Pre-school trouble

[fenella1]

My 3 and a half year old daughter has always been demanding, to the point that her childminder could no longer cope with her, and I removed her from a pre-school because they labelled her as 'different'. Anyway, she's at a new pre-school, and we're having similar problems. Basically, they say she doesn't listen sometimes, is hesitant about joining in activities, and doesn't always follow instructions. She doesn't listen to us sometimes (when she's engrossed in something), despite having perfect hearing, but we've worked out strategies like standing right in front of her, and she follows instructions. A health visitor went to observe her and said that maybe she's not processing all the instructions, but she does at home, so we're confused.
When she started at this pre-school, I was 8 months pregnant, and now her brother is 3 months old.  For the last couple of weeks she has regressed (acting like the 2 year olds in the pre-school, urinating on the floor even though toilet-trained). Following the childminder and first pre-school experiences, we went to child development experts, behaviour experts etc. who didn't find anything amiss and in fact said she's probably bright, so we were quite shocked to be pulled aside again at this new pre-school.
When her father or I are with her, she plays well with other children when they come to our house, and we think she's a lot less clingy.  She does look to me sometimes for direction, e.g if we go to an activity requiring participation, which makes me wonder if I've been too controlling (I try not to be as I'd like her to be independent).
I'm disappointed at being pulled aside to be told of 'concerns' because I just want us to get on with our family life without focussing on 'differences' which are causing me to feel unconfident as a mother, and  to get depressed, but I don't want to pull her out of pre-school again. I'm also a bit fed of of being looked at pityingly because my daughter is difficult, possibly with some sort of disorder, and I've become very sensitive to what I perceive as criticism.
Any advice would be very welcome

[Ferlin]

A related discussion, How to handle a preschool child who has learning delay was started.

[fenella1]

Thank you for all your advice.  I think you're right Ange that she is testing boundaries, and I would certainly consider a counsellor if necessary.  I also realise that I'm probably suffering from mild depression also which makes me more sensitive, and causes my daughter to play up a bit as she's always been very sensitive to my moods.  I'm probably the one who needs to see a counsellor!

[Ange 411]

I have been recently having the same problems with my allmost 4 year old son. My advice as I am a early childhood education major is just hang in there. This seems to be natural behavior. It sounds like she is trying to test what kind of responses she can get from her behavior.If the behavior continues it wouldn't hurt to talk to a counsler. I allways felt if my child has to see a counsler that meant I wasn't doing a very good job as a parent. If you are doing the best you can and you allways let her know she is special and loved I think she will soon realize she doesn't have to act out.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

To your credit, you're aware of your e,otional response to the situation. Try to handle it with equanimity - it's not going to help if you allow yourself to become emotionally troubled by it. Yes, there is some concern, but nothing that can't be handled. Be sure at home that you are consistent in expecting that your daughter follow directions. Don't repeat a direction any more than one time. If she does not comply, place her in time out. In other words, be sure you're communicating to her by actions, not only by words, that you expect her to do as she is told. At school, hopefully they adopt the same approach, and she will learn that it is in her best interest to follow directions/instructions. Relative to the peer interactions, they will improve over time. Sometimes we expect too much of three-year-olds relative to their readiness to interact with peers. If she's able to play alongside peers and not interfere with them, she's doing OK. Her interactional skills will improve as she matures.