My Child's Extreme Fear

[concernedparent2011]

My stepdaughter is ten years old and is extremely terrified to sleep by herself. This is something that just happened out of the blue about 4-5 months ago. At first she told us that she was just scared, then I discovered that she watched two scary movies, that I know have not helped the situation. I slept with her one weekend, which I told her I would only do one weekend. Then, another weekend, I stayed up with her until she fell asleep, thinking that this was just a phase that she would grow out of. I have sat down with her and totally reassured her that everything was okay, she was safe, and we would not let anything get her. Her bedroom is two steps away from ours, and we keep our doors open so that she feels better. Nothing has helped. I have pleaded with her to tell me what was going on, but she constantly says "Nothing. I don't know why I am scared. I am scared someone is going to get me" and she cries hysterically. I honestly do not feel that this is normal behavior for a ten year old to be going through, especially not for almost 6 months. Her mother lets her sleep with her every night, so I know that THAT is not helping matters at all, and I can't seem to get her convinced that making her sleep in her room is the key to solving this problem. I feel that she needs to see for herself that nothing is going to happen to her. Any help that you can provide would be greatly appreciated. I have also resorted to giving her awards each weekend that she sleeps in her room all night without crying. That does not help either.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Regardless of what she thinks about it, it is still a reasonable thing to do. It is a big problem for children of divorced parents when the parents cannot get on the same page about things like this. The children suffer because of their parents' issues and that is unfortunate. I hope her mother shows some more flexibility about this.

[concernedparent2011]

Thank you. This is what my goal has been for her all along. To make her sleep in her bed, with some lights on, so she can see that nothing is going to harm her. However, because this is a "divorced parent" situation, and we only get her every other weekend, it makes it all the more difficult. Her mother lets her sleep with her every single night, and insists that this is just a phase and she will grow out of it. I strongly disagree, and I feel that by her mother letting her sleep with her each night, those fears that are already there are going to keep getting stronger as she gets older, plus opening the door for even more fears to come in. She strongly disagrees with my desire to take her to speak to someone, so I am at a dead end. I just did not know that if my making her sleep in her bed, even though she is crying and hysterical, made me seem cruel and unreasonable.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your daughter has made it very clear why she is acting in the manner that she is - there is no mystery about it. She viewed some very frightening movies and this has resulted in her now fearing the night in a way that did not occur before she watched the movies. This will get resolved. It is important not to establish new routines, such as letting her sleep with parents - this will serve only to exacerbate and perpetuate the problem. She should sleep in her own bed, with supports to help that happen. In addition, you might go ahead and make an appointment with a pediatric mental health clinician who can help her and also offer you some ongoing guidance.