How do I know if my 3 year old is telling the truth about molestation?

My 3 year old daughter told me last night that my husband (her father) cleans her pee pee with his pee pee. I was shocked so I asked her to repeat herself, and she said, he always does that stuff, so I said, what stuff? She then said, bad stuff. I honestly do not believe that my husband would do that, but I want to protect my daughter and if by chance he is doing what she says, I want to have it investigated. This is why I don't believe that my husband would do this: 1. my husband's brother raped my husbands friend when he was 12, and my husband testified that his friend confided in him, his brother was in prison for 17 years and he hates his brother for what he did. 2. my niece and nephew has always been comfortable around him and love to be at my house. 3. My daughter doesn't act weird or sad around my husband, and misses him when he is not around. 4. My husband doesn't want my daughter around my grandfather alone because my grandfather is a little too touchy feely with his grandkids. 5. My husband has no history of being a molester (a family member did an extensive background check on him before we got together), and he has been in relationships with women who had small children before he met me (there have never been accusations made by those children that I know of). 6. My husband got into trouble for physically assaulting a man who raped his friend's young daughter. 7. My daughter has been caught telling fibs. She told my fiance that there was a man here while he was gone, and there really was no man or any person at all that came over. She also said mommy, stop tickling my pee pee, but I was tickling her stomach. She knows the difference between the 2, so I don't know why she said it. There are many times where she has said things like that, and my husband and I always wonder where she comes up with such things. 8. After she said what she said to me last night, she changed it to, Daddy cleans my pee pee when I take a bath. I told her that daddy has to clean her pee pee when she takes a bath. I also confronted my husband, and he seemed just as shocked as me. When he talked to her, he asked her why she said what she said in a calm manner, and she said because you clean my pee pee when I take a bath. She takes baths at night, when we are both home, and I have watched him wash her body before, and it never looks like he has intentions other than just giving her a bath. I don't know what to do. Should I bring it up with her again? Should I talk to him? Should I check her out or have her checked out? She never complains about her pee pee or butt hurting. The only thing strange that she does is say that her underwear is stuck in her butt, and she will digg it out, but when I asked other parents about it, they said that their children did similar things. I want to keep her safe and I want to believe her, but I also don't want to do anything just to find out that this is not true. Please help!    

[mommie916]

This would be really hard to have on your mind. I can imagine that you are lost and dont know what to do. I would say just keep and eye on your daughter and maybe ask her every once in awhile if anyone has touched her pee pee. I was molested when I was about 5 by my step father and I never told my mother becasue I was so scared and i thought that he loved me since he was my father figure so i wasnt sure if it was wrong or not. Eventually my mother asked me specifically if anyone was touching my privates and I told her. I think it is ver important to ask you children about this issue. I have 2 daughters and the oldest is 6. I have been asking her and will continue to ask her, usually monthly or if she spends the night at anyones house(even family members), if anyone has touched her private. I let her know I wont be mad and I am just making sure because it is not a good thing. It would be a hrad situation because you want to believe your daughter becuse the accusation is so serious, but you cant imagine that your husband would do anything like that. I wanna say just be careflu because you can never be sure who is capable of of molesting a child.

[mammo]

Children this age are not capable of making this type of thing up. This is her daddy and she loves him and trusts that what he does is okay.  This doesn't make her love him any less, or not want to be around him.  If you are watching, of course he's not going to do anything inappropriate, and I think I would start bathing her myself.  I would have her checked out to start with, and then keep a very watchful eye on her and your husband.  Your husband has a brother that acted in an inappropriate way sexually, so this type of behavior is in the family.  He seems to be a little too familiar with this, and having so many cases of this in his life and him always coming to the rescue.......not sure I buy all that.  It's almost as if he wants to present with the apperance of loathing what he actually is, to throw off suspicions.  If you are present when your daughter is with your grandfather, he cannot be too touchy feely, but still your husband plays this up big time. One in 3 households have sexual abuse going on, and where would your little girl have come up with this so young, or at any age?  We never want to believe our husbands would do such a thing, but like you said....you need to protect your daughter.  She's too young to make this up.  It's common for a mother when told by her daughter that her father is touching her inappropriately to think they are lying, the truth is a tough pill to swallow.  It may just be that your husband has never been charged, the mothers didn't believe the other little girls, maybe they never said anything to their mothers.  Men who abuse have ways of keeping the little girls quiet, and at 3, she doesn't even know it's wrong, she's trusting daddy to not do anything to hurt her.  She even thought it was okay to share it with you, how innocent is that!  I went thru it as a little girl, and my mother called me a liar.  I left home early, and one day got a call from my mom that my sister had approached her about my dad doing this to her.  Again, my mom was furious and called my sister a liar!  I was able to rise above it all, but my poor sister has been messed up all her life over this.  Trust in what your daughter is saying, and think about how often your husband has been involved in these things with him always being the good guy, it just seems abit fishy to me.  I know you feel like the sky just fell in on you, and I do wish you all the best.

[worriedkymom26]

i worry about the same things with my children i think its every mothers worry that someone you trust someone your children would trust would hurt them in this way. I do know you could take her to a child pyscologist (i know its spelled wrong lol) and they can do an observation of her and they can tell by the way she would act or play with dolls in a certain way if she has been touched or anything of that nature. i hope this helps

[tinkerbell1124]

I'm really NOT sure what to tell you. It's NOT something I'd take lightly. The fact that your husband as been around alot of bad people like that, would make we think twice. And IF he IS doing it, he's NEVER going to tell you. And people like that have a GOOD way of putting on a front to others so they wouldn't believe they would ever do that. I'm NOT trying to scare you by saying that. I would bring it up with her again. When daddy NOT around, NOT even in the house. It's a HARD situation, but I would NEVER take any chances with my son.

[tinkerbell1124]

I completely agree with mammo. Kids that age just don't make things like that up!!! They don't! She's 3 for god sakes. Where would that come from???

[babymomma18]

right kids at that agewouldnt make that up, unless they are watching it maybe and imsure you dont let your 3 yr old watch porn, on the other hand as for because he was around bad people is a crock of $h*t, my husband was around people like that growing up, obviously not by choice, and was eventually take outta the home, but that does not mean he i going to do things like that,( thats like saying because his dad is a murderer he is gong to be a murderer) i agree with worriedkymom take her to a specialist and goe from there

[yngdad]

I agree with babymomma18. Just because u are around something doesn't mean u will be that way. I was abused as a lil boy till I was old enough to get away. I'm not a child molester. I say believe uer child. Kids that young don't come up with stuff like that out of the blue. If it wasn't her daddy it could be someone else she's learned it from. Becareful who u leave her with. Her dad sounds like a normal father, before u do anything talk to her and ask her about it. If she changes her story then don't worry about it. If she keeps the same onE. Then take action. If she is being abused it may be another adult, and they could be telling her to blame her daddy. Is she Ever alone with her uncle? Also, if she has seen his penis, ask her what it looks like. If he has soemthing specific down there and she tells u, then there's ur answer.Good luck.

[margypops]

I agree with mammo children of that age do not lie ... maybe if you are undecided here go to the expert/doctor forum and child behavior and ask them...if she said it was her father then it was. So you better not leave her or any child alone he is at risk doing this to others .perhaps you better ask advice from child services .,this has to be dealt with nasty as it is for you.

[babymomma18]

i also agree with yngdad, it could be another male in her life, im not saying its not the dad, but i also strongly disagree that cuz of his life growing up( the people he was around) does notr mean he is gonna do it too.

[mammo]

When this type of behavior is in the family it is possible that others have a predisposition to it.  I was abused as a child but never abused my own and God help anyone who did,  But you have to keep an open mind about these things and not be so defensive!  Nobody said this is written in stone, but being closed minded does no good when it comes to this type of behavior.  It's a known fact that children who are abused  often  become abusers themselves,  Not saying everyone, but this woman needs to keep an open mind, I don't understand why all the defensiveness.  I wouldn't be offended due to eduacating myself on this topic.  It makes osme keenly aware of how wrong this is, while others see it as a natural thing.  Relax......nobody is accusing anyone of anything.

[babymomma18]

well no im not getting deffensive just my oppinion, i do agree with you for sure, this is a hard subject and i feel so so bad for this woman who is in this situation

[mammo]

I don't ever mean to offend anyone, but having been a victim of child abuse, my heart aches for this little girl and her mother.  I think we all want what is best for both of them.
Take care.

[margypops]

Yes we do and all avenues have to be looked at to protect her , whoever it was , unfortunatly it does happen a lot.particularly in families. I too hate the dillemma moms are put in but protecting the child is the most important thing.

[jme42]

I think that kids can't make up sexual activity as they don't know about it, however, sometimes the person they accuse is not the abuser, sometimes they pick a person who is safe to them because the abuser could have threatened them.  Watch her behavior/play for more symptoms, explain to her about good and bad touch, remove her father from the option of being the abuser by not having him give any private care.  Therefore, if she says "daddy did this" you know that it may not be him as he wasn't in a position to do anything to her.

[NannieandPoppie]

My husband and I have our grandchildren once a month for 5 or 6 days.  Around three months ago our 3 year old granddaughter started complaining to us that her pee pee hurt.  Our grand daughter also started using the word ***** and ****. She started putting her baby dolls together when she was playing and started making smooching sounds and pushed them together as if they were having sex.   Our daughter mysteriouslly died a year ago. Our grand daughter told me that daddy was showing her a picture of a bad man and that he told her that if she did not do what he told her to do that the bad man was going to come out of his phone and that he was going to hurt her. Last month she woke up around 1:30 in the morning while she was visiting screaming and yelling out that her pee pee hurt.  She was uncontrollable and started telling me and my husband that daddy had hut her bad.  I asked her how daddy hurt her and she told us that she could not tell Nannie because daddy told her not to talk to Nannie about it because it was a secret.  This month she started complaining to me that her pee pee hurt and I decided to check it this time.  It was not like a heat rash or a normal problem little girls have.  Her vaginal muscle was real red and swollen.  I have never asked our granddaughter questions about my concerns because I didn't want to make her afraid to talk.  Our  family went to the zoo and out of the blue our precious grand daughter put her arms around me and told me that  daddy had a stick with something funny on the end of it, and, that he told her the bad man in the picture was going to hurt her if she did not do what he told her to do, then, she told me that daddy put his penis in her body.  It makes me so sick that parents and grand parents wonder if their child or grand child are telling the truth.  WAKE UP!!!  We have  to believe our children and grand children. My husband and I took her to the emergency room to see if she had a  bladder infection and the doctor Left the exam room returning to ask us  if we knew if anyone had hurt her in her vaginal area or if we thought any one was sexually abusing her.  We had to tell him our concerns that we had.  For the love of our children...and grand children...listen to these children.  A three year old does not make up lies about sex unless they have been exposed to it or they are being abusesd by someone sick in the head.  Thank God... Our concerns are under investigation.  PROTECT YOUR CHILD!

[margypops]

May I ask what happened to the father and werechild services  called , I see you did all the questioning, did her mom get involved in any way ?

[Angelsmama]

First, let me say that I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is hard to believe, but you really need to believe your daughter over your husband.  Part of my job is reading police reports, court transcripts and arrest reports for court cases.  You would not believe the number of children who have come forward and told that a parent/grandparent/trusted family friend/babysitter or whoever was molesting them and nobody believed them.  Then, years later, it all comes out and now the child's life is ruined, they don't' trust anyone and can't have a normal relationship.

I have a 4 year old who just turned 4 and I know what you mean about fibbing, they are good at it and do it without even batting an eyelash, however, I know that some things are just beyond their comprehension and they can't just make that up.  If you have ANY doubts that she is lying, if you EVER caught him or even get a little suspicious, you should act on what she is telling you.  The reason I even came across your posting is because my child was overheard telling another kid at daycare to touch his pee-pee, I am desperately trying to make sure it is just a 4 year old kid thing and NOT that he is being molested by someone.

For the time being, until you can gather some more facts, maybe ask her again in a day or two without asking leading questions and make sure that for right now you do all the bathing, bathroom help etc and don't leave him alone with her for even a minute.  That way you can say for  certain that for this many days it is impossible for anything to happen between them.  If she tells the same story in a few days, I would say seek professional help, a doctor, counselor, the police, whatever you think is needed.

I know this must be heart breaking and scary for you, but my younger sister and I were 4 and 5 years old when we went to spend a couple of weeks with my Aunt and Uncle for the summer.  My Aunt was working nights, so she left us with my Uncle while she worked.  He not only molested both of us, but on two occasions had a friend of his come over and they both molested us, together.  We were threatened not to tell what happened or bad things would happen to our Mom.  We NEVER told anyone until we were adults and even then, nobody did anything about it, my Aunt (who isn't with him anymore) even said that we should forget about it because he "found God now" and is the pastor of a church now!  Shortly after this happened, my Mom starting going to night school, when my little sister was 5 and I was 6.  Her friend has a teenage daughter and a teenage son who would babysit us.  Not long after they started babysitting us, the teenage son would ask me to play "house" with him.  He would be the husband and I would be the wife.  Again, I was threatened not to tell, and one time I did say was going to tell my mom, he chased me through the house until I was stuck up against the outside door and punched the door just over my head, putting a hold in the door.  He then told me that if I ever told my mom, the hold would be in my face next time.  Needless to say, I didn't tell my mom.  

The files that I read at work are heartbreaking, fathers, step fathers, brothers, step brothers, grandfathers, uncles, trusted friends, pastors, teachers, coaches and more.  Nobody is immune it seems.  You really need to trust your gut instincts here, but be hyper vigilant also. Your daughter needs and deserves your unwavering faith in her if what she is saying is true.  I cant' stand to read a file where the child has confided in someone and that person refuses to believe her and she continues to be abused because there is no one to help her.  Hopefully the answer will be that she is making it up, but please be sure that is the case.  I am thinking about you and praying for your family.

[margypops]

Good post Angelsmama...I t would be good to hear an update from CMM

[matey1982]

get ur daughter examined and get your husband out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lis51]

I would have her checked by your pediatrician. She would have no reason to make this up, she is ashamed that´s why she changes the subject (to saying that daddy washes her at bathtime)  Please keep a close eye on her (everywhere), place cameras, be very aware at daycare also. Support her, talk with her, explain to her that no one can touch her private areas. I would not let him bathe her if I had doubts. Maybe it´s not happening at home, maybe it´s somebody else.

[AnnieMichelle]

its really hard to believe that a little girl would just come up with that out of no where.. kids dont say stuff like that unless it really happens..my advice would be to take her to a doctor and let them examine her to make sure shes alright. thanks for reading! i hope this helps

[AnnieMichelle]

did you ever find out what happened?

[mizzteriouz]

Similar Situation!!!!
My daughter who is now going on 4 lives with me full time and bi weekly visits her father... During the summer he asked if she can stay with him because he wanted to sign her up in a summer camp and I agreed that would be fine... So when she comes home its like for 2 days I was not working she was always with me... She went back and told her grandma (dads side) that my fiance had kicked her in the back and threw her against the wall... I was like um that never happened because for one I was always with her except when she is sleeping... Time goes by I let her stay with her dad for a few months because my house is boring and I know she has a good time over there.... So recently we fixed a schedule on visitation... we are back to her living with me and him his visitation... I don't work just go to school and when i'm at school she is with her dad.... I pick her up from dads and my daughter is crying her brains out as always because she doesnt want to go home with me... Nothing new!!! She tells me that my daughter said that my fiance hurts her pee pee when he cleans her and that he touched her down there... I was like WTF!!!!! And I explained to her thats a lie and huge lie... I know because I care for her I watch her I bathe her and her sisters together..... And she kept saying she doesn't lie never lies... My daughter lies all the time.. So I asked my daughter several questions but not jumping directly into the situation at hand and I ask Did angie hit you? yes! (my other daughter) Did mommy hit you? Yes!!! I don't hit her no need she gets scared just by my tone in talking to her... then I asked about my fiance and she said no, i asked has he touched her down there she said no.... I asked if shes afraid of him and she said no. I asked if she was afraid of me and she said yes and I laughed.... Her grandma said she is going to call the cops on him and have him arrested and I say thats not cool because i know that did not happen...   I took my daughter to the doctor and they said she was fine and to see a specialist.... Now its just a matter of waiting to see what this woman will do... BTW!!!!! Her dad hates whomever i'm with and suggest that i marry him.... So they will never be okay with whomever I'm with and to ruin his life they don't care..... I KNOW MY 3YR OLD LIED!!!! AND YES THEY LIE!!!!!! FOR SOMEONE TO SAY THEY DON'T LIE IS CRAZY YOU MUST HAVE A CHILD THAT NEVER SAYS ANYTHING AT ALL.....

[Gangstaboo]

Idk.. Wuts goin on here.. But I do kno that my husband would be getting his *** kicked right about now. I swing first and ask questions later. For her to say that about her dad is true bcuz if it wasnt y would she say it? She changed it when u confronted her bcuz she doesnt want her rapist dad to get in trouble. And for u to b on here askin wut to do just goes to show where ur priorities are. We are two totally different people.

[margypops]

totally agree with you gangster why would a small innocent child say things like that ...he is a molester and moms are enabling it if they are in denial  

[larkofthemorning]

Children NEVER Lie about being molested. It has been well-proven in the Psychology/mental health community, so if your child says she is being molested, believe her. Unbelief may cause problems later on in life. I was molested when I was about 4 years old, I was repeatedly raped and sodomized by a babysitter and her 3 eldest children over the course of one year. My parents never believed me, and while I have gotten over the abuse as well as could be expected, I have never quite been able to get over the fact that my own parents never believed me about being molested, and now as an adult, this has caused me problems with depression and alcohol abuse.

[Angls27]

Well its kinda sad to hear that and I pray for you and your daughter. But My son was accused of TICKLING my friends sons peepee.

But what happend here the lil boy didnt say it was my son that it was his cousin, but my friend is going threw a divorce and lives with me until she can get back on her feet. And her ex dont want her living with me so he is trying everything he can to make her life a living hell,  because she left him and has moved on.

Heres what happened. Lil boy was in school and was nap time and was heard him telling a boy to touch his peepee. So teacher asked why he did that and said I dont know then she asked who does that to him he said his cousin. Well teacher called the dad and mom,  but mom was out on a crusie with her boyfriend which his dad had him that week. Well dad came to school and picked up son. The next day he came back told the teacher to call cps abouy what happend. Next thing you know they arrest my son because he is accused of touching the lil boy.

My son is never home he is always at church with his youth group doing things with the church. When my friend has her kids which she gets every other week cuz she has them a week and then he has them a week(ect..) on the weekends they are their my son stayed the night at my friends house down the road cuz it would get crowed so he would leave. He was never alone with the lil boy cuz I was there all yhe time and so was his mom.

He always tells on someone if the are hitting him looking at him with his sister they always fight like kids. So I would think if it were true it he would have said someone to one of us.

When he comes from his dad he always wants to tickle us and catch him tickling his sisters and my daughter and her friends on their private I had mentioned this to his mom and she got after him for that and did nothing else. One day I caught him chasing my dog pylling his pants up and letting the dog lick his peepee. I told my friend about it and went to him and asked why he was doing that and he would say I dont know.

Well for me all this is a custody battle because my friends ex was so controlling of her and now that he is not he wants to make her life hell because she has found somone that teeats her right so he didnt know another way to hurt her,but taking kids away and because of that my son was involved in all of this.

I know he is my son and I would believe him,but something like this is serious I talked to my son and asked him if he did touch him and he said no mom I would never do that and I truelly believe he didnt even my friend and her family knows how my son is and that he is
never home or alone with the boy.

What I am trying to say is that you have to make sure before you accuse someone. And yes the boy was checked and nothing was wrong with him.

So the ex got custody of the cuz because she was said to be an unfit mother being it happend under her care and lost her kids and now he calls the shoots of when she can see the kids right controlling her again. Well my friend figured well since I only see the kids on weekends she would move with her boyfriend who lives out of state and would come in on yhe wekends to see kids. Well guess what he finds out that tshe wants to move and tells her he was sorry that she should have kids back because kida miss her,but now she cant move because he wont let her move the kids out of state. While their lives are back to normal my son still has to go trial for this which he was wrongly accused.

So yes sometimes kids can lie for someone else not knowing its a right thing to do but an adult can easily coach them. So make sure she is checked out and ask her questions like everone else said. I hope all goes good.

[mamaof3blessings]

I am so sorry you had to go through so much as a child. My heart breaks reading that happened to you. Please know you have Jesus as a savior you can count on and trust in. I hate that these things happen, and I just wanted to share that I will pray for you and healing on this.....

[Slothful]

My input.

No, kids don't usually make these things up - especially not 3 year olds... UNLESS somebody tells them what to say.

Personally, I would spy on him. Catch him in the act... Because if he's doing it... It will become more and more frequent, and he will take any opportunity when left alone with her. They can't help themselves. Watch, wait, then pounce.

[jackie722]

YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE YOUR CHILD ......a 3 YEAR old will never make up stuff.....like this..........

It is shocking because the people who do these kinda things - are the ones we love......or our family members......