Step son always a problem

[mystere14u]

Hi, we have had custody of my 8 yr old step son this school year. We are having problems in many departments.. He is very sneaky and lies a lot to save his own self. He also acts up in class, always getting up or talking even after being corrected by the teacher. The teacher even went as far as turning his desk around to keep him focused, which seemed to help. When the it seems to be more of a problem or having him staying focused in class is after he comes home from a visit from his moms house. We have 2 other small children in the house and he is becoming a bad influence on our 4 yr old. He does a lot of sneaky things to make her angry and start fights or even hurts her when playing too rough. He tries to lie about what has happened to not get in trouble, but we know his game.Also when we have a lot of family gatherings he tends to really act up, lies a lot to the other kids and say things that should not be said, hurtful things. When confronted he just looks at us with a blank stare  or once again lies to us about what was said..We have tried many different forms of grounding, taking away things that he has to earn back with good behavior.. Nothing seems to work we have even gone as far as spanking and all the does is make him cry for a second then he is over it and back to his same behavior.. We are so lost on what to do to help him., We have tried team sports and even then he casued problems or fights.. There is so much more I could write.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. We don't want to give up on him and send him back home where all the problems seem to stem from but I don't know what we can do for him.. Thank you for your time..

Worried step mom

[Sandman2]

    Good ideas by all of the above.  I do agree that spending more time with any child is always important.  But I do think that finding out what the problem is - is really important.  You cannot cure the problem if you don't know what it is.  And there is obviously a problem.  I like specialmoms suggestion of the 504.  The book I suggested tells how to set one up and makes recommendations of specific actions that will help the child.

[specialmom]

Oh-------- I had one other comment as well.  Often handwriting if difficult to a child in early years causes problems.  A 504 plan may also allow an occupational therapist to work with a child to make it easier.  Grips may be provided, slant boards, things like that.  By making handwriting easier---------  a child may be able to do their work easier.  Be less motivated to act up in class.  Some of this is classic to the early elementary years and finding ways to help the child seems like a no brainer to me.  

[specialmom]

You can get a 504 plan for any number of reasons at school.  Why they may put a child under a particular heading for the plan, a child need not have a true diagnosis.  A 504 plan is simply a list of things that the school can do to make a child's life better in the classroom.   On a 504 plan you might find something like-------- a child can not have their recess taken away as punishment (when physical activity is calming to a child like mine).  I just attended a seminar on this and these types of plans are helpful to a child.  They encompass the things a school can do to accomadate the individual needs of a child.  My son may need a run outside to calm himself---------- a 504 plan makes this happen.

A diagnosis is just a word.  Helping a child feel better and do better is what counts.  By whatever means necessary.

I am not against consequences for a child to learn by but do feel that when punishment is so punitive in nature, it can be detrimental.  Especially to a child that might have some emotional or developmental issues going on.  Physical punishment of a child like this is not appropriate.  

I do believe your step son is sad.  I hope that you can get a handle on that so that he can feel 'stable' and secure again.  Peace.

[margypops]

When you say we.. is his father on the same page as you especially with the punishing ..I don't happen to believe that all children especially step children who have lost a parent have something like one of the labelled disorders, I would  try some counseling before you go the route of getting him diagnosed with anything. I don't he sounds as if he needs it.my opinion.hes feeling upset and left out needs extra attention and his Dad should be out playing ball games and having fun with him ....

[specialmom]

Hi.  I also thought that I would mention that schools really push back on testing a child for anything if the academic performance is there which it sounds like your son is doing so much better with at his new school.  My own school will tell you that a child does not qualify for an IEP if they are academically doing alright.  They fail to mention that there are things like a 504 plan that puts into place classroom things that help a child do better all the way around.  (many think schools love to test and label kids but I have found that NOT to be the case and actually the opposite.  They'd rather not unless they have to.)  

By law, they must evaluate  a child if a parent requests it.  They have to do it in a specific period of time as well.  If you ask now, it will happen in the next 6 weeks most likely and you could have something in place for him by next year.  A 504 plan might have things in it like he could have one of those seat pads that allow a child to wiggle--------- so they can fidget and move without getting out of their seats or being distracting, or they can have a piece of gum when they are losing focus, etc.  

And when he is evaluated, I'd ask for the whole gamit of tests--------- have him seen by the occupational therapist (handwriting issues would indicate a need for OT), physical therapist and psychologist.  

While on the topic of psychologist----------- especially if you have insurance, it might be beneficial to begin some therapy with a child psychologist with this boy.  He's young and it is very difficult to experience some of the things he has.  Two divorces, leaving a mother that then does not contact you often, all hard on a child's psyche.  

These are things to think about------------  but I think that there is help out there for your step son to be happier and more successful.  You are smart to want to look into that.  I hope that you are able to find some help.  I do not underestimate the damage some of the huge changes in his life have done (the moves, divorces, etc.) and acting out is common with that.  I also think a bit more could be going on and worth your checking into.  Sometimes we have to force the issue to get to the bottom of it.  But it is worth it in the end.

And honestly, this child also needs to feel quite loved and stable where he is at right now.  So give him extra patience and kindness.  good luck

[Sandman2]

    You have a very bright child who almost failed second grade.  There is something very wrong with that and I am glad to see you are trying to deal with that.  I have been posting on the ADHD forum for over 4 years now.  I have read thousands of posts, and responded to about as many.  He has all the symptoms of a child with ADHD.  The sad thing is that if he does have this, your means of dealing with his behavior are very ineffective.  A point system will not work with an ADHD child.  I am guessing that his teacher has not had much experience with ADHD children.  Many of them are very bright!  
    Frankly, you need information and fast.  Its possible he does not have ADHD, but it is something that needs to be explored.  You cannot help someone unless you know what the problem is.   I urge you to get the book,  "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.  It will cover everything you need to know from symptoms to discipline to getting the school to help you.  A web site that will help is http://www.ncpamd.com/adhd.htm#Attention%20Deficit%20Disorder%20in%20Children%20and%20Adolescents
   If you have any specific questions - heck, questions at all please post.  You might want to do so on the ADHD site here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175    ;
     As I monitor that one much more closely then this one. Best wishes.          

[mystere14u]

and yes specail mom his penmanship is horrible....seems like he rushses...

[mystere14u]

In July he is in 3rd

[mystere14u]

Well, we are trying to be fair and we have tried the point system where he earns things back.. And still nothing. The teachers say he is a bright kid and they don't think he has ADHD because I have asked for them to test him.. And we even got a call from the teacher this morning that he has been worse then ever.And that she hasn't had such a difficult student in years. We are at a loss.. So I am contacting the school for numbers of some behavior counciling.

Also we have been apart of his life for years.. We found out last year that he almost didn't pass 2nd grade, so we ask his mom to try him here to see what happens.. He totally improved and is even an honor roll student. His mom has jumped around for years and before we all agreed on him coming with us he was going through a divorce on her end. She NEVER calls him unless other family members ask her too.. So he I think really hasn't be in a stable family life ever. So, I am not sure where he is at in his mind. We have tried sitting him down and talking to him and all he says is he doesn't know why.. I do think he is jealous of our girls cause his father is different with them then he is with him.. he loves his son, but I am not sure he knows how to be a parent to him. So we are going to try the counciling route and see what helps him.. Oh and he is not being bullied, but was doing the bullying. Thank you all for your posts...

[Sandman2]

   Since you got custody this year, it should mean that it is his first year at a new school.  That means they had no track record on him.  It may be that being the new kid, he acts out in school to get attention, however that normally does not go on all year.  I would see if you could see his records from last year.  If he had the same problems at that school, I would arrange to get him tested for ADHD.  
   By the way (standard question) when is his birthday.  I assume that he is in 2nd or 3rd grade?

[RockRose]

I really don't see how it's fair to anyone to "send him back home" - half of his "home" should be with you,  since you are married to his father.  You can't just decide that a difficult,  struggling child is too irritating to have to deal with.  This is your husband's life long commitment.  

It seems to me he's jealous and feels unwanted.  (Before you say he's very wanted,  reread your statement about preparing  to send him back home).  Your two kids have his father full time,  and a stable home,  and he has no one full time and is shuttled back and forth.  That makes a LOT of kids "play too roughly" with the little ones.  It doesn't seem fair the amount of stability/love/parenting some get and some don't.  

[Tourniquet]

He doesn't have ADHD? Or Maybe he's got things he is hiding that he has no other way to say it or is afraid to talk. By not showing it he is rather showing anger and trouble. Unless kids are picking on him...Sometimes when things are happening to kids, they tend to react a certain way with rage..Or maybe he feels left out in the family..Whatever is happening to him at his mom house..idk..But since you guys tried grounding him spanking him...and that didn't seem to work maybe it's because it became a hibbit for him in getting grounded a lot, getting spanked a lot...try doing what 'Teddybears4ever2' mentioned and slowly you'll start to see some better changes. If that don't work either then try sitting him down and ask him if anyone is hurting or bullying him and doing things to him..he needs a lot of love.

[teddybears4ever2]

I think you need to find ways to enforce positive behavior. Like if he is good for x- amount of days then he could go to a movie with one of you, get some fast food, get some candy, or even a toy that he really wants.  You can even tell him this, many kids like to be rewarded for being good.