6 year old with emotional problems

[englishmother]

My 6 year old daughter is exceptionally bright and a year ahead of her peers with her studies at school. However, she is emotionally very immature. I am becoming increasingly concerned with her behaviour. She will do what she is told most of the time and sanctions or consistent discipline tend to work when she doesn't. The real problem is that she must be in control of every situation and she will get incredibly upset if she can't. She has a 3 year old sister who is emotionally mature (or right for her age), a 7 year old step-sister who is very mature for her age and a 4 year old step brother. She sees her step-siblings every other weekend. If the others are happily playing a game, my daughter will wade in and insist they play it her way. This upsets everyone, but mostly my daughter who simply can not cope with their refusal and will vent her frustration by screaming and crying. It's the same story at school or on occasions when there are friends or similar aged children at home. She is intensly competitive and must win or be the best at everything - she can not cope when she is not first, the best or the brightest.  She is a perfectionist who will not begin her school work until she has completely understood the task, often holding up the class with her endless questions. Her teachers say this is unneccesary as she is the only one who really gets it first time! Their view is that although she is bright, she has some emotional and social problems. She does not make friends easily - I believe other children are very wary of her and her outbursts when things don't go her way. She gets frustrated by simple things very easily. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt she does not and possibly can not listen or hear what I say, regardless of how I approach her. She talks over me and when she is quiet, her eyes are completely glazed over. This does concern me. She idolises her father (she stays with him every other weekend) who is himself a deeply competitive man. I should say that I have a very positive relationship with him - no animosity - we split when she was three, but the children have all adjusted very well on the whole. She is a very confident girl, often putting on shows for the family, will perform with absolutely no sense of fear or embarrasment that I see naturally in other children her age. It is almost as though this social connection - that and the inability to see her how actions affect people around her - is completely missing. She is also extremely generous and will make gifts and draw pictures for anyone in the house on a daily basis. She has a significant amount of my time after school and I always try and ensure I spend a good hour just with her. I am becoming sad for her that I think she is not very happy and am keen to find a way of understanding why she is like this and why she simply does not understand the effect of her actions or can't hear me when I talk to her. English attitude is 'she'll be fine, don't analyse it'. Please help!

[cdnskmom]

A related discussion, Child behaviour problems caused by food allergies... was started.

[englishmother]

Oh - to TX Mom - I would be interested to hear how you get on with the school counsellor and if they recommend any further tests. Can you let me know if you would be prepared to discuss it further with me? Completely understand if not! If you post another comment here, I would be happy to return my e-mail address. Many thanks.

[englishmother]

Thank you all for your comments and help. It's certainly reassuring to know I'm not the only one out there! Thanks also for the tip on the book - I shall have a search for it today. It's very difficult to square a child who is so 'clever' yet clearly slow socially and emotionally. I was hoping this would be a case of changing my behaviour and the mechanisms I have for dealing with her - which is something I will explore now and keep a sharp eye on how she develops. Thanks again.

[TX Mom]

I was so relieved to see your question.  It makes me feel better just knowing that someone else is having the same problem.  I have almost the exactly same situation with my 8 year old son.  His father and I are happily married and we also have a three year old son. My 8 year old makes straight A's, but it having social problems.  He has recently started to tell me he hates himself.  I have noticed other kids shying away from him because of him always having to control the game or how people play.  He makes very simple tasks complicated and judges himself very harshly.  On the other hand, he is also very kind and generous.  I am making an appointment with his school counselor and will make an appt. with a professional if she feels it is a good idea.  I have read a few books about type A personalities.  A great one to read is "The High Spirited Child".  They have the potential to be great leaders if we can learn the skills we need to shape their personalities.  God Bless and I hope we both learn how to raise happy healthy children.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your daughter certainly has a wealth of strengths and this indicates she actually will be fine. Children of this age are only just beginning to have a grasp of how their behavior influences others (and consequently themselves), so don't expect too much of her in this regard. By fundamental temperament, some children are controlling by nature, and it is not unusual for such children to have perfectionistic traits and to be a bit rigid or inflexible in their thinking. While she won't be transformed over time, she will likely develop more flexibility and increased capacity to manage the ups and downs of social interactions. It remains to be seen if her perfectionistic traits are indicative of either an Obsessive-Compulsive Personality or an Obsessive-Compulsive Anxiety Disorder. It's too early right now to know. The apple probably didn't fall far from the tree, as they say, as you describe her father's inclinations.