9yr old boy normal behavior?

[nala25]

I am the step mother to a 9yr old boy. I have been with his father since he was 1. In the last few yrs he has become a child I do not even know. He constantly lies about very thing. You could say the sky is blue and he will argue with you until you believe him that its orange.  You cant talk to him because he will tell his father you screamed at him. He makes up unbelievable stories and tells them to his mother. He crys for 20 mins in the driveway olwhen his mother drops him off. He gets into trouble everyday at school and blames it on his teacher. He wont do school work or homework. He is still sleeping in bed with his mother who also has to call him everynight still before bed and grill him on what is going on at our home. He told his 12 month old sister he was would kill her one time while they were playing. His father will never punish him for anything. Its always false threats.  And his mother doesnt do anything besides babying him constantly. He freaks out if his mother calls and we dont pick up. Also last week I caught him texting her at 2am. I have told my husband he needs help and he doesnt seem to make it a priority.  He is disrupting my household. I also have a 13yr old stepson who cant stand how his bother is treated so different. I am lost and honestly considering leaving my husband becauseI can no longer deal with this.

[allmymarbles]

Spelling error. In the first line "touch" should be "tough.'

[allmymarbles]

Being a step mother is a touch job. You have no real authority over this child, yet his presence can take the joy out of your life. Like it or not, even helpful intervention on your part is not welcome; this is a problem for the father and his ex to face and treat. The only thing you can do is offer advice to the father, hoping sweet reason will prevail, and then back off.

If the parents of this boy do nothing to help him, can this destroy your marriage (and the boy)? It is a definite possibility.

[specialmom]

Ugh, I'm feeling badly for this boy.  I understand that he is difficult to you and for you, however, from my viewpoint, he sounds like a child that is suffering emotional turmoil.  For some kids, believe it or not, the parent comes and stays IN the ex's home for the custody time as it is less disruptive to the child.  This can be court mandated.  Have two families that i am close to the bio mom who has the majority of custody and they vacate their home every other weekend and their ex comes and stays in that home.  

I get that this is not something reasonable under the current circumstances but wanted to tell you that the situation at hand can be very difficult for some kids especially those with anxiety or anything else going on such as add/adhd or what have you.  

I would try to take a good dose of empathy when dealing with this boy.  Not all kids are the same and the exact same expectations can not be placed on them all.  

I don't find everything you say unusual for that age.  My husband will take my 9  and almost 8 year old sons to go visit his father out of town and guess what, they want to talk to me before they go to bed.  They are attached to me and that is just the way it is (and really, in my opinion, not unusual).  We also have bed time routines that are a bit sacred to my kids.  Whether you agree with the routines this child has in his other home, it is what it is.  Just being critical will not  help you.  Instead, be empathetic that when he is in your home it is a major change in the routine that gives him comfort.  

he's out of his element in your house.  That sounds clear.  I'd try to befriend him and stay positive to him.  Let his dad handle more.  Sometimes our partners will be unwilling to do something like discipline the child because they feel such a wall up against the child and are defensive.  I would imagine that is the case here as you have nothing nice to say about the boy but just complaints.  certainly that would make me protective of my blood children.  

I don't know if this relationship between you and your husband will last or not.  When we marry someone with kids, it's hard.  That's for certain.  And when we are unaccepting of the idiosyncracies of a child ---  it can wreak havoc on a couple being able to stay together long term.

I do understand that he is difficult and this is causing disruption.  But his parents split up, he's going from one place to another and one of those places has people that aren't loving him much there, etc.  That is hard on any kid but especially a child with more going on.

consider a therapist for the child as a safe place to vent and where he can learn strategies to handle his anxierty.  good luck

[Sandman2]

   Ya, you really are between a rock and a hard place. It sounds like you are the only one who tries to change his behavior and also the only one who makes him do his homework.  Combine this with the fact that he MAY have ADHD, which just makes everything that much tougher for you (and him).  
   My first suggestion is to find out a little bit more about ADHD and how it affects kids.  If he does have ADHD, it does change how to work with him and also explains a lot of his actions.   This is a pretty good link with info on the symptoms of ADHD - http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm
    And if you do feel like he has it, then I would also suggest that you buy the book, "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley. Its only about 10 bucks on Amazon and it will give you lots of ways to work with him.  Also this is a good site with ideas on ways to do homework for kids with ADHD and actually they are good ideas period.    There is also lots of other good ideas on this site - http://www.additudemag.com/search/keyword/Homework%20and%20Test%20Help.html
   Now he may not have ADHD.  Its possible that a lot of his actions are due to the lifesyle he has been forced into and this is his way to cope.  But, many of his symptoms I have seen before over on the ADHD forum where I am also the CL.  And I can tell you that no matter what he has, if you can understand where he is coming from - it will change your feelings about him.  And yes, I would definitely try and get a professional evaluation or have the school district do that.  I'm not sure if you  need his moms permission for that or not.  By the way, there is a very strong genetic component to ADHD and from your description of his mom, I kind of got a feeling where he may have picked it up.
    Its possible he does not like coming over due to the fact that he has to do his homework.  I will say that a child of his age should be spending no more then one hour on homework a night.  Now if he works for 15 min. takes a break and then comes back and repeats that - its ok to spend more time.  3 hours is counterproductive.  You need to back off.  I completely understand why you feel its important to do it/help him.  (I taught 5th grade for many years so understand the importance)  But this is not working!   Pick the most important and let some things slide.  And, by the way, if he does have ADHD its very common to spend this long on homework.  And its a waste of time.   Frankly, I would go a bit more for quality of life.  His grades will go down I am sure and sooner or later the school will make enough noise that someone else besides you will listen.  And thats a lot of the problem here.  Its just you.  You need an advocate.
   Behavior wise, unless your husband buys into what you are trying to do - its gonna be really hard to change the boys behavior.  He is old enough that if you read a book called "Love and Logic" by Fay and Cline, you will find some great ideas that your husband might buy into.  Also the ADHD book by Ashley has a good section on that.
     Hope some of this helps!  Good luck.  Oh, if you have any questions about the ADHD thing, you can also get in touch with me here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175

[nala25]

When its her weekend she would have him wed. Thursday Friday saturday. And sunday til 5. But they always seem to be at somebody elses home on Thursday and Friday because she has something to do. So when he comes sunday I have tons of homework to do. We have figured out which days assignments were due ro be turned in with his teachers help and they are always onea that land on her days. And his teacher even says none of his work gets done unlesss my husband comes in and talks to her and then we take the work home make him do it and turn it all in the next day

[nala25]

He spends every other weekend with her and wed and thurs.we do our homework with him on oour days but she doesnt make him do it on hers so we have to go to the teacher to get his assignments that are not turned in on her days and do them with her. And on her fridays she doesnt even have them she drops them off to somebody so she can go out and she does the same thing on Thursdays also she really she only has them 2 nites a week. Everynight we have him homework is done no matter what it takes. So we are basically doubling homework on our days to catch him up for what she doesnt do and top of his regular assignments.

[Sandman2]

  I'm confused.  Who is he spending the weeknights with when he should be doing his homework?

[nala25]

His grade have got better now that we meet with his teacher and she lets him makeup what he is missing or did bad on. But its a punishment for me bacause im doing the work his mother should have done with him. He gets reminder everyday in school because he has acted up someway or another. But he blames it on his teacher not liking him and being to hard on him. He is the first to jump on you if your the one doing something wrong. But if the shoe is on the other foot watch be ause an emotional break down is coming. And his sneakiness is out of control. He steals clothes sock underware anything from our home and takes it to his mothers. My husband pays c.s. out the *** and she works so why the stealing

[nala25]

In school we meet with his teacher once a week to go over what is going on in class or what he is missing. His mother could careless because she is more concerned with being his best friend she never makes him do homework. So everynight im sitting for up to 3 hrs a night with him doing the homework. The teacher emails me personally because she knows his mother does not take it seriousl. She is always making and excuse for why she doeant make him do homework. The school has told her he needs to talk to somebody professional however she either wouldnt twll my husband (school sent letter expressing concern to our home) or she said she wont do it because she wont put him on meds. Im at the end of my rope. I am so sick of being the one who gets blamed constantly for how he acts. I tell my husband and hr says its fine you read to much into it. I catch this child in lie after lie and never once does he ever apologize or get a punishment.  And I know this is an issue with his mother being a helicopter mom to this child. Everyday she has to pick him up from school to she can spend 15mins with him and give him a stuffed animal to bring to our home. All the while she ignores her 13yr old. I know in this post it seems very obvious I can not stand their mother. However nothing bad is ever said about her in our home when they are here. But that cant be said when they are with her be causethe 13yr old has no problem telling us what his mother says about us. But is him still sleeping in bed with her am issue?  And what about the questioning us or arguing until he gets his way?

[Sandman2]

       How is he doing academically at school.  I would think he is failing grades since he is not doing homework, etc.  If so, one would think the school would be concerned.
       Lying is more of a defensive measure.   The child knows that they are screwing up or have screwed up and they don't know why (ADHD will cause that), and they lie to avoid the punishment.  After awhile, its almost a natural reaction.  Whether the parents do it or not really doesn't matter.  What is causing the child to lie is the problem.  

[nala25]

He has a sister that is 6 at his mothers home.and this behavior started before my daughter was even thought about. The school wont do anything. They said there is nothing for them to do he wont talk to them and if he does he lies to them. The switching between hom to home is all this child has known his whole life. His father has them more then the mother as of about a yr ago. Im sure in some way he has separation anxiety but the lying and manipulating is out of control. Is lying not a learned behavior from a parent?

[Sandman2]

   Well, its for certain that there is little that you can do for this boy by your self (except maybe to feel sorry for him).  If you can't get the other adults to buy in to working at changing his behavior, or finding out the reasons for his behavior - he will not get any better.
   I would think that the school system will be your best bet for help.   He has to be doing very poorly and they must by now be concerned.  He does show some of the classical symptoms of ADHD, and this is something that you might want to explore with the school system.  
    I also imagine having a new baby sister around and constantly switching between homes also has a very strong effect on him.   So, I do think that there are several factors going on.  At some point in time he is going to need professional help to deal with all of this.