Controlling 5-Year Old

[needadvice22]

My 5-year-old daughter has become very controlling lately. She has always tried to control me (her mother) a little bit, but since she has had no success has given up in the past. However, she has started showing this controlling behavior again, and I'm having a great deal of difficulty getting her to stop. She will even try to get me to replay things. For example, if I ask her to do something and she doesn't then she will keep asking me to say exactly what I said before. And when I say no and explain to her that she needs to do things the first time she is asked, she gets extremely upset and starts screaming. I do have another daughter, who is almost 1, and I'm sure some of the behavior is due to the fact that she has to share me now. My 5-year old also has a very hard time in the morning when it is time to get ready for school. At some point in the getting-ready process (whether it is putting her clothes on, getting her done, or putting on her shoes), she starts to throw a fit. I have tried having her pick out her clothes the night before, getting her up earlier to make sure she has enough time, a getting-dressed chart, and everything else I can think of to make it easier, but all to no avail. She has started talking back also, which she has been punished for many times, but she continues to do so. She has been screaming "I hate you" at me. She is well behaved everywhere else (school, Sunday school, and sports). I'm just not sure what my next discipline strategy should be; I have taken things away from her and have made her earn them back (toys and such), I have taken away TV, and I even made her do more chores then normal. My husband and I really do not feel that spanking is a discipline strategy we are comfortable with. I'm very concerned because she is starting kindergarten next year, and there is no way I can fight with her everyday to get ready. I also do not want my child to talk back to me. I feel like I must get her to stop acting out before it gets worse!!

[just_plain_fae]

Actually, research has shown that time-outs do not work to change the child's behavior.  It actually breeds resentment, as children that age tend to sit there and "stew," not sit there and think of other ways to handle the problem.  One thing you might try is modeled after the positive guidance technique called "Love and Logic."  Tell your child what you want her to do - It's time to pick up your toys.  If she does not comply, offer her a choice, but make sure both options are acceptable to you - Do you want to pick them up now, or in ten seconds?  If she refuses to make a choice, narrow her options - Do you want to pick them up now by yourself, or with my help?  If she continues to refuse to comply, put your hand over hers and physically "help" her pick them up.  She will probably rebel the first several times, but be consistent.  On no account offer her the orginal choice twice - once she refuses that choice, she has lost that opportunity and her choices keep getting narrower.  This allows her a feeling of control by allowing her to make her own choices, plus it allows you (the parent) to maintain ultimate control as you are the one deciding what the choices will be.  Just make sure both choices you offer her are acceptable to you.  This technique really works when used consistently, and it builds her confidence and self-esteem while also teaching her self-control.  I have used it for years with the 20+ preschool children I teach.

[xmsrlong]

I would second the good doc.'s advise.  If your child does not respond to timeouts, another method you can try is to purposely walk away and ignore.  Sometimes timeouts can become reinforcing if the behavior is meant to avoid a demand.  Consistency is the key whenever applying any type of behavior modification.  But, don't expect results immediately, it may take a couple of weeks or a month.  The important thing to remember is not to reward "bad" behavior with attention because the attention, whether negative or positive, may be just what your child is seeking.  Also, be neutral when applying the behavior modification strategies.

[xmsrlong]

Early onset bipolar has been documented and studied.  I would suggest that you visit pubmed.com and look up preschool bipolar or pediatric bipolar.  I would also suggest that you take your child to a neurologist, forget the ped., they are typically not qualified.

[Crysbail]

My son is 4 almost 5 and is the only child.  Also diplaying the same problems.  It doesn't seem like the normal tempertantrum other child display.  He is more extreme, friends and family has wittnessed it and thinks he needs to be dignosed for Bipolar Disorder.  Neither of his parents (me  mom) or dad have bipolar, we have had anxiety before he came along.  And I am now experencing depression due to him.  His Dads mom, we feel has bipolar.  Can a child at 4 be diagnosed with this?  I have tried possitive renforsment, that doesn't seem to work it just makes him more mad, then begins to throw things and hits.  I walk on egg shells around him to see what kind of mood he is in first, but then knowing that it can change at any moment.  Anything or nothing can set him off.  I hate feeling like this towrds my child what can I do.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

At the bottom line, the major problem is that your daughter is not doing as she is told. This is by far the most frequent childhood behavior problem. It can be dealt with successfully in a straightforward way by systematically issuing directions and utilizing time out in response to noncompliance. Here is the procedure. First, issue the direction: e.g., "Susan, please pick up your toys". If she complies, offer verbal praise. If she does not comply, say: "If you do not pick up your toys, you are going to time out". As you can see, the second (and last) direction is in the form of an ultimatum. Absolutleyl do not issue the direction again. If she complies, offer verbal praise. If she does not comply, place her in time out for five minutes. Use a digital cooking timer to track the time out. Start the timer when your daughter (a) is in the time out chair and (b) is quiet. At the end of the time out, be sure she does what she was told to do. If you follow this routine religiously, she will make progress. To help you with behavior management, read Lynn Clark's book: SOS: Help for Parents.