At What Age Do You Tell Him I am Not His Father?

[Amy Suzanne]

My boyfriend is divorced with one son (age 6) and another child who is his Ex's from a previous relationship.  The other child,age8, does not know my boyfriend is not his father.  His mother has threatened my boyfriend with never seeing his son if he tells the 8 yr old the truth.  This has been going on for 3 years and the 8 yr old child has family in the same town that he does not know about.  The 8 yr old has a behavior problem in school and is starting to ask questions about his birthday being before the wedding.  At what age is it appropriate to tell a child that he is not your son?  The 5yr old is non-confrontational and is going to be devistated by the news.  The biological father has tried to be a part of the child's life (unknown to my boyfriend) but the Ex wife has told him to stay away.  
  Is keeping a secret like this from a child the same as lying?  Isn't this going to destroy a child?  Doesn't the child have the right to know his relatives in the town, especially since he is in school with them?  What happens if one of his relatives walks up to him in school and tells him the truth?  Who should be ther when he is told and when do you think we should tell him?

Thank you

[Julie Walsh]

2 points:  
1. I would suggest your boyfriend have councilling or other supports lined up before he does this. From you statements, you don't expect the mother to handle this well. Your boyfriend can have these supports ready for the children as they adjust; I wouldn't trust her to have their best interests in mind. It sounds as if she's protecting her image of herself rather than the best interests of the children in this scenario.
2. I know the laws in Canada are different, but here she CANNOT interfere with your boyfriend's right to see his son. Or, more exactly, his son's right to know his father. The 8 year old also has a right to know his father - especially if that father has been trying to contact him in the first place. The only exceptions are where the children are at risk, otherwise she does not get to pull the dance strings. And if your boyfriend's concerned about not seeing the 8 year old (once he knows he's not the father), ours laws would extend the parental rights to him for the 8 year old too because he has known him as his father for x #of years.  the basic biology isn't as important as the bond, relationship, and perspective of the child.

Good luck to you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is not so much a question of age as it is a question about a child's ability to understand what is being discussed. An eight-year-old is perfectly capable of grasping this type of information, and it would make sense to tell him. Then, those who are close to him can help him to deal with the reality. If the relationship between his mother and your friend were good, it would make sense for the two of them to tell him together. However, your note indicates that the climate is not favorable for this to occur. Thus, your friend, the person he regards as his father, should notify his ex-wife that he intends to tell him and then proceed to do this, even if his ex-wife disagrees. He needs to know the truth about his history.