5 year old chronic worrier

[kolekel]

My son just turned 5 on 8-4-05. He has always been a sensitive child, but lately things seem to be getting worse.He will break down crying for no reason at all.He will say the reason is because nobody likes him or cares about him. When I ask him why he thinks that, he told me that his imaginary friend told him. He says that his "friend" is very mean to him and tells him that no one loves him. He told me that he tells him to leave but he keeps coming back. I know kids have imaginary friends, but I hve never heard of "mean" ones. My son also worries about things that I did not think a 5 year old would think about. He asks me things like, "who do you like better, me or dad." "Will you still love me if I die?". After reassuring him that I love him more than anything in the world, I asked him why he thinks about stuff like that and he told me that it just keeps burning in his head. My son also complains of headaches, or feeling like he going to throw up. These come completely out of the blue. He will sometimes come to me crying, telling me that he was bad. When I ask him what he is talking about, it is usually something very trivial that may have happened 2,3 days ago or even last week. This am, I was telling him about something that I was going to do for him when he got out of school. His eyes filled up w/tears. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was just excited. My son is not a cry-baby,he does not throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I have always and still do have people tell me what a great kid he is. He had to get 3 shots for school this year and did not shed a tear, but if I say "don't do that", his eyes fill up with tears and he thinks I don't like him anymore.My son is surrounded with love. I have been on and off depression meds since the age of 16. I am a big-time worrier. I worry about things that I have no control over.Also on my father's side grandmother, 3 aunts, and 2 cousins have been admitted at least 1 time for mental breakdown. I have had depression (never institutionalized). But since I have had my son, I can control alot of that behaviour. He is my life, and when I get down, I think of him. Now I am worried that his behaviour is something mental that has been passed on. My son's father and I have been divorced for 3 yrs, and I have remarried. He sees his dad every other weekend and they seem to have a great relationship. He also has a good relationship with his stepdad. Although there are a lot of things that he will want to tell me alone, because he says Dad will be mad. My husband has never mistreated my son. My son started kindergarden 2.5 weeks ago, he came home every day the last 2 weeks saying it was great and he loved it.The last 3 days, he has cried for really no reason. My son also seems distracted at times and you may have to repeat things.Yet he sometimes seems to be very bright. He can tell you things that happened a year ago, but can not rem what i told him 2 mins ago.Can you give any advice?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

To be frank, I'd suggest not pursuing it at all. Just carry on. This is tantamount to ignoring it, but do it in a casual, not insensitive fashion. In addition, you can ask: "What can you do to make this better?" This may help to direct his attention toward coping with the situation vs. feeling badly about it.

[kolekel]

Thank you so much for the advice. I will give this some time and see how things go. Just 1 more thing, could you give me some ideas on how to react to his crying beside asking "why"? I do notice that when I inquire, it seems to make things worse. Again, thanks for your help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

First, I'd recommend that you do nothing particular right now, since he is undergoing a major transition - adjustment to kindergarten. This is a big step in the life of a five-year-old, and it is not uncommon for children to act somewhat differently when they are going through this adjustment. Now, if he is still acting in such an overly sensitive way by around the end of October, it would be wise to arrange an evaluation. He is certainly in what we would characterize as an at-risk category for developing a mood or an anxiety disorder, due to the family history, though by no means does this imply that he will definitely develop such a condition. Try not, by the way, to ask him 'why' he does something. This question is not useful for a child so young. Often the reply you receive is meaningless, and there's no point attributing much significance to the reply.