Need some advice about my son

[mom2br]

I have a six-year old son with a man to whom I am not married and who is not named on my son's birth certificate. When I first got pregnant, he said he would support whatever decision I made, and when I told him I was keeping the child, he disappeared. He re-appeared when my son was about a year old, and helped me financially. When my son was about three, he started to visit quite regularly every week and had a very good effect on my son. The problem is this: this man is extremely unpredictable and volatile. I have tried to keep a civil relationship with him for the benefit of my son. However, recently he verbally attacked and physically threatened both my mother and a friend. To my knowledge he has never hurt my son, but he did hurt me once. After these recent events, I would not allow him to come over, visit or talk to my son. He tried calling many times, leaving threatening and taunting messages on my machine and email. The question is: how do I deal with my son? Now that things have calmed down (it has been three months), do I resume contact? (The father and I have had brief talks within the last week, and he has started giving me some financial  support again, which is done on his whim. We do not have any formal agreement). My son has formed an attactment to his father, and I don't know how to handle this situation. Do I deny him a father? I am extremely conflicted about this and do not know what is best in the long run for my son. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to do something that will affect him for the rest of his life. Is he better off without this man in his life? What do I tell him? I have consulted a child psychologist but don't feel as though I am getting the best advice. Thank you for your help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's generally not a good idea to react too strongly to behavior that has been occurring for a short while. Your tactic was clever, but it has the drawback of not reasonably being able to continue for very long. When it comes to bedtime, be firm, set the limit, and don't be distracted by excuses, pleas, etc.

[blondie111]

   Ok over the last few night's my son seem's to be getting worse at bed time, he just won't go to bed on his own, i have tried everything possibe, blackmail, taking toys off him one by one  but nothing works, so last night i change all this, i got my brother to phone my mobile phone about 10pm pretending he was santa cluas and that he wanted to speak with my son, when i handed over the phone to my son his face lite up he was delighted and as soon as he got off the phone he went to bed for me, but the only problem is now he keeps calling me asking me when im coming to bed, but hopefully he will get fed up of that at least i have him in bed that was the most important thing, comparing to before not a hope would he even get into bed for me, so tonight he will get another phone call from santa saying that his a great boy and everything he wants for christmas he will get only if he continues going to bed and being a good boy. It's hard because i don't know weather he really is nervous of going to bed on his own, or is he just playing hard ball with me to see how far i will go, but then again this has been going on for about 2 weeks now....any more suggestions would be great....thanks

[Cassiesuzanne]

I am a single mother of three boys and my youngest is almost 9. I was never married to his father.(who is also NOT listed on the birth certificate) I feel confident in stating that I have experienced VERY much the same situation as yourself. PLEASE....for the sake of your child, listen to Dr Kennedy's advice. My sons father is bi-polar. Very unpredictable, volitile and explosive. I know he would never physicly harm my son, but the emotional damage that has been done to date tears me up inside. Does your son have any positive male figures in his life? If so, take advantage of thier presence...Maybe share with them how grateful you are that your son has them in his life as he NEEDS positive examples, etc. Make it clear that your not expecting them to take on any new responsabilities or burdans and just express that your thankful to them for just being there...I'm sure you get my point. I was so afraid of any harmful affects that would come as a result of removing his dad from his life at an early age...And now I couldnt regret anything more than I regret allowing that man to stay involved (at his convienience) with my son since birth. I have had to get the protective orders, and deal with his un-ending drama & outbursts since day one. Trying to act as an emotional shield thru it all to protect my son has been a nightmare.Children are amazingly observant and in tune with us - They feel what we feel...They learn by example what behaivors are acceptable and which ones are not. My son is now showing definate signs of his fathers "bad" behaivor. The man has lied to him,disapointed him and broken more promises than I could possibly say. Now things are at the point where my son thinks its  normal to behave that way.I've spent every day for the last 6 years trying to "undo"  the lessons he's learned (by example) from his father...Well, I could go on and on - But then I'd be writing a book. All I can say is its better to go thru the pain of explaining things to your son and dealing with his feeling sad at his fathers absence than to do as i did. In summary, our job is to do our best to see that our children grow up with the tools and skills necessary to live a happy and productive life as adults....PLEASE listen to the good Dr's advice for the sake of your son. That in turn will do him much more good than you could possibly fathem

[mom2br]

Thank you for guidance. It is greatly appreciated.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Since, at the present time, your son's father does not enjoy any legal right to contact, you are in a good position to determine what to do. Now that might change if his father ever decides to have himself declared the biological parent. But for now that is a moot point. A person in my position can offer you some guidance, but only you can place the guidance in context and decide what is best. Because your son's father is so unpredicatable, any contact invites a risk of recurrence of difficulties. In light of his behavior, your son's father has not displayed that he can be a reasonable and safe person. His recent contact only underscores that. The fact that he is now offering some financial support is irrelevant. I think you would be entertaining too great a risk to permit any further contact. You can explain to your son that his father has some problems and that he at times behaves in an unsafe way and that it is not safe for him to be seeing your son. In addition, it sounds like it would be reasonable for you to obtain a restraining order to prevent your son's father from having any contact (including by phone) with you. His threatening and intimidating behavior is not only unreasonable, it is illegal.