11 year old girl wont sleep in her own bed

[michb1971]

About 6 months ago, just before starting secondary school, my 11 year old daughter stopped wanting to sleep in her own bed and also will not sleep through the night.  This was obviously due to anxiety about starting her new school, but now it has got into a endless cycle which has resulted in no one being able to get a night's sleep.  We started off being firm with her but this always ends with her shouting, screaming and throwing a fit, but as we also have a 7 year old who is fast asleep and we dont want to wake we normally have to give in.  This firstly was one of us staying in her bed with her for the majority of the night but has now resulted in her coming into our bed and one of us getting out and sleeping in hers, through sheer exhaustion.  We have contacted a specialist and she is going to start therapy in a few weeks as they diagnosed separation anxiety.  I just dont think I can take another 6 months of not sleeping.  We have tried talking her through her problems but she just says she doesnt know why.  We don't even have an evening together as parents as my daughter will take up all the night getting us to come up and down the stairs to her.  Any suggestions that you could make would be wonderful.  I know that we have to get tough and believe me we have tried but these only work on a more placid child.  

[tejodouro]

Have you tried to reward her for sleeping in her own bed? For example, start out with small steps.  Tell her that if she sleeps in her bed for 3 nights this week, she can do something that she really likes and special on Saturday such as going out  to pizza with you (alone) for lunch.  Make a chart with boxes for each of the 3 days and put a happy face for each day that she sleeps by herself. If she does it, reward her.  The following week, increase it to a full week. Make the chart for full week and find a new reward that she wants.  Keep on increasing the number of days.  Tell her that once she sleeps for one month in her bed, she can have "x" toy or game or video and she is graduating from this process. Make a big deal at the end by giving her the gift, maybe a special desert and a graduation certificate.  Good luck.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You have done the correct thing by arranging help. Now you have to help yourselves. You know that you have established some bad habits and the situation won't improve until you change. Bite the bullet and stop accommodating her behavior. There is no painless way to do this.