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Separation Anxiety from 8 year old son
Similar questions have been posted, but, you know how it is, you're not sure that some of the answers fit your situation exactly so, you go ahead and ask what seems like the same old questions over and over...
So, let's ask it again, shall we. I am a divorced father and we have 2 boys, 8 (2nd Grade) and 12 (7th Grade). When we divorced, I was the parent the kept the house and the mother moved to a condo nearby. We separated (Feb 2004) almost 2 years ago and offically divorced September 2004. We lived a (story in itself) soap opera/almost Jerry Springer type life for a year and a half prior to her moving out. We share time evenly, 50/50.
Lately, my youngest is going through separation anxiety. His requests to "sleep with me" are now a nightly occurance and I will on occasion (2-3 times a month) allow it. On his mother's side, he sleeps with her nightly and I believe, my oldest also sleeps with her frequently (unsure about every night).
He does talk with his mother about this (seperation anxiety) but does not openly talk about this with me. I do try to provide an open forum for the kids to talk about anything but try to do this by them using their own words. I do not ask them questions that require a yes or no answer, which I try to avoid as I think this can lead to (my viewpoint), putting words in their mouth as opposed to hearing what they feel or have to say (maybe this is a problem I need to work with).
Anyway, when he (my youngest) talks with his mother on the phone (she tells me), he tells her that he really misses her and pleads with her to come over and asks her to ask me if she can come over.
If there is no call, we do not "appear" to have a problem. Which I am not saying there isn't a problem without a call, I just don't see any changes in him unless he talks with his mother.
I will add that the level of interaction between his mother and I is extremely minimal, and I do mean minimal. We do interact when we need to (which is infrequent) but nothing beyond that. Their mother has occasionally popped up the "R" word (reconciliation) but I have no interest in this topic (I'll leave it at that). Neither of us has a "live-in" as I have noticed in other posts, so we haven't muddied the situation with that one.
Anyway, with the background set, I struggle with exactly what I should ask this forum. I guess any comments you have about what I have mentioned so far is welcomed.
As I mentioned, I do not ask them a lot of yes/no questions when it comes to how they fell about something but I know the boys are not as open with me as they are with their mother. Although I do claim I provide an open forum, I don't think it is the case. I could use help here.
Honestly, I don't know if what the ex tells me is how they feel, or it is my youngest answering yes/no to her comments/questions, or, I mean this thought has occured to me, she is saying it to provide a reason, using the kids, for reconciliation.
Whew!
So, let's ask it again, shall we. I am a divorced father and we have 2 boys, 8 (2nd Grade) and 12 (7th Grade). When we divorced, I was the parent the kept the house and the mother moved to a condo nearby. We separated (Feb 2004) almost 2 years ago and offically divorced September 2004. We lived a (story in itself) soap opera/almost Jerry Springer type life for a year and a half prior to her moving out. We share time evenly, 50/50.
Lately, my youngest is going through separation anxiety. His requests to "sleep with me" are now a nightly occurance and I will on occasion (2-3 times a month) allow it. On his mother's side, he sleeps with her nightly and I believe, my oldest also sleeps with her frequently (unsure about every night).
He does talk with his mother about this (seperation anxiety) but does not openly talk about this with me. I do try to provide an open forum for the kids to talk about anything but try to do this by them using their own words. I do not ask them questions that require a yes or no answer, which I try to avoid as I think this can lead to (my viewpoint), putting words in their mouth as opposed to hearing what they feel or have to say (maybe this is a problem I need to work with).
Anyway, when he (my youngest) talks with his mother on the phone (she tells me), he tells her that he really misses her and pleads with her to come over and asks her to ask me if she can come over.
If there is no call, we do not "appear" to have a problem. Which I am not saying there isn't a problem without a call, I just don't see any changes in him unless he talks with his mother.
I will add that the level of interaction between his mother and I is extremely minimal, and I do mean minimal. We do interact when we need to (which is infrequent) but nothing beyond that. Their mother has occasionally popped up the "R" word (reconciliation) but I have no interest in this topic (I'll leave it at that). Neither of us has a "live-in" as I have noticed in other posts, so we haven't muddied the situation with that one.
Anyway, with the background set, I struggle with exactly what I should ask this forum. I guess any comments you have about what I have mentioned so far is welcomed.
As I mentioned, I do not ask them a lot of yes/no questions when it comes to how they fell about something but I know the boys are not as open with me as they are with their mother. Although I do claim I provide an open forum, I don't think it is the case. I could use help here.
Honestly, I don't know if what the ex tells me is how they feel, or it is my youngest answering yes/no to her comments/questions, or, I mean this thought has occured to me, she is saying it to provide a reason, using the kids, for reconciliation.
Whew!
children r treasures is so right. she sounds very wise in her parenting. Children need routine. i am a mom of 6 and im 41 years old and i need routine. it doesn't stop when we are kids.
There is nothing worse then not knowing the plan at least for me. Iam fine with whatever as long as i know the plan. shes right your child needs a set time and after school is great. the conversation needs to be him sharing with mom about him. I believe if she wants to talk about her and him i think she should save that when they r together. divorce is hard but your time is important too. try to work on being a family when you have him.. give it time it will all work out.. good luck.
Just try to say good things about there mom if he does want to talk about her she is still his mom and he loves her very much it sounds like. she should do the same to when he talks about you. good luck
There is nothing worse then not knowing the plan at least for me. Iam fine with whatever as long as i know the plan. shes right your child needs a set time and after school is great. the conversation needs to be him sharing with mom about him. I believe if she wants to talk about her and him i think she should save that when they r together. divorce is hard but your time is important too. try to work on being a family when you have him.. give it time it will all work out.. good luck.
Just try to say good things about there mom if he does want to talk about her she is still his mom and he loves her very much it sounds like. she should do the same to when he talks about you. good luck
Hi there- I have a son who is coming up to 9 years old.(I am happily married and have no particular worries so (thankfully) a steady home)He has always been a little shy, but not to a worrying degree. About a year ago, he went through a terribly time. He was completely insecure, barely managed to go to school as he was so scared I wouldn
Your situation is very similar to mine. I have two sons, 8 and 10. My 8-year old is currently displaying the same emotions of wanting to be with mom (me). Our situation is one of a 19-year marriage ending in divorce in one month, the father marrying a girl 26 years his junior from another country the next month.
Fortunately, our school and therapist are helping us through this. I refrain from calling my son (although it kills me) when he's with his father, as well as refrain from taking him onto campus at his school - which is what I use to do regularly.
Both sons regularly express the desire to sleep with me. I allow this to happen very infrequently. It's all about understanding and accepting the need to allow your children to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety. It's important to acknowledge their fears/emotions "Yes, son, I know you want to be with me" or "my tummy hurts too when I'm upset". I hope the mother of your sons understands this concept and does not give in to the gut-reaction of calling frequently or infringing on your Parenting time. In reverse of this, it is important for you NOT to contact The Other Parent to pacify your son during your parenting time. Again, it's about teaching your son how to cope with stress and that he will get through this. Although it is very TAXING and TIRING on the parents.
As with your sons, mine openly express their feelings to me, but refrain from revealing them to The Other Parent. The Other Parent in my situation is also saddened that his sons don't talk with him. I believe this is just one of many ways relationships vary between child/mom and child/dad. Be patient during this transition - understand that dialogue between you and The Other Parent is necessary to come up with a game plan that you BOTH agree on. It's hard to put your feelings toward The Other Parent aside, but it is necessary when the subject is your child.
I was so relieved to see that other 8-year-olds in this world are going through this -- and happy to see that a father is concerned enough to write in about it. Good luck.
Fortunately, our school and therapist are helping us through this. I refrain from calling my son (although it kills me) when he's with his father, as well as refrain from taking him onto campus at his school - which is what I use to do regularly.
Both sons regularly express the desire to sleep with me. I allow this to happen very infrequently. It's all about understanding and accepting the need to allow your children to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety. It's important to acknowledge their fears/emotions "Yes, son, I know you want to be with me" or "my tummy hurts too when I'm upset". I hope the mother of your sons understands this concept and does not give in to the gut-reaction of calling frequently or infringing on your Parenting time. In reverse of this, it is important for you NOT to contact The Other Parent to pacify your son during your parenting time. Again, it's about teaching your son how to cope with stress and that he will get through this. Although it is very TAXING and TIRING on the parents.
As with your sons, mine openly express their feelings to me, but refrain from revealing them to The Other Parent. The Other Parent in my situation is also saddened that his sons don't talk with him. I believe this is just one of many ways relationships vary between child/mom and child/dad. Be patient during this transition - understand that dialogue between you and The Other Parent is necessary to come up with a game plan that you BOTH agree on. It's hard to put your feelings toward The Other Parent aside, but it is necessary when the subject is your child.
I was so relieved to see that other 8-year-olds in this world are going through this -- and happy to see that a father is concerned enough to write in about it. Good luck.
I'm definitely not a dr or even a divorced parent (I am a mom to 5 children though...not sure that qualifies me for anything but it sounds impressive :)...LOL).
It sounds like your son is insecure. Most children thrive best with boundaries and routine to promote security. Since the phone call seems to stir up your son's anxiety, his mom needs to keep the conversation short and light (10 mins...without any probing questions). Schedule it into his day so he knows he can call if he wants. His mom will need to encourage this...they can call it their "date".
Usually right after school and before dinner is a good time; he probably has a lot to talk about then and is unlikely to have thought much about being away from mom at that point. It's up to her to end the conversation before he runs out of steam and starts to "slump". The worst time to let him call is probably at bed time and meal times...kids are usually already a little out of sorts at that time anyway (so am I actually!!).
If he asks to call her again tell him he can call her after school every day if he wants to (set an exact time such as 4:30). Then do something *with* him afterwards so that he's not alone with his thoughts :).
You're right, yes or no questions can be very leading and children will often answer in a way to get a rise or desired response from the person asking. Eventually many kids learn to "play" each parent to get what they want (whether it's things or parental attention). Don't buy into it.
If you're comfortable with him sleeping with you then it's not a problem. If you're not then maybe you could sit with him in his bed for 10-15 mins and read to him. When the time is up give him a kiss, hug, tell him you love him and go to your bed. A flashlight or nightlight might help him too (my kids listen to children's dramas or books on cd while they go to sleep).
My 8 year old also struggles with insecurity and my husband and I have been happily married for 10 years...regardless of the situation some kids just need the extra reassurance that routine and one on one time can offer (my son absolutely thrives on a schedule; if lunch is even a little bit late it throws him off).
Your entire situation is a hard one...I'm sorry you haven't been able to work it out with your children's mother. My parents divorced when I was an adult but I remember them talking about it when I was younger. Their relationship was rocky but I'm glad we all lived together anyway. Even though my parents seem happier in general and I love their new spouses it always feels like something is missing (my parent's divorce was not a cordial one...It's been 4 years and they do not speak too each other and only very rarely about each other...my brothers and I do not talk with one about the other...it's sad in a lot of ways).
Kelly
It sounds like your son is insecure. Most children thrive best with boundaries and routine to promote security. Since the phone call seems to stir up your son's anxiety, his mom needs to keep the conversation short and light (10 mins...without any probing questions). Schedule it into his day so he knows he can call if he wants. His mom will need to encourage this...they can call it their "date".
Usually right after school and before dinner is a good time; he probably has a lot to talk about then and is unlikely to have thought much about being away from mom at that point. It's up to her to end the conversation before he runs out of steam and starts to "slump". The worst time to let him call is probably at bed time and meal times...kids are usually already a little out of sorts at that time anyway (so am I actually!!).
If he asks to call her again tell him he can call her after school every day if he wants to (set an exact time such as 4:30). Then do something *with* him afterwards so that he's not alone with his thoughts :).
You're right, yes or no questions can be very leading and children will often answer in a way to get a rise or desired response from the person asking. Eventually many kids learn to "play" each parent to get what they want (whether it's things or parental attention). Don't buy into it.
If you're comfortable with him sleeping with you then it's not a problem. If you're not then maybe you could sit with him in his bed for 10-15 mins and read to him. When the time is up give him a kiss, hug, tell him you love him and go to your bed. A flashlight or nightlight might help him too (my kids listen to children's dramas or books on cd while they go to sleep).
My 8 year old also struggles with insecurity and my husband and I have been happily married for 10 years...regardless of the situation some kids just need the extra reassurance that routine and one on one time can offer (my son absolutely thrives on a schedule; if lunch is even a little bit late it throws him off).
Your entire situation is a hard one...I'm sorry you haven't been able to work it out with your children's mother. My parents divorced when I was an adult but I remember them talking about it when I was younger. Their relationship was rocky but I'm glad we all lived together anyway. Even though my parents seem happier in general and I love their new spouses it always feels like something is missing (my parent's divorce was not a cordial one...It's been 4 years and they do not speak too each other and only very rarely about each other...my brothers and I do not talk with one about the other...it's sad in a lot of ways).
Kelly
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Separation and divorce always take a toll on children. It's not always possible to predict what specific toll they will take, but they will. It's clear that your son misses his mother, and the call likely 'lights that fuse' at the moment, though this is not to say that he misses her any less when the call does not occur. But, if his emotional response is not precipiated by a call, he likely keeps the emotional response more at bay. When children are spending considerable time with each parent, and it's clear that phone contact can de-stabilize them, I usually recommend to parents that they take a look at whether the calls are necessary or helpful. Sometimes, time in one home, uninterrupted by phone contact, is the best idea. As parents, we sometimes tell ourselves that the children need the phone contact, when they often really do not. So, you can see the direction I'm guiding you. Some conversation between you and the children's mother about this would be prudent.
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