HOW/WHEN TO TELL ABOUT BIOLOGICAL FATHER?

[wannabmommy]

My daughter is now 9 yrs old.When I got pregnant with her I told the biological father and he denied it was his.I was only 17 and figured that I was really pregnant because there was an accident with the condom.(I was very naive).So I told him a few days later after it happened that I was pregnant which I really hadn't taken a pregnany test,I just assumed I would be pregnant.So he then said it is impossible that he was the father to find out that fast.So I waited another 2 weeks and took a pregnancy test.It was positive.I even told him I was willing to take a DNA test after she was born.So I told him and one day he wanted to be there and the next he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.He was heavily involved in drugs,guns and gangs.He was not trying to quit any of those things he just got more involved.I told him I was gonna move and he said he could care less.So I met my new husband he he has been her father even through the prenancy.He is the only father she knows.I feel guilty that if I hadn't have told him that I was pregnant so soon after it happened then maybe he would have been there.But even then the lifestyle he was leading would have probably gotten me or her killed.My husband has done nothing but to love her and take care of her.My question is should I feel the guilt because of what I told him?In my heart I felt I did the right thing by protecting her from that lifestyle.Have any of you out there been in this situation or has been told that your father is not your biological father and at what age?This has just been a HUGE weight on my shoulders.Any advice would be mush appreciated.Thank you.


This discussion is related to When to tell child about his biological father and his Step dad.

[wannabmommy]

Thank you so much for your advice and stories.I agree with both you but I just wanted to make sure I was making the right decision.I am just so afraid that she will hate me for making that decision or for keeping it from her if/when she finds out.But her safety and good up bringing is far more important than if she will be upset with me from keeping it from her.Again thank you so much for your responses.

[babygirl6152]

feel guilty no more- you did what you needed to do-
My niece went thru something similar with her two girls- the dad they think is dad is really only dad to ONE girl/ and she even talked to our priest about it- all he said to do was "pray for wisdom"- After that she asked both me and my husband -in her instance it would have actually put her girls at each other's throats more as they fuss a lot together already - 2 years apart age 10 + 12/ one is very pretty one is homely, one is chatty, one is quiet, one is tall and slim the other short and chunky this would have even put more problems between them - one finding out that is probably why she looks so different too- she was the beautiful slim one at younger age- now the eldest is pretty and slim and the one that always got all the attention for being chatty is more of a busy - body- don't get me wrong but THOSE TWO have always wondered why they are so different- this would just open  up a whole bag of worms to pull them even farther apart... their bio father's are also nowhere in the picture- by their choice.
Now if one day at a much later date for medical reasons you decide she should know- then it may be best- my husband is adopted although he can't remember a time when he didn't know he was adopted, all the "moms and dads" when he was 30 asked him if he watned to meet his bio parents and it went very well- they met to discuss medical backgrounds and she has left him half a million in her will. He doesn't really care about that- the will may even be changed down the road- but he is glad he met everyone.

too much info?

[treazzure007]

this is not news to share w/ a child.  it only confuses them.  sometimes, it backfires and instead of them saying i have a loving mother and stepfather they say to themselves i was rejected and was not wanted or some mess like that.  also, if they enter a rebellious stage (that teens usually go through) they will likely not mind pointing out that their stepfather isn't their 'real' father anyway, so shut up.  just some things i have heard of and seen happen

let her ask you on her own or you could wait until she is grown (18+)  maybe she'll go look for him.  maybe she won't.  it's not that big a deal.  sadly enough though, single parent families and stepparent families are the norm and loving nurturing parents of whatever form are all that matters anyway.  she'd have more of a clear understanding of that at a later date