PLEASE help me save my 11 year old son

[sneakins]

in general he's a great kid. has good manners. i am split up from the mom but i get him every weekend. hes always done good in school and had one of the highest basic skills tests of his class....last year.

Now this year, shockingly, he is getting D's and F's...looking at his grades, hes scoring well on tests, that he has to do in class, but he is VERY irresponsible and I'm not sure why. He even does his homework, but then leaves it in his bag, or turns it in incomplete or not at all...he just doesn't seem to care.

Im at a loss. he is on medication for ADHD to keep him focused, but he is still very careless. i had a strong talk with him and took away all his video games, ipod, phone, etc. When I talk to him he gives me excuses like "it was turned in, i just turned it in late" or "i have a plan" and always acts as if im getting through to him but apparantly im not

his math teacher just called saying he forgets a pencil every day and has to ask teacher for one...EVERY DAY...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS KID!? im not giving him any xmas presents this year, aside from completely giving up on him and letting him fail through life, i am helpless....Scare him with Military School??

PLEASE any advice is appreciated. maybe if he lived with me instead of his mom, maybe hes rebelling at home with his mom and her husband with 2 kids.....

im feel like my hands are tied here

thanks

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Before I neglect to mention it, your idea of refusing Christmas gifts is a bad idea. It is punitive and will not help a bit. So I hope you reconsider that plan. I know you are desperate to see things get better, but you have to keep a level head, not get carried away. Do not ry to solve this by yourself. You and his mother have to plan together to get him some help. He clearly has many strengths and these will serve him well. But the disorganization and lack of planning need to be addressed. Mow, both can be aspects of his disorder of attention, and it may be that he is undertreated. That situation should be reviewed with the prescribing doctor. A therapist should also be involved, both to help him and to guide you and his mother.

[sneakins]

looking at his grades...he got a perfect score on a quiz...i KNOW the kid is smart..have always known this. its more about his BEHAVIOR than his grades. i think his lack of caring is the #1 reason his grades are slipping, due to not 'caring' to bring in completed work to class....

is it possible that its just his age? 11? like maybe when hes 13 he will start growing up..mentally..and turn things around on his own?? maybe its the move to middle school...i can't figure this out :(

[tonya623]

I don't know how much help I can be since I am having trouble with my 10yr old that even has the professionals confused.  He is also having the problems with turning in his work and doing his work in class so I can at least tell you what the professionals say to me about that.  They believe (or believed) that he wasnt turning in  his work as a form of rebellion and as a way to have control over his life.  The thought that maybe he was turning in the work and doing little things like "losing" pencils and papers as a way of showing himself that he had control over what happens to him.  We were told to have the teacher send home a progress report everyday stating his behavior, grades, work done on time or not and a list of the homework that was due and turned in. That way he was held accountable everyday for what he did that day instead of at the end of the week or when report cards came out.  It actually worked for a while because he was afraid of getting punished and knew there was no way to get around the rules without me finding out.  I also became good friends with the teacher and went to regular conferences so he knew that I would know what he was up to.  I would also recommend family counseling in order to find out why he feels out of control and needs to do the things that he does, since there is no way this is all accidental but most likely something he does on purpose and most likely doesnt understand why he does it. :) Good luck.

[sneakins]

yes he has a therapist, I'm not sure how much help she is or how much time he spends with her. After first hearing of him doing bad I thought the pills he was on had something to do with it, actually causing a negative effect, so I offered to go to his therapist session, just me and him.

I went and expressed my frustration, letting her know the pills he was on seem to make him a zombie when i see him on the weekend, and that one weekend he forgot his pills and he acted like himself, and in a good way. He was happy and energetic and funny, not all zoned out and drugged up

So I told this to the doctor who prescribed him a new pill (not sure off hand what name is, think its a form of adderrall). She said it was designed to keep him focused but also more organized.....

This was 2 weeks ago.

Thank you for the advice on the Xmas presents. What I did yesterday was pick him up after he got off the School Bus and told him to GET IN and was visually upset...he was surprised.

I told him I got a call from his math teacher saying hes forgetting pencils, handing in blank assignments, late for school bus, etc, and that I cant believe it. I go on to tell him that I have the ball rolling on MILITARY SCHOOL...this scrared the **** out of me growing up so Im using it on him...he had tears in his eyes and trying not to cry

Long story short i take him back to my house, show him his xmas presents (wrapped) and tell him im not going to let him have any presents unless i hear good things this next week, if i hear bad things, he wont get the presents until he starts turning around

ill take your advice and let him have SOME presents but im definitely not going to spend the $250i was planning to.

i then showed him the website for A military school in the area, what they wore everyday and what their daily schedule was like and that me and his mom MIGHT be able to drive and visit him once every couple weeks but that its a 3 hour drive and he would be at this military school...NO TV, etc..

HE WAS SCARED SHI**LESS ..... had tears in his eyes the whole time.. this ***** i hate to make him sad like this but what else can i do?

SO i scared him with the military school, telling him we are going to have a meeting with the school on the website after xmas or soon after depending how he does....

I take him to his room and have him help me move his TV out of his room along with all his video games

I talk to him ALOT about how hes messing up his future and that i hate getting mad at him and that this is his LAST CHANCE....

i really hope i got the message across this time

[sneakins]

thanks tonya

another thing...hes my 11 year old son. i was with his mom till he was about 1 and a half.....since then, shes gotten married, and had 2 more kids, boy is 4 now i think and girl is less than 1 year old

could he be "rebelling" because of his siblings?? could his mother and step dad and brother and sister make him feel alone? or jealous? this has to have something to do with it but ive asked him this and he denys it. ive thought all along hes been 'acting out' for some reason..this just isnt like him to be so .. careless...

[sneakins]

and he LOVES coming to my house. youd think his mom must be a monster the way he cant wait to come to my house every weekend, and always says how hes always getting yelled at....

now in her defense, she says he doesnt listen..hence the yelling...

its impossible for me to know exactly what goes on over there, but i cant imagine growing up as an only child then all of a sudden having 2 little siblings getting all the attention?

[sneakins]

update. the military school scare/threat seemed to work, i just hope its not a temporary scare....

his math teacher emailed me today and said he came prepared, eager to learn and turned in completed assignments.

then my boy called me right when he got out of school to say how great he did all day, and asked if he would still have to go to military school

i told him no, as long as this keeps up, but as soon as his grades slip or i hear of bad behavior...we have the meeting with the head of the military school (slight fib)

tell me doc, is this a good method or what are your thoughts on this. I used this move out of desperation of not having any other ideas, and so far so good...

[tonya623]

I dont know if it may be a case of sibling rivalry or jealously or maybe some other emotional problem that may be affecting his behavior but if it is emotional and not just behavioral then you may want to ease off the anger a bit.  I know it is frustrating and you know he can do a lot more than he does but you also have to keep in mind that there is most likely an underlying cause to his actions that aren't in his control.  If you push him too hard you may just push him away.