Please help me, I can't bury my son!

[dani1015]

Brief history - I have a 15 year old son who has severe ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).  He is not on any meds for that because of course he says he does not need them (he does!).  My ex husband (his father) is a recovering alcoholic and addict and my son (well both my sons) had a hard childhood because of him. They say too much and have been through too much.  My youngest son has A LOT of anger towards his father and I have tried getting him help for that but he doesn't participate with anything we have tried.  My son is constantly in trouble at home and at school.  He has had too many detentions to count, suspended numerous times, and has been arrested once although he has had other encounters with the law.  This last year he has begun experimenting with cigarettes and drugs.  At first it was marijuana and to me that was bad enough with his personality and his family history.  He also has experimented with smoking spice and now I am getting word he is doing pills as well.  I hacked into his facebook account and saw a message between him and a "friend".  This friend is planning on bringing some kind of sleeping pills to school on Friday morning to share with my son.  He promised my son he would feel funny but good and when he closed his eyes he would see a bunch of weird things.  My son is so excited and agreed to do this.  I know I need to intervene but I don't know what to do.  We have tried talking to him, we have punished him, and we have tried getting him help.  He is just not receptive to ANTHING!  Please what can I do???? I am scared for his life!!!  Please help me!!!!!!!!

[Sandman2]

   Oh ....geez.  I feel for you.  You are kind of up the creek without a paddle.
All of his actions point to drug use (as you have suggested).  This is not something that you can handle by yourself.  
    Do talk with someone at the high school.  They must also have experience in dealing with kids like this (since they also seem to be at the school).  Get to them before they leave for the summer.  Probably start with his counselor.  Tell him what is going on and ask if he has any suggestions of places to turn for help.  If he doesn't know, then ask who he would suggest.  Make an appointment and do this in person as soon as possible.  If that doesn't work then the next step is possibly to talk with someone in the police department ?  Hopefully, others out there have ideas.  But he definitely sounds like he is into the drug culture.  And summer time is a high risk time for that.  Good Luck

[teddybears4ever2]

Have you ever thought of taking your kid to the hospital?  There they can force him to take his medication.  I guess it might be worth a shot.

[dani1015]

Thanks to everyone for all their comments.  I am just at a complete loss.  In regards to your question of why he won't take the medication, well to be honest he feels he doesn't need it.  He told me that he doesn't have a problem and that it is everyone else who has one.  He was on meds in 6th grade (he is currently in 9th now) and he was a different kid.  He did great in school and just overall was better.  He use to be a star athlete on the basketball team and he has since given that up too.  I have tried getting him involved in other things but he has no interest.  All he wants to do is hang around a bunch of kids who either deal drugs or does them.  He gets so mad at me and he can't understand why I won't let him.  

In regards to the IEP, yes he has one but I don't know that it does much good.  He gets modifcations to his school work and he has an aide in most classrooms to help him as well.  They implemented a behavior plan this year to it but it is more about what they expect from him and what will happen if he won't follow it.  Let me tell you after our meeting and them telling him what he will not do, he sat there with a grin on his face and the next day he did one of the things he wasn't suppose to do and was suspended.  He basically will not be told what to do and he will prove that.  He does not care about the consequences.  I know an IEP is only going to help if he lets it help but this is his first year of highschool and in addition to the drugs, he has pretty much failed his freshman year.  School is over in 3 days for the year and he is walking away with 1 or possibly 2 credits.  Again he doesn't care.  

I have taken him to numerous counselors and psychiatrists.  He won't partcipate in the therapy and he resuses to take meds.  How am I suppsoe to make him??? It's not that easy.  His pediatrician tried talking to him but all he says is well now she hates me.  She suggested a military school as well and I have looked in to them but I just cannot afford it.  They average about 30-40,000 a year.  I feel like I am failing him but I just don't have that kind of money.  

Sorry if this is so long, I am just at a loss and feel defeated.

[allmymarbles]

I agree completely with specicalmom's and adgal's first entries. This is the time for official intervention.

I know a mother who was having serious trouble with her two sons. Drugs were involved. She notified the police. It saved both of them. One was forever grateful, the second never spoke to her again. But, again, they were both saved.

[Sandman2]

   Your son is self medicating.  Its one of the problems with people with ADHD.   In fact, in "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley she says that "stimulant medication reduced the risk for substance abuse by approximately half in adolescents."   The sad thing is that if your son is not taking any meds (and probably not getting any counseling), he will probably just get worse.  All the get tough stuff will deal with the immediate problem, not what is causing the problem.
   Why is he not taking his meds?  Did he have a bad experience with the medication.  I have seen many posts on the ADHD forum where kids suffered because either the doctor or the parent was not communicating.  And sometimes if it is an over worked pediatrician - the doctor either over or under medicates with bad results.  If you want to help him, one of the best things to do is to find a good psychiatrist who can relate to teenagers.  The counselors at your school might be able to help with ideas.
   And by the way, the school should be more involved then just suspending him.  Does he have a 504 or an IEP?  He certainly qualifies from what you have said.

[teddybears4ever2]

I would as my sister said, lay down the law.  Believe me I have seen what happens when parents don't.  You should get him help in anyway you can, and if nothing works ship him off to boarding school.  Make sure that you do contact the police about the drugs he is talking about, as the young man that is bringing them could be expelled from school.  

[RockRose]

I think "laying down the law" is a pretty common response,  and I think when it's done,  it can be successful.

But what I see here is a child who is self-medicating and depressed.

In my opinion,  he needs something that he cares about,  and that can be almost anything.  It sounds like,  right now,  he cares about absolutely nothing.

Would he respond to an extreme sport like whitewater rafting,  cross-country biking,  water skiing,  etc?  Or dog rescue?  Ju Jitsu?  

Something that takes up some energy,  and puts him with people who have a passion.

Best wishes.  This is so hard.

[skepticalpeach]

I would also lay down the law. Bring him to the hospital and send him to rehab. Send him to a boarding school. It sounds harsh, but if you want him to have a chance at a normal life you'll have to force him to come around.

[specialmom]

You can also add a gps onto his cell phone.  I'd do it in a heart beat for an at risk child like this.  good luck dear.  

[adgal]

I didn't read all of the above posts, so forgive me if I repeat something.  Your son is 15 correct?  Now, I don't know if the laws are the same in the US, but I think they probably are.  It is time to come down hard on him.  Extremely hard.  Privacy is no longer an option.  I would talk to the school about the information you have, and I would also contact the police.  You can also (and I would) contact social services in your area and they can provide assistance with various community resources.  There is help out there.  But as of right this minute I would not allow him out of the house without you.  Sound harsh?  Sorry, but you are now in a fight for his well being and quite possibly his life.  You need to get tough and reach out for help from a professional.  This is very very serious.  I wish you all the best.

[specialmom]

I'd consider having the police at school on Friday morning to intervene--  boy with the pills and your son at the same time.  I'd let him suffer the full consequences for his actions.  I'd strip his room, I'd strip his life and I'd put him under my thumb.  That would be my approach.  

I'm very sorry to hear this and it is every mother's worst ngihtmare.  Peace

[akitagurl12]

well, the good new is, (I know none of this is really good) it sounds like your son is still under 18 and you actually have alot of power.  There is alot u can do, have u tried bringing him to a mental health hospital to have him evaulated to see if he should be hospitalized until he can get stablized on some medication or at least some therapy to find out what is going on in his head?  I know when I was a teenager, I wanted nothing to do with my parents, so getting outside help for him & you could really benefit.  Also, there are alateen support groups where he can meet other teenagers who are struggling with growing up with an alcholic parent.  You can report the other kid he is getting the pills from to the school & get them involved.  All I can say is this, don't NOT doing something.  Even if he has to 'hate' you for awhile, if u can get him on a path away from drugs, I would do whatever it takes.  You may not know what to do, and that is ok, but there are people who do know what to do so please seek out their help.  Good Luck!!!

[Back2Me]

I guess I don't really understand the post. You have a son you have to bury and another that is starting to take pills? If so that is terrible. Maybe the loss of your other son is affecting him. What happened to your son that you are burying? If it was drugs then you should intervene with your other son before he gets in too deep. It sounds like he is about to get some ambien from his Facebook friend. It won't kill you but it's not something to play around with, it really messes you up when you take it and you can and usually will do some seriously dumb stuff while on it. OBVIOUSLY as a parent you should talk to him about this and squash it before he gets out of hand. That's really an easy one as to what you should do especially since you have to already bury someone. He probably will have a tendency for addiction based on his family history so stepping in early will be crucial. And you have to stay on him, none of the "best friend" parenting in this case. Probably tuff love is what he will need. Tuff situation all around. Hopefully you are catching it early enough.