Grandfather Sleeping with Grandson

[Spaki]

When my son, 6, has slept over at my wife's parents' house, my grandfather has always ended up sleeping with him.  They build a fort or set up a tent and slept in it together.  When he slept at our house once, babysitting while we were away, he did the same thing.  He often jokes with my son about sleeping in his bunkbed or sleeping in a fort.  I feel that it is very inappropriate.  I have voiced my concerns and ask that he sleep in a bed by himself but the last time he slept over there, they again slept together.

My wife feels fine with this.  I find it inappropriate and don't want him to sleep there anymore.  My wife says he's going to no matter what I say.  Do you have any advice for me?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Good. It sounds like you are adopting a prudent, balanced approach.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This situation has really become unglued, and that is not surprising because it taps into some of the most serious concerns parents have for their children. Based on your description of your father-in-laws' behavior, it is outside the norm and not at all the usual type of relationship grandparents have with the ir children. Continue to keep your eyes and ears open, because there is reason for concern. But perhaps you can all 'smoke the peace pipe' and resume good relations. The very fact that you have aired your concern will be helpful in shining a light on the situation.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Has your son voiced any indication that something illicit is occurring? Sometimes it's best that we pay attention to our intuitions, but at the same time we don't want to be making a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak. Your concern is valid - it just requires a little investigating. And, continue to communicate with your wife about this and listen carefully to what she is saying. There's no need for this to have a negative impact on your marriage.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is important that you and your wife work this disagreement out. Whether and under what circumstances a child visits his grandparents is no small matter, and you and your wife should be 'on the same page' about this. Seek some professional intervention if you think that might be helpful. Is your concern that there might be some sexual motivation on the part of the grandfather?

[Spaki]

Thank you so much for your help.  I have been able to talk with my father in law and clear the air.  He actually understands where I'm coming from and we had a long, frank discussion about the whole thing.  I do have a little overprotectiveness in me and maybe an exaggerated sense of distrust in any male adult that likes to play with kids that are not their own.  Though I believe my nervousness is valid in many senses it's certainly overplayed in others.   If only I could have a similar conversation with my wife and mother in law.  They seem to come from the same mold, I'm afraid.

So my main problem here is my marriage, I believe.  Writng this out and having your comments has been really helpful and allowed me to see where my concerns really lie.

[Spaki]

My son has not voiced any indication of something illicit happening.  The reason for my concern or feeling is that my father in law, when with my son, tends to hold him a lot, rub faces, rubs his arms and legs constantly, licks his face and talks and jokes about sleeping together with him.  It just sets off my "creepy" alarm bells.

The mole hill has become a mountain.  I had indicated to my son that I would like him to sleep in a bed by himself when he went to grandpas (a mistake, I realize), he told my father in law that he wasn't allowed to sleep with grandpa because "Daddy said.".  My father in law confronted me on this.  I said that I wasn't comfortable with adults sleeping with children and that it wasn't anything to do with him.  I said I wanted my son to know that it's not right for adults and kids to sleep together to protect him in case he's ever in a situation (and here's where I really messed up), like with a scout leader or something, not thinking my father in law was in scouts when he was a kid. Also my kid's not in scouts.  My wife says I said something about alter boys too but I don't remember what - he was also an alter boy.  Just a complete bonehead thing to say.  It's just in my head that when this is the subject - scout leaders and preists pop into my head and the confrontation took me by surprise.

He later phoned and talked to my wife about this.  My wife agreed with him that she just couldn't understand it either.  They did a read between the lines on the boy scout thing and concluded I meant that he was a *********.  My wife told my son that "Daddy thinks your grandpa is a bad person."  My wife then talked to her mom and told her that I thought my wife's father was creepy and and *********.  This went through her mom's work with all opinions coming back that I was just the worst kind of person in the world, noting that my father in law is the best person ever, loves to play with his grandson, is just a big kid at heart, wish my kids had a grandpa like that and so on.  My wife also told two of her friends (I am, or maybe was, friends with their husbands - we hung around as couples) the same story and got the same reaction back.

I have voiced this same opinion to my wife for a long time and never has she been completely disguted with me for it or at least hasn't acted that she was.  She had told her parents that I wanted Jack to sleep in a bed when he was sleeping over in the past.  But it kept happening.  I don't know where to go from here.

[Spaki]

I don't know.  I have no concrete basis for feeling there's any sexual motivation.  I simply feel really uncomfortable with it.  A creepy feeling.  My wife can't even look at me right now because I've expressed this.  I feel that I have to back down or lose my marriage.