Is my daughter telling me the truth

[mc875]

I have a 3 year old daughter who is now telling me that her pee pee has been touched by a friend of mine and my husbands. I want to believe her but this guy has been really good to us and has lived with us since she was born and has always been good with my kids. Every time they see him they yell Uncle and are always playing and jumping on him including my 3 year old. He lived with us the past couple of months and none of my kids ever mentioned to me about him being like this. Now it has been about 2 months since he had moved out and just today my daughter mentioned this to me. I asked her to repeat herself and she looked me like she was scared and said "uncle touched me right here". I was a little shocked and did not know exactly what to say. I asked if this was true because accusing someone of this they can be in big trouble. I then asked what she meant by him touching her she just stood there. I remember in psychology class they use dolls for kids her age to explain themselves so I told her to get her doll and show me. She then touched the babys private with her finger and started stroking it. I know my daughter can lie but then again how would she know any of that, all my kids watch are Disney Jr or Sprout. Now that I am thinking about it though my 2 year old was always complaining about her pee pee saying oww oww, so I thought it hurt her to pee or burned when she peed thinking maybe she had an infection, but since he has been gone i have not heard her complain about it anymore. I am concerned and want to go to the doctors and get them ex amend but I am scared that the doctor with think I am a bad mother for not knowing anything. I want to tell my husband what I just heard but afraid of what he will do if I tell him so I want to know the facts before saying anything to him. And my husband told he that guy is wanting to move back in when he is finished with his job and that is soon. So i need to know something soon. I am confused, scared and do not know what to do..!!

[gigi1114]

I'm very disappointed that you are more worried about what others will think of you, and your parenting, than you are at protecting your daughter.  Call the police now, and if you ever let that man move back in the house then you should be worried about what others think of you, because you would then you would be a terrible parent.  Start believing and protecting your daughter.  Do you even realize what your poor child has been through?! You know the truth, stop pretending you don't.  Everything in your question proves that.

[KN912]

I really pray that things are better now. I hope that you did end up reporting him and that he's locked up now. I was molested in head-start but my mother did not believe me because she had just dealt with my older sister being molested by her best friend's long time boyfriend/baby daddy. I was molested again by my babysitter's daughter and again my mother didn't believe me and sadly that time my younger sister was molested as well. Over the yrs I grew to be insecure and had zero self respect. As a teenager (14yrs old) a neighbor who i was seriously crushing on (who was also my age) forcibly took my virginity and bragged about it. I am 33yrs old and i can still recall the events of that day to a tee right down to the clothes that i never wore again after that day. This time i was terrified to tell my mother bc i already knew that she wouldn't believe me plus he had forced himself into the house when i was home alone so i was afraid that she would whoop me bc he was in the house, even though i tried to keep him out. I started to tell her a few days later but the minute i said that the boy forced the door open she cut me off and said that he better not have been in her house, i stopped and said that he wasn't. I went down a dark road after that. Then a yr later I had a bf who would sneak into my bedroom in the middle of the night through my window and would rape me. He already had a violent history and personality. I was too scared to tell anyone bc "no one would believe me".  He continued to do that for 2 months with and without a gun. it wasn't until he was sick of me that he broke up with me and moved on. I had such low self esteem that i was upset that he broke up with me and i felt like i had done something wrong. Hind sight was that i had learned not to fight back, i would just lay there so he apparently got bored. After that I started to spend even more time with the wrong crowds bc I felt safer with them but when i wasn't with my main group bad things would happen. I ended up having unwanted sex with ppl bc i knew that by not going with the flow I would get hurt. when i was around 18, two of the guys that i considered my cousins bc we grew up together, got me wasted and took turns on me. The next morning and to this day i only have bits and pieces of that night. The boys went bragging about it and since our mothers were best friends, my mother found out and flipped out on me calling me names and putting me down for being a "hussy."  Since, again my mother didn't believe me I started dating one of them so i didn't "look" like a complete *****. I have had incidents since then as well. the whole point of my life story is to show u what the lack of belief and justice can do to a child. I now have a 7yr old lil girl and I make sure that she knows that no matter what i have her back. I am so cautious with her being alone w anyone male or female.  please look at my story and DO NOT let your babies feel the way i did. They need to see a counselor bc even though they are young and will probably block those memories, they will surface eventually when they r older and certain traits (ie lack of self respect or confidence) will form even though they don'tt remember. Again, I pray that your babies are getting help and never has to feel or go through a fraction of what I did. And as a mother i pray that you and your husband are doing better now. I can't imagine being on your side of the coin. I really hope the best for you guys. oh P.S. to give you a lil hope my sisters and I are living appearingly normal lives, I even joined the military and flourished. There is a light at the end of any tunnel.

[Lstrick0]

Please listen to your baby. Children dont comeup with this by themselves. My son told me something similar. After listening and asking very simple questions I discovered he had been molested by his cousin. There is such a pain in your heart but act on it. Get your child checked.  Get a Psychologist. Do it now before she feels she cannot trust anyone. Its hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel. My son trusts me like no other 12 yrs later. I took action. I protected him and I prosecuted. There is no greater love than a mothers love. Good luck.

[Saraiiaras]

You said uncle and daddie. Get your kids away from both. Go to child protection services and have their doctors seee the kids. It's hard to believe because you don't want to, but you need to. Your kids need their hero. They need mom to put away the bad people.

[dazzled17]

Hi there mc875, I was reading this today & as a mother & victim my heart broke for you reading this. This has got to be a parents worst nightmare! I did wonder what the outcome of this was & how you are coping now a few years down the track.
How are your daughters now?
Did the accused "uncle" ever admit or was charged with the accusations?
Have you seen or heard from him since?
You did the right thing & your girls now know that they can trust you & can come to you when they feel uneasy or apprehensive about something.
It is so sad that those we trust around our kids can also be those that we need to protect our kids from.

[ruayyum]

Don't ever allow him to come back to your house.Believe your children coz 3 year olds dont lie and her sister had same issues like you said.  Thank them and encourage them to tell you more and ask all your children wisely and calmly about it not like an interrogation. Then gather your facts and tell their dad. Don't bother about how nice that guy was molesters do that deliberately to gain children's trust. The other children are not talking coz they may be scared and may be he told them not to tell. Be wise and never allow him in your house again.

[HKris93]

The guy was my uncle which I had to live with for 5 years. Cps placed me there as a child so I had no choice.

[HKris93]

As a victim at age 5 I was confused as a child, no I never wanted him touching me in that way but I still loved him and so I guess I didnt see him as the bad guy until he started making me do things for him. At that age we learn to forgive and forget easier then we do at an older age. As I began to get older and realizing exactly what he was doing to me and him taking a step further in his molestation because my family never believed me, I began to have hatred towards him and my family because I felt like my family was letting this happen to me. The molestation finally stopped at age 14 and I learned to forgive him (never will forget but I did forgive) in his last four years of his life. I am now 23 and I will always have to live with what happened and no one can ever take that away from me. I will forever fear that my daughter may one day be a victim, but my daughter will always have me and at that age a child will not lie about something so serious. Please believe that baby.

[Badassndn]

First u as a mom should always stand by ur child. Secondly as a wife, u should never keep things like this from ur husband. Now for the actual issue,  it is better to have this looked into then to be wrong about this. If she was molested then ur so called friend will have a past,  someone had to be first. Not to mention who is vulnerable to him now. Wouldnt u want someone to report this if ur daughter(s) were next.....

[Nicolmoon]

It's sad that guy is out there somewhere ;(

[ElizabethKN]

I am not a child psychologist but I work closely with several and they would say to take this seriously. Absolutely without a doubt take this seriously and keep the friend away from her. 3 year olds dont make up this kind of thing (this level of sexual understanding is more developmentally advanced than what a normal 3 year old would come up with on their own). Keep her safe-she needs you to take action to protect her now more than ever. You can minimize any damage from this later on by keeping her safe and showing her that she can come to you for protection.

[ShanB76]

As a mother whose child told her something similar at age 5 . You must believe your child because if you don't do anything about this than the out come is much worse. Make her feel safe in a safe environment. I would not tell the father this until you are away from the situation. Predators will lie. Don't let it get any worse and never put her back into that situation.

[KA313]

You absolutely must tell the police and CPS about what has happened! CPS and police are trained to deal with this situation and can avoid traumatising your child! It's not good enough to simply avoid the perpetrator and only see a doctor. Other children are at risk if you allow him to go on unprosecuted! Imagine if someone else knew what he did but decided not to report it because they decided to just avoid him? That person would have been able to stop him hurting your beautiful children. All Children deserve to be protected from him not just your children! As a person who works with abused children I can guarantee he will offend again. No one will blame you for not knowing what was going on but they will definitely blame you if you let him abuse more children because your to embarrassed to report it

[MaeElizabeth]

You need to take your daughter to the police station immediately!!!!!! They can have a pediatric psychologist talk to her! And have a medical exam done. Take this very very VERY seriously!!!! Please! I'll be praying for your kids and your family!

[leaving4lyra]

As a now grown victim of early sexual abuse, it is unlikely your daughter is lying, especially at age 3. Kids don't have the capacity to "lie" until age 5-6. If your child has bot been exposed to anything overtly sexual in the home, or daycare, or media, then the only other way for her to know about being touched is if it happened. Don't let the fact that this alleged abuser is well liked, upstanding, or longtime family friend. Predators use this to their advantage. It gets them close to kids without raising red flags in parents. My abuser had been a family friend of my dad since elementary school. Everyone loved and trusted him. That only your 3 year old has said anything as opposed to your other kids is common in molesters. Choosing your three year old was easy because he figured she was too young to say anything or be believed if she did. I'm not saying this "uncle" is absolutely guilty, but from my own experience, the odds are good he has done something inappropriate. Inform the police asap and most importantly, get your daughter to a child therapist trained in this area, the sooner the better. Early therapy might have saved me a lifetime of depression, anxiety, guilt, shame and no self worth. Trust your daughter and your intuition. If it feels wrong it probably is. Get her in therapy and keep "uncle perfect" far away from her. Let the police sort him out and inform your community if they conclude he is a predator.

[Gmun]

If you suspect this man did something to two children, it's not usually a 'one-off' type of behaviour. You can protect your own children, but if he has access to other children & the trust of another family, he could do it again. Personally I think you have to tell the police. You don't have to make certain accusations,  you can be very honest and you can also stay anonymous, but if you ever found out he did it to anyone else - & took it further than touching (not to downplay that, but that could escalate to raping a child), could you forgive yourself for not speaking out when you can?

You can choose whether or not you let your daughters talk to police, but they have specially trained counselors who handle this with age appropriate questions - what you did with the doll was a great example. Counselors will use the same method,can often artwork too. Sometimes just 'draw a picture of your family' and then asking questions where the child identifies the person without really realising.

It would also be a way for you to get help explaining why that shouldn't happen (the "nobody should touch you where your bathing suit covers" is the commonly sedan example) & to let your daughters know what they told you was important and you are on their side and there to protect them - all the stuff said above. A counselor can help you deal with all that, and also how not to blame yourself - you're not a bad mother, your daughters trusted you to tell you (whether or not they really realised what they were saying) & you protected them.

But I honestly think someone should be reported to the police. You can choose not to press charges  (unfortunately it is unlikely that would happen); he may be offered therapy programmes, or worst case scenario, other families may also have experienced the same.... hopefully not, but you could be protecting someone in the future.

[anniejones]

Late reply but for future reference-Cut off ALL contact with this person. You do not have to give them a reason. Since much time has past and your daughter felt safe enough to tell you, it may be best not to involve the police nor CPS at this time because it will just make her relive the incidents, through questions, recal etc. Do not discuss it with anyone in your family or who you know because if it was not uncle it will only give the real molester an opportunity to threaten your daughter to be quiet or time to cover their tracks. Monitor your daughters bathroom habits and any complaints. Also do not bathe her in bubbles and soaps as they can cause a real UTI and irritation. IF she gets any more pain or UTI or any complaints what so ever then you need to go to doctor immediately, rule out a real UTI, get doctors opinion then go straight to police because that means it was not that uncle person who used to live with you but someone who has access to her and still does. Do not rule out a woman figure. Sometimes women molest children as well.

[chelzharvey]

A child that age would never lie about such thing if I was u I would phone police straight away n never let that man any Were Near Ur Daughter Again

[Nobodyspecialatall]

Let me tell you from the child's point. Now, she is scared and uncertain if she did something wrong. If you do not reassure her that she isn't in trouble, she did nothing wrong and did the right thing coming to you, reassure her of your love and support & get her help NOW she will grow up thinking that something is wrong with her. feel like she is bad. She will have feelings of self doubt & poor self image. Because the person was not punished she may feel as if it is okay to be treated like that. Afterall, if her siblings did something else mean to her,(perhaps pull on her hair) they would at least be put in time out right? Not doing anything will NOT make it go away. She will not forget she will be confused and emotionally scarred as well. She will NOT get the closure that she needs to move past it and will have difficulties later in life with  relationships. I know. I was molested and assaulted from the ages of three to five by my teenage cousin. My parents never did anything about it. In fact, my mother kept taking me over to be babysat long after she suspected. I'm 44 years old and I'm finally learning to have a normal respectful relationship. However, I rarely speak with my parents.

[mc875]

Thank you everybody for the advice. This has helped me a lot. I took my girls to see a doctor. Doctor said nothing was torn though but she also said it doesn't mean he didn't do anything. So I did tell their dad who in fact was not happy. He did confront the "uncle" about it and of course he said he has never done anything but the next morning when kids dad went to go look for him the "uncle" was nowhere to be found, we where told he packed up the place and took off. I will be paying more attention to the people that come around my girls to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.

[Mmarkey19695]

I agree with Rockrose, tell him why he isn't Llowrd back into the home and judge his reaction to the accusations. Keep a very close eye on your daughter from now on and honestly unless you can be positive she is lieing, which I do not believe she is at all, then cut off contact with all unnecessary males until you get to the bottom of it. Good luck and god bless

[RockRose]

I think she has definitely been touched by someone.  The problem with this age is girls re-direct the identity of the offender often.  I'm not exactly sure why this is, but when molested will often point to a "safer" perpetrator - i.e.,  one who can't hurt them anymore or was unlikely to hurt them in the first place.  

In a case like this where a man living there would have opportunity at a variety of times to have done this,  it is fairly believable.  

A doctor's appointment is very very unlikely to be able to turn anything up unless he's given her an STD which seems unlikely.  

At the very least,  the answer is absolutely no,  he can't come live there again.  And I'd tell him why.  

[Mmarkey19695]

Sweetie do NOT beat yourself up. Even though the majority of child molestation is done by a close friend or family you had no reason to suspect anything. Children get UTI's so why would you think any different. You need to tell your husband ASAP and call someone. I'm sorry your going through this but please don't blame yourself. The only way your at fault is if you do not doing anything now that you know. I'm sorry and god bless

[mc875]

You are right and thank you. I think it would be impossible for a kid to come up with something like that when all they watch are the good learning cartoons from the time they wake up to the time they go to sleep I never change that channel to anything else. I'm just shocked I guess that someone close to us can do this and my youngest daughter don't talk at all and she is almost 3. Since it has been 2 months since he last came around the doctors will still be able to let me know if anything happened? Dam I feel like a bad mother now for not seeing anything!

[MarkLakewood3367]

You really have no choice but to report this to child protective services or the police now.  If it is reported later by someone else and revealed that you knew about it and did nothing, you could be facing charges of failure to protect.  Additionally, please keep in mind that schools, daycare, etc... have a duty to report suspected abuse/neglect.

[ratitas_p88]

Believe your child, I was molested whe I was 3 years old by a very good family friend, my genitals were red and irritated because he always masturbated me when he came over for a visit, please, please believe your child.