Was I a normal kid?

[extremely_depressed]

What I'm about to say is extremely embarassing . Also, I post this in the child behavior forum because I need to know if what I did as a 12 year old is considered normal.

When I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. In fact I was quite sexual at the time, I remember masturbating frequently and using objects to aid me with it. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. . I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. Also, I was NOT sexually abused as a child.

I have been told I was just being curious. However,  I was already aware of my sexuality, so maybe curiousity isn't the case. I was obviously turned on, because why would I have done that otherwise?

First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset. My biggest concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was 12. Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??)

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

For the concern you have about how your boyfriend or friends might react if they knew about this episode, I can't  of course say. People on the threshhold of their adolescence often engage in actions that are spurred on by hormones and achieve the result of gratification of pleasure. Was your behavior with the cat unusual? Yes, it's fair to say it was. Was it evidence of gross disturbance or sexual pervesion? No, there is no indication of that. It's time you let yourself off the hook for this epside that occurred half-a-life (almost) ago. Move on from it. Many (if not most) children who are twelve or thirteen, at the start of their adolescence, do things that they prefer remain private and at the time brought them some physical pleasure. This is not something that should continue to be a focus of your concern. If you are no longer in therapy, it might be useful to return to therapy to address this self-perception about being a fraud.

[extremely_depressed]

Thank you for your reply. I feel depressed because I feel abnormal. I know it was a long time ago but for some reason I cannot forget about this incident. I have been through episodes of depression before, once when I was 13, once when I was just starting university, and now. All episodes have lasted a few months except that this one has been going on since May. And all of the episodes are a result of this incident. What triggers this memory are things like friends making jokes about bestiality.  Of course everyone thinks bestiality is disgusting (as do I), so then when I think about what I did when I was 12 I become very depressed, because I did something disgusting and, as you say, unusual. Currently I take Effexor 150mg but I am starting to question its effectiveness on me. Many other people have told me it was not unusual to experiment in this way, but I am receiving conflicting opinions on the matter. I do not like to think about whether this incident is considered sex or not, because this too is something that immensely upsets me. I am going to continue with therapy, because I feel that I likely have anxiety.