My 9 yr old has such an attitude....

[kathya]

My nine year daughter is the oldest of three girls.  She has such an attitude lately.  Answers back, she pouts when things don't go her way,fights with her 6 year old sister, annoys the 20 month old (to the point the baby runs away when she sees her coming), she has power plays with her friends (and knows which ones she can act poorly to and which ones she can't).  She does very well in school and the teachers tell me she a pleasure to have in class.  Other parents tell me she always behaves while she is with them. I'm glad she behaves when I'm not there, but I would also like to enjoy having her around too. It seems lately we are always arguing about something.  Today she had plans with my 6 yr. old to go with my sister in law and make a craft with her children, the plans included pizza (later in the afternoon).  When I told them they would be meeting auntie at the pizza place her response was in a raised voice,fresh tone and with the 'eyes', "We all ready ate lunch!" I felt like keeping her home I was so frustrated.  I explained why I fed her lunch and that if she wasn't hungry, not to eat, but this is what her aunt had planned.  I don't know what to do, or what I'm doing wrong, but if I don't like her attitude now, I can only imagine what it will be like when she's twelve.  Any advice?

[greendog_24]

You may want to know why she is acting this way and then tell her this is not the proper way to act.
Good Luck!!!

[himainch]

I thought I was the only one with this kind of problem!
My 9 years old is the only child, we give her all our love, but because of my husband's career we have to move all the time, so as soon as she makes friends, it's time for us to move again.I thought maybe thats why she is sometimes so out of control.She always wants friends around and if she is alone with us that's "SO BOARING". She is very smart and at school they tested her IQ and it was 136.
I feel so guilty about moving her around all the times. Is it going to effect her emotional wellbeing? Is it the reason that she is so shy and can't make a friend without my help? She can't talk to people looking in their eyes, and she whispers when she talks so nobody can hear her. She resists me and doesn't want to follow my directions and sometimes I feel so bad, I scream and say things that in a minute i regret. What can I do to help her to overcome her shyness and be more social and friendly?

[DMWT]

Wow, sounds like my daughter is hanging out at your house!  Although if she were, she would be a joy to be around.  Like your child, mine is very well behaved when she is not at home (you can see my note about her written at the end of Feb. titled "Sense of Humor").  I, too, worry about the teenage years (I do try to reassure myself by telling myself that she is getting it out of her system now and will be an angel when she's older!).  

I cannot count the times I have said "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."  She is sent to her room several times a week (some weeks are better than others).  She does talk back, and can be quite sassy.  I have found that often the best thing for me to do is to ignore her or walk away from her (I tell myself not to be sucked in, don't start to argue).  She, of course, gets rather upset, but I simply tell her that I am not going to argue with her.  Then, ten minutes later, when she has calmed down, I restate my requirement (do your homework, or no TV, or whatever) and she usually complies (which never fails to suprise me, becasue she seemed SO upset just ten minutes earlier!).

Best of luck, and let me know if you find the answer... or even just some good coping tips.   :)

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is good news that your daughter's problematic behavior is confined to the home setting. This indicates that she does not display meajor emotional disorder. Let her know of your observations, and ask her for her own observations about her interactions with family members. Be sure to clarify your expectations about how family members are to treat one another, and do not hesitate to send her to her room for a period (e.g., 15 minutes) of time out when she violates such expectations. Also, try to focus on what's in front of you now. If you start to think too far down the road, your concerns will be magnified in a way that is not useful. You're dealing with a nine-year-old who can be impatient and abrupt with family members some of the time - try not to magnify this beyond what it is.