4 Year Old Misses Other Parent During Visitation

[luckyhazel]

I am the mother of a 4 year old daughter. Her father and I divorced (very amicably) over a year ago; I recently re-married. Our visitation schedule is 50/50: I week on, 1 week off. When my daughter is at our house, she cries about missing her father. According to her father, she does the same about me at his house. I gave her a picture of her father to look at while she's at my house, but now I think this may have been a bad idea. She will walk around with the picture and cry about how she misses her dad. Though the last thing I want to do is discourage her from expressing her feelings or acting as though her dad is not important, her constant talking/crying about him is getting hard to deal with. Her stepfather (my husband) also is starting to feel inferior, as she does not show him the same affection as she did several months ago (before we got married). Also, the constant talk about my ex-husband wears on him at times, though he would never express that to my daughter. He is a very loving and involved step-parent and I feel for him in this situation. Of course, my daughters feelings are what is breaking my heart at this point. Should our custody schedule be changed? Should I take away the picture? Should I grin and bear it? I want her to enjoy her time with her father and with us, but sometimes it feels like she is miserable no matter where she is b/c she is constantly missing the other parent.

[ncboog]

Just wanted to add that my grand-daughter who lives with her pawpaw and I along with her mother while she is in nursing school (Mom will graduate in May) is also 4 years old and her Dad (mom and dad never married-child has always lived with us)has started since having his taxes filled out this year trying to keep our granddaughter exactly half the time we have her so he can claim her on his taxes next year.  My daughter cannot afford a lawyer right now, so she feels like she can't fight him.  However, the granddaughter is paying the price.  Her behavior when she returns to us is atrocious!!  
She will talk back to us, tell us don't look at her, don't touch her, and don't tell her what to do.  This is not normal for her and I know the visitation is the root of it.
I have told my daughter, if she has to go to the child's medical doctor and get him to put something in writing--this has got to stop when she starts school in the fall, or she will never make it- not well adjusted anyway.
Her Dad, like this week will get her Wednesday evening after daycare and we won't see her again until Friday evening.  Then next week, he will get her Wednesday evening after daycare, we will have her Thursday night, and he will have her Friday night, Saturday night, and we will get her back Sunday evening.  The poor childs stability has been pulled out from under her.  It is so heartbreaking to see this, and her behavior , it has brought her Mom to tears, and PawPaw and myself very close.  It is just not right!

[borninquisitive]

I too totally agree with the other posters in regards to the 50/50 arangement at this age.
I divorced, having  2 girls in tow. Ages: 2 and 5. I was the primary caregiver (week) and their father had the option of week-ends, for which he didn't always keep.
Anyway, initially my girls used to feel very badly in leaving their dad and I felt badly for them. This is what I would tell them, "Before you know it, you will be seeing your dad again. I know it seems like it'll be a long time now but it won't be-I promise." So, the day would come for them to visit their dad and I would ask them, "Do you remember what I had said? It didn't take long and yes, they remembered. "See here you are, going to visit your dad and didn't it just seem like yesterday you were crying over having to say goodbye to him?" Yes. Tada!;-)
I then asked, "Now did that seem like a very long time?" No. It seemed like just a day passed. As I had said it would seem.
In doing this, it took the discomfort out. I guess it helped put time into perspective and as well, knew that they would always see their dad again. In this, there worry faded and they were able to enjoy each day despite not having the other parent present.
Good luck mom!=-)

[rvchat]

I'm trying to post a question but the system refuses my credit card which THERE is NO problem with.

Can someone help or contact me re; this????  I'd really like to post


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[who_is_this]

I wonder if 50/50 is too much.  While it sounds like you both are doing what you believe best and kudos to you for being caring parents, it could just be that 50/50 is too disruptive for your child.  What can she consider her home if her time is equally split?  She could be anxious that she seems to have no permanent place to call her own.  Hope the doctor here has some better insight.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

If you maintain the current custody arrangement, be supportive and understanding. Your daughter is in a very difficult situation, constantly faced with separation and the feeling of loss it entails. I am not favorably inclined to such 50/50 custody arrangements for children so young, and your daughter's situation illustrates why. I think it is far better for younger children if they have a primary residence where they spend the bulk of their time. Otherwise their life is a series of constant transitions and this is very unsettling. From a mental health perspective, a more constructive arrangement might involve weekend or alternate weekend contact with one of you, spending the bulk of the time with the other.