tune with our own mental health status and address any issues there.  This gives us the best chance of tackling the issues our children present in life.  That is my two cents on it anyway.

I also think that finding supportive people in your life is really important.  Parents of kids with issues often feel isolated and that no one else can relate.  I've felt that way before.  But I found that there are many families out there that may have a slightly different problem but are struggling as much as we are.  They are looking for support too.  So, I have found a safe group of people to support me.  Many places actually have support groups.  I talk about occupational therapists centers a lot because we 've just had such a wonderful experience there.  Besides working on the issues with my son's nervous system, they've worked on behavioral things and social aspects for him.  We did a social skills camp, for example, and all kinds with kids were there.  Some were sensory, some add/adhd, some aspergers, and some with no diagnosis whatsoever but they just needed help with social skills and friendship  building.  Great place to meet other kids and parents that relate to our daily struggles.  Not feeling alone has really helped me.

So, anyway, just mentioning some of the mental health aspects to parenting a child that has a more difficult temperament than "most" kids.  Good luck to all of us as we do our best!

[1momanddaughter]

I can totally understand where you are coming from!! I actually got online to find a video or movie about sending kids somewhere when they won't listen or behave at home to be taught to listen. I was going to have my daughter watch it to see how different it is away from home, and being made to listen by strangers who don't take any crap from them. Then I found this page and had to tell my story.
I have a 9 year old daughter. It took me 12 years to get pregnant due to infertility problems, I was 35 years old before I finally got pregnant, and never could have any more kids. She was such a sweet wonderful baby, but when she turned 4 she started getting mouthy. I tried when she was 2 to teach her to pick up things after herself, mainly trying to get her to help me so she would learn. My husband and mother-in-law said she was too little and wouldn't help me teach her; they did everything for her, now I have a very hard time getting her to do anything. I try telling her in a nice voice to do something, she ignores me; I wait plenty of time and she just ignores me. So then I ask her to please do something, she still ignores me, I wait again; finally I have to yell at her, then she tells me she wishes her dad was here, or she was at her grandmas because she wouldn't yell at her, (that's because she still does everything for her.) Now though she won't listen to her dad either, and he's yelling at her because she won't listen, she's the way she is because of them; I have always been the strict parent. She is still very mouthy and says things to me that I never dreamed of saying to my mom; actually my dad would have busted my mouth had I talked to my mom the way she talks to me! I hate her behavior and it kills me the way she treats me after going through everything to have her and nearly having a nervous breakdown because no doctor could/would tell me why I wasn't getting pregnant for so many years. I have tried the discipline things listed above, take things from her, she doesn't care. Time out never worked, made a chart and gave her stickers when she did what she was supposed to. She would do good one day, then quit; she NEVER EARNED anything she got, but my husband bought it for her anyway. I even thought if I would get her the things she wanted for birthdays or Christmas, she would see I love her and do better; it doesn't work either. I praise her all the time for doing great in school, and never getting into trouble. I thank her when she does do something I tell her to right away, and not refusing or being mouthy. Everyone loves her, thank God she is a very polite girl away from home. I spend time with her, I have taken her out to eat at her favorite restaurant, but it's as though she's only good to get what she wants, then it's over. As long as I spend my hard earned money on her she loves me; but when I'm broke she hates me. I hate yelling at her, I have shamed myself for yelling at her at times, but it doesn't change her behavior at all. I've tried talking to her calmly, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I am at a total loss myself, and am dreading the teenage years if she doesn't straighten up before then. I have physical problems that keeps me from playing things with her that she wants to do, but instead of understanding that I can't help it, she acts like I just don't want anything to do with her; which isn't true at all; but I have to say, when she treats me like a dog, I DON'T want anything to do with her. I refuse to reward her for bad/nasty behavior.

[Sumanadevii]

Plenty of parents out there willing to take on this young child.  Nothing is wrong with the child.  Something is seriously wrong with the parenting style.

[goodmom144]

Krissy-
What is disturbing to me, besides the fact that you don't want to be bothered with your son, is how flippant you are when you write about it.  This is your family, how can you be so nonchalant about it all?  To be frank you sound very immature.  Your attitude towards the problems along with the fact that others do like your child makes me think the problem is with you.
There are too many of the wrong kinds of people having kids in the world.  And it never amazes me how shallow people can be.
I don't know why I'm writing to this, it just was shocking to me.  I googled "my child does not like his behaviorist."  My son screams, throws things and slams doors lately when his behaviorist comes over 2x a week.  I believe it is because he doesn't like the behaviorist, he used to be a little more fun but lately has just been kind of flat and has very lilttle enthusiasm.  KIDS PICK UP ON THIS- hint hint!  I will probably get a new behaivorist, but if anyone has any advise on this it would be appreciated.  He has a behaviorist, by the way, because he is autistic.  It is unbelievably hard sometimes to deal with him, but I try everything I can.  I just can't imagine giving up on my own child, or how the relationship could ever get to such a point in the first place.  I've never met a child who didn't seem to want to be loved.

[rockabye24]

I know exactly how you feel. I have an almost 8 yr old step daughter who i really can not stand. I have tried everything, from taking things away, spanking, talking, councleing, grounding... nothing seems to work. She just as disrespectful, mean, hateful, talks bad, hits- throws things. I am so at my wits end with her and dont even want to be in the same room as her let alone look or talk to her. i feel so bad but i dont know what else i can do.

[allmymarbles]

What I find admirable is that you have the courage to say you don't like your son. I doubt that this is unique, but how many mothers would admit to it?

It does not help that your husband does not properly discipline your son. But going beyond that, you and your son may simply be highly incompatible. We meet people every day that we do not like. So we avoid them. But this is your son, someone who will be part of your life forever. So you live under the stress of being in an uncongenial situation and, on top of that, you feel guilt. A tough situation.

Do you have other children?

[infinite_alphabet]

First, I understand, to an extent, how you feel.  My oldest son is now 8, and in the last year or so, his behaviour has completely deteriorated.  I found this thread by searching 'managing 8 year old behaviour'.  He once was compassionate, considerate and thoughtful.  Now, he is insolent, annoying, purposefully obtuse and ignorant.  I am grateful for the small things - he isn't violent or physically cruel.
  Second - how long has it been since you saw your son?  That you cry each night as you go to sleep is a good thing.  It means you do feel something about it.  My suggestion here is that perhaps now you have been separated from him, you can re-introduce yourself into his life, one day at a time.  Even, just to start, you could go to his dad's and spend an hour there once a week or once a fortnight to begin.  He might not want to see you.  He might not want to be with you.  But the fact that you are trying will come to mean something to him as time goes on.  Don't try to be a parent while you are there.  See him as someone else's child - you did say you got along with other kids, as you have also stated you can't believe he came from your body, so it shouldn't be too difficult for you. You might also find that his general attitude has changed because his environment has changed.  It might not have, too.  If he resents you, you deserve that.
  I know that sounds horrible, but speaking from my own experience and my own resentment for my son's behaviour, I watched as his resentment for me grew and I have finally understood that I deserve it.  You get what you give.  It is up to you as the adult to start the changes because he, as a child, does not have the education or mental facilities.
  What things did you once enjoy doing with him, back in the days when he was a pleasure to be around?  Playing with Lego?  Reading a book?  Using Nerf guns on Army men?  Going for a bike ride?  Perhaps if you take a few steps back, you might find a different path open before your very eyes.  My son and I once read every single night.  As he got older and able to read himself, he would read each night by himself.  Just the simple act of going in to his bedroom, laying on his bed with him and spending 15 minutes reading a book has helped my situation a bit.  Something like this might help for you, too.
  To all the mums who have looked up things on the internet (articles, movies, etc) about how horrible it might be elsewhere - scare tactics don't work!  Do you think your son or daughter will watch it, then suddenly say, 'oh, gosh - i do have it good here.  I'll be good forever, now!'  Do you honestly believe that?  No!  They will see what you are doing and they will resent you more for it.  It is possible they will tell you they'd rather be there, and then what are you going to do?
  To all the bible bashers out there - do you really think 'god' is going to swoop down and fix all your problems?  No!  You can read the bible until your eyes turn inside out and guess what?  You're still going to have a child who misbehaves!  You can go to church and pray until your kneecaps wear through to bone, and your child is merely going to see you as a fanatic and will rebel more (brainwashing kids into believing so stoically in religion only works if you start when they don't know better).
  To the parents who have 'given their child everything to prove you love them' - what are you teaching them?  Of course your child NEEDS the newest Playstation, or the newest game or the newest freaking Pokemon or whatever, or they SAY they do.  They don't!  They need your time and the knowledge that whatever mistakes they make (and they'll make plenty), you're gonna be there to help get them through it, that you're not going to bury your head in the sand and hope when you come up for air that the problem has gone away.  Okay, a new playstation game or somesuch every now and then as a treat for good behaviour wouldn't go astray.
  To everyone who is thinking how mean I am, and how unsupportive I am, well, you can think that.  I am trying to get across my own experiences and things I did in my own situation to help improve them.  We're a long way from being home free, but slowly, slowly, we're finding better ways of managing our son's behaviour.
  
  

[infinite_alphabet]

Yes, we tried the 'rewards and consequences' thing in many different versions.  They fizzled out after a few weeks because our son didn't care.  Instead of 'earning' computer/game console time, he would stand next to us and whinge non-stop that he had nothing to do, which would, naturally, get right on our nerves, which would cause tension, tears and tantrums.  It's not even as if he has a lot to do - his chores include unsetting the dishwasher, taking out the rubbish and feeding the cat, aside from just generally helping out when we need a hand.  He just started lying to us, which I'm sure all parents are aware is gonna happen.  We talk to him.  "What did lying to us accomplish?  You were asked to brush your teeth.  I know you didn't brush your teeth.  You got in trouble and had to go brush them anyway, only because you didn't do it the first time and lied about it, dad and I became upset with you, which wasn't very pleasant for you, was it?"  Of course, that will only work if the child DOES go brush their teeth once they've been caught out, and I know (believe me) that doesn't always happen, in which case, you could try again in the morning when there isn't so much hostility and everyone's had time to calm down.
  The most difficult thing in our situation is that our son is highly intelligent academically (sadly, he lacks the common sense right now), so when he tells us he 'didn't know' or he 'forgot', we become, again, very upset with him because we KNOW he knew.
  Then there is Granny, who was born an Early Childhood teacher.  In every situation, she knows exactly what to do, how to handle him and what to do to diffuse the situation.  And when he goes to visit, he comes home saying, 'Well, you're wrong, because granny said . . .', which is hugely frustrating.  When we are all in company, I find myself reacting differently to certain situations - not for the benefit of our 8 year old, but to sort of prove to my partner's mother that I'm not a bad mother (not that she has ever said so to me and never would, but I do see disapproval sometimes), and this creates inconsistency.  This is something I know I need to work on - that no matter what she thinks, I'm doing the best I can right now, with the resources I have.
  We also have a six month old, who adores our 8 year old, watches him intently and laughs at almost everything he does.  This scared me into taking some action to correct our 8 year old's behaviour, because I could only see more headaches in future years if our 6 month old bases his behaviour on his brother's.
  My partner is, most certainly, the better parent.  He has an infinite amount of patience and good humour where my patience and good humour is well and truly worn out by the time he comes home from work, so when I try to discuss these issues, he hints that it is me who needs to change (yes, I do, I know that, but it's not nice to be told that :)) and sees my 'excuse' as stated above as a cop out.  It is helpful to have someone to put your feet back on the ground and point out when you're being silly and when your upsets are justified.
  So we come full circle.  
  You are human, krissy13.  You, like me, have an exhaustible well of patience.  Sometimes counting to ten doesn't help at all.  Particularly if, when you get to ten, the problem is still loud, annoying and bad-tempered in front of you.  It is currently not too late to make amends and enjoy your son's next years, enjoy his adult years, meet any grandchildren that might come along.  If I count correctly, at the time of writing this, your son will be 10.  Yes, 'your' son.  It isn't too late to keep trying.  In four or five years, it WILL be too late and the chances of ever having a civil relationship with him will become slim to none.  
  That you have come on here and stated your problem, looking for some help, proves you WANT to help.  Don't give up because a few attempts didn't work.
  Teenagers say this all the time - I know I did - he didn't ask to be born.  But he WAS born.  He is YOUR son.  He does NOT deserve to feel his mother abandoned him, no matter what kind of terror you believe him to be.
  Having said that, I have walked in your brand of shoes, if not in the exact ones, so I do know where you're coming from.  When we've had a particularly trying day/week/month, I find I don't want to speak to him, look at him or interact in any way with him.  My behaviour towards him at times like this only condenses the situaton.  He is a child, and he doesn't care how I feel.  Did you care how your parents felt when you were a kid?  No.  They were just your parents, amorphous creatures that provided food and a bed.  It is your responsibility (and mine) to look past how I/we feel, know if I/we react differently, there might be some peace, which will improve how I/we feel.  Catch 22.
  Whoever it was who said you've inadvertently been teaching him to hide from the difficulties in his life (by hiding in your basement) is absolutely correct.
  No one is a perfect parent.  Every parent is going to go through trials, whether small or large, as yours are.  I despise those parents I see in the shopping centre with their perfectly well-mannered, sedate children while mine is tearing through the aisles as if it's his personal playground, or crying because I won't buy him a bottle of soft drink or a carton of milk.  You can read self-help books all you like (I've read a few in the last year or so), and you'll find one person is going to contradict another person, anyway.  I have learned all you can do is walk new avenues until you find one that will lead you to a harmonious relationship with your son.
  Your last post was very sad, and I do hope you haven't done anything drastic.
  If you've hit the bottom of the barrel, the only way left to go is up.

[teko]

Wow! An old post. But I am going to respond to it anyway. It is a desparate plea for help from a desparate mom. She is being honest in her question and seeking advice, obviously she is frustrated and emotionally at her wits end. I sense this along with guilt for feeling the way she does!

To the poster: This emotion of not liking your child is more normal than you think and kudos to you for reaching out. We love our children, yes you love your child too, however sometimes we do not like them! Yes, that is right and plain downright honest! Sometimes we just dont like them at all. In a family we have different personalities, all of us are different  and sometimes those different personalities  just clash! I had a situation with my daughter when she was small! I was like you and did not know which way to turn. She was very strong willed and knew how to push my buttons at any given time! I even went to a shrink to get help with the situation. She was small and beautiful and at that time, a snake in the grass! lol  Nothing worked and I was at my wits end. One day I went to see my mother who had had ten kids. I broke down into tears and told her that I think I hated this child! My mother smiled and told me the following: She said, you can give birth to multiple children with all different personalities and sometimes those personalities are not compatible in the same home. She laughed at me and said we all love our children, but sometimes we get one that we just dont like very much. I was having such guilt over this and thought something was so wrong with me because I did nt like this kid. I wanted too but just couldnt. I poured out my heart and my mother told me that the problem was that me and this child were just alike and that when she got older, we would be closer than any of the other children. It was made worse because out of six kids, this was my first girl too! Now going forward to now. My mother was absolutely right. This child and me are closer than any of the others, we are best buds and we both look back and laugh. We are so much alike that we can both have the same thought at the very same time and we will say something out loud at the same time! Scarey! lol

Take a look back and talk to your mom, your hubby and those that know you best and see if they do not see that you and this precious boy are just very much the same and use that insight to put a perspective on the situation. If this is the case, maybe you need to step back and let dad do most of the handling of him, because you simply may not be able to at this point in time. Take a breather, let the frustration settle and once it has calmed down,  come back with a different approach. Kids dont always like their parents either, and especially if you are very much alike! So take heart in knowing it is probably somethin you are both dealing with and realize you may have to step back from time to time and take a calming break! It will be okay, you will see.

[April2]

That's an interesting thought. I guess I never thought about that before. Maybe that's why my daughter and I are so close now, because we're so alike. But, boy, did we used to clash, a lot!
To the poster, Krissy, I know it's been 3 years. I hope things have improved with you and your son. God bless.

[maydell2004]

I hope that everyone's insight has helped some other parents because the krissy13 checked out on us at the beginning when she didn't like what we had to say... just like she did to her son. To bad. i hope that everything worked out.

[lilkiwi]

I was very sad to read both your posts. People have given lots of good advice but I have the feeling that you have either tried it or are worn out by now. Not everyone is going to be a perfect or even good parent or child. At some point you should probably come to terms with both your own and your sons strengths and weaknesses. Decide what you really want with/from him and what you have to offer.
Write him a letter, no emotive language and not too long just a clear statement. Say that you have had trouble relating but that you do want to have a relationship with him. Admit you have made some mistakes but dont go into them. Say what you hope for. You want to re-connect, maybe you could meet for a starbucks/movie etc. When you do meet,keep the interaction  short and positive. Try to meet whatever commitment you make. ( ie. once every 3 weeks) Do something small and achievable. If your son does not respond or declines he still has the letter you sent which may have value to him later. Your son is (?) nine years old now. His emotional maturity will be different than it was 2 years ago and this approach may help. You may feel that so many things have gotten out of control-your son, marriage, self esteem. From the tone of your last e-mail I think you really must take care of yourself first. Suicide is an awful option, look after you and then go from there. I guess counselling is the best option if you are suicidal. My heart is heavy for you, I really hope you can find some comfort.

[lilkiwi]

I was very sad to read both your posts. People have given lots of good advice but I have the feeling that you have either tried it or are worn out by now. Not everyone is going to be a perfect or even good parent or child. At some point you should probably come to terms with both your own and your sons strengths and weaknesses. Decide what you really want with/from him and what you have to offer.
Write him a letter, no emotive language and not too long just a clear statement. Say that you have had trouble relating but that you do want to have a relationship with him. Admit you have made some mistakes but dont go into them. Say what you hope for. You want to re-connect, maybe you could meet for a starbucks/movie etc. When you do meet,keep the interaction  short and positive. Try to meet whatever commitment you make. ( ie. once every 3 weeks) Do something small and achievable. If your son does not respond or declines he still has the letter you sent which may have value to him later. Your son is (?) nine years old now. His emotional maturity will be different than it was 2 years ago and this approach may help. You may feel that so many things have gotten out of control-your son, marriage, self esteem. From the tone of your last e-mail I think you really must take care of yourself first. Suicide is an awful option, look after you and then go from there. I guess counselling is the best option if you are suicidal. My heart is heavy for you, I really hope you can find some comfort.

[Bohulu]

There are many times I found it difficult with my kids. I felt guilty when I feel like Iost my mind. Disconnecting is a way some poeple cope. It may have worked in the past but I think you know it's not working now. It's ok. It's time to learn a new way of connecting and coping. I like Daniel siegels book parenting from the inside out. It helped me to see what issues I had brought to the table and how to connect with my kids. It's good that you are open, aware and willing to listen to answers. You aren't a horrible person, many have times coping. The great thing about kids is that you have to face who you are in order to be able to be there in the way you want to be there for them. Small steps, lots of awareness and willingness and I think you will see a big improvement it will melt your heart. Isn't that what you are looking for?

[sacnite]

I´m worry about both, Mom and son, Krissy since you´re the grown up you get the hardest part in this situation, and I mean that you are to be the one to do more than your son to fix this relation. First step is to really get to know that God you believe in, is not enough just to believe you will find all solutions through getting close to God, nothing will change until this is done, but don´t take too long since your son will soon be an exact copy of what you are now, and killing yourself won´t make things anybetter for him at all as being away from him isn´t.
It has been a year since you last wrote, I wonder how are you doing now,  I´m not a religious person i don´t even go to church but i´ve found in God all answers. Blesings to you Krissy and to your son whatever your situation and being is right now.

[StoneFox]

I understand where you are coming from. My son is 4 and a real pain in the a$$. I can't imagine him at 7! an even bigger pain in the a$$? I have observed one thing, he knows how to push my buttons and seems to enjoy it. A real wicked streak. You should try to re-establish your role as authoritarian ASAP. I don't know how, maybe find some books? that's my next step. and let him know who's boss. He is the child after all. and you only have 11 years left of his nonsense. As soon as he enters H.S, plan what college you will send him to. Sometimes I ask my son, why he is acting out. in  a really calm voice, just to see if it is just him being wicked or he really just wants attention. Maybe you should plan time away from the family with him. Take him to an outing that is just you two every week or once a month so he has somehting to look forward to.  You plan all month, go to the outing, plan the next outing. Find out why is striking out against you. I would also examine that stay at home dad, your husband could be bad mouthing you when you are not there. "Mommy would be mad if she found out about this..." or "You know mommy wouldn't like that..." but meanwhile he is doing it. like giving the boy ice cream or buying him toys when it isn't his birthday. All of this can cause him to loose respect for you.

[NOMA0512]

Krissy I hope you are well.  This post as sad as it is has made me more determined to make sure that my son(5) does not feel that it was a mistake that he was born.  He is very difficult as he is sensory and gets more in trouble than my daughter(3).  I am not making a comparison but he has told me that he thinks I love his sister more than him.  I know that it is not true but my daughter does not like to get into trouble and has never even be given time-out at school.  I told him that I love them the same(I also think he tries to manipulate me sometimes). You cannot punish somebody who has done nothing.

He behaves better when it is just the two of us(e.g. when his sister is taking a nap).  I think once a week I will do something with him alone about 30 minutes or so.  It must be very difficult to always feel that you are being compared to someone all the time.  

We all sometimes feel challenged as parents but the love for the children is what drive us to do better.

thanks to specialmom for the wise advice.

[lovbnamom2]

What do I do about my 6 year old lil girl that is all of a sudden not wanting to be at home with us (mommy & daddy)??
She is our only one and has been the center of our attention for the last 6yrs and recently she has started to come up on her own with going and staying the night and being with other family members, (her aunts,cousins,etc)
I'm just not used to my lil girl WANTING to be away from ME her MOMMY??
Is there any advice from anybody on this such stuff!
Is she just trying to be more independant and growing up?
Lovbnamom2

[sean40]

Take care Krissy and best wishes and good luck. I dont know what to do either hence why I am on here! I wont give up though.

[aworriedmother]

i am a mother of 5.. my 17 year old is unruly and out if control. he is violent, disrespectful and destructive. he has been in and out of hospitals(mental health). everytime i ask 4 help. be it psychiatrist, police, therapists...etc.. my cries go unheard and im told theres nuthin they can do 4 me.. most recent he pushed and hit me my arms and wrist bruised up, holes in walls broken windows, vandalised neighbors car, and threatens to damage alot of other things. its like no one who can help will help til im laying on the floor bleeding to death...i fear that they will want to release him home and that me and my younger children will again be in harms way. i fear for the safety and security of my home and family. the hospital states they will file abandonment charges if i don't allow him back in the home.. please HELP...

signed,
aworriedmother

[notsoperfect]

Krissy, are you still there? I read all the posts today and worry that you may have done something drastic. I hope you got some help for your depression, but I know when you're poor therapy isn't always an option, which is ironic, because it's often the poor who have the most stress and the most need.
I just came upon this today because I googled "I don't like my son". It's not true, I do like my son, but he's difficult and we had a bad day today.
He's 7 and he's whiny, needy, and bratty, and I don't know how to change his behavior.  I really want him to become a calm, rational, kind, polite adult, is that too much to ask?
I've been under-employed for several years now and it's really gotten to me. I hate being a maid cleaning up after him all day and in fact the beginning of summer vacation makes me want to cry knowing I'll have him at home every day. I really wish I could be a sweet, kind, loving parent, but sometimes I don't know how to start.
Today was bad. I swore at him and threatened to hurt him. Now I feel terrible and I apologized, but I need to make some changes in myself so that it doesn't happen again. I can't imagine how it sounded to his ears to hear his mother say that to him. I would like to think he won't remember it as an adult, but he probably will.
I feel like I have a limited amount of patience with his moods, a limited amount of imagination to entertain him and little desire to clean up after him.  You are NOT alone!

[mattn476]

    All of us are "not so perfect", but sometimes we forget, because we're
"not so perfect". Children need and deserve patience, love and understanding
and so do the rest of us.
    I tell my son every day how courageous he is to choose to not take his life. I hope to tell him again tomorrow.
   When a child cries for help, we try to help.
   What about the rest of us?

[anditsok]

All mothers dislike, dare I say hate, their children for at least a split second through out the struggles of parenting.
I am a parent educator, I have a child and my job is to teach parents that are in the child welfare system because of child abuse.
I know first hand what unloved and neglected children look like.
And if you think you are above the natural human response of projecting your frustration and fears of not being a "perfect" parent onto your innocent child you are deluded.
Take a Buddhist philosophy and apply it to parenting...everything is temporary. One second you will feel like snapping and the next you will melt at their adorable littel feet.
An ongoing problem needs help in the form of education and counseling (as to avoid being a family I would serve). We are imperfect humans so we are imperfect parents and ITS OK.

[phase2gnd]

My son is 11 and gas a 6 yr old brother...I too am not satisfied with the relationship I have with my son...he only appears to act out at home where there's structure...his younger brother however is a parents dream...very lovable and willing to do the correct actions to get attention...my oldest has been diagnosed with "ODD"...(OPOSISITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER) which makes him fine in other homes and environments because he can do whatever he wants...im list for an answer also and im an involved stay at home dad...mt wife makes good money at the local police department, and im in construction so I find myself at home alot recently...

[phase2gnd]

My son is 11 and gas a 6 yr old brother...I too am not satisfied with the relationship I have with my son...he only appears to act out at home where there's structure...his younger brother however is a parents dream...very lovable and willing to do the correct actions to get attention...my oldest has been diagnosed with "ODD"...(OPOSISITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER) which makes him fine in other homes and environments because he can do whatever he wants...im list for an answer also and im an involved stay at home dad...mt wife makes good money at the local police department, and im in construction so I find myself at home alot recently...however I have been certified as a foster parent also and been thru over 18 months of parenting classes and workshops

[phase2gnd]

I don't know what else to do...he sees a behavioralist 2x's a month and a psychiatrist once a month, and is way smarter than an the average 20 yr old however is lacking the life experience needed for the role he feels he plays in the world...I assume he he hate me as he does his brother cause of the annimosity of feeling he can't follow instructions, if its something he chooses not to do...he's even threatened to kill his younger brother and us very graphic about it...I often wonder when is it not because of "adhd" or "odd"....but because he's just an "a.s.s."...I wish someone would tell me to just walk across hot coals or cut off my hand and it will fix it, cause id do it...

[margypops]

the 11 yearold  jealous of the younger child ,'he is a parents dream' this is what you have said here about the youngest child  .no wonder the older child is unhappy , he probably picks up on that attitude ,maybe focus on his positive side and praise him when you see him doing something right, get his Dad doing guy things with him ,having fun and sports ..He is feeling left out ...

[margypops]

sorry this is so old and long ...I forgot to put the last post was for phasengod

[just_saying2]

What I want to know is: how come if the kid was at home with his MOM all day we'd all blame the MOM for the kid's behavior? But with this kid who stays home with the dad all day (why?) we STILL blame the mom??? Me, I'd check out the dad's role in all this: is he passive aggressive---manipulating by subtly rewarding the kid for acting toward the mom as HE himself would like to??? Or maybe he just wants to make staying at home with the kid seem like an unattractive job so that he gets to avoid working??? (I'm sure stay-at-home moms know a few like this also?)

[JojeeOgden]

I understand how you feel dear & I myself and im a similar situation...although he is my 6 year old step-son. I have tried and tried to like this kid. He never listens, tells me & his sister he hates me, interrupts and argues with me even about things he knows nothing about. harasses his sister, pees & poops his pants on purpose because it grosses me out, torments the neighbors dogs, screams at the top of his lungs when the other children are trying to sleep...and on and on and on. I am sorry...but why in the world should I like this kid when he so obviously does not like me and is a little jerk to his 2 sisters. Oh dont get me wrong, he's a perfect angel when his dad is around....most of the time. But im sorry..he is god awful, and his personality/behavior IS who he is. Most of the crap he does is willful & intentional. Why should I be nice & keep trying to get him to have a relationship with me,  just so he can dump on me.....I dont care if he is only 6 years old. So Krissy, dont worry...there are women out her who know exactly how you feel.

[dylansmummy03]

Ive just googled 'I hate my son' and im so glad i found this. My just turned 8 yr old son is actually so badly behaved right now,for the first time in my life i screamed 'I hate you; to him. I love my son more than anything in this world but his behaviour is just so out of control right now,he is making my life a misery. My partner and I are arguing constantly over it as he is my little boys stepdad. He is strict with my son in discipline and recently as he has been so naughty, feel all we are doing is shouting at him and my partner is ready to walk too. My sons real dad has him one a week and is a loser,who doesnt discipline him at all. I actually have thoughts of putting my son into care too,although i never would. I feel terible for feeling this way,i just wish he would listen to me,do as hes told,so we can both love him again. He is an angel for everyone else,and at school,very quiet little boy. I work part time and i do do things with him,although my spare time is limited. I just want my little boy back. He is 8 but seriously turning more and more into a baby again.

[margypops]

get help some therapy would be good .

[ohcalcutagirl]

sounds like u r ready to decide your son or your boy friend, that is sad
. . by the way, u addressed your message to  someone who wrote originally 4 years ago

if your child is perfect for everyone but u, then it can not possibly be that hard to figure out where the problems are.

hope u figure it out and have a better life

[margypops]

as its you that feels this way some therapy may help you ...good luck

[concernedparent101]

Are you kidding me, get him tested. Kids are kids. Obviously he is not getting any attention at home, he is bored, unchallenged, not fulfilled, disrespected; cause guess what moms and dads we can manage to disrespect our kids too just because they are children doesn't mean they aren't worthy of respect. RockRose I find that you might be the kind of person that uses riddlin on the young ones when necessary right. Or maybe a sleeping pill, a little extra cough syrup when they don't go to be on time. CHILDREN are WORK. If this womans husband is not providing the attention that her child needs when she is away that that is why she finds him so disruptive when he is around her. Because he is angry he blames both of them for his discomfort. I hate when people try to find a diagnosis for everything imaginable. Quit being LAZY people, they are not our little soldiers and are not just going to fall in command when they see us. Smarten up, use your head. Ask him WHAT IS WRONG. DO YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rj2011]

WOW How can you say that about your own child. You need to give him love spend time with him go to the park - chucky cheese - beach ANYTHING JUST Spend time with him. He is longing your love. THAT is all. How can you say that you want to get rid of him -- HE IS A PART OF YOU -- YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. You need to get talk to your husband to be a Father A PARENT and so do you. Get Help --- ITs called LOVE Show Love -- Give time to your child. He doesn't act like that other places because they show him love - that he is someone and important.

[vissidarte]

I am a woman in her mid-40's and I had a mom who never really bonded with me as a mom.  I don't think my mother was a bad person or even someone who didn't care.  She just had issues that made it hard for her.  Sometimes we both pretended that nothing was wrong and sometimes we fought. Sometimes she blamed me.  Sometimes I think she even felt guilty.  And just sometimes when the fun was more important than the loss, we were both able to say "so what, we have what we have and its nobody's business but ours".

I turned out OK.  I want you to know that because no one should want to die because they can't be the kind of mother they think they should be.  There are ways you can provide for your kid and help them with the reality of who you are, even if you really can't bring yourself to be the "mom".  Your child will grieve but he/she won't necessarily be destroyed.  

For me it was a lot like having a parent die.  It was hard.  it sometimes still is hard.  I don't think one ever gets over entirely the loss of a mother, even if she never really mothered you beyond giving birth.  But it didn't doom me or make me a damaged warped human being.

I think i turned out OK for three reasons.  First there were other people in my life who could give me a mothers love, most notably my Grandma.  I was loved and nurtured even if it wasn't the usual way.  My Grandma died when I was 24, but at least I have memory to look back on.  That resource of love has carried me through many difficulties.  There is no law that says love has to come from a specific source, so long as there is someone somewhere who does love your child and always see their best potential and encourage and empower them towards that.  If you can't be the one, help and support your child in finding others and they will grow strong.

Second, from time to time my mother was honest with me about it just being the way she felt.  I know people on this board have recommended pretending, but I think that only works if you can "act as if" without actually feeling "as if".  Love is indeed a behavior and not a feeling, but not everyone can act against their feelings.

Over the years my mother's moments of honesty have helped me understand that it wasn't my fault.   It also gave me my reality.  It is hard enough not having one's biological parents be one's main source of love, but if your child suspects the truth and you pretend, your child loses twice.   They won't have your love and they won't have truth.  Truth at least lets us grieve and move on.  Truth lets us accept love where it is given rather than endlessly try to dip into an empty well.

There are a million zillion people that hate the idea of a mother who does not bond.  They will tell the child over and over that she should just try harder, be more patient,  tell the parent that she/he is needed and loved, get a new attitude, be more respectful, etc, etc.  Those voices are hard because they put a lot of pressure on a kid and the mother to make nice even when the mother just doesn't want or can't have the expected relationship.  Healing only comes from accepting what is. Sometimes what is includes a desire for more.  But sometimes it doesn't.  It is still what is.

Third, she tried to find a way to connect to me that did work for her. If relating to your child as aunt rather than mother or as "someone else's kid" keeps the connection going, then do that.   Even if it is not in your heart to be the "mom", some connection is better than nothing I think, assuming you can manage it and feel good about it.

In my mother's case, she felt most comfortable in the role of sister (Grandma was also her mother).   That was sad for me, because I would have liked her to have been able to be my mom in every sense of the word.  However, I think it was better to have at least some relationship even if it wasn't the standard relationship.

So, again, what I want to say to the Krissy13's out there.  There is no right way to be a mother.  Even giving birth to someone is a huge achievement.  You gave someone life!  You played at least some role in the nurture even if it was only when your child was very very little.  That is an all important contribution even if it isn't as big as the contribution you thought you should make.

There is no shame in allowing your child to be nurtured by others if you really can't do it yourself.  There is no requirement that you go from the extreme of being everything to being nothing.  There is no shame in being honest with yourself and allowing both you and your child to grieve what maybe ought to be but still is beyond reach.    Allow yourself what you can, be honest with what you can't.   Ultimately love is not a role, but a relationship, whatever form it takes.

[teeluvsaruba]

To all of you women who chastized Krissy for coming her and being honest with her feeling instead of trying to help her shame on you.  Like you are the perfect mothers.  I went here to look for help with my child issues but i'll be damned if I'll write anything here and be judged by the likes of you.  You all must be angelic like mothers who are perfect cooking baking mothers.  Why are you on this site?  Really answer that question for me.  It certainly isn't to help anyone.  You're nothing but a coffee clutching but of not it alls.  God I can't stand people like you and I've had to deal with way to many of you.

[justtired36]

I have to say that I can't fully fault Krissy on how she feels... I am the mother of 3 boys.. My oldest who is 15 is absolutely HORRIBLE, I am already dealing with having an autistic teenager as my 13 year old is autistic and I also have a 6 year old.  Now, my 15 year old has been 'acting out' since he was 10 years old.. everything from stealing, to violence.  I have been beaten up on a weekly basis for 5 years, I have begged everyone from the cops to psychologists for help, I have gotten services in home to try to help him.. Now that he is 15, he is even more violent, mouthy, and is still stealing, now he is smoking and has even started touching the drug subject.  I truly can't stand to be around him.. I look at him and my stomach turns.. I have NOT raised my child to act this way and nothing short of jail is ever going to change him.. I have decided that I will be making a call to our dept of children services in hopes that they will put him in a group home that will teach him some form of disapline that he will respond to.  I am truly at the point that I can NOT do this any more.. I am tired of hiding the marks that my child leaves on me when he beats me up, I am tired of putting a smile on my face pretending that everything is fine.. I am also tired of having to lock EVERYTHING in my house up because my son is a thief.. if something doesn't give soon he WILL end up in jail ...
So am I in the wrong? NO I am not... there have been 100's of people who have tried to help me with my son and NOTHING has worked... now he is going to have to go somewhere else so I can protect my other children.. I will NOT allow him to hurt them or to try to instill these dispicable behaviours into them.. he is the posterboy for Juvinille Delinqency and I don't know if he can be helped at this point.  

[Cddlady]

This is not a very helpful answer!!!!  Ive had the same experience with my daughter and she later ended up having a diagnosis of aspergers syndrome.  I have to agree, i dont always like my daughter either!  I do love her though! People who haven't had to deal with these type of children think that there's always an easy answer!  It's a hard road to travel when you're dealing with a child with special needs!  Seek out some professional help and you might be surprised with the results.

[specialmom]

This is such an OLD post.  And quite a controversial one.  Maybe someone can start their own thread that is more current rather than getting fired up about things written years ago.  

[Meilena_MHModerator]

Please do start your own thread to share your own personal experiences directly.  We will close this thread.  All further comments will be removed.


******THREAD IS CLOSED********************

[specialmom]

I think this thread is supposed to be closed.  It is very old.

[Claire_MHModerator]

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